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Mumfrey was born and raised in the royal stables of the Hamsterbone Kingdom. For a quail, life was very good: the kingdom was prosperous, and the stables were clean and spacious. The stalls were always filled with clean straw, and the quail were given plentiful, high quality birdseed to eat.
Some of the quail pulled the royal carriage when the King and/or the Queen needed to go on a journey, or pulled more humble wagons when the servants needed to go into town for supplies. Others worked as riding quail for the royal family or palace officials.
Mumfrey's father Humphrey was the King's personal mount, and his mother Qualia was the Queen's. But all of the quail, regardless of whether they were royal riding quail or humble wagon-pullers, were treated very well.
The quail earned their keep, but they were never overworked or mistreated. The stablehands groomed them, and exercised them when they weren't needed for riding or carriage-pulling, and even gave them treats from time to time.
Thus, all of the quail in the Hamsterbone stables were very content...except for Mumfrey. Not that he was ungrateful, because he knew from visiting quail that other kingdoms didn't treat their quail nearly as well. His life was very pleasant and peaceful, but it was just a little, well...dull.
One of the stable boys liked to read adventure novels, and he was always talking about tales of brave knights fighting dragons or rescuing princesses. And occasionally visitors brought news of jousting tourneys, which sounded almost as exciting.
The Hamsterbone Kingdom didn't have any jousting tournaments. They sort of had knights, or at least they had palace guards who sometimes wore armor. However, they didn't get to do much fighting, since the Kingdom was so peaceful. Once in a great while they apprehended a thief trying to sneak into the castle, or took care of a roving gang of bandits, but for the most part, things were very quiet.
"Quiet is good," Humphrey said firmly. "I have no desire to fight a dragon and risk becoming its roast quail dinner!"
"And jousting isn't all it's cracked up to be," said a quail named Beauregard who had brought a visiting knight to the palace. "Do you know how much a hamster in plate mail weights? Not to mention the armor that I have to wear? My back aches for days after a tourney. Not to mention having another quail charging at you full tilt while your riders are trying to hit each other with giant lances. I'm always worried that I'm going to get skewered by mistake one day."
Personally, Mumfrey thought that Beau was a bit of a wet blanket, but it would have been rude to insult a guest, so he kept his opinion to himself.
And soon, the quiet life in the stables grew a little less quiet when young Princess Harriet appeared. At first, she rode with her father the King, seated in front of him on the saddle, with his arms wrapped securely around her.
The King wanted to start off with a gentle ride, so Humphrey slowly walked around the paddock, but Harriet bounced impatiently in the saddle and said, "Daddy, can't we go any faster? Giddy-up, Mister Quail!"
"His name is Humphrey," her father replied patiently. "And since this is your first time riding, I promised your mother that we would be safe and take things slowly."
"Can't we go just a little faster," Harriet wheedled, with a wide-eyed imploring look. "Pleeease?"
The King might have been the ruler of the Hamsterbone Kingdom, but he was also a doting father. "Well...maybe just a wee bit faster," he said. "But don't tell your mother. What do you say, Humphrey? Can you pick up the pace a little?"
Humphrey sighed, then moved into a brisk trot. Harriet bounced again, looking happier but not entirely satisfied. After a couple of laps around the paddock, she said, "Faster!"
But this time her father held firm. "That's enough for now, dear. If you fell off, we would both be in big trouble with your mother."
Harriet pouted, but her father would not relent, and she had to settle for a trot as the fastest pace allowed. When she got bored with circling around the paddock, the King did take her out for a ride around the palace gardens though still at a trot.
"I'm so exhausted!" Humphrey groaned later, flopping down in the soft straw padding his stall. "The King doesn't go riding that often, and when he does, it's always a leisurely stroll. Princess Harriet kept wanting me to go faster--I haven't worked this hard in years!"
"But the King kept you at a trot, didn't he?" Mumfrey asked. "That's not that fast. Maybe you're getting out of shape, Dad."
"Well, how rude!" Humphrey squawked indignantly. "I'll have you know that I'm not a spring chicken--or rather, quail--anymore!"
"There, there," Qualia said soothingly, patting him gently with one wing. "I know you worked very hard today, dear. And Mumfrey, you should be more sympathetic towards your father. We've always led a quiet, sedate life here in the royal stables, not galloping all over the place like that poor Beauregard fellow."
"As if all that trotting wasn't enough, the Princess wanted to play at being a knight," Humphrey groaned. "You know how the gardeners have trimmed the hedges into animal shapes? She wanted to charge at the dragon-shaped one and smite it! Fortunately, the King told her that it wouldn't be nice to ruin the gardeners' hard work."
"Oh dear, smiting the hedges," Qualia said. "Princess Harriet certainly is...um...unique. I thought that princesses were more interested in things like gowns and balls and handsome princes."
"I like the idea of a princess who wants to smite dragons!" Mumfrey exclaimed.
"Son, a dragon would turn you into roast quail," his father told him. "Fortunately, there were no real dragons around, and the hedge-dragon was saved when the King said it was time to return to the stables."
"How boring," Mumfrey sighed.
"Boring is good," Humphrey said firmly. "In my opinion, excitement is high overrated."
