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Jared stands alone at the bar and taps out a rhythm on the top of it. The music isn’t as loud here now as it will be later on. He can still hear himself think. And that’s not really a good option for him at this point.
Jensen has been gone for five days. Five. With nothing from him. No phone call, voicemail, text message, smoke signal. Nothing! He said they needed some space. What a euphemism! What that translates to is “we’re over, but I gotta figure out how to tell you.” Jared shakes his head and then rests his chin on his chest.
“Hey, Jare!” the bartender says, tapping Jared on the shoulder. “What’ll you have?”
“Shiner.” Jared responds looking up to greet the friendly eyes in front of him.
“Comin’ right up!” As the bartender briefly walks away, Jared tries to get himself back to a state of numbness. When Mike returns with his beer, Jared tries to smile. He’s afraid it comes out more as a grimace because Mike asks, “Dude, who shot your dog?”
“What?” Jared asks, surprised by the question.
“You look sad. Like someone shot your dog.” Mike replies. “What’s going on? Where’s Jen?”
“Oh!” Jared tries to laugh it off. “Nothing’s wrong, man! Jensen is on a business trip. I guess I just miss him is all.”
“Gotcha!” Mike replies. “If you need to talk…”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jared waves him off. “I’m good.”
Mike wanders off to help some other lonely sod, and Jared is left to his own devices. He turns to face the rest of the room. It’s pretty empty still. Things will begin to get more exciting in a little while. It’s Friday night after all. This place will be hopping soon.
Of course, since he and Jensen are regulars here, there will more than likely be a lot of questions about where he is. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Jared just wanted to get away from the house to take a break from all the emptiness there. Now, he’s just facing all the emptiness and lack of Jensen here as well.
As he pulls his phone out of his pocket, trying to decide what to do, it vibrates to indicate an incoming text. He looks at the screen to see Jensen’s name pop up. With a mixture of anxiety and excitement, he opens the message.
Jen: Hey!
Jare: Hey back!
Jen: You at home?
Jare: No. At Vinnie’s. Needed some change of scenery. Y’know? Friday night and all that.
Jen: Gotcha. Guess you can’t talk there?
Jare: I can. Let me go outside to hear better.
Jen: No, that’s okay. I’ll catch you later.
Jare: Um. Okay. I’ll be home in about an hour.
After getting no reply, Jared’s mood drops even lower. That didn’t sound so good. He wants to talk, but wouldn’t say why and didn’t want to talk now.
What have I done? Jared thinks. He blinks his eyes trying to dispel the tears that are forming there. Could it really be over for them? After everything they’ve been through? What the hell did I do?
When Jared is just starting his second beer and the bar has become a bit rowdier, he feels someone at his shoulder. He’s been sitting alone at the bar since his arrival with no drive to talk or interact with anyone but Mike. He tries to ignore the presence behind him, but knows that person is going to speak.
“This stool taken?” the person says.
Jared’s spine jolts at the sound of that voice, and he sits up a little straighter. He waves his hand at the stool without turning around and says, “Be my guest.”
The man that belongs to that voice slides onto the barstool gracefully. He holds up one finger to Mike after he catches the bartender’s eye, and then he sits quietly beside Jared. Mike walks over with a scotch and sets it down on the bar in front of the man. Mike nods and walks away.
“You come here often?” the man asks Jared.
“Really?” Jared sighs, shaking his head. “That’s what you wanna say to me? ‘You come here often?’”
“Okay.” The man returns. “I was gonna ask if I could buy you a drink, but you already have one.”
“Yes, I do.” Jared states. “That is the answer to both of those issues.”
“I see.” The man replies. “How about this? Are you here alone?”
Jared nods. He still has not made eye contact with the man, preferring to keep his eyes on the bar.
“On purpose?” the man asks.
Jared turns to face the man. Anger flashes behind his hazel eyes. “If you must know. Yes, I’m here alone on purpose. My partner decided that we needed space, so he left me. I’ve been moving through my life this week trying to figure out what the hell I did, and tonight I just couldn’t be at home anymore. Everywhere I look all I can see is emptiness. I had to get out! So, I’m here tonight, alone, faced with more emptiness that I can’t understand.”
