Chapter Text
A cold wind blew through Maria's short, golden hair – although it was a lot longer than it had been several months earlier when she'd come to the von Trapp household. It now curled at the base of the neck. She loved the longer length and running her fingertips through it, even though it tended to be more unruly and stick out to the sides from time to time.
She pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulders as the cold mid-December air had quite a frosty bite to it.
Maria gazed across the lake and breathed in deeply. She gripped tightly onto the cold metal of the gates that led out to the boat landing with both hands. Next to her, the stone statuettes of the mythological Pegasus beings looked dark and damp with condensation from the cool early morning air. Pivoting her head slightly, Maria turned to glance back at the house. All was quiet as it normally was at that time of the morning, which she was thankful for. The fresh air and open space gave her time to breathe and think, which was something she was doing more and more of these days.
How time had flown! In some ways, it felt like it was only yesterday that she'd gotten off the bus at the end of the road before she's skipped and heel-clicked her way down the laneway to the enormous and foreboding villa. Yet, in other ways, so much had happened, so much had changed, so much was different… So many things were still left up in the air and unresolved which confused her and constantly made her think and reflect.
Maria could pinpoint the exact moment when things changed and became confusing: the grand and glorious party the Captain had thrown for the Baroness towards the end of the summer.
The children had been so eager to prepare their song to perform for the Captain's guests and there had been a buzz of excitement as they had all watched the guests dance in the grand ballroom from their spot out on the garden terrace. Liesl and Friedrich had joined in with their own version of a waltz before Kurt had asked Maria to teach him the Laendler. It has all been very sweet and innocent, Maria reflected, until the moment the Captain arrived on the terrace. He'd smirked then adjusted his gloves before taking Maria's hand to continue dancing the traditional folk dance together.
Although Maria was a little naive and innocent in the ways of the world after growing up in the mountains and being part of the abbey, she was still a woman after all and she couldn't pretend that she hadn't noticed the way the Captain had looked at her. It gave her tingles all along her skin and made her heart flutter. She could hardly breathe!
But towards the end of the dance, there was a moment, the briefest of seconds when perhaps she thought that he was going to… But no, Maria realised, it couldn't happen and she'd backed away. Maria had seen the flicker of disappointment in the Captain's eyes, making her believe that possibility he felt something too. Yet, only minutes later after the children's performance when Herr Detweiller had asked her to join the party, the Captain had been so dismissive and distant, almost cold, that Maria was convinced she'd been mistaken about his feelings.
"You can if you want to, Fraulein..."
Disappointed by his response, Maria had politely declined the invitation. But as she'd turned away, Maria couldn't help but observe a vicious death stare from the Baroness followed by a triumphant gleam in her eyes as Maria fled upstairs.
The Baroness's reaction had shocked her. Maria knew, of course, the Captain had been courting the Baroness for the better part of a year and it had been rumoured that he was seriously considering marrying the woman. Therefore, it was no surprise that he'd brought the Baroness to Salzburg to meet his children, almost like she was there on approval and the grand and glorious party the Captain had thrown her was another indication that an engagement notice was coming quickly.
But what had been a surprise, however, was Maria's attraction to the Captain herself. Maria knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't help herself. She was like a moth to the flame and she hadn't been able to stay away from the Captain in the weeks leading up to the party. He was handsome, charismatic, witty and unexpectedly easy to talk to about practically anything: the children, history and politics, religion, the weather… any and all topics were open to talk about and sometimes their discussions went on for hours.
Maria had noticed the Baroness's eyes on them anytime she conversed with the Captain, even though their discussions were always completely innocent and conducted in public. However, whenever that had happened, Maria would rapidly make an excuse to end the conversation then leave. While the Baroness had not said anything directly to her about Maria's growing friendship with the Captain, it was quite clear that she was the jealous type and was none-too-happy about the excessive time the Captain spent with his governess.
And that's what made Maria's undeniable attraction to the Captain for growing feelings for him feel worse and slightly treacherous. He was not hers to have, plus she was there with the von Trapp family on God's errand and to ask for the Captain's love would have been wrong. So Maria tried to push her growing feelings for him aside and focus solely on the children and prepare them for the inevitable event of getting a new mother.
That had been working very well until the party and dancing the Laendler with the Captain and their almost kiss, which had been unsettling in itself. But then his curt and offhand dismissal of her after the children's performance, plus the Baroness's evil glare had really rattled her. The Baroness was certainly sending out a warning; a warning Maria intended on taking seriously.