"And often dangerous," Qualia added, and all the other quail in the stables nodded in agreement except for Mumfrey.
Things continued more or less as normal in the stables, with Harriet taking a few rides with her father, and one with her mother that she proclaimed even more boring than the others because the Queen refused to let her mount (Qualia) go faster than a walk.
"C'mon, Mom, at least a trot," Harriet wheedled.
"No, you might fall off," her mother said sternly. "And if you keep bouncing around in the saddle like that, young lady, we're going to turn around and head right back to the stables."
It wasn't long after that incident that Harriet said she wanted her own quail so that she could ride by herself.
"Absolutely not!" the Queen said.
"Maybe it's not such a bad idea, Your Majesty," the Stablemaster said. "She has a good seat and a good sense of balance."
"But she'll go galloping all over the place without anyone to hold her back," the Queen protested.
"Of course she'll be supervised by the staff and have riding lessons in the paddock," the Stablemaster assured her. "At least until she gets more experience. I'm sure Princess Harriet will be a quick learner."
"That's what I'm afraid of," the Queen muttered.
"This could be a good opportunity to teach Harriet responsibility," the King said. "Say, for example, getting her own quail would be contingent on doing well in her lessons."
The Queen's expression brightened, while Harriet's grew more dismayed.
"I'm doing really well in math," she said hopefully.
"That's good, dear, but I want you to do well in all your lessons," the Queen said implacably. "And that includes dancing, etiquette, and deportment."
Harriet groaned, and her mother said in a no-nonsense voice, "That's the deal; take it or leave it."
"Yes, Mother," Harriet said glumly. Then, perking up slightly, she asked, "So can I pick out my quail now?"
The Queen tried to keep a stern expression on her face, but the corners of her mouth quirked up in a slight smile. "Very well, but the riding lessons won't start until you've completed two weeks of lessons. Just to make sure you won't forget your promise."
"Yes, Mother," Harriet sighed. Then she turned to address the quail in the stables. "Okay, who would like to be my battle quail--"
"Battle quail!" the Queen exclaimed.
"Ahem, I mean my riding quail," Harriet corrected herself. "I'm looking for a quail who's brave and adventurous!"
All of the quail in the stables hastily turned to look in any direction other than at the Princess. A few tucked their heads under their wings and pretended to be sleeping. A few others burrowed into the straw lining their stalls and attempted to hide. A few whistled casually as they looked away, pretending not to notice Harriet.
All of the quail, that is, except Mumfrey. He jumped up and down, flapping his wings as he shouted, "Me! Pick me!"
Of course, all that the hamsters heard was, "Qwerk! Qwerk qwerk!" Still, the meaning was clear enough to them.
The Stablemaster smiled and said, "Well, it seems like Mumfrey would like to be your mount, Princess Harriet. He's a bit green, but he's a good quail, brave and clever. I think that you and he will suit each other."
"He seems a bit young and excitable," the Queen said doubtfully. "Are you sure that a more experienced quail wouldn't be better?"
"Mumfrey is of good stock," the Stablemaster assured her. "His parents are your Majesties' own mounts. He is young, but he's a good quail. He and the Princess can learn together, and that will strengthen the bond between rider and mount."
"Your son will take good care of our girl, won't he?" the King asked Humphrey.
"Qwerk!" Humphrey replied, which meant, "Of course he will!"
Qualia leaned out over her stall door and qwerked at the Queen in a gentle, reassuring voice.
The Queen patted Qualia, saying, "Well, I suppose it will be all right if he's your son..."
"Yippee!" Harriet shouted, and ran forward to throw her arms around Mumfrey. "Hello, Mumfrey, I'm Harriet, and we're going to be best friends!"
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey happily agreed.
The Queen sighed, a bit ruefully, and the King put his arm around her. "She seems very happy, my dear."
"She does," the Queen agreed, smiling tenderly at her daughter. "I suppose there's no harm in letting her have a riding quail."
***
Harriet was not allowed to start riding Mumfrey until she'd completed two weeks of lessons to her mother's satisfaction, but no one had thought to prohibit her from visiting him in the stables, so she went to see him every day.
She asked to learn how to groom and saddle him, which pleased the Stablemaster. "A good rider is able to see to his or her quail's needs," he said approvingly.
"Of course I'll need to take care of him myself," Harriet said, gently scratching Mumfrey on the top of his head near his crest.
"Qwerrk," he sighed, which meant, "Ah, that's just the right spot."
"After all, when we go questing, we won't have any grooms traveling with us," Harriet continued.
"I don't think--" one of the grooms started to say, but the Stablemaster shushed him.
"Let the Princess dream of adventure while she can," he whispered, and the groom nodded, both of them looking at Harriet sadly.
Mumfrey didn't understand the reason for that, because Harriet was always cheerful--well, except when she was complaining about her deportment lessons.
She visited him every day after her lessons, and groomed him and fed him a treat while she told him about her day.
"I have no idea why it's important to be able to walk around balancing a book on your head," Harriet groaned.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said sympathetically.
"Or why I need to know how to dance a waltz or foxtrot," Harriet said.