The man beside him looked down and then away from Jared. “Sorry. Do you want me to leave?”
“No.” Jared replied. “Do what you want! I’m sure you will anyway.” He crossed his arms on the bar’s surface, and then laid his forehead on his arms. He told himself that he wasn’t going to cry. He felt the man place one hand gently on his shoulder, fingers curling over toward his chest.
“Any man…any person who would walk away from you is an idiot.” The man beside him said softly. “Listen, your partner is an idiot. You are amazing.”
Jared scoffed in response, but he lifted his head and took a drink from his beer. He shook his head and turned to face the man again. “If that’s true, why did he leave me?”
“Are you sure he left you?” the man asked.
“Pretty sure. When the man you love more than life itself looks you dead in the face and says ‘we need some space,’ and then proceeds to pack a very large suitcase and walk out the door without saying where he’s going or when he’ll be back, or pretty much anything else for that matter, I’d say he left.”
“Total idiot.” The man replies. He smiles a crooked smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “The man should be shot. Or hogtied. Or hogtied and then shot.”
“Whatever!” Jared responds moving his beer to his mouth again for another drink. “Listen, do you have a point here? Or are you just screwing with me?”
“Well…” the man begins. “When I walked over here, I was hoping that I could take you home with me. Now, I see that some clueless bastard has truly broken your heart. I think…what I would like to do now is just talk to you for a little bit. I have a story I want to tell you.”
Jared shakes his head. “I gotta hand it to you. You are persistent tonight.”
The man shrugs, finishes his scotch, and then signals to Mike for two beers to be brought over. “Would you like to move to a table? Or do you want to stay here?”
“Who says I want to hear your story at all?”
“Okay. There’s that.” The man drops his chin to his chest. “It might make you feel better.”
“Yeah? You think so?” Jared’s voice was laced with bitterness. “Whatever, dude. Just don’t assume that you are gonna make me all better by telling me a story.”
The man nodded sadly. “I hear you.” He stood up and indicated that he was going to the bathroom, but would be right back. “Will you wait for me?”
“Sure. Why not?” Jared replied without emotion or true acceptance of the offer.
The man looked him in the eyes for just a moment and then turned and headed to the restroom. Mike walked over with the two beers. When he caught Jared’s eyes, he smiled sadly, patted Jared on the hand, and then walked away. Jared rubbed his eyes with one hand and then slumped back to the bar’s surface. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He dug it out and looked at the screen. Jensen.
Jen: Have you left yet?
Jare: No. Still here.
Jen: I thought you were going home.
Jare. Nope. Still here.
Jen: Can I talk to you?
Jare: I guess so.
Jen: I’m sorry.
Jare: Is this you talking to me?
Jen: No. I want to talk to you. But I needed to say I’m sorry first.
Jare: Okay. You said it. Now tell me why. I’m in the dark here.
Jen: I know. I’m trying.
Jare: Whatever.
Jen: Soon, Jare. I’m trying. I’m freaking out.
Jare: Welcome to the club. Been here all week.
Jen: Damnit!
When Jared doesn’t get anything else, he puts his phone back in his pocket and turns back to his beer. Resting his elbow on the bar, he places his forehead in his hand and shakes his head a little bit. What a weird night!
Jared slaps his palms down on the bar. Well, he thinks, enough is enough. I’m out of here. He stands up, deciding he’s just gonna go ahead and leave the man’s beers on the bar and walk away, then he hears it.
The sky is crying
Can’t you see the tears roll down the street?
Jared’s knees weaken, and he slowly sits back down on the stool. He covers his eyes and listens.
I saw my baby early one morning
She was walking on down the street
You know it hurt me, hurt me so bad, yeah
Made my poor heart skip a beat
Jared’s shoulders hunch forward, and he rests his elbows on the bar again. The music continues to wash over him. Stevie Ray’s voice slides through his body and pulls on the tender spots that Jared has been trying so desperately to ignore for the last five days (granted it wasn’t successful). Now, it all washes over him, and the tears begin to fall. He feels so broken and alone. How in the hell is he going to get through this?
