Chapter Text
The war was hard for everyone, especially Izuku. He lost and sacrificed more than anyone, any hero, ever known. He won, but at what cost? Izuku could barely eat most of the time, even though he knew he should. He can't sleep at night. Memories keep flashing through his head like an endless loop. One thing always made his memories go away, though, and that was Kacchan. Kacchan grounded him and made him feel the safest he has since the war. They've gotten better, closer, and it makes Izuku yearn for so much more. He can finally breathe easy when he's near; he can think and feel, and act normal again. He feels them getting closer, thinking maybe Kacchan might feel the same way? The same yearning or need he has for him. Izuku doesn't know why he feels like this; all he knows is that his other friends don't provide the same comfort as Kacchan does.
That's why, when they finally start patrolling again in their second year, he picks the agency closest to Kacchans. “Just so I can feel safe”, he thinks. “No other reason at all.”
Walking to class the first day before the intern starts, Izuku is excited. He hasn't felt excited for something since far before the war, and it's so new and exhilarating. He feels like he might actually be okay again one day.
Walking to class with Iida and Uraraka and talking about mindless chatter, he opens the door and sees him. His heart practically does a backflip in his chest, and he has no idea why. Walking over, he sits at his desk right behind Kacchan. Kacchan leans back in his chair with his feet propped up and smirks over his shoulder.
“ Hey, nerd.”
“Oh, good morning, Kacchan,” he says softly, smiling back and leaning slightly forward.
“You ready for tomorrow?” Kacchan threw a quirked brow towards him.
“Can I tell you a secret?” he begins to cover his mouth with his hands and lean close to Kacchans' ear. Kacchan leans into it, and Izuku whispers as quietly as he can, “I'm actually really excited,” he says, and quickly moves away as a slow blush creeps on his face, barely noticeable.
“Why the fuck would that be a secret, Izuku?” he takes his feet off the desk and fully turns around to face him.
“Since the war, I haven't felt much excited for anything anymore,” he smiles sadly. Kacchans' face softens, and he looks at Izuku with something he can't quite place. Maybe pity?
“Well, let's make it the best goddamn intership you've ever had,” he smirks at him wildly.
As class continues, Izuku dozes off; his lack of sleep at night leaves him susceptible to passing out during the day. Suddenly, he feels rough, angry hands around his neck. A hot breath whispers, "You did this to him. You killed him." Nightmarish flashes of Kacchan’s lifeless body storm his mind, sending him into a panic. He thrashes, desperate to escape, struggling to breathe under the imagined weight and haunted by the loss of Kacchan. He feels responsible. Guilt and fear consume him; he screams and fights, but feels powerless, his quirk gone. Someone calls, "Izuku!" in a voice just out of reach. Arms encircle him, his head, neck, and legs. Overwhelmed, he fights harder. Then, "Izuku, it's me. You have to wake up, okay? You're safe." Slowly, Kacchan's voice anchors him. Instead of fighting, Izuku lets the voice pull him to safety and relief.
He wakes up with a sharp gasp, disoriented. He's on the ground with Kacchan on top of him. Kacchan gently wipes tears from his cheeks. Looking into his friend's eyes, Izuku feels confusion and vulnerability, but also an unexpected relief. Kacchan leans in, chest to chest, and for a moment, Izuku is acutely aware of Kacchan’s heartbeat, exactly what he needs. "You had a night terror; you're okay," Kacchan whispers, sending shivers up Izuku’s spine. Blinking, Izuku notices the rest of the class has gathered, worry and pity in their eyes. Realising Kacchan is holding him in front of everyone, Izuku scrambles out from under him. "I'm sorry," he whispers, his voice hoarse, before rushing out.
Finding a bathroom down the hall, he breaks down again and locks himself in a bathroom stall. The humiliation lingers; he can’t shake the feeling of being weak and exposed. He sobs, wishing he could disappear. When someone enters, he stifles his crying. Soft knocking follows. "Izuku, it's me." Tentatively, Izuku opens the stall to see Kacchan’s softened expression. He sees his pity, though he doesn’t want it. He might be almost quirkless, but he’s not useless.
"Why didn't you tell me, nerd?" Kacchan asks, voice lowered and hurt.