"Qwerk...qwerk qwerk? Qwerk?" Mumfrey said, which meant, "Maybe...if you need to go undercover at a ball to catch a thief? Or maybe an assassin?"
"Hmm, doubtful...but you never know," Harriet said thoughtfully. "I'll try and keep that in mind during my lessons."
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey exclaimed.
"Of course I can understand you," Harriet replied. "We are best friends, after all."
Mumfrey had never met a non-quail person who understood the various nuances of "qwerk," but Harriet picked up on it quickly, and soon they were having long conversations together in his stall.
She would read him stories from her adventure novels, and they'd talk about all the adventures they would have together someday.
It nearly killed her, but Harriet managed to make it through the two weeks of dancing and etiquette and deportment lessons without screaming (though she did grit her teeth a lot). And she thought she deserved a medal for not stuffing the book she had to balance on her head down the deportment teacher's throat.
But it was all worth it when she finally got to ride Mumfrey. She went through the required lessons in the safety of the paddock, but the Stablemaster declared that she was a natural, and it wasn't long before they were galloping all over the countryside pretending to fight monsters. Pretending, because her parents wouldn't let her fight real monsters, which Harriet thought was extremely unfair of them.
However, Harriet didn't complain too much because if she did, her parents might forbid her to go riding at all and that would be intolerable. So she and Mumfrey contented themselves with smiting ogrecats and slaying dragons (actually bushes and shrubs) with a wooden sword.
Eventually she coaxed the Weaponsmaster into giving her a practice dummy that she could whack with a sword or charge at with a lance. The poor dummy needed frequent mending, of course, but Harriet didn't mind patching it up with the sewing skills she had been forced to learn as part of her princess training.
"This is much more practical than embroidering a stupid handkerchief," she told Mumfrey. "If you're just going to blow your nose into it, why bother sewing little flowers and stuff on it?"
Harriet was a little surprised that her parents allowed her to leave the palace grounds at all, even if she wasn't allowed to slay real ogres or dragons. However, it wasn't long before she noticed a couple of guards following at what they obviously thought was a discreet distance.
"They stick out like a sore thumb," Harriet told Mumfrey.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey replied, which meant, "Let's just humor them."
"When I get older, we are definitely going monster hunting for real," Harriet said determinedly.
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey agreed.
***
As much as Harriet loved their rides together, she increasingly chafed at the restrictions placed on her. Not content with fighting bushes and practice dummies, she soon began practicing sword fighting with the palace guards. (Wooden swords only, which Harriet grudgingly compromised on.)
At first the guards just humored her, but that quickly changed after she trounced one of them--due to a combination of luck, sheer enthusiasm, and a bit of strategy. Her training partner had not been expecting the young princess to run at him full tilt while shouting, "Hiyaaah!" and whacking him hard on the legs with her wooden sword.
Harriet was too short to reach his chest, so she had aimed where she could easily reach, and the guard tipped over like a tree being cut down with an ax. And once he was on the ground, that made it easier for Harriet to jump on top of him and whack him some more until he yelled, "Ow! Enough, Princess! Ow, I give up!"
After that, the guards started taking the lessons more seriously, regarding her with both affection and trepidation. They were quite fond and proud of Harriet, who worked hard and learned quickly, and didn't stand on ceremony with them. However, anyone sparring with her was bound to end up with a few--or maybe more than a few--bruises.
However, around the time that she and Mumfrey were starting to learn mounted combat, her mother heard about the lessons and put a stop to them. Harriet was very upset, but her mother remained adamant, so she and Mumfrey continued practicing on their own in secret.
Without her sword fighting lessons to look forward to, Harriet grew more and more irritated with her deportment teachers. One of them quit in disgust when she kept stomping around instead of sighing ethereally as a proper melancholic princess should. Another tutor--the one who forced Harriet to walk around with a book on her head to improve her posture--was found in the library with a book stuffed in his mouth.
"Okay, maybe I went a little too far," Harriet admitted to Mumfrey later that night in the stables. She wasn't really supposed to be there because her mother had grounded her for a month, but Harriet figured that since she wasn't riding or leaving the palace grounds, technically she wasn't violating the terms of her punishment. However, her mother probably wouldn't see it that way, so Harriet had snuck out after bedtime just to be on the safe side.
"But he was so obnoxious!" Harriet defended herself. "I could have a little respect for him if he balanced a book on his head, too, but he gave me a condescending look and said, 'Tut, tut, Princess, you're the student here, not me.' I mean, who actually says 'tut tut'?"
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said sympathetically, agreeing that the tutor probably had it coming.
That was the worst, though far from the last incident involving Harriet's deportment teachers, but her parents were surprisingly lenient with her. It might have had something to do with the way that the stablehands and guards looked at Harriet with sadness and sympathy, and whispered about "the poor princess" when she wasn't around.
They never discussed specifics around the quail, so Mumfrey didn't know exactly what they thought was wrong with Harriet. His mother said, "The Queen doesn't go riding much these days, and when she does, she sighs a lot and worries about what will become of her little girl. But I don't know what she thinks is going to happen."
"Perhaps she has a serious illness," Humphrey suggested. "The King said once that Harriet didn't have much time left."
