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“Today is the greatest day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out”
A warm home, lit with the fragrance of yuzu and bergamont, sunlight that pours into stained glass windows of strawberry fields. Two cats, one dog, a large kitchen with a suitable island in the center, three greenhouses outside that boast healthy rows of vegetables. Cucurbits that climb up the trellises, curling around the structure like a warm hug. Herbs that sprout with sublime aromas, fruits that pop with color.
The balminess never fades, never falters despite the seasons.
When it's warm, they’ll dip their toes into the pond. When it’s windy, they’ll share a cup of Earl Grey in the library. When it’s freezing, they’ll take turns thawing each other’s pink hands in front of the fireplace.
Ricky and Gyuvin have everything planned out to a T.
A corkboard in their shared apartment with pins all over the place, little polaroids of cherished memories that last longer when they’re displayed for the whole world to see. Notes from their first months together tacked on, the edges frayed from being carried around in pockets. Tickets to theme parks, receipts from their favorite cafés, report cards boasting grades they achieved from long nights of quizzing each other.
They add to it every so often, rummaging through their bags to pull out crumpled pieces of reminders that paint vibrant vignettes the moment another pin wedges into the board. Ricky’s first time presenting at a research conference, Gyuvin’s second dance competition, their shared memory of university orientation. Simple things, things that neither one would ever want to forget. It’s the small things that Gyuvin in particular has learned to hold so tight to.
Even the way he holds Ricky’s pinky finger, playing with the appendage like a fidget toy, giggling away at the screen while the two remain tangled underneath the blanket. Gyuvin’s laugh is airless and light, like he’s already floating away minutes past when he should be. He still throws his head back with vigor when Ricky says something particularly funny, despite the kind of pain it puts him through. A seamless kind of joy, one that almost distracts Ricky from the reality of their date night.
Ricky swallows down the nerves and the nauseating anticipation, just like Gyuvin told him to.
“You didn’t have to do so much, you know. A simple goodbye would have been perfect.”
“You know that’s not how this would go.”
Ricky had kissed the top of his head, gripping the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. One kiss for his forehead, two kisses for his cheek, three kisses for his failing heart.
“I just wanted to be near you. That’s enough.”
Ricky’s response was slurred, his throat closed up so tight he could barely speak. Gyuvin’s smile was the only thing with enough power to get him through to the end of his sentence.
“Until the last second, I’ll be here.”
Gyuvin had laughed, caressing Ricky’s cheek the same way he’d done on their third date.
“Don’t cry, Ricky. We’ll see each other once more. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll fight every eternal war or live a thousand lifetimes as an ant just to see you again.”
“But I want you now.”
The soul-crushing exchange was only eight hours ago, when Ricky had kickstarted Gyuvin’s-Last-Day-Extravaganza, subjecting him to every single one of his favorite shows, activities, foods, and people. He’d spoiled him rotten, almost forgetting that the day would inevitably come to an end.
It wasn’t a selfish choice, of course it wasn’t.
Medical aid in dying was the best course of action for a sickly boy that couldn’t live a single second without excruciating pain. Ricky couldn’t live any more nights holding his sobbing boyfriend, begging for a release. He couldn’t spend another hour crashing on Gyuvin’s hospital bed, a bouquet of flowers sat by the bedside.
When Gyuvin had made the decision, Ricky’s own heart was numb. Nothing could ever prepare him for the grueling ache, but it was nothing close to Gyuvin’s own suffering. Being selfish would be begging him to stay. And while the plea stayed teetering on the tip of Ricky’s tongue, it never made it past his lips.
“Focus on the movie, Ricky,” Gyuvin softly giggles, that same jovial voice snapping Ricky out of his morbid thoughts. “There’s only a few minutes left. You’ll miss the ending.”
Nodding, Ricky silently presses a kiss to Gyuvin’s cracked lips. “You’re right, I wouldn't want that.” His eyes lock back onto the screen, blinking away the inevitable.
Time passes, the movie ends. Gyuvin yawns. The physician standing outside of the door knocks before softly pushing her way into the room. Ricky’s heart drops to his stomach as he feels the terror settle in— one he tried so desperately to prepare himself for. Gyuvin places both hands on either side of Ricky’s face, smiling so wide that his gums show.
“I love you, Ricky. You’ve given me so much to live for.” He presses a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “I’d do it over again. So don’t be sad. You’ll always carry a piece of me with you.”
Ricky shakes his head, watching as the physician flicks her needle, forcing out the air bubbles. She gives him a somber look, her own eyes tearing up. He turns his attention back to Gyuvin.
Their foreheads press together.
“Qubing…goodbye. You’ll never know how much I love you.”
Gyuvin only grins.
The physician gives him a nod, reaching over the bed.
Ricky holds his breath as Gyuvin takes his last.
A warm home. Yuzu. Strawberry fields. A happy, healthy man with a beating heart. Two souls that dance around the kitchen island, reminiscing on a love that was once young.
Gyuvin’s chest stills, a smile lingering on his face.
“I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face”