"I didn’t want anyone to know," Izuku confesses. Trying to avoid the conversation, he attempts to leave, but Kacchan stops him with a hand on his arm, turning him gently around.
“I know I used to be a real asshole, Izuku, but you can talk to me.”
“I don't want to talk, Kacchan.” his mouth is saying this, but his heart is screaming at him to talk.
“Fine,” he lets go of Izuku's arm and turns and starts walking away. “Go back to the dorm. Aizawa gave you the rest of the day off,” he slams the door, and Izuku is alone again.
He wants so badly to talk to him, to anyone, but his mind doesn't let him. His mind is shutting him away from everyone, and he can feel it. Uraraka hasn't been the same since the war, and he just can't seem to talk to her. Talking to anyone these days is hard. It's hard having to be so happy all the time. He's tired. He's so so tired, but he knows he can never really sleep.
Slowly walking back to the dorm, his mind wanders. Why are his nightmares always about him losing Kacchan? Izuku killed someone, lost his arms, lost his quirk, yet his mind always seems to find its way back to Kacchan.
He hates feeling like this, useless and weak. Pity from everyone around him who knows he's lost his quirk again. He can't defend himself anymore, can't fight back, can't be a hero. They all know, and they all look at him with pity. Pity, pity, pity. He hates everything about that word. The way it looks, the way it sounds, the way everyone is looking at him with it, the way Kacchan is looking at him with it.
He doesn't want pity; he wants to be a hero. The one thing he can't be anymore. His embers will eventually go away. All Might says it's inevitable. He's going to be quirkless again, and he has no one to blame but himself. He would save the world, save Kacchan, over and over again if it meant peace was restored. He just hates how he lost everything in the process.
Why were his dreams the only ones crushed? Everyone else in their class gets to move on, become a hero, and live out their dream. He's happy for them, truly happy. He can't help but feel a little out of place now. He's the only one who won't be a hero after graduation. He's the only one without a quirk now. He just feels different. Just as he did in middle school.
He's not being bullied anymore, but somehow it's much worse. He gets to see the happy faces of everyone around them be a hero, and he's stuck here. He's stuck doing God knows what with his life.
Sick of feeling like this, Izuku finally gets back to his dorm room at 12pm. Stripping his shirt and falling onto his bed, sleep immediately consumes him. Hours pass that feel like minutes, and Izuku is awoken to a knock at his door. Glancing up at his All Might-themed clock, he realises it's been 5 hours.
How did he sleep so long?
Another long raputre of knocks and he finally gets out of bed. Opening the door, he notices Kacchan still in his uniform. He must have just gotten out of class. “ Brought you dinner since I know your shitty brain never remembers to eat.” Kacchan thrusts his arms out, holding a bowl of Katsudon.
“Did you make this Kacchan?”
“I had some left over from what I made myself.” Izuku eyes the food warily.
“Just take the Goddamn food, Izuku.” He demands and thrusts his arms again for emphasis.
Izuku reaches up to take it and puts on his fake smile. Standing in the doorway of his room, he notices Kachan's eyes looking down slightly and a pink tint to his ears. Looking down, Izuku is painfully aware that he is shirtless right now.
“Did you want to come inside?” Izuku squeaks out with a blush rising to his face.
Realising he was staring, Kacchan hurriedly looked up. “Sure, nerd.”
Opening the door wider, he allows Kacchan to step inside. Kacchans walks over and sits on the edge of Izuku's bed. Rushing over, Izuku sets down his food and throws on a shirt. Kacchans' eyes never once left his figure.
“You feel okay?” Kacchan's unexpected question makes Izuku turn around and put his hand up in front of him like he's been caught.
“I'm perfectly fine, Kacchan, thanks for checking on me.” he drops his hands and looks down. “And thank you for the food, really, it means a lot.”
“It's just food, nerd,” Kacchan scoffs. “You really need to start taking care of your stupid body if you wanna have a chance at beating me for number one,” he smirks his devilish smile and leans back on his hands.