"Harriet has way too much energy to be sick," Mumfrey scoffed. "We run all over the countryside--well, I guess technically I run and she rides. But she wore out three of the palace guards during swordfighting practice and was still raring to go."
"I hope you're right," Qualia said doubtfully. "But everyone seems to be worried about her for some reason. I wish I knew what it was."
Mumfrey considered asking Harriet, but she probably didn't know, since everyone was whispering about it so vaguely and secretively. And there was a tiny, niggling thread of fear deep inside him that there really was something wrong with Harriet, and he didn't want to admit it even to himself.
***
When Harriet was ten, they finally found out what was behind the whispers.
She ran into the stable one morning, her clothes and fur completely soaked. "Mumfrey, guess what?" Harriet shouted gleefully.
"Qwerk?"
"I'm cursed!"
"Qweerrk," Mumfrey said in confusion, meaning, "You say that like it's a good thing."
"It is," Harriet insisted, and explained how as a baby, she'd been cursed by an evil fairy to prick herself on a hamster wheel on her twelfth birthday and fall asleep forever unless she was kissed by a prince.
"Qwerk."
"Yeah, I know, bleah," Harriet agreed. "But the good part is that the curse will happen no matter what, which means that it has to keep me alive until then. Which means that until I turn twelve, I'm invincible!"
"Qwerk?" Mumfrey asked skeptically.
"I've already tested it," Harriet assured him. "I jumped off the highest tower in the castle into the moat, and I came out without a bruise or scratch."
"Qwerk," Mumfrey sighed, shaking his head. He loved Harriet dearly, but he was beginning to realize that she might be a little bit crazy. Maybe more than a little bit.
"Which means," Harriet said impatiently, "that we can go jousting and monster hunting and dragon smiting! Mom and Dad always said before that it was too dangerous, but now i'm invincible!"
"Qwerrk?" Mumfrey asked, which meant, "Sounds great, but what do we do when you turn twelve?"
Harriet shrugged. "I have two years to figure something out. My parents are lining up a prince as a backup, but I don't intend to wait around for some prince to rescue me. Especially since I haven't been impressed by the ones that I've met so far." Then her expression brightened as she said, "But for now, I'm invincible, so that means we can go questing!"
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey cheered.
Harriet had already packed some supplies and "borrowed" a sword and a lance from the armory. She hastily saddled up Mumfrey and said, "Let's get going before Mom and Dad try to stop us."
Mumfrey's parents were in the stable, and qwerked a bit fretfully, but didn't try to stop the pair.
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of Mumfrey," Harriet assured them.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said, which meant, "And I'll take good care of Harriet."
"Qwerk qwerk...qwerk," Humphrey sighed, which meant, "I suppose the Princess should enjoy herself while she can before...well, you know."
"Qwerk qwerk!" Qualia said, which meant, "Just don't forget that you're not invincible, son!"
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said placatingly, and then he and Harriet ran off to start their great adventure.
***
They started off with a jousting tournament, something both Harriet and Mumfrey had always dreamed of doing. When the knights saw that their opponent was a ten year old girl, several of them laughed and scoffed, which Mumfrey thought was rather unchivalrous of them. Others were concerned and gently told Harriet that jousting was too dangerous for a girl, especially one as young as she was.
They meant well, but Harriet had been told all her life about all the things that a girl, particularly a princess should not do, and she'd just about had her fill of it. "Thanks, but I can take care of myself," she said curtly.
"On your own head be it, then," sighed her first opponent, Sir Chauncey. "I shall try to go easy on you." He was a hamster nearly twice Harriet's size, and looked quite impressive in his suit of shiny armor.
Harriet, however, was not impressed. "Don't hold back," she retorted. "Because I sure won't."
Meanwhile, Sir Chauncey's mount gazed at Mumfrey, cocking his head to one side. "You look familiar," he said.
"I'm Mumfrey, from the Hamsterbone stables," Mumfrey replied. "And I remember you--you're Beauregard."
(If any of the knights and spectators had been paying attention to the two quail, all they would have heard was "qwerk qwerk qwerk qwerk," but they were more much interested in what was going on between Harriet and Sir Chauncey.)
"That's right," said Beauregard. "You're the young quail who wanted a life of adventure. It looks like you've got it...in a manner of speaking." He gave Harriet a skeptical look.
"She's the best partner a quail could ever have," Mumfrey said proudly. "Don't underestimate her--Harriet is much tougher than she looks!"
"If you say so," Beauregard said, not looking convinced. "If nothing else, she's stubborn. She won't back down, so it looks like we're up. I hope you and your rider don't get hurt."
"Same to you," Mumfrey replied, feeling a little miffed. Though to be fair, he supposed that normally a ten year old girl going up against an adult knight would be insane. They didn't know that Harriet was invincible, although Mumfrey would still believe she could do it even if she weren't.
Now that the match was set, Mumfrey and Beauregard trotted to their places opposite each other.
"Today's first match is Sir Chauncey of Silver Lake versus Princess Harriet of the Hamsterbone Kingdom!" the herald announced.
