Chapter Text
“That hospital said–”
“I know what the doctors said, I was there,” Katsuki cut Aizawa off. “I’ll be careful or whatever, just let me–”
“Your arm is still in a sling–”
“No shit–”
“And you just started PT yesterday.” Aizawa sighed. “I know you’re eager to have things go back to normal, but–”
“No, I’m trying to learn how to not get my ass beat by a villain again. Did you not hear? I died.”
“Bakugou. Let me finish.” Aizawa held intense eye contact. “I was there. I saw you die, so don’t try to throw that in my face. We failed you then. I won’t let you jump back into heroics classes and let you hurt yourself even more.”
Rage bubbled on Katsuki’s tongue, but all he could do was let it simmer. It was hard not to respect Aizawa after everything he’d done for their class. For Katsuki. And he wasn’t really angry at Aizawa, he was angry at his own body. “Fine. But I’m going back in as soon as my PT is over.”
“I’m not gonna try to stop you.” Aizawa nodded toward the empty gym. “You can observe. There are a couple of benches over there.”
“Fine.” Katsuki didn’t fight anymore. Aizawa was a hardass, but he was rarely wrong.
Sitting on the bench got old after two minutes. All of Katsuki’s classmates were still getting dressed in the locker room. How much was he already missing? Ever since he’d woken up in the hospital everyone had been treating him like he was made of glass. Some fragile thing that might shatter if someone breathed in his direction. Yes, he died. But he got the fuck up and kicked All for One’s ass. They should all be treating him like he’s invincible, not broken.
“Oh!” An all too familiar voice mumbled a few more words, but Katsuki couldn’t pick up a single one.
“Speak up, Deku! You know my ears are shitty now.”
Izuku shuffled closer. He looked better than he had in the hospital. Less teary. Less worn out. But he still had the stupid shaved patch of hair and a bandaid plastered over his cheek. It covered a wound that would leave a scar. At least twenty freckles wiped out in its wake. Pinpricks of grief sparkled through Katsuki for each missing freckle.
“Sorry! I said, did Aizawa keep you out of heroics, too?”
Katsuki scowled. “Yeah… I’m fine, though. Sitting around makes me wanna die.”
A sentence that would’ve pulled a laugh from Izuku a month ago, but the nerd’s face drew together. An instinctual reaction to remembering.
“Can I… sit?”
Katsuki scooted over to give Izuku room. “No one’s stopping you.”
Izuku gave him a small smile. “Okay, Kacchan.”
Ever since the war ended, everything carried more weight. But that nickname was the heaviest. There was no way Katsuki could deny it anymore; that nickname was practically sewn into his soul.
“How uh… How’s PT?”
Terrible, time-consuming, and painful, but nowhere near as painful as finding out that Deku gave up One for All. Every time he was reminded of that loss, a new wound was ripped through Katsuki’s chest.
“It’s fine. Those assholes tried to chop my damn arm off.” Katsuki tested each of his fingers in the sling. Curling each one at a time. It was slow, torturous. “It’ll work again, even if I have to force it. But I’m learning how to write with my other hand, I guess…”
“Oh! I’m sure you’ll be good at that…” A bit of silence pulled the invisible string of tension tight between them. “I’m happy you kept your arm.”
Katsuki’s eyebrows furrowed and he gave Izuku a look-over disguised as judgement. “No shit.” The nerd was being weird. Asking awkward questions, speaking in the same sad voice he had after going AWOL, making useless small talk. Deku was avoiding something.
“I can’t believe we’re second years–”
“Cut the shit, Deku.”
“What?” Wide emerald eyes stared back at Katsuki. It took him right back to the battlefield. When Katsuki came to, still beaten and bleeding, he found those eyes, flowing with green flashes of lightning. He swore that in that moment all of the pain he’d felt never existed because Izuku was looking at him. The person who’d pushed Izuku down in their youth, broke under the pressure at UA, and reformed as something new entirely. Someone new who’d forever look for Izuku in every room he walked into, every person he met, every hero he worked with.
“Cut the shit,” Katsuki repeated. “I can tell when you’re pretending to be okay. I’m not stupid.”
“Wh– I–” Izuku looked down at the gym floor. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re a shitty liar, Deku. Can’t even look at me when you do it.” Huh. When did Katsuki learn that? And when did that nickname start to sound so soft on his tongue? “I know you’re upset about giving up One for All.”
“How do you kn–”
“Because I’m fucking upset about it!” Katsuki’s voice raised against his will. Old habits die hard.
“Why?” Tears sprang into Deku’s eyes.
Because ever since Izuku told him about his sacrifice, a swirling, tearing, reckless pain had stirred beneath Katsuki’s skin, biting at his bones, unearthing a type of torture impossible to put into words. Like standing in the center of a dying star. The vision of the future Katsuki had held so close was disintegrating like paper in water.