I’ve got a real, real bad feelin’
That my baby, she don’t love me no more
I’ve got a real, real bad feelin’
That my baby don’t love me no more
You know the sky, the sky’s been cryin’, yeah
Can you see the tears run down my nose?
He feels the man’s presence behind him again. Jared takes a deep breath, wipes his eyes carefully, and lifts his chin. His eyes still cast down to the bar, he reaches for his beer again. The man eases back onto the stool beside him, reaches for his own beer, and takes a big drink.
“Okay,” he begins. “May I tell you my story?”
Jared nods without lifting his eyes. He wraps his hands around the new beer glass and waits.
“I’ll give you the short version.” He clears his throat nervously, then sighs. “Fifteen years ago, I met this guy. We were great friends right from the get go, y’know? We had a lot in common. I could talk to him about anything. We spent lots of time together because of our jobs, and we really enjoyed each other’s company. When we met, he was dating this girl, engaged to be married. He was so young at the time. At least in my opinion. But I didn’t say anything about it. While they were still together, I met a girl and she and I started dating. She was beautiful and brilliant. We had a great time together. But I wasn’t sure she was the one. Well, my friend and his fiancé broke it off. I was heartbroken for him. But I began to realize something about myself. I was confused and conflicted because I began to realize that I was in love with my best friend. Before I could truly process that and what it meant though, he told me and the rest of our friends that he was seeing someone new. I was heartbroken again. Before I knew what was truly happening, he was engaged again. And then I was too. The woman that I was going to marry was truly a wonderful and amazing person, but I couldn’t fully commit to her. I was in love with someone else.
“Well, I was scared. Terrified. Here I was about to marry a woman when I was in love, for the first time in my godforsaken life, with a man. I’m from Texas. I’m from a religious family. Yes, we have people in our family who are gay, but that wasn’t me! That wasn’t how I identified myself. And my friend was so in love with his girl. I mean he just glowed. He was happy, and so incredibly beautiful! I couldn’t let him down. So after he got married to his girl, I got married to mine. I tried to let him go. I tried my damnedest to be happy. I convinced myself that I was. I tried to convince myself that he was my best friend, we were together all the time, and that was enough. I would be happy with the life I had made for myself.
“Then my wife and I had a daughter. I love that little girl, and I’m so glad that she is part of my world. My friend also had children with his wife. They had two boys. Our families meshed together to make one big family. Our wives were best friends. It was perfect. Until it wasn’t anymore.”
Jared sniffled. He had been listening so intently. Listening to this story and this viewpoint of his own life. He looked up into Jensen’s eyes, and said “I know this part.”
“Let me finish telling it.”
“Okay. Go ahead.”
“Okay.” Jensen gathered his thoughts, cleared his throat and then continued. “Several years have passed. We’ve both been very busy with work and life and stuff. We spend more time with each other than we do with our wives and kids because of the work that we do. I continued to try and push down my love for this wonderful man. Or at least I thought I had. One day when we were home with the kids, when our wives were gone for a spa weekend, my best friend and I were playing in the pool with our kids. I looked around myself and realized that this was what I wanted. Our life, our kids. Me and him. Just us. I couldn’t breathe for a minute. We figured out later that I had a full-blown panic attack that day. I felt like I was drowning, but my head was above the water. My entire body got numb, and I couldn’t see anymore. It was like I was outside my body and couldn’t control it. It was scary as hell. My best friend, the love of my life, pulled me out of the pool and got help for me. He thought I was having a heart attack.”
Jared shuddered as the memory of that day washed over him. He thought he was losing Jensen that day, and it freaked him right the hell out.
“Anyway,” Jensen continued. “When the girls got back, I sat my wife down. I told her that I wasn’t sure I could continue living like I had been. That I wasn’t content with myself. I asked her if we could take a break. I told her that I still loved her, but I thought that I had never been in love with her. She was devastated. She tried valiantly to hold it together, but the tears came. She asked if there was anything she could do to help repair the situation. I told her I didn’t think so, but I wanted to take some time for myself and see what I could come up with. She agreed. I left. I filed for a separation within the week.
