Work Text:
11/01/1978
When the door to the broom closet opens, the slight sliver of light shining through the crack isn’t enough for Remus to see who’s entering. He doesn’t need to, though. He immediately recognises the footsteps of the person walking into the confined space he’s been sitting in for the past minute or so.
The sounds of the party still going in the common room briefly fill the previously quiet cupboard, but all Remus can hear, is his heart starting to pound inside his chest. It’s ironic, isn’t it? How the person he’s longed for forever, walks into this supposed heaven and all Remus wants to do, is die. At least then he wouldn’t have to suffer through these next seven torturous minutes.
“Moony?”
Remus knows he should answer, but what’s the point really? Sirius knows he’s in there; he couldn’t have gone anywhere even if he wanted to. And honestly, he’s kind of busy trying not to panic to the extent of passing out right now. So instead, he just stays put in silence, praying the darkness will eat him alive.
It doesn’t. Of course, it doesn't.
Sirius, however, doesn’t seem to be deterred by the lack of an answer, stepping further inside the tiny closet. When the tip of his shoe bumps into Remus’ after only two steps, he simply sits down facing Remus’ side profile. He only knows this because, infuriatingly enough, both of Sirius’s feet are now touching his left one. It’s going to be a long seven minutes, he thinks as he suppresses a sigh.
It’s eerily quiet for a couple of seconds. The kind of quiet that can only be produced by a two-way Muffliato charm. He should’ve known James would take this game very seriously. When does James ever do something half-assed?
“I’m sorry,” is the next thing that seems to burst out of Sirius and Remus is… confused? Sirius Black is apologising, when first of all, when does he do that? Ever? And second of all, Remus has no clue what he is doing it for.
“I’m sorry?” Remus hears himself saying. And if it wasn’t for the darkness they were in right now, Sirius could’ve seen the confusion written all over his face.
Sirius clears his throat before saying, “Yeah, I- uh, have been wanting to apologise.”
If Remus were to take a guess, he would say Sirius was fidgeting with one of his rings right now. Something he finds entirely endearing, for some reason. Sirius doesn’t get nervous or flustered often, but oh, when he does…
He hesitates, not sure where this is going. He never knows with Sirius, if he’s being honest.
Remus is a man of lists. And of all the possible scenarios on his ‘what happens in the seven-minutes-in-heaven-closet’ list, this for sure wasn’t one of them. But apart from lists, Remus also likes knowing things, and so he asks.
“What for?”
Sirius sighs so heavily that Remus feels his breath on his cheek. He closes his eyes for a second to calm himself down, when Sirius answers again.
“I’m not entirely sure, actually,” is what he says.
And okay, Remus is possibly more confused now.
“Then why are you doing it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Uhm, yeah, me neither, to be honest, Sirius.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Huh.”
“Yeah…”
They fall quiet again after that, and Remus is well aware of the seconds passing by in which they are supposed to be making out or doing something similar. Or at least that’s what he thinks; he’s never really played this game before and only indulged because James was way too enthusiastic about it. Okay, maybe the Firewhisky acted on behalf of him.
Not that he wants to be making out with Sirius right now. Or, well… He doesn’t really know, actually. He dreams of it, sure. Putting it into practice, though, yeah, he would probably rather kill himself.
Kissing Sirius, well, that’s something that’s never going to happen. He tries to remind himself of that every single second of every single day. It’s a full-time job, really.
It's a good thing Sirius decides to speak up again, because Remus can’t be trusted thinking about kissing Sirius for longer periods of time, or at all.
“I just thought, you know…” Sirius falters. “Never mind.”
There’s clearly something on Sirius’s mind and Remus would lie if he said he didn’t want to know what it was. It’s been like this for a while now, where he wants to tear at every single thought Sirius has ever had and eat it raw.
Remus wishes he could see his face right now. No matter how hard Sirius tries, he can never quite manage to hide his emotions, always plainly splattered across his face. Hidden beneath his eyes or in the crease of his eyebrows. Even the way he squares his jaw or purses his lips, is often a telltale sign of Sirius’s emotions for Remus.
