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The fine sand tickled the underside of my soles as they dragged along the particles broken off rock formations from both near and far. I wave to my family as they shout for me to stick close, to never stray too far, as I pull up my pant legs around my thighs and wade further into the calm water. The water lulled at my legs and a sense of tranquility washed over me as I stood as far as the water barely reached my pants from the shoreline. Time seemed to slow, even going into reverse as darkened clouds gathered in the sky seemingly out of nowhere. I looked up in mild confusion as the sky changed from a light blue to a blue-grey in the matter of seconds. Heavy clouds shadowed the skies and I finally peered around at my surroundings.
The waters had blackened, dark with a deep wine red hue, though too dark to suspect deoxygenated blood. I peered down at where the water rode up to my waist now. I did not recall venturing further out nor feeling the uncomfortable drag of wet clothes against skin with any sort of act. I returned back to the shoreline to find that the shore, previously as sand, were grey pebbles, each too smooth to be considered natural. I peered down at my attire only to realise how much had changed. Instead of donning a simple shirt and pants, the heavy drag of the soaked dress flopped against my calf with each pitter-patter across the smooth pebbled beach. I looked back and at the horizon is a four-vertices star, winking periodically as if to mock my current predicament of a soaked garment and confusion. There on the beach stood a tall man waiting out the front of an unassuming home at the beach front. As I looked around, I noted how desolate and isolated the beach felt. There was no warmth, no summer time breeze of quiet reprieve from the sun, and only the chill of the unknown passed through the stiff, saturated garment.
"Come now, my dear." The man opened his arms in a greeting too intimate for passing strangers.
I avoided the contact, peering around for any sign of my family, only to come back empty-handed and unsettled. Yonder the house was a void of seeming nothingness that whispered more paradoxes and questions rather than to reassure and ground.
"My dear." The man repeated, now stepping closer with the pebbles crunching under polished shoes. "Are you with me, my dear?"
With such an intimate address, one was sure to question it? No. Those were the last of my concerns as I tried to reach past the man to begin the search for a path back to my family, a path off this strange beach back to a reality that I was familiar with. Alas, my path was cut short with a simple extension of the man's arms in front of me. My eyes trailed up the arm to the man's face which was unreadable.
"My dear, please."
The plea was effective and I froze in place.
"At the very least, let me help you out of your sodden garments."
I hugged myself close, not liking the diction from the man before me. The fortified mask crumbled to reveal desperation and guilt. That was quite the surprise, not expecting any man to plead for anything. With great reluctance, I took the man's outstretched hand for stability to walk over the pebbled beach, wincing at every pressure point against the nerves underfoot. I wobbled and stumbled along, kept solely from faceplanting painfully into the rocks by the man's firm but gentle hold on my hand. It wasn't until I stood on the wooden veranda that the man let go of my hand to open the door, gesturing me invitingly into the space.
- - -
It was inconspicuous from the wooden exterior reminiscent of a cabin in the woods, however the interior was ornate of minerals lining the walls of dark reflection. A chandelier suspended above, each glass piece refracting and reflecting light in brilliant iridescence. On each table or shelf sat copper candelabras of intricate swirls seemingly unique to one another. Wax melted off the holders and pooled at the bottom, solidifying as stalagmites upon the surfaces the wax solids deposit upon. The man opened a door and nudged it wider to reveal a grand but impersonal bedroom. The floor was of spotless white titles and the walls were of a cold marble. A deep cherry wood closet dominated the wall it was pushed up against. The man excused himself out of the room with a 'help yourself' and closed the door behind with a soft click.
I stood in front of the impressive closet, opting for the first thing I could find that wasn't a dress (yet another plain tee and pants) and surprisingly, the clothes were of similar size, even the undergarments. I opened the doors when I'm done, shirt fitting looser than it should lay on top of the original owner's torso, and I heard the slightest hitch of breath across the otherwise silent room. The man slowly rose from his chair, coming over with unspoken emotions twisting and tumbling in his eyes. All I could think about was how loud the loss in his eyes were, how loud the heartbreak was to hear the crackle of glass under pressure, and how loud the storm was brewing to threaten a flood.