“Within two days of my leaving, my best friend found me. He told me that he was scared for me. He was worried that I would try to do something harmful to myself. I tried to tell him no. I tried to explain what was happening without telling him what was happening.” Jensen grinned. “I didn’t want to mess up his marriage, too. I wanted him to be happy with his life. I just knew that I couldn’t be happy with the one I had chosen. I needed to move on somehow. Really and truly let him go, so he could be happy.
“That’s when he told me.” Jensen stopped and looked into Jared’s eyes. “Always the brave one, he told me that he couldn’t live without me. That my panic attack/heart attack had freaked him out and made him realize that he was in love with me. That he wanted to be with me. He told me that his marriage hadn’t been well for a while, that he and his wife had been trying to work on a few things, but before that day by the pool he hadn’t been able to figure out why they were having trouble. That on that day he realized that he had been comparing his wife to me, and she kept losing. That he had been afraid to talk about it to anyone. Especially me. He didn’t want what was happening with him and his wife to influence what was happening with me and mine. I remember laughing at him. I remember telling him that he had no chance to break what was already in the process of breaking.
“I thought that during that process of revelation, I had told him that I was in love with him, too. I look back now and I realize that I never said it. So many missed opportunities. All of those years…”
Jared drops his eyes again. The story was nice, but it didn’t explain anything he didn’t already know or hadn’t already guessed. What he needed to know, what he needed to have explained to him, was what had happened recently to cause the split that he had been suffering from over the last five days.
“Jensen,” he sighed. “I know all of this. What’s the point of this? You walked out on me. You left me. Why are you telling me this story now if you don’t want to be with me anymore?”
“Is that what you’re getting out of this?” Jensen asked, pained. “No, baby. No!”
“Then what are you trying to say?” Jared begged. “Please, I’m miserable. I’ve been miserable since Sunday. You walked away from me without telling me anything. You left me!”
“Oh God!” Jensen moaned. “This is not at all what I wanted to happen. I’m an idiot! Remember I said that any person who could walk away from you was an idiot? Yeah, me!”
Jared looked away and felt the tears slide down his face. “What the hell is going on, Jensen? Please just tell me.”
“Let me start where I left off?” Jensen asked. When Jared shrugged, Jensen continued. “My best friend and his wife had already been discussing a separation, much to my surprise. Very tight-lipped that one. Anyway. He had been looking into buying a quaint little house on the outskirts of Austin to move to. That way he could be close to the families, but have his own space. When he found out about my separation from my wife, he offered to let me live with him. His divorce went through very quickly. It was uncontested. Both parties realized it wasn’t working anymore, so they were very mature about things and got on with it.
“My friend got his house. After he was there for about four months, he asked if I wanted to move in with him. I had been staying in a hotel downtown, but I hated it. No real space. He offered me a room and access to the rest of the house. We had not pursued anything between us. I think we both needed to regroup and process everything. We were still very close and talked and hung out like usual. It was awesome! Just me and him. We didn’t pursue anything until his divorce was finalized.”
“Dude. Again.” Jared interrupted. “I know this part. Move forward.”
“Just wait, please.” Jensen responded. When Jared nodded, he continued once again. “I was still in legal separation from my wife. She still didn’t want a divorce. She was fighting me on it. I couldn’t tell anyone anything about my relationship with my friend. I was worried about how it would look. I was afraid that my wife would be even more difficult to the process. Finally, after a six-month separation, I filed for a divorce. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be free to move on with my life. My wife was still fighting it. She wouldn’t sign the paperwork.”
“Yeah, and two months after putting in the paperwork for a divorce from your wife, you and your friend consummated your relationship. At that point, for him there was no going back. I know, I know. Get on with it!” Jared rumbled.
“Okay, here goes.” Jensen stated. He cleared his throat. “Jared, when I left on Sunday, I went to see Dani and JJ. I’ve spent three out of the last five days with her.”