“Go on,” he urges. Because sue him for liking the way Sirius talks.
A beat. Then, “I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry, Moony. I wish you would just tell me, so I can apologise properly and we can go back to being us. I’m sorry if I hurt you or made you uncomfortable or…” Sirius swallows audibly before continuing. “I’ve been racking my brain over every little interaction we’ve had in the past couple of weeks or even months, but I cannot for the life of me find where I went wrong and I’m possibly even more sorry about that.”
It all seems to spill out of Sirius like he’s been wanting to say this for a while now and Remus doesn’t know if it’s the dark or the little bit of alcohol they had earlier, but he can actually feel the relief coming off Sirius.
Nonetheless, he’s still extremely confused as to what is happening right now.
“Sirius, I’m not sure I’m following,” he says and it comes out way more gentle than he normally sounds. “Why do you think you did something wrong?”
“You can stop pretending, Remus. I know you don’t really like to talk about feelings and stuff, but I would rather you did, instead of ignoring me. You know, it kind of hurts,” Sirius sighs softly.
And oh, now he knows where this is going. Suddenly, he’s very grateful for not being able to see Sirius’s face.
But Sirius isn’t done yet. Now that he’s started, he doesn’t seem to be able to stop.
“You’ve been so distant and I hate it. I’ve talked to James about it and he says it’s nothing, that I’m imagining things, that he doesn't see or feel a difference. And of course, he doesn’t. Because you’ve only been distant towards me. Which means I did something wrong and it’s not just one of your closing-off-type-of-moments. You know what moments, you do that sometimes, when you don’t feel too good. And that’s okay, I get it. I have those moments sometimes, we all have those moments. But it’s not one of those moments, is it?”
Remus wants to say something, he does. But all he can do is stare into the darkness. He’s truly at a loss for words.
The truth is, yes, he has been distant. And yes, only towards Sirius. But absolutely not because he did something wrong. On the contrary, he’s doing everything too right at all times and it’s driving Remus insane. He had to take his distance; the fear of ruining their friendship was getting the best of him. Maybe he’s messing it up anyway.
“Moony?”
Sirius’s voice snaps him back into the moment. God, he hates how small Sirius sounds. And it was his fault. So now he had to fix it.
He clears his throat, just so he can stall a bit longer, not knowing what to say. And, okay, maybe because he doesn’t completely trust his own voice right now.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Pads. I promise, you haven’t.”
Before anything else can be said, the broom closet gets filled with noise and the peaceful silence is completely shattered by an obnoxious banging on the door. If Remus is completely honest, he’s somewhat relieved for the interruption when James’ voice carries through the wood of the door.
“Just so you know,” he shouts, “I charmed the closet so the seven-minute countdown only starts once something actually happens. Since the timer hasn’t moved yet, I’m guessing there’s been no physical intimacy so far. The door will only open when the timer hits three beautiful zeroes, so…”
Remus swears he can hear James’ grin in what comes next.
“You’d better start snogging each other or something, lads!”
And with that, the room goes completely silent once again, Muffliato charm back in place.
If Remus wasn’t stunned to silence before, he certainly is now.
“That little piece of shit…” Sirius starts murmuring, more to himself than to Remus. “When I get out of here, I swear to Merlin…”
But Remus isn’t paying attention to what he’s saying anymore. His brain is short-circuiting with the implications of what James just said. Shit, shit, shit.
This is not good, so not good. He can’t possibly do anything remotely sexual with or to Sirius, while he feels so much for him and Sirius is just a friend. That is wrong, so, so wrong. That would be taking advantage. Not to mention, it would hurt. It would hurt like hell to have Sirius for seven minutes and then to go back to pretending he is nothing more than a friend to him. ‘Seven minutes in heaven’, more like ‘seven minutes in hell’, if you ask Remus.
Remus can’t do this, he really can’t.
He needs to think of a solution. C’mon, Remus, you’re smart. I know you are. Logical thinking is one of your strong suits.