"I-"
Before I could comprehend the silent interruption and hesitation in my voice, I found myself in the man's arms; arms hanging awkwardly at my side as his head dipped low in a position akin to worship. The gap between his face and my shoulder was not lost on me, as if it were a boundary he had no right to cross. I awkwardly hung from his embrace, his arms circling tighter and tighter with every shake. It wasn't long before whispers filled the room, some of apology, others of sorrow and love. That was until I heard it directly at my ear.
"I'm sorry I failed you, my love."
My love...? I could only think of what this man could have possibly gone through to have uttered such broken, regretful words to a mere maiden he had just met!
"I don't think I understand what's going on..." I started off carefully.
The man pulled away and straightened, not without leaving the lingering ghost of a touch at my cheekbone as if committing the dips and curves of each contour into memory. He recollected himself, dusting off his shirt, and the once tearful eyes turned distant with not a hint of moisture that existed before. I blinked at the duality. This man was strange to say the least.
"Apologies, you look very much like my wife." The man sounded hollow, especially at the mention of his spouse. "I didn't think it would actually work."
"What would work...?" I almost parroted back if not for the confusion in my expression.
"My love, I've brought you back." His voice was now but a mere whisper, a finger reaching up tentatively to barely brush a strand of hair out of my face and behind my ear. "I'll do better, I promise, if you'd let me."
A tiny voice at the back of my mind rejected the idea but at the forefront, I was paralysed by his sincerity, by his regret, by his heartbreak, but also by the absurdity of this circumstance I have found myself in. With no understanding and no heart to reject the clear desperation wafting off of him in waves, I stiffly reached out towards him. My hand was not alone for his met mine midway in the air.
"Thank you, love." He whispered out breathlessly. "The others also missed you."
"The others...?" I dumbly repeated after him.
The man paid no attention, nor he minded at the exhibited density. In fact, he brushed it off and made his way to another set of doors, pushing it open to reveal plush cushions on velvet couches. Waiting at the side of the couch was a large dog, tail wagging and fur rippling with excitement. As the man stepped out of the way and I entered the room, I was quickly greeted by the canine. The flashes of brown fur jumped up at me and I nearly shrieked if not for the hold the man had on the canine's collar and a firm command to stay down was issued. The canine obliged but didn't seem too dejected by the strict tone, tail wagging in excitement at perhaps the sight of me. I hesitantly placed a hand on the canine's head and they simply let out a loud 'woof' before nuzzling into my hand eagerly.
"He's missed you," the man piped up from his seat though his eyes remained on me rather than his canine, "more than you realise."
I could only respond lamely with an uncertain, "I see," clearly uncomfortable and feeling out of depth being inside the home with a strange man and his non-human companion. Overhead, the small chandelier rocked and I instinctively ducked in case individual glass pieces fell from the sudden motion. The reason for the rocking soon revealed itself as a black cat unravelling from a ball-like shape. The feline stretched and meowed.
Something in me broke. It was the same meow that I longed to wake up to outside my door as part of my morning routine. Now longing for the meow was a mourning routine. I crouched to reach closer to the black cat now stretching on the floor, back arched, and tail poofy from the sudden move. The feline ignored the jealous whines from their canine co-inhabitant and nuzzled their face over my legs. I was suddenly hit with memories. Memories when my beloved child was still alive, before my beloved child was buried under a lemon tree.
"Is that you?"
I didn't need a verbal call from the feline to recognise my beloved baby. The feline pawed at my elbow and I opened my arms slightly to let the little body close, half embracing the fragile body whilst maintaining balance with the prolonged crouch. A simple meow and claws dug into my shirt and the feline climbed up onto my shoulder then wrapped a tail around my arm, contently purring despite the uncomfortable pressure the claws applied onto my skin. I was brought back to the current reality by the feeling of an intense stare that bore right through me. I slightly turned to the side to find the man reclined in the chair, his canine companion resting their head on the couch.