How was he supposed to put that into words without sounding like an idiot?
“I’m a worse hero when you’re not around.” Still sickeningly vulnerable, but easier to say than the shit he was thinking.
“You don’t know that yet.”
“I–” He did know. He could feel it. “I already am.”
“Kacchan…” Worried eyes jumped over Katsuki’s face. Izuku pursed his lips, trying to keep himself from talking. That only worked for a few seconds. “You’re right. I’m upset.” Now parted, Izuku’s lips trembled. “The one thing I wanted– the one thing I was good at, that made me feel alive is going to go away. And all I can do is sit here and wait for it to happen.”
“Then why’d you lie?”
Izuku frowned. “I didn’t.”
“You did. In the hospital. You told me and All Might that you were okay, you fucking liar.”
Scarred hands laced together, tense. “I wanted to be. I tried. I tried so hard, Kacchan; I didn’t want you to worry about me.”
“That’s impossible. Stop trying.” Izuku tiled his head, spilling a few tears from his eyes. “You could be in a padded room and I’d still worry about your sorry ass.”
More tears. So many tears. “Kacchan, really?” One, two, three seconds of silence filled with big watery green eyes staring at Katsuki, as if he could dig the two of them out of any ditch. “Why?”
Three horrific words popped into Katsuki’s mind. I love you.
Shit.
Since when? Was that even true or was it an intrusive thought? He would know if he was in love with his childhood best friend. He had seventeen years before this to know that. He should know. He would’ve known by now. He couldn’t think about this right now. Not when Izuku was crying, waiting for an answer that wouldn’t ruin everything. Katsuki couldn’t lose Deku after working so hard to earn his friendship again.
“You’re the most accident prone asshole I know. You throw yourself at any villain that looks at you wrong. No shit I worry about you.”
A dry laugh escaped Izuku. “Well, soon you won’t have to worry about that anymore.”
“Soon?”
Izuku shrugged. “I still have the embers like All Might did, but they’re gonna burn out at some point. Like the universe is trying to wane me off being a hero.”
Katsuki let himself look at Izuku. At his scars, his eyes sparkling with tears, and the uniform that he finally seemed to fill out properly just in time for him to realize he’d never be a pro hero. All of the sacrifices he’d made since One for All was given to him. For what? What did Izuku get? A broken dream and chronic pain?
“How long?”
“Hm?”
“Until the embers are gone. How long?”
Izuku turned his eyes to his hands. “My guess is a year. All Might is hoping I’ll make it to graduation.”
“So, maybe two?” Two more years to stand next to Izuku. Two years to lie to himself and pretend that One for All might last forever.
“Yeah. Maybe two.” Izuku clenched his fist and let his body light up with sparks.
“Hey, quit that!” Katsuki’s good hand smacked Izuku’s arm until the sparks died out. “Don’t waste it by using it now!”
First, Izuku turned to look at Katsuki. Second, he laughed, hearty, bright, and a bit wet from the crying. “It– It doesn’t work like that!”
“Huh?!” Katsuki frowned to hide the fact that his eyes were glued to Izuku’s smile.
“It’s not–” More laughing. Like music. God, if Katsuki had another thought like that, he’d have to throw up. “It’s not like a battery, it’s like–” Izuku bit his tongue between his teeth and thought. Cute. That was Katsuki’s cue to throw up. “It’s like the sun? When All Might gave me the power it was like sunrise. After training it was like mid-day. And now the sun’s starting to set. There’s nothing I can do to make it set faster or slower. Only the sun knows how fast it’s going. It’s just… inevitable, I guess…”
Izuku’s smile faded. Another sparkle of grief stung Katsuki in the chest.
Then he smiled, smaller than before. “Unless I’m using 100% all the time. All Might said he burned through his embers on purpose because it let him beat All for One in Kamino.” Izuku gave Katsuki a preemptive side-eye. “I’m not doing that, I promise.”
“I didn’t even say anything.”
Izuku shrugged. “You didn’t have to.”
“Whatever.”
The silence between them now didn’t carry the tension from earlier. This new tension was all inside Katsuki. The urge to touch, to hold, to protect. All of that bounced around his ribcage like a pinball machine.
Big green eyes looked up at him, a sight that, however familiar, always dug its claws into Katsuki’s heart. “Kacchan worries about me.” Spoken through a grin as if he’d unlocked some kind of achievement.
Fuck. Was this what having cardiac arrest felt like? Katsuki’s heart was still too fragile for this. “Whatever, don’t wear it out.” He reached out to ruffle Izuku’s hair. “You’re the one with the stupid haircut.”
Izuku fought Katsuki’s hand until it fell out of his hair. “Hey, that’s not fair! It’ll grow back!”