For the third time since they’re in this hellhole, Sirius calls his name, “Moony?”
It’s only then that Remus notices the light that is shining from Sirius’s wand. The tiny broom cupboard is now cast in a soft yellow light and Remus really wishes Sirius didn’t look as good as he did right now. All he can do, is stare for a moment.
“You still with me?” And by the slight tone of concern and the crease of his eyebrows, Remus guesses he had been trying to get through to him for a while.
“Uh, yeah, sorry. Zoned out there for a bit,” Remus answers while rubbing his sternum. He feels like the air around them got stuffier over the past couple of minutes.
“I could tell, yeah. You okay?”
And Sirius seems so genuine. God, he looks so gentle in this light. And he’s worried about him and Remus cannot take this.
“The alcohol must be leaving my system,” he lies easily, “I’m not a fan of confined spaces.”
Sirius hums. “About that…”
“Don’t worry,” Remus rushes, “We’ll find another way to get out.” He sincerely hopes Sirius cannot see the way he’s blushing right now.
Even though Remus isn’t looking directly at Sirius, he notices how Sirius deflates just a little. Remus has to shut his eyes tightly and focus on his breathing in order not to say or do anything stupid.
“I guess we will…” Sirius is talking to the floor now, looking away from him for the first time. When Remus doesn’t try to break the silence that once again falls over them, Sirius speaks up again.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and maybe I’m not entitled to know, but I just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me, okay?”
Remus can’t help but huff out a laugh at that. If he only knew…
That seems to snap some fire back into Sirius.
“What?” he asks incredulously, “You know I can keep a secret.”
He can. He knows he can. He was the first one to know about the fact that he couldn’t read, didn’t tell a soul and even came up with the solution. He was the first to figure out about his lycanthropy, once again didn’t tell a soul and then once again came up with a plan to make Remus’ life easier. A plan that wasn’t only dangerous, but also took more than a year of hard work and studying.
And then there was the secret about his dad. And the secret about Christmas during third year. And the secret about his poems. And the secret about his favourite sweater. And the secret…
“I know you can,” is what he ends up saying, because it’s the truth.
“So why don’t you tell me another one?” his voice is back to being gentle and Remus nearly folds.
Instead, he closes his eyes again, head resting on his knees and whispers, “I can’t.”
“I know you can,” Sirius parrots back his exact same words from mere seconds ago. And maybe he’s also telling the truth.
Still, Remus can’t find it in himself to say anything. It would ruin their friendship. Even if Sirius wasn’t disgusted, it would forever change their dynamic. It wouldn’t only change things between them, it would change the marauders. Remus couldn’t be the one to ruin the perfectly crafted friendship between the four of them. He wouldn’t betray them like that.
And it’s stupid, probably, not saying anything in this moment. Because, of course Sirius does what he does best when words aren’t enough anymore. He turns a quarter turn so they’re sitting side by side and scoots possibly even closer. They’re touching now, from their shoulders to their elbows and from their hips to their feet. In other circumstances, Remus would’ve revelled in it. Right now, it feels like a new form of torture.
The thing is, he knows Sirius will now give him the time and space (hah) to say what he has to say. That’s how it always goes: Remus refuses to tell him anything, Sirius pries anyway, Remus doesn’t budge, Sirius comforts him silently and waits patiently (a talent he only seems to possess when it comes to Remus and his secrets) and Remus eventually cracks whether he wants to or not.
Not this time, though. He really can’t. This stupid game will not turn into a grand love confession. He refuses.
“Sirius, please, can you let it go this time?” Remus pleads. Remus does not under any circumstances plead. But this is life or death, right here.
“No, Remus, in fact, I cannot let it go this time,” Sirius stubbornly says and when Remus turns his head around, resting his temple on his knee instead, to look at Sirius, he sees a determination on his face he, for once, wishes he could wipe off.
They lock eyes for a moment and Remus should be thinking about some way to distract Sirius from this disastrous moment, but all he can think about is how beautiful Sirius’s face is and how he would like to brush his hair out of it. He could’ve sworn it was just a saying, but he thinks he can actually feel his heart skip a beat. He internally scolds himself for becoming such a cliché.
