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He knows there aren’t enough words to describe what he feels when he sees Tenya hiding in the back rows during the press conference regarding his father’s retirement.
There are a lot of things he could say, meaningless words that don’t capture what he really feels. Yet, they are failing him once again as he mechanically reads the words from the prompter, waiting for the questions of the reports to fill the silence in his mind.
Shoto needs to make up for many things. Things he needs to apologise for and things he can’t make right, even if he tries until he dies. Because there are things that are broken beyond repair and can’t be fixed.
But the thing with Tenya can be fixed, not temporarily, if so forever; or at least until death does them apart.
They haven’t seen each other in weeks. Weeks full of recoveries and funerals. Press conferences, hours after hours to repair the damages done by the villains and heroes alike. The chaos slowly thinned out, day by day, but while they fixed all the broken buildings and streets, people can’t be patched back together when their hearts and souls are ripped apart.
Most things are haunting him at night, when another nightmare makes him wake up screaming while all he hears is silence.
He grew up with the knowledge that things will never get better. In a home that was devoid of love and warmth, if he doesn’t count the glimpses of a little bit of happiness from his siblings and his mother. He doesn’t know what it feels like to love unconditionally.
So what he feels now towards Tenya is uncharted territory. Something he never felt before and it scares him. He can’t handle emotions he hasn’t experienced before.
Resentment and anger, hate and disappointment are things he knows.
He still feels some resentment towards his father. He probably would never get rid of it completely. But he wants to look forward to a better future. Help to rebuild the society to a more nurturing, caring place.
Tenya is different. He’s inviting, soothing, and hope. The hope that his future holds only good things, if he’s able to piece everything back together; slowly but surely.
“Todoroki-kun,” a reporter addresses him, startling him out of his thoughts. “There are rumours that the villain we call Dabi is still alive. Is this true?”
He has expected such a question and still it feels so wrong to talk about his eldest brother like this. He isn’t Dabi in his head any longer.
He’s Tōya.
A boy who’s been wronged by their father all the same.
A boy that also loves Soba.
Like him.
He clears his throat to start speaking but his father beats him to this, anger glaring in his eyes.
“His name is Tōya. He’s my son. And that’s all that we have to say.”
Shoto gulps, preparing for an onslaught of questions but the reporter sits down, eyes wide and just nods.
He knows how she feels. He has been at the end of his father’s harsh tone many, many times. But this time it’s justified.
The public doesn’t need to know more about their family than they already do. That Tōya is slowly dying, alone, is hard enough. I didn’t have to come to this. He wishes he could’ve saved him sooner.
He knows he couldn’t have done anything differently. He didn’t know about his brother until last year. He wasn’t even old enough to remember him.
Still it hurts all the same. Even more so when his eyes catch Tenya’s face, brows furrowed.
“Are there any more questions?” their public relations manager asks, daring anyone to speak.
A man raises up. “Will you take over as the number one hero, Todoroki-kun?”
He sees Tenya shifting his posture. Instead of leaning back on the wall behind him, he leans forward, supporting himself on his crutches. There’s the ghost of a smile on his face. Like most of them he has stayed in the hospital for some time. His injuries were even worse because he went beyond his body’s restrictions.
That’s another thing that Shoto has to apologise for. Once he’s done with this godforsaken press conference.
“I’m still a student,” he answers the ridiculous question. “I’ll be helping as much as I can during my free time but first I want to graduate and earn my Hero Licence.”
He looks to his father who nods. “And there are a lot of capable heroes in my father’s agency who can take over. So I am not planning to do so after my graduation.”
Several shocked gasps are travelling through the room as he says this. He raises from his chair. “If you excuse me. I think I don’t have anything more to say.”
He doesn’t wait for anyone’s approval as he walks to the back, passing Tenya, who immediately follows him out of the room.
It’s time to set things right.
Tenya understands what Shoto is going through. More than anyone else.
Like him he has a family name to hold up to, to fulfil certain expectations, and most of all a legacy he couldn’t lay to rest, even if he wanted to.
A name is nothing you can shed off so easily.
Maybe that’s why he gave Shoto all the time he needed to take care of his family affairs. Time to say goodbye to his brother. Working through the motions.
Tenya understands and tries not to be hurt.
But he also is human. And feelings aren’t rational.
So maybe the radio silence hurt him a bit.
It wasn’t as if he had waited by the phone to get a call. He has been busy sleeping and visiting his friends, once he was allowed to move around.
His legs still felt a bit wobbly and he couldn’t walk more than one hour straight but it gets better with each day.
Shoto matches his pace as they walk through the building of Endeavor’s agency, not rushing but definitely walking with a purpose.
“Here,” Shoto says eventually and opens the door to a room at the end of the hall.
The room has a plush sofa which Tenya sinks into once he reaches it, Shoto sits down on one of the two armchairs. There isn’t much else in the room. It looks like it hasn’t been used in a long time. Dust has settled on every surface.
After looking around his eyes rest on Shoto’s face which is about to crumble. It hurts Tenya to see Shoto like this. Again so sad, the picture of a young boy who just needs a hug. He wants to reach out, touch him but the distance between them is too big to reach with his arm. Instead he gives him a sympathetic look.
“I’m sorry,” Shoto presses out, followed by some tears. “I didn’t check on you. I was so busy with myself…and you risked your life to help me…”
His voice breaks. “You are hurt because of me. You deserve the title number one hero more than I ever would and yet you’re so humble…I am so sorry, Tenya.”
His name is so soft on his tongue that everything inside him breaks apart. Only he can make his name sound like something sacred and precious. As if he’s afraid to hurt Tenya. But Shoto never could.
“What are you sorry for, Shoto?” he asks gently as Shoto hides his face behind his hands. His body is shaking visibly and he’s hunched over now, trying so hard to hold it together.
“For not speaking to you.” he says a tad too loud. “It’s just too much right now. So much I have to think about and take care of…”
“Shoto…”, he whispers. “Come here please.”
And then Shoto is in his arms, wetting his shirt with his tears, a boy full of anger and grief and hurt just like him, traumatised by things that nobody should bear at such a young age. His own eyes escape a few tears as he realises that it’s finally over, that it’s thanks to them this nightmare ended. There may be a lot of pieces they need to pick up and glue them back together, some probably irrevocably lost, but they are alive and breathing.
They stay in each other’s arms for a long time, so long that the room slowly is shrouded in darkness; the darkness he never fears with Shoto. In Shoto’s arms he’s safe, always has been and will be. Whatever may come out of this.
Just when Tenya thinks Shoto has fallen asleep, he feels movement under his fingers. Tenya meets Shoto’s eyes, so clear in the dark and his breath hitches.
Beauty has never been something he cherishes in people. Objectively he is able to tell if someone is attractive but Tenya never applied these to the people he falls in love with. When he has fallen in love with Todoroki Shoto it has been because of his character, of his deep love that is buried deep under all the emotional burdens he has carried since his childhood.
However, right now, as their eyes meet, Tenya can marvel at this boy, who makes his heart beat up to his throat.
One of Shoto’s hands touches his cheek and then brushes a stray tear away. Goosebumps spread over his body and his heart starts beating faster when Shoto closes the distance between their lips.
Every touch of their lips, every movement of Shoto’s tongue in his mouth, the push and pull, so gentle and reverent breaks the last walls of Tenyal. He answers Shoto’s whispered “I am sorry” with “I forgive you”, barely able to catch a breath as his need to crawl under Shoto’s skin grows stronger.
He knows this apology is just the start. One of the many pieces that will heal him.
But Shoto is exactly what he needs to mend his heart.
The heart that only beats for him.