Feeling irritated from this morning, he snaps back. “How are we gonna compete when I barely even have a quirk right now?” Feeling angry, he ignores Kacchan's shocked face and continues, “It's going to leave one day, Kacchan. I can't stop it. With how little I have left, tomorrow might be the last time on the field ever again. I'm going to be quirkless again. I'm going to be left behind while everyone achieves the dreams I've always wanted, and it sucks. It fucking sucks, okay? So to answer your question early, no, I'm not okay.”
Slightly embarrassed by his outburst, he turns his head away. He can't look at Kacchans knowing he's going to look at him with those eyes again. The same pitiful look everyone has given him since last year, when the war ended. The silence makes him look up again, and he sees that Kacchan is angry.
“What gives you the fucking right to give up on your dream, hm? When have you ever given up because something seemed so fucking impossible? The answer is never you shit head, so why now? Just because you have a quirk doesn't mean you can't be a hero with me,” Kacchan stands up, some anger leaving his face.
“I don't have a quirk, Kacchan. I never give up because I can always find a way around it, but this time I can't.” Kacchan looks at him with pity.
“Can you stop fucking looking at me like that?” he snaps. “Everyone is looking at me like I'm so useless. I know I'm quirkless again, Kacchan, but that doesn't mean you have to pity me for it.” Kacchan looks confused and takes a step towards Izuku.
Izuku puts up his hands and takes a step back. “Everyone is looking at me like I'm so broken. They know I can't be a hero, and they feel bad, but no one can change it. So, can everyone stop looking at me like I'm a kicked dog who can't defend itself?” his eyes betray him and slowly start to well with tears. He starts to shake his head and points his finger at Kacchan.
“Especially you, Kacchan. After everything, I thought you would be the only person in the world to see me and not pity me.” Kacchan takes another step forward.
“Izuku, I don't pity you.” Through his tears, he gets mad again.
“Yes, you do, Kacchan. You look at me with those eyes, and it's driving me crazy.”
“Izuk-”
“Just please leave Kacchan.” Kacchan shakes his head for a moment and tries to step toward Izuku.
“Leave Kacchan!” Kacchan steps back and heads for the door.
“You know, Izuku, I never pitied you, not even in middle school. I've always thought you were so much stronger than I was, and it scared me. Even quirkless, you're the greatest hero the world will ever see, and you seem to forget that.” He finishes and walks out the door. Leaving Izuku engulfed in darkness and alone, again.
---
Waking up the next day, Izuku felt worse than he did the day before. He barely slept, and whatever excitement he felt is gone. He hates fighting with Kacchan. They've gotten better; they talk and hang out. They were good. Izuku is just at the end of his straw right now. He feels the embers slipping, and it's making him feel everything. He feels empty inside, yet he knows they are still there.
He wants to apologise for his behaviour, but he also never wants to talk again. He wishes none of this had ever happened. He wants to be normal again.
Dragging himself out of bed, he takes a quick shower. Changing into his uniform, he hurries out the door and takes the stairs. The common room is empty, just the remnants showing people were here. He takes his time going to class. The warm breeze hits his face, and he's reminded of the spring a year ago. He was so excited to become a hero. I wonder how disappointed he would be if he knew how it turned out?
Walking into class, he keeps his head down, not talking to anyone. Sitting behind Kacchan, he tunes out whatever Aizawa is saying about their interns who are about to start. He doesn't see or hear the people around him get up and leave until someone kicks his desk.
“Stop daydreaming, nerd, we need to go”, Kacchan says, trying to sound stern, but his face betrays him with a soft expression.
Silently, Izuku picks up his belongings and pushes past Kacchan without a word. Maybe everything would be okay if he just distanced himself from everyone. He was stupid to think Kacchan would let that happen. Feeling someone grab the top handle of his backpack, he is pulled back. He stumbles a bit and glares up at Kacchan.
“I don't want to fight Izuku. I get why you're upset, but just fucking talk to me, okay?” This time, his face stays stern.
“I just really don't feel like talking to you, Kacchan.” He says getting ready to walk away. Kacchan grabs his hand this time and gently pulls it.
“Fine, be like that. Just be safe today, okay?”
“I'm not made of glass, Kacchan”, he gives a tight smile and walks away.
Katsuki stands there feeling Izuku pull away from him, and he can't do anything to stop him except watch him leave. He feels his heart break the tiniest bit.