Remus is the first to break eye contact. Sirius is never one to give up on anything. It’s one of the things he loves about him.
Right now, it’s a pain in his ass, though. Because this interaction couldn’t possibly end well.
“Is this why you’ve been avoiding me? Because you don’t want to talk about it and you know I’m the only person stubborn enough to get it out of you?”
And because this isn’t too far from the truth, Remus sighs and then nods. Sure, in some ways it is far from the truth, but in others, well, Sirius has a point.
“Moony,” it almost comes out as a whisper, that’s how soft Sirius is addressing him, “you know you can tell me everything. You usually tell me everything. It can’t be that bad.” A pause, “Did you do something?”
There is a caring tone of concern in that last question.
Oh, Sirius, always looking out for him. He should stop doing that soon, or Remus will drop dead.
“We can take care of it, you know. We will fix it. Together. No matter what it is.”
It’s almost concerning, the way Sirius is so supportive of something he doesn’t even know yet. Remus feels like he could confess to murder in this moment and Sirius would come up with a plan here and now to hide the body and cover up his tracks. Silly, loyal, slightly crazy, brave Sirius Black.
Remus laughs a little, “I didn’t do anything, Sirius. So you can put your shovel and bleach away.”
Funnily enough, Sirius seems to exhale some excess air after that. Huh, maybe not so brave then.
For a couple of seconds, they just sit and stare across the space in front of them. Sirius hasn’t given up, then. This time, Remus is the one to break the silence.
“Why do you even care so much?” he asks. It’s a genuine question, because Remus, in all of his seventeen years on this earth, hasn’t felt more cared for than when he is with Sirius. And he truly wonders how he got himself here.
“Why do I care?” the boy still sitting against him asks, baffled. He turns back to face Remus. After taking a deep breath, he continues, and even though he’s still extremely gentle and soft, he sounds a bit tired as well.
“Remus, my Moony, I care because you are one of my best friends. You mean so much to me and I don’t want you to be sad or hurt. I like knowing what’s going on inside your head, because if I don’t, then I don’t know how or when to fix what’s wrong. And I know something hasn’t been right for a while now and it’s driving me insane that I can’t help you,” Sirius says and with every word that comes out, he seems to grow more and more exasperated. Like this is something he’s been holding back for ages.
“I want to help you. But I can’t, if you don’t let me!” he’s almost out of breath when he reaches the end of his monologue. Or at least Remus thinks this is the end of it, but then,
“I’m in love with you, for fuck’s sake!”
Sirius’ eyes widen comically as he snaps his lips shut. Remus thinks he probably can be found in a similar fashion, his heart beating frantically in his chest. But before he can say something, Sirius seems to regain his wit.
“Wait,” he says, “shit, that wasn’t supposed to come out like that.”
Sirius’ eyes are frenziedly searching Remus’ face, for what he doesn’t know. He isn’t sure he knows anything at this moment. He is frozen in place, not sure if he heard that correctly. If that is really what Sirius just said. And if so, if it was the truth.
Sirius takes a deep breath. “Okay,” he continues, “before you say anything, the damage is already done, so you might as well get to hear this properly. May I?”
Remus nods, still not taking his eyes off Sirius.
“I’m in love with you,” and this time he doesn’t falter. On the contrary, it’s said with so much confidence that Remus wonders if he’s fallen asleep and this is just a dream.
“I’ve been in love with you since fourth year. I only realised it last year, but I have been. You drive me absolutely insane, but in the best way possible. I can’t stop thinking about you, I fear it’s consumed me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I like waking up thinking about you, going to breakfast in a giant room full of people, only having eyes for you. Going to Quidditch practice, only to almost fall off my broom and being scolded by Prongs, because you are doing your homework in the stands. I like watching you take a nap on the couch in the common room, daydreaming about what it would be like to curl into you in those moments. I like going to bed, still thinking about you and how you made me laugh during the day.