"Love..." the man started off as vulnerable flitted across his face, "I-I'm ashamed to admit that...I know you don't belong here and that I should let go but I wanted a second chance."
I stared at him blankly, gathering and cradling the mass of black fur against my chest. I became wary as he rose from his chair, closing the distance with sure strides.
"Love, don't look at me like you don't know me," the man continued, "I'm your husband."
I stared at him more. In silence.
Husband?
The mass imitating a void wiggled a little before settling again, a deep purring filling the room as well as the likeliness of a weight against my leg as the canine rested their head in my lap. I tolerated it before shifting to a more comfortable position, now fully accepting the dual dead weight of the non-human companions. My alleged husband stopped just where the canine's body laid half hanging off my lap. I looked away, focusing on the furry companions weighing down on my chest.
"Love, please say something." The man almost begged, though I ignored the plea and the heartbreak shattering his calm facade.
"Don't you think you're living a lie? Just because I look like her, doesn't mean I am her." I muttered as I stroked the distinct markings on the feline's forehead, some fur distinctly darker than others under oblique angles of light, the markings of uncanny resemblance to the baby I had recently lost.
"But you are!" The man practically yelled. "I've searched, and searched, and summoned all of you from different timelines, different dimensions, and different universes. My love, they are all you and you are them, all of them!"
I faltered, the argument on the tip of my tongue feeling of lead in my mouth. I did not know what to make of it so I tuned him out. I turned a deaf ear whilst feigning presence and comprehension whilst stroking the patterns mindlessly. Under breath, I sighed as the man continued to ramble in the background.
"Every lifetime I have searched for you, only to stay in this cursed place that we built together. This place holds my happiest memories but also my deepest regret." The man was now breathing heavily. "Rome may not have been built in one day, but it certainly was burnt down in one day. You mean the world to me, love."
"I'm tired." I muttered, finally done with his ranting. "Was that enough for you? Yelling at someone you consider your spouse?"
"I'm sorry." He whispered again, this time taking my hand into his and his lips brushed against my knuckles with surprising feather-like kisses despite the desperation wracking his frame before he pleaded again. "Try for me, please?"
I sighed and relented, seeing no point in arguing with a stubborn man. The non-human companions seemed to sense the fatigue. The tense quiet was enough to displace them that they slowly moved off, slinking off into a corner to rest in their respective beds tucked into a nook against the wall. My alleged husband helped me up with a tug and walked me to a shared bedroom where I anticipated a very awkward, long night.
- - -
The room was heavy with tension. The silence was deafening to the point of feeling the pressure it left loaded with unsaid intentions. I did not know why I didn't run, or reject him given the choice to. Maybe I knew somewhere deep down he didn't pose a threat to me, rather more to himself. Nevertheless, I stayed stiffly and strictly to my side of the bed. I knew he wasn't asleep judging from the shallow-ish breathing and the rustle of restless limbs against the covers. The morning was going to be a long talk it seemed.
Multiple times throughout the night, my body felt light as if it were to float off the bed. My mind hardly registered when my eyes fell shut from the heavy weight of exhaustion but they re-opened to the same light grey hues seen out of the opened window. I sat up groggily, looking around to find the other side of the bed empty. The shallow impression in the mattress was the only indication he did in fact stay the night in the same bed. Slipping out, my bare feet touched the tiles with a singeing sensation. The sensation was sharp enough to wake me up, even making me wince with every step. I exited the space, slowly making my way to the table where he sat.
"Morning love," he rasped, nursing a cup of coffee. "Sleep well?"