"Charge!" Harriet yelled enthusiastically, and Mumfrey and Beauregard raced towards each other as their riders learned forward in the saddle, pointing their lances straight ahead.
As Mumfrey saw Beauregard charging towards him, and Sir Chauncey's lance pointed right at him and Harriet, he suddenly recalled his mother's parting words, that Harriet might be invincible but he wasn't.
Maybe Harriet isn't the only crazy one, he thought to himself, feeling a bit panicked.
He wasn't sure if Harriet sensed his hesitation, but at that moment she shouted, "Come on, Mumfrey, we can do this!"
Mumfrey's fear vanished as quickly as it had started. Hadn't he wanted a life of adventure even before he became Harriet's quail? And Harriet had wanted to joust and fight monsters long before she had learned she was invincible.
"QWERRRRK!" he roared, running even faster towards their opponents. (In Quail, that roughly translated to, "Bring it on!")
The spectators shouted in excitement and apprehension as it looked like the two quail would crash into each other. At the last second, Mumfrey swerved slightly to the side as they had practiced, though it was a lot different doing it with a moving target instead of a bush or a practice dummy.
Harriet, being a lot shorter than Sir Chauncey, ducked under his lance and rammed hers into his stomach, which fortunately for him, was armored. The force of blow was still enough to send him flying up into the air off his mount and land with a loud thud on the ground, the spectators hastily scrambling out of the way.
Normally the crowd cheered for the winner, but this time there was a stunned silence as they stared in disbelief at the renowned Sir Chauncey having been beaten by a ten year old princess. Beauregard's momentum carried him forward before he skidded to a halt and turned around to gaze at Harriet with equal disbelief.
"Er...and the winner is...Princess Harriet?" the herald said uncertainly.
None of that dampened Harriet's spirits at all as she shouted ecstatically, "Woo hoo! We did it, Mumfrey, we won!"
She carefully lowered her lance down to the ground (a good warrior always took care of their weapons, she always said). Then she wrapped her arms around Mumfrey's neck and hugged him tightly, saying, "You are the best friend and best battle quail in the world, Mumfrey."
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said quietly, which meant, "You're the best too, Harriet."
***
For the next two years they had a blast, living out their dreams of adventure. They jousted in other tournaments, and Harriet won so often that the jousting organizers started telling her that she should sit this one out and give someone else a chance to win.
"Sore losers," Harriet grumbled, but wasn't too upset because there were plenty of other exciting things to do. She developed a love of cliff diving that had probably started when she'd jumped off the tower to test her invincibility.
Mumfrey, not being invincible and unable to swim, had to wait on land. Honestly, he didn't enjoy being left out, but cliff diving made Harriet so happy that it was hard to begrudge her that pleasure, and he was her partner in all her other adventures.
They fought dragons and rescued captive princesses from the dragons' lairs. Some of those princesses were more grateful than others...a few did not appreciate being rescued by another princess instead of a handsome prince. And in one case, they had to rescue a dragon from the princess who had moved into his home uninvited and refused to leave.
Between adventures, Harriet sent letters home to her parents, telling them that she was fine and not to worry. They still worried, though, her mother in particular, who urged her to stop fighting dragons before she got roasted to a crisp.
"Jeez, Mom, I'm invincible, remember?" Harriet grumbled while reading the letter.
Meanwhile, her father had written, "I know that you're invincible, dear, but maybe you shouldn't push the limits of the curse too far. So please be careful, for both your sake and Mumfrey's. Remember that he doesn't share your curse--you wouldn't want him turning into a roast quail, right?"
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey said, half in agreement and half not. He enjoyed fighting dragons with Harriet and was confident that he was quick enough to evade the dragons' breath and not be turned into roast quail. On the other hand, his feathers had gotten a little bit singed once or twice. But that was when they were just learning how to fight dragons--he had much more experience now in dodging dragon's breath.
"Well, I guess I shouldn't complain too much," Harriet told Mumfrey. "They've been pretty cool about letting me go adventuring. I thought they'd have ordered me to come back home by now."
They both fell silent as they realized why the King and Queen were being so indulgent. Harriet's curse was coming due, and they probably wanted her to enjoy herself while she could.
Harriet wasn't one to brood, though, and quickly shook off her melancholy. "I'll try not to worry them too much," she said, and after that began editing her letters to make her adventures sound less dangerous.
For example, instead of saying, "Mumfrey and I went into a deep cavern to deal with a dragon infestation," Harriet would write something like, "Mumfrey and I took a side trip to go spelunking, and happened to encounter some large lizards. We had fun interacting with the local wildlife." Strangely, this did not seem to reassure her parents very much.
After dealing with all the dragons they could find, Harriet decided they should move on to Ogrecats.
"It's a public service," Harriet declared, since Ogrecats had a reputation for eating people.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey replied, which meant, "I'm not the one you have to convince."
Deciding that he was right, Harriet decided to put off telling her parents that she was hunting Ogrecats, at least until after she'd safely taken care of all of them.
Because it was close by--and maybe also because there was a nice cliff overlooking the sea that Harriet could dive from--she chose the Swimming Ogrecat of the Barnacle Coast as their first target.