Only, lately, you’ve been so far away. And I don’t know what happened. You say I didn’t do anything, but I can’t help but feel I did. Maybe I’ve been too pushy in the past with wanting to know your secrets, but I can’t help myself, you know. I just want to know you. All I’ve ever wanted, is to know you inside and out.”
It’s only because Sirius once again seems to not be able to stop rambling that Remus has the mind to try and stop him. To tell him that he doesn’t need to worry. That this is all Remus has ever wanted as well.
But Sirius is on a mission. And no matter how hard Remus tries, Sirius seems to be in his own world, spilling and spilling and spilling.
“I know I’m not always the most patient person, but I try. I try so hard with you because I know you need some time and space sometimes. But, Merlin, you don’t make it easy a lot of those times. And that’s fine. Oh, that’s so fine. Because I wouldn’t have it any other way, Moony. I wouldn’t. Because I like you like this, I love you like this. And I would do anything for you.”
“Sirius,” Remus tries again.
“So please, just tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours. I would like to know, and I would like to comfort you. Hold you, if you let me.”
“Padfoot.”
“Although now, maybe that you know how I feel about you, you wouldn’t want me to touch you anymore. I would understand that, you know. I just hope we can still stay friends. I’m sure my feelings will dial down a bit eventually. Probably. Hopefully. Well, scratch that. I don’t think that will happen, but I’ll live with it. It’s fine. I can live with it if it means getting to spend more time with you.”
“Sirius!”
He finally seems to snap out of it, when the banging on the door starts again.
“Oi! Everything alright in there?” James’ voice carries through the door. “Timer’s still on that seven minutes! You two too shy to give a little smooch?”
When Remus catches Sirius’ eye, he turns bright red and quickly looks away.
“Fuck off, Potter!” Remus yells at the door and before his friend can say anything else, Remus takes it upon himself this time to return the Muffliato charm.
For what feels like the hundredth time that evening, they sit in silence. Sirius is now the one to look at the floor, fidgeting with the ring on his pointer finger.
“Can you look at me?” Remus asks into the quiet. If he is going to say what he’s about to say, he better do it properly.
The words, however, die on his lips when Sirius looks up with tears in his eyes.
Oh. His heart breaks a little.
Without thinking, Remus reaches over to pull Sirius into a hug. The angle is somewhat awkward since they’re still sitting on the floor, but it doesn’t really matter.
“Please, don’t cry. You don’t have to cry.”
“I don’t know why I am,” Sirius sniffles out a laugh.
“Me neither,” Remus smiles. Oddly enough, he feels himself relax for the first time since he set foot in the broom cupboard. Normally, he’s not one for dealing with crying.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius says against his shoulder and even though Remus knows what he’s apologising for this time, he won’t accept it.
“You should stop apologising when you have nothing to apologise for, you know,” he whispers. The air feels delicate somehow.
“I do have something to apologise for, though,” he sighs. “I was supposed to be listening to you and instead, I am confessing my undying love for you,” he adds, huffing.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Remus can feel his heartbeat speeding up again. He is really doing this. “You fixed my problem without listening to me.”
Sirius looks up in confusion, “I did?”
“Mhm,” he nods, nervously biting his lip.
Wonderful, beautiful, expressive Sirius only quirks an eyebrow.
“You said exactly what I needed to hear in order to solve my problem.”
“I did?”, Sirius repeats, a little breathless this time.
If you’d ask Remus where this sudden burst of inspiration and confidence came from, he couldn’t have provided you with an answer, but here he was anyway, lightly grabbing his best friend’s face with both of his hands, while placing his own forehead against his.
“You did.”
“Oh.”
“I love you, Sirius Black.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” Remus exhales, feeling infinitely lighter.
“Tell me more about it,” Sirius says, looking innocently into Remus’ eyes.
A laugh escapes Remus’ lips before he surrenders anyway.
***
When James wakes up at around 4am on the common room couch, buried in a sea of plastic cups, he’s extremely delighted to finally see that the timer above the broom closet has reached the three beautiful zeroes he’s wanted to see all night long.