But that hadn't been the worst bit. What happened after she'd gone upstairs had truly shaken her to the core…
Maria sat for the longest time on her bed after retreating to her bedroom replaying the last half an hour in her head over and over… Dancing the Laendler with the Captain, the feeling of his gloved hand in hers and the warmth of his body pressed up against hers… the way the Captain had looked lovingly into her eyes as they almost kissed, his eyes seeking her out across a crowded room at the end of the children's performance... Nice memories that made her heart skip a beat, before the visions changed to the worst memories of the night: hearing the Captains dismissive tone and his flippant words repeating over and over: 'You can if you want to, Fraulein…' Not to mention images of the Baroness's gleaming and jealous eyes flooding her mind entirely, almost like it was burnt into her brain…
Maria gulped and shook her head, trying to rid herself of all of those nasty thoughts. Feeling very upset and confused by everything, Maria knew she had no choice but to leave the villa and return to the abbey. There she would be away from it all: there she would be safe.
Decision made, in a frenzy, Maria didn't know what to do first. Her dress was unzipped and hanging loose around her waist as she pulled her old carpet bag from the wardrobe and plonked it in the centre of her bed. She'd barely taken the first of her thick, long nightgowns off the hanger when there came a sharp knock at the door.
Maria's head whipped around to the door. "Umm… just a moment…" she called out as she tossed the nightgown into her carpet bag before dropping the bag on the floor and kicking it with her foot half under the bed in an attempt to hide it.
Another knock came at the door almost immediately, just as insistent, but before she was able to respond and make herself presentable, the door opened.
It was the Captain.
They both stood frozen to the spot: Maria next to her bed, only in her underwear and not-very-successfully clutching her fallen dress to her chest, and the Captain in the open doorway, one hand still on the doorknob, staring at her like he'd never seen a woman before in his life.
A second passed then two, and then three, before the Captain coughed then discretely tried to advert his eyes.
"Captain? Is there something you wanted?" Maria asked, feeling her face flush red with embarrassment at him walking in on her half-clothed.
"Er…" the Captain stumbled over his words. "You left the party in such a hurry, I thought I should check that you were alright… You're not ill, are you?"
"I'm fine, Captain," Maria replied more quickly and tersely than she'd meant to. "I just thought I'd get an early night…" she fumbled a weak explanation.
The Captain merely nodded as his eyes scanned the room, looking anywhere apart from Maria, until his eyes rested on the edge of her carpet bag, poking half out from underneath her bed. His eyes narrowed and he furrowed his brow, looking confused.
But instead of leaving the room, the Captain discretely closed the door behind him. "Fraulein…" he began, taking a step into the room and scratching his chin. "Are you sure you're alright?" His voice was warm and full of concern.
Maria swallowed hard as she continued to clutch the thin fabric of the dirndl dress to her chest, feeling the sweat beginning to accumulate on her hands. Her heart started to thud rapidly in her chest as he took several steps across the room to stand right before her. He was so close that she could practically feel his breath on her face.
His eyes fixed on hers and he stared at her intently, before his gaze dropped to examine the carpet bag still poking out from underneath the bed. He prodded it with his foot, moving it enough to see the hem of her nightgown spilling out of it. He frowned, like he was pondering the meaning of it, before his eyes travelled upwards to lock onto Maria's face once again.
"Fraulein?" he questioned, his rich baritone voice barely above a whisper. "What's going on here?"
Maria took a step backwards, like she was trying to avoid his presence and his scrutinising gaze. "Nothing…" she stumbled over her words. "I mean I was just sorting through a few things…"
Continuing to stare intently at her, the Captain stepped towards Maria as she took another step away from him. Again, he moved towards her as she moved backwards. This continued step-by-step until her back was pressed hard up against the wall. She was trapped, nowhere to go.
"Fraulein," the Captain spoke again, "No … Maria." He dropped the formality to call her by her first name. A shiver ran down her spine.
Suddenly he reached for her, taking her hands in his own. He had removed his gloves and Maria was instantly surprised by how warm and smooth his hands were. As his palms closed over the top of her hands, the dress that had been clutched tightly in her fingertips slipped from her grasp and fell to the floor. Without the weak shield of her garment in front of her, standing before him wearing nothing but her underwear, she felt like she may as well have been completely naked as she felt so exposed.