The local economy depended mostly on fishing but after the Ogrecat had attacked several vessels, the fishermen and women were afraid to go out to sea. So far all she had done was wreck a few boats and stolen their catches, but she had made it clear that she would be just as happy to eat people as well as fish.
Harriet decided that the fastest way to find the Ogrecat was to borrow a boat and set herself up as bait. "You can stay on shore if you want, Mumfrey," she told him, knowing that he wasn't fond of the water.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey replied indignantly, which meant, "I would never let my partner fight an Ogrecat all by herself."
The boat they'd borrowed belonged to a lobster fisherman. "Can you call it 'fishing' if you're catching lobsters?" Harriet wondered as she pulled up lobster traps from the water. "Shouldn't it be 'lobstering'?"
"Qweerrk," Mumfrey groaned, which was Quail for "I don't feel so good."
"I told you to stay on shore," Harriet said.
Before Mumfrey could make a retort, they saw something moving rapidly towards them in the water. At first there were just two dark triangular objects cutting through the water, which caused Mumfrey to squawk, "Qwerk?!"
"No, not sharks," Harriet replied as the triangles rose higher, proving to be attached to the head of a very large and very wet Ogrecat.
"MRROWW!" she roared, opening her mouth wide to expose teeth the size of daggers. With taloned hands, she grabbed the side of the boat and started to climb on board, nearly capsizing the boat.
"I do love lobster for dinner," the Ogrecat said. "But a plump hamster and a fat roasted quail will do nicely for appetizers!"
Mumfrey forgot about his seasickness and shouted, "Qwerk!" (Or in Quail, "I am not fat!") He jumped forward and pecked sharply at her hands, causing the Ogrecat to yelp and fall back into the water with a big splash that rocked the boat.
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey cried, falling back onto his feathered butt. No harm was done, except to his dignity.
The Ogrecat tried to climb onto the boat again but Harriet began smashing lobster traps over her head. The first was empty and shattered into splinters, but only momentarily stunned the cat before she began clawing at the boat with renewed vigor.
Harriet hit her with another trap, this one containing a live and very energetic lobster. When the trap broke, the lobster ended up lodged in the Ogrecat's ear. The lobster was not at all pleased to find itself confined in an even smaller space than the trap, and began wielding its claws in an effort to free itself.
The Ogrecat screamed in pain and fell back into the water, thrashing around and splashing water up onto the deck of the boat.
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey squawked, finding himself completely drenched.
Harriet got soaked too, but didn't seem to mind, being too busy throwing more lobster traps at the Ogrecat, who decided that retreat was the better part of valor. She frantically swam away, with the lobster still clawing at her ear.
"And don't come back or I'll stick a lobster in the other ear!" Harriet shouted.
The fisherfolk cheered when Harriet and Mumfrey returned to shore, having watched from a distance as the pair vanquished the Ogrecat. They stayed in the village for another week just to make sure that she didn't come back, which was no hardship. Mumfrey was petted and cosseted by the grateful villagers, and Harriet spent most of her free time cliff diving.
Next up was the Ogrecat of the Sinister Swamp.
"Qwerk? Qwerk qwerk," Mumfrey complained, wincing as cold, slimy muck oozed between his toes. That was Quail for, "What's up with the Ogrecats swimming in the ocean and living in swamps? I thought cats aren't supposed to like water."
"Maybe Ogrecats are different from regular cats," Harriet suggested. "Or maybe these two are just outliers. After all, even if most cats don't like water, there's bound to be a small percentage of them who do."
Aside from jousting and fighting monsters, Harriet enjoyed math and fractions. However, before she could get too far into the calculations of what percentage of Ogrecats liked water, they noticed a scattering of bones strewn across the path.
Well, there wasn't really a path since they were in the middle of a swamp, but there were bones in the direction they were heading, which was close enough.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said, which meant, "Looks like we've come to the right place."
Harriet nodded. "Let's stay alert, Mumfrey," she said, placing a hand on the hilt of her sword.
Mumfrey carefully picked his way through the bones. It was impossible to tell what kind of creature or creatures they had once belonged to, but toothmarks were visible on many of them.
Eventually they came across a ramshackle hut made of rotting boards that looked like it might collapse at any second. Through the open door, they could see a large Ogrecat lounging on the floor, picking his teeth with the sharp end of a broken bone.
"Come out and face me, Ogrecat," Harriet called out, drawing her sword. "I am Princess Harriet Hamsterbone, and this is my faithful battle quail Mumfrey!"
"Qwerk!"
The Ogrecat looked startled, then dropped the bone and licked his chops. "A plump little hamster and a nice fat quail...it's been ages since I've had such a good meal!"
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey snapped.
"He says it's really rude to call people fat," Harriet translated. "Though I guess we shouldn't expect good manners from people-eating monsters."
"I assure you that I meant it as a compliment," the Ogrecat purred. "You both look quite lovely and delicious. As for eating people...I've been mostly living off frogs and fish. No one ever seems to visit the swamp these days."
"Gee, I can't imagine why," Harriet said sarcastically.
"So it was very nice of you to make it for dinner," the Ogrecat cat said, rising to his feet and heading towards them.