At the agency, he picked a low-level pro with a size quirk. Her name is Naomi-san, and she's a pretty woman with long blond hair down to her waist and glasses. She can increase the size and length of her legs, making her great at defence. When he walked in, Izuku asked her a million questions at an exceptional speed. Even if he was gonna be quirkless again, he was still so fascinated with every quirk he encountered.
Now they're patrolling. He's a block away from Kacchan, and he wants to talk to him so badly. He always does. His actions today and yesterday hurt him more than the other. This is killing him, but letting Kacchan get close and see how Izuku feels about him, even though Izuku doesn’t know what he feels. Kacchan always read him like a book. He can't let him close. His mental state is in a bad spot, and Kacchan is already worrying.
So Izuku keeps his distance. He knows it's safer like this. Kacchan will graduate and move on with his life, and he doesn't need Izuku slowing him down.
Walking down the street, Izuku can feel a hole in his chest. He knows the embers are they, weakly but there, so it must just be from the isolation. Izuku hates being alone more than anything. It's the worst feeling in the world. He just can't seem to be alone with anyone too close after the war. He's not okay. He knows he's not okay, and he doesn't want to do or say anything to hurt anyone's feelings. Example One, Kacchan. He needs to sort out his own feelings and thoughts before he can talk.
He's not really alone. Noami-san is walking with him, slightly behind. He just met her, but he can say he trusts her. Maybe not in a head-to-head battle, but with getting out of a tough spot. She's not a pro for no reason.
He may not be physically alone, but mentally he's all by himself.
He wants to still be near, close. Just to feel okay. He wants to stand and sit next to Kacchan. Even just the same room or same air makes all the difference.
So as he's walking down the street, he didn't exactly expect to bump into Kacchan. He's a little down the road, but he can see his blonde hair and just feel him from miles away. At the same time, he spots Kacchan, a purse snatcher attacks a woman right across the street from him. Since it's just a single villain, Noami-san stays behind to watch. To give him feedback and tips later. So he takes off running.
Kacchan and his team seem to notice too and make their way over. Not too hurriedly, since it's only a purse snatcher, just slightly behind in case something happens. Kacchan sees Izuku and never looks away.
Kacchan and Izukus' eyes meet just as he's jumping mid-air to tackle the purse snatcher.
“Give that back, villain!” He shouts as he goes to use a One For All smash.
Just as he goes to swing, the purse snatcher turns around and blasts off their quirk. They look like sound waves headed straight for Izuku's head. Purple and squiggly, kind of like Mics sound waves.
“Izuku!”
He hears Kacchan call for him as he tries to dodge. Trying to move to the left, he feels all the embers leave his body. He's quirkless, mid-air, fighting a villain who just fired their quirk, and he can't even dodge.
He's fucked.
He feels a sharp, painful sensation hit his head as he goes flying backwards. He lands on the ground and starts thrashing. The pain in his skull feels like needles and fire and everything. It's too much. He starts crying involuntarily from the sheer pain. He got taken down by a single purse snatcher. He's not a hero. He's quirkless. Kacchan runs over. He feels him running over, as his team handles the villain. The air around Kacchan makes Izuku feel better, safer.
“Izuku! Are you okay?” He asks, sounding worried.
The pain disappears, and Izuku looks up.
“I'm okay!” He says cheerfully. “Thanks for asking, sir”, he smiles, his smile even if it may be fake.
The guy in front of Izuku flinches and pulls his arm back.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Izuku?” he snaps.
“Uh, sorry, my hero name is Deku,” he says, kind of put off by a bystander saying his first name.
“What the fuck?”
“Sorry, sir, I really do need to get back to my patrol now.” he goes to walk away, and the guy grabs his upper arm.
“Do you not remember who I am, Izuku?” The guy's face looked sad, almost. His heart hurts, and he suddenly gets a headache. Clutching his head, he looks back at the guy.
“I'm sorry, am I supposed to? Did we meet somewhere?” Izuku is so confused right now. He needs to go patrol, and this random guy is asking him if he knows him. Today is not my day, but for some reason, he can't really remember why.
“Izuku..” he sounds broken, and Izuku's heart clutches and wants to go and hug this random man.
“Why does my heart hurt when I look at you?” Izuku asks.