But his eyes never drifted downwards to look over her disrobed body. Instead, they remained locked upon hers, the intensity of his gaze remained. Her breath hitched in her throat. As he looked into her eyes, Maria felt like she'd forgotten how to breathe.
"Please Maria," he said, his voice soft and gentle. His thumb gently caressed the top of her knuckles and he leaned in close to her; so close their lips were practically touching. "I know things may feel confusing at the moment, but please don't leave. I want you to stay, I, uh… ask you to stay."
Without waiting for a response, he dropped Maria's hands and quickly pulled back, then spun on his heel and left the room.
Maria let out the breath she'd been holding. She felt rattled and shaken by her encounter with the Captain in her room. But somehow Maria was convinced that staying, at least for the moment, was the best thing. Therefore, she put her carpet bag away and got ready for bed.
Yet, sleep did not come easily to her that night…
Back in the present, Maria felt her cheeks burn at the memory of that night: the Captain's presence and close proximity to her, and the way he'd spoken to her, plus looked at her. It had been overwhelming, yet thrilling at the same time. She'd felt things when she was with him that she'd never felt before and she'd sensed he felt it too. Maria placed both palms flat onto her cheeks, her cold hands cooling her flushed skin.
But Maria was confused. She suspected after the Captain had come to her room that perhaps he had felt something more for her, that's why he'd wanted her to stay. She began to hope for something that had never quite felt possible before.
Yet, disappointingly, they'd never spoken of the incident again. Nothing had happened since.
The only clue that anything was amiss came mere days after the party. Baroness Schrader quickly and quietly packed her little bags and returned to Vienna where she belonged. Apart from a general:'she missed her life in Vienna too much, she had to leave and that's all there is to it,' excuse, no more was said about the Baroness, at least of all, not from the Captain.
The children, of course, had many things to say about the Baroness's sudden departure. Brigitta and Louisa were the worst with their ideas and theories about what really happened between their father and the Baroness, but Maria chose to close her ears to all that talk. She had her own theory, of course, but she didn't share it with the children.
Maria did, however, visit the abbey several days after the Baroness's sudden departure to seek wisdom and advice from the Reverend Mother. Maria had been quite coy about what she wanted to speak to the Mother Abbess about, but the elderly nun saw right through her, guessing instantly that Maria had fallen in love with the Captain. Maria tried to deny it, but it was no use – the fact was as clear as day.
The other thing that was plainly obvious to the Reverend Mother was that Maria was never going to be a nun. So with both pieces of information laid bare, the Reverend Mother released Maria from her commitments to the abbey as a postulant, and told her to return to the villa immediately to find out if the Captain returned her feelings and what his intentions were for certain.
With a skip in her step and feeling the most positive that she'd had since the party, Maria returned to the villa only to discover that the Captain had left for Vienna.
Crushed and deflated, all Maria wanted to do was flee. But without the abbey to go and seek refuge in, and also knowing that the children desperately needed her, Maria had no choice but to stay at the von Trapp villa indefinitely.
A week later, the Captain returned like nothing had happened. No reasons, no discussions, no explanation of why he suddenly needed to go to Vienna, or why he came back. Nothing. Then he disappeared into his study without a word.
Life continued on. Summer quickly faded into autumn and the children returned to school, yet Maria was asked to stay on with the family. With nowhere else to go, she agreed. She loved the children and they loved her and her relationship with the seven of them had deepened considerably and she couldn't bear the thought of ever leaving them. Maria had a lot of freedom to come and go as she pleased while the children were at school which allowed her time to occasionally escape to her mountain for a breath of fresh air and a song.
But she felt the weight of things that had not been said between her and the Captain.
He kept to himself during the day, even when she was at the house and any interactions they had were polite and civil – almost too polite and civil, if Maria thought about it much. Their long conversations from before the party had practically ceased and whenever they did have to speak, there was an air of tension between them. Not only that, Maria constantly felt his eyes on her as she entered a room or played with the children. It was like he was continually watching every move she made, scrutinising her. It was disconcerting and it made her nervous.
That's why she liked the quiet times of the day, like early mornings to walk around the vast grounds, breathing deeply and thinking and pondering what on earth had she'd done for him to shut her out completely and treat her with such coldness.
Yet despite everything that was happening, or not happening between them, Maria found herself falling deeper and deeper in love with the Captain every day, and she didn't know what to do. Clearly he didn't feel the same way, even if he once did. But Maria knew she had to live with the knowledge of his unrequited love and hope that one day in the future, things may change.
She needed to remember:When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window…
To be continued...