"Charge!" Harriet shouted, waving her sword, and Mumfrey raced towards the Ogrecat.
Even mounted, Harriet only came up the Ogrecat's knee, so that was what she attacked, striking him hard on the kneecap with the flat of her sword. He howled in pain, clutching at his injured knee with his hands while hopping on his good leg.
"Ow, that hurt!" the Ogrecat yelled. "I say, hamster, that was a low blow!"
"Oh, you want to talk about fairness when you're attacking someone less than half...no, I'd say about one-sixth your size?" Harriet retorted.
"Well, I..." the Ogrecat stammered, almost sheepishly.
Harriet didn't wait for him to finish. She hopped off Mumfrey and stabbed the Ogrecat in the big toe of the foot that was still planted on the ground. For a monster of that size, it wasn't much worse than getting a big splinter, but he still screamed and toppled over on his back. Mumfrey immediately jumped onto him and began pecking him.
"Ow ow ow ow ow!" the Ogrecat whined. "Stop it! I give up! Somebody help me! Mommy!"
"Enough, Mumfrey," Harriet said, and Mumfrey grudgingly backed off. He wanted to keep fighting, but a grown Ogrecat crying for his mommy was kind of pathetic, and a look from Harriet told him that she felt the same way.
"Listen up, Ogrecat," Harriet said sternly. "If I let you live--and that's a big 'if'..."
"Yes?" the Ogrecat said hopefully, still sniffling a little.
"You have to promise not to eat people anymore," Harriet finished.
The Ogrecat nodded frantically. "I promise, I promise! I'll be a vegetarian from now on, I promise!"
"Really?" Harriet asked suspiciously.
"Really," the Ogrecat replied. "I hate eating raw meat anyway, and it's hard to get a good fire going in the middle of a swamp."
"Qwerk?" Mumfrey exclaimed.
"Then why on earth do you live in a swamp?" Harriet repeated for him.
"Well, Mommy always said that a real Ogrecat lives in a swamp or bog or marsh," the Ogrecat said.
"I suppose your mommy...er, your mother lives in a swamp, too," Harriet said. She exchanged a look with Mumfrey that said she was planning to pay a visit to Mommy Ogrecat next.
"No, she retired to a tropical island a few years ago," the Ogrecat replied.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey muttered, and Harriet said out loud, "Makes her kind of a hypocrite, don't you think?"
The Ogrecat looked offended for a moment, then thought about it and said, "You're right! There's no reason that I should stay and live in a mucky swamp! I'll move somewhere more sunny." A glare from Harriet caused him to hastily add, "Where I can grow lots of vegetables! Um, as soon as I can walk again."
So Harriet ended up cleaning and bandaging the wound on his big toe, and applied a compress to his sore knee. After that, they left the newly reformed Ogrecat and went on their way.
"Qwerk?" Mumfrey asked.
"I'm not sure if he's really sincere," Harriet replied. "But I just couldn't beat up a guy crying for his mommy. If we hear later that he's gone back to his old ways, then we'll return and show him no mercy."
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said, which meant, "Fair enough."
They fought and thoroughly thrashed a few more Ogrecats. Curiously, after that, it became a lot harder to find Ogrecats.
"Qwerk qwerk," Mumfrey said proudly, which meant, "Word has been spreading about us."
"Too bad," Harriet sighed. "But maybe it's just as well. My twelfth birthday is coming up and Mom will never forgive me if the curse takes hold and I fall into a horrible enchanted sleep away from home." She cheered up as she added, "But we should have time to fight one last Ogrecat before we go home!"
The last target on their list was the Dreaded Ogrecat of Olingsturm, who lived in the Swamp of Sorrow, in keeping with Ogrecat tradition. Mumfrey still didn't get why they were so fond of swamps but at least it made their foe easy to find. All they had to do was follow the paw prints left in the muck straight to the Ogrecat's den.
He was huge, even larger than the previous Ogrecats they had fought, with long fangs and whiskers the size of drinking straws. His bright green eyes, set off against his dark gray and black striped fur, almost seemed to glow in the dim light.
Strangely, he seemed to be reading a small book held between the tips of his long claws.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey whispered, which meant, "I didn't know that Ogrecats could read."
"Me too," Harriet whispered back, then shrugged it off and said, "On the count of three, Mumfrey."
"Qwerk...qwerrk...QWERRK!"
They charged, with Harriet shouting, "Die, foul beast!" She leaped off Mumfrey's back onto the Ogrecat. She landed on his arm, and he was able to shake her off, but Mumfrey jumped onto his head and began pecking at him.
"QWERRRK!" Mumfrey screamed, which meant, "How dare you hurt Harriet!"
"OWWWW!" screamed the Ogrecat.
Meanwhile, Harriet turned the throw into a somersault and landed neatly on her feet--due to a combination of natural agility, practice, and the curse working to protect her until she turned twelve.
"Don't worry, Mumfrey, I'm fine," she called out. To the Ogrecat, she shouted, "I'll make you rue your evil ways," and brought the hilt of her sword down hard on his toes.
Toes seemed to be the vulnerable spot on Ogrecats, because he howled in pain and hopped on one foot while trying to pry Mumfrey off his head,
"Time-out!" the Ogrecat shouted. "Time-out, time-out!"
