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Hyunjin had been scrolling absentmindedly on his phone, trying to distract himself. He thought he was just passing time until he scrolled to the next video. Completely unaware of its content, he watched.
It was horrifying.
A person, standing on the edge of a 500-ft building, was teetering. His world seemed to tilt as Hyunjin froze in fear, his heart beating painfully in his chest, and then—the inevitable—the person fell. The sickening sound (similar to a gunshot) and the unmoving limbs engraved themselves vividly into his mind.
He dropped his phone, immediately pressing his hands to his face, shaking.
“No… no… I can’t…” he whispered to himself, his voice barely audible.
Tears welled in his eyes, hot and stinging, but he forced them back down. He couldn’t let them fall. He wouldn’t. If he did, it would feel too heavy. Too shameful. Like admitting that something he had no control over broke him.
He told himself repeatedly: don’t cry. Don’t make it real.
But every time he closed his eyes, the video replayed in his mind.
For hours, he moved through the dorm in a daze—sitting silently, staring at the wall, and not eating. His chest was tight and constricted, each breath hard. During practice, he moved mechanically, his mouth plastered with a fake smile. The other members noticed his quiet attitude and the way he seemed out of it.
By late evening, the pain had become unbearable. He found himself pacing the hallway and gripping the railing. Eventually, after 45 minutes of watching Hyunjin do this, Chan became seriously concerned. He stopped him by putting his hand on the dancer’s arm.
“Hyunjin… what’s wrong, aegi?” Chan questioned.
The younger couldn’t answer; he just shook his head, lips pressed tightly together.
I can’t. Not now. Not yet, he thought to himself.
But Chan’s eyes didn’t let him hide. The raw worry, concern, and love he saw inside were what finally broke him. His mouth turned downward as he sank to the floor and wrapped his arms around himself, broken sobs forcing their way out of his body.
And, like lightning, Chan sank down too, wrapping his arms securely around the boy.
“I-I saw something… something I shouldn’t have…” he started to explain. “It… it was a video… someone jumping… falling from a building… and I can’t get it out of my head… I can’t—” He buried his face in his hands. “I’ve been trying not to cry… really, I’ve been trying. I thought if I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt as much. But it does… it hurts so much… my chest… my head… my heart,” he choked out pathetically. “It’s like it’s breaking me from the inside… I’ve never felt anything like this…”
Chan, listening carefully with his head on the dancer’s shoulder, was in shock. He had never watched someone die on camera, so he could only imagine Hyunjin’s pain right now (and mind you, Hyunjin is known to be a really sensitive person).
“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay… you can cry… you don’t have to hold it in.”
Hyunjin shook his head violently. “No!… I can’t… I-I have to be strong! I can’t let anyone see me like this… but… but it’s too much,” he said, embarrassed by how weak he felt. “The way they just… went—gone in an instant. I keep thinking I could have done something… or just said something… but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop it.”
He lifted his rapidly drying—yet still tear-streaked—face to the others who had gathered after hearing the commotion. All of them listened intently, eyes full of care and concern just like Chan’s had been.
“I didn’t want to tell you… didn’t wanna burden you… but I can’t keep it inside anymore. It’s eating me alive. I’ve been trying to push it down and act like everything’s fine, but it’s not.” His body shook as sobs unwillingly escaped. “I hate that I’m feeling this. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate that I’m so weak! I have never felt so… so… so helpless…”
The members all felt awful, some with silent tears rolling down their cheeks.
“I can’t eat. I can’t… I can’t focus. All I see is the person falling… and I—I keep imagining their last moments. The sadness. The emptiness. The silence. And I can’t stop thinking about why… why would someone do that to themselves? It had to have hurt. I mean, I know it hurt… but… why?”
Jisung (finally SOMEONE!) reached out, brushing Hyunjin’s bangs out of his eyes.
“Hyune… you’re not weak. You are a human. A very sensitive, loving, emotional one. But this… this is too much for anyone to handle alone.”
Hyunjin whimpered, leaning into the comfort and letting his tears pour freely down his face.
“I just want it to stop hurting…” he admitted.
The room was silent except for his cries. They all sat like that for a while, quietly comforting their sobbing Hyunjin. Eventually, his body went still. He slowly looked up at them all.
Hyunjin’s eyes were red and puffy, and his throat hurt a bit, but he felt better. Taking a deep breath, he exhaled shakily.
“Thank you,” he murmured, “for listening… and comforting me.”
Content and relieved expressions crossed the members’ faces.
“Of course, aegi,” Chan finished, softly smiling at the younger boy.