He pushed a mug towards me, gesturing at the seat facing him. I obliged, carefully lowering myself into the chair and daring to peer at his face. The dark circles under his eyes were telling of how little he slept but I doubted that I looked any better. The liquid in the mug sloshed around as I swirled the mug, a little habit I picked up from when dealing with sedimentation in any mixture. He watched with a small quirk on his lips, eyes growing fond yet distant at my habit. I took a careful sip, not anticipating the perfect warmth to flood past my lips and kiss my tongue with the malt-like blend of both earthy overtones and fruity undertones.
"Just how you like it, love." He commented on my slightly pleasant expression. "Though I have to duck out for work later."
I wasn't about to question where or how he'd get to work but he got up and left the room. With the mug between my fingers, I watched him gather some gear, sliding a hat on top, and he glanced back at me as he closed the front door behind. All was silent in the abode. Not a peep from any corner, not from the furry companions that also lived in this space. Soft fur brushed up against my cheek and I turned only to be met by a faceful of more fur. The purring was rather loud; the vibrations coming off the creature strong enough to rattle my bones slightly. The feline butted their head into my chin and I sat up properly to finally look down upon the creature. They meowed again before climbing my arm and wrapping themselves tightly against my arm. The claws dug into my skin but I ignored the pain that came with it, petting behind the creature's flicking ears. Even as I moved slightly, the feline continued to cling, not showing any signs of letting go. I sighed fondly at the little mass wrapped around my arm, even the fluffy tail snaked up my elbow. With nothing to do, I slowly got up, careful not to jostle the little mass attached to my arm. The claws hooked into my skin, and tears pricked my eyes from the continuous pain from the stubborn little creature.
I pushed open the only double doors in the abodes to be greeted by an excited wag and happy huffs from the canine. They sat by the couch as if they were always stationed there. I gave a few tentative pets, unsure of how to drag my fingers along the much shorter fur on the canine's head. With assistance from the canine themselves, I scratched behind their ear and continued upon hearing the happy thumps of their tail striking the floor. Eventually my fingers tired and the motions slowed to a stop. The canine perked their head at me, waiting.
I moved away, interest shifting to the now-noticed drawers of a less ornately decorated stand. A framed photo sat dead centre of the flat surface. Underneath the photo was a maroon fabric draping over the surface of the dark ash wood surface. The feline unwrapped themselves from my arm and jumped from the table down to the floor, disappearing into the shadows. An unknown force compelled me to inspect the frame and I carefully picked it up. What shocked me was the exact same person smiling and staring back at me in the photo. It did resemble me, except they smiled so brightly hanging off his arm. In the photo, he seemed to allow himself to smile, though it appeared more reserved to the splitting image of me. I placed the photo back before opening the drawers. There in the drawer was a locket and a letter. Despite the morally grey idea of rummaging through private letters, I opened it.
The handwriting... I recognised it to be my own. The same broken continuity between capital letters to the lowercase that followed, the same loop of cursive of many of the letters, even down to the same flick at the end once the continuity broke.
"To my dear,
If you are reading this, it means I have gone to a better place. I won't weigh you down longer and for that I will liberate myself from this mortal shell I deemed a prison. These past few years have blended together. I no longer feel the spark I used to. Nothing tastes as pleasant as it used to. It is time to depart for the two of us, for the better of us. I will not apologise for this for I have nothing to lose, not when you were hardly there.
Love, your dearest dove."
The letter was refolded following the creases of the parchment and I set the letter back where it was found. I opened the locket to find a small piece of coral, salt still crusted the spaces within the chain of the necklace. Somewhere in my mind, I saw it, her, wait no, my last moments. I'm back at the beach and I see her in the distance, back towards the horizon and eyes trained on me. I was paralysed. I couldn't move as I watched her back further into the water. At her neck hung silver and pearls, haunting beautiful. The pearls suspended by the silver seemed to glow, laying against her sternum motionless as the water level rose from her waist to her chest, eyes never leaving mine. The storm was not dissimilar to the storm that haunted my memories of another universe. Each second slipped away with each step further and further into the ocean.