Harriet reluctantly agreed, while Mumfrey qwerked grumpily. He loved being a battle quail and enjoyed a good fight, and it seemed very unsporting for the Ogrecats to cry for their mommies or ask for time-outs.
"You're Harriet," the Ogrecat said, in a voice that implied Harriet was the monster, not him.
"That's Princess Harriet to you, and you've heard of me?" Harriet said, sounding pleased.
"We've all heard of Crazy Princess Harriet and her mad fighting quail," the Ogrecat replied.
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey said proudly. It was nice to be respected, even if it was by an Ogrecat.
Harriet was less pleased about being called crazy, though the Ogrecat pointed out that it was pretty crazy for a princess to go around beating up monsters in the middle of a swamp.
"Yeah, well, someone who eats people doesn't get to tell me how to live," Harriet argued.
"I don't eat people anymore," the Ogrecat replied. "Haven't for months."
"You don't?" Harriet asked, suddenly sounding deflated.
"Word began getting around that a crazy princess with a sword was beating up Ogrecats who ate people. If you were an Ogrecat, wouldn't you consider a change of diet?"
Harriet and Mumfrey exchanged a look, then nodded, agreeing that seemed logical.
"So what do you eat now?" Harriet asked. In response, the Ogrecat handed his book to her. It was titled To Serve Man-Flavored Substitute by Sully, formerly of the Sinister Swamp, now of the Peaceful Prarie. When she looked at the author portrait on the back cover, she saw that it was indeed the same Ogrecat they had fought, the one who had cried for his mommy.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said in surprise, meaning, "So he did keep his promise, after all."
"After Sully left the swamp, he moved out west and became a soybean farmer," the Ogrecat explained. "Eventually he got good at developing a pretty good person-flavored tofu substitute and published that cookbook. The texture's not quite right but after what you did to my great-aunt, I can live with that."
"Which one was your great-aunt?" Harriet asked.
"The Swimming Ogrecat of the Barnacle Coast. I heard that it took three days to pull that lobster out of her ear. They had to use pliers."
Harriet and Mumfrey looked at each other again and sighed. It looked as though they weren't going to get to have one last fight before going home after all.
Now that it was obvious they weren't going to beat him up, the Ogrecat relaxed and became a congenial host, even offering them a meal if they were hungry.
"I guess you wouldn't care for the person-flavored soy, but I also have chickpeas, hummus, and kale chips."
"No thanks," Harriet said, shuddering at thought of kale chips. She muttered under her breath, "I almost feel guilty about making them stop eating people...almost."
"Qwerk?" Mumfrey said, which meant, "I guess we should hit the road then?"
"Sorry about the misunderstanding," Harriet awkwardly apologized. "I guess we'll be going now."
"It's wet out," the Ogrecat said, smiling kindly, which made a strange contrast with his large fangs. "Let me make you some hot tea for the road."
He served her a cup of hot, very good tea, and even poured some into a saucer for Mumfrey. They chatted for a bit, and the Ogrecat--whose name was Ollie, told them that Sully was actually grateful that Harriet had forced him to become vegetarian.
"He never did like that swamp, anyway," Ollie said. "He just stayed there to please his mother. What about you, Princess? Now that we've all turned vegetarian, are you going to look for some other species of monster to fight?"
"Unfortunately I have to go home to celebrate my twelfth birthday," Harriet replied gloomily.
"Qwerk," Mumfrey said softly, giving her a concerned look. He was worried about Harriet, and moreover, what would happen to him if his best friend fell into an enchanted sleep for who knew how long?
"A birthday is generally a happy occasion," Ollie said, so Harriet explained about the curse.
"Hmm," Ollie said thoughtfully, sipping at his tea. "That does sound awful, but your parents have a prince ready to kiss you just in case, right?"
"That's almost as bad as the curse," Harriet said, making a face, and Ollie laughed.
"Well, personally, if it comes down to you versus the evil fairy, Princess Harriet, I'm putting my money on you," he said. "Just beat her up or stick a lobster in her ear!"
Harriet laughed, her mood suddenly lifting. "Well, I don't have any lobsters on hand, but I do have a sword."
"That's the spirit, Princess," Ollie said encouragingly.
"Thank you for the tea," Harriet said, setting down her empty cup. "And for the advice. But I think it's time for Mumfrey and I to be on our way."
The Ogrecat waved goodbye as they made their way out of the swamp. "Come back for a visit sometime after you get the curse broken," he said.
Mumfrey appreciated that he said "after" and not "if". Somehow it made him feel more confident that Harriet would make it through her twelfth birthday intact and awake.
"He was a nice guy for an Ogrecat," Harriet said as they rode away. "Though it doesn't feel right having a monster make you tea."
"Qwerk," Mumfrey replied, which meant, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do?"
"It's time to head home, then," Harriet sighed, then smiled and patted Mumfrey's neck. "I'm not quite sure how yet, but I know we'll be able to defeat the evil fairy and break the curse as long as I have you by my side."
"Qwerk!" Mumfrey said emphatically, and together they headed back home to the Hamsterbone Kingdom.