"Wait!" I could only extend my arm out to her before she disappeared below the water line. My fingers flexed with desperation as she began to sink below the surface, though her eyes, the same as mine, were trained on me.
'Wait!" I repeated, legs regaining mobility as I splashed into the water where she was last seen. "Come back! I'm still here, we can still be here."
All I was met with was silence. The wind whipped up and my hair fell across my face, the damning silence holding more than a scream could ever utter.
"I was- I drowned." I swallowed with difficulty. "I drowned quietly and no one noticed."
What remained in my chest wasn't horror, but of a sinking realisation and resignation. I drowned. Not in this universe but somewhere in my subconscious state, I was drowning: in the swirls of emotions, in each timeline of suffering, and in each convoluted mess of each damning dimensions of myself. I couldn't breathe, not because of the tides that ebbed and flowed but because I had no anchor, no leverage to pull me up from slipping under.
"My love! Please don't do that again." He had come back, rushing to me in an instance and pulled me into his embrace.
Fear radiated out of him so strong that I couldn't help but squeeze him back, even if it was with one arm. I was silent. I couldn't spare the energy to talk to him so I let him lead me back to shore.
"Let's head inside first, yeah?" He gently hushed, though it seemed to be directed at himself rather than at me.
I sat down on the wooden chair of the open dining space. I had no mind to pay attention to the drag of wet fabric, nor the weight of his stare on me when my mind was so far elsewhere. Another mug was pushed towards me but I turned away from it, gaze trained at the hands resting in my lap. Another round of silence filled the space though it was heavy with sorrow, regret, and resignation.
"I don't think I can do this, I'm sorry. I can't do that to you, it's not fair on you, it's not fair on me." The words tumbled out by the rest of them died at the back of my throat when the unshed tears glistened in his eyes.
"It's alright, love," he started, sighing heavily to hold back the tears, " I should've known that even if you are a version of her, you can't fill in that role when you have your own in another place. They will need their little dove back. It's time for me to let go."
The heavy atmosphere hung over my head. Even my head bowed lightly, gaze glued to my heavy hands again.
"Let me hold you for one last time, my love."
I slowly raised my gaze to meet his sorrowful eyes. I nodded slightly and he crossed the room in mere strides. His arms came around and I found my face tucked against the crook of his neck. His head bowed to press a light feathered kiss into my hair. The moment lasted for a while, the heavy grief continued to stunt growth even as we grow concentrically outwards rather than follow linearity strictly. Eventually he pulled away with a fond, sad smile.
"You're just as forgiving as her." He gave one last squeeze at my shoulder before retracting his touch. "It's time for them to let go too."
I glanced down at my feet to find the warm weight of the two companions peering up at me expectantly. They knew too. Even with the last slobbering lick of my palm and even with the claws that dug into the underside of my arm. The impression of the claws were deep enough to welt up, underside marred with red streaks. The physical pain dulled with the emptiness of final goodbyes. As if out of fond spite, I ruffled both companion's ears long enough to annoy and elicit small growls from them both, though neither moved from my hand.
- - -
A door stood there. A simple threshold. I didn't look back as I opened the door and stepped through, returning to the sandy beach I was once at. It seemed forever ago that I was at these shores but my family laughing carefree brought me out of my stupor and I ran back to them, remembering to hug all of them much to their bewilderment.
"What was that for?" My mother asked as I drew back.
"Nothing."
She gave me a strange look but didn't question further, everyone gathered to head off to the car. I sat in the car seat peering out of the window at the blur of scenery gone by. My elbow leaned against the window before I caught the red welts on the underside of my arm. Yeah miss you too, you little tsundere, my little tsundere. Even if the dirt bearing down on top of you was heavy, I know how much heavier you bear your love for such a small body, but I won't dwell on it if you will always want me to let go.