“Oh God!” Jared moaned, putting his face in his hands again. “This is it. You are leaving me. You’re going back to her, aren’t you?”
“No! No, no, no! Baby, no!” Jensen rushed. “Jared, look at me! Please! Please!”
Jared shook his head and stood up. He tried to walk past Jensen muttering about the need he had to get the “hell away from here,” but Jensen stopped him. When Jared opened his eyes, Jensen was standing in front of him with tears rolling down his face. Jensen’s hands were around Jared’s forearms desperately trying to keep him from walking away.
“Please, Jared!” Jensen begged. “Please, let me finish. Please!”
“Jensen, I can’t do this. Not here. Not now. I’m tired. I’ve had a crappy week. You’re just gonna break my heart. I can’t handle this.” Jared tried to remove Jensen’s hands from his arms.
“The divorce is final.” Jensen said.
Jared’s eyes snapped open. “What?”
“The divorce is final. We finalized it on Wednesday.” Jensen sighed. “I told her everything. She knows it all. She knows that I’m in love with you and have been for the last fifteen years. She knows that we’ve been not only living together for the last year but intimately involved for the last eight months. She knows that I intend to spend the rest of my life with you if you will let me.”
Jared’s knees gave out. If Jensen hadn’t been holding onto his arms, he would have hit the floor. As it was, they had quite the struggle to get him lowered back onto his stool.
“I don’t know what to say.” Jared reached a shaking hand to his beer. “What am I supposed to say?”
“I don’t know.” Jensen replied tearfully. “Before I fucked this all up, I was hoping that you would say that you were thrilled and that you loved me and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, too.” He paused and looked away sadly. “Now, I’d be happy if you just looked me in the eyes.”
Jared ran his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. So many thoughts were running through his head. He couldn’t get a handle on any of them. Where to start?
“Please tell me what happened between Friday when we were so happy and Sunday when you walked out the door. Please tell me what happened between Sunday when you left and tonight when you sent me that first text after five days of not telling me shit.” Jared whispered. “I need to understand what the hell is going on.”
“Okay, story continues.” Jensen tried for humor. Jared just kept staring into the distance. “Friday night, one week ago, I took my best friend and the love of my life out to dinner at our favorite restaurant downtown. He ordered the steak with the garlic mashed potatoes and a salad, and I had the chicken with the goat cheese and the sun-dried tomatoes, the steamed veggies and a baked potato. It was one of the best meals of my life. Not because the food was so awesome, which it was, but because I was looking into the face of the most beautiful person in existence. And that person loved me! I could see it in his eyes. I could hear it in his laughter. I felt it when he reached across the table and took my hand.
“I took that man home and made love to him. I poured everything I had into that night with him. It’s something I will never forget. I didn’t think I could ever be happier. I wanted to share that love with the world.
“When I woke up the next morning, I was still floating. I decided to get an early start on the Saturday routine. He was still curled into his normal sleeping position and looked so incredibly adorable that I decided to let him sleep. I gave him a kiss on the side of his mouth and went for a run. As I was running, I realized that even though I wanted so desperately to share my love for this man with the world, I couldn’t. Not because I was afraid or because society wouldn’t accept me or any of that bullshit. It was because there were people in my life who needed to know first. I also needed to be sure of a few legal things that I’ll get to in a minute. Instead of my run clearing my head the way it usually does, it only got me bogged down and terrified. I needed to make a clear path for myself before I could truly give you, uh him, everything I wanted to give him.
“I started making plans. You know how I get when I climb inside my head like that. I got distant with him. I see that now. I pulled away even though he was the one person in the entire world that I wanted to crawl inside and stay forever. I apologize to him for that. I don’t want to do that to him ever again.
“I made a few phone calls, set up a few meetings, tried to put the proper plan in motion. The one thing I never did was to tell the most important person in the world that everything I was doing was with the intention of making our life together more open and more perfect than it had been. Again, idiot!
“On Sunday, I got up early, packed a bag, and made sure that everything was in order. When he got up that morning, looking at me like I had just kicked him, I freaked out. What if I was doing the wrong thing? What if he didn’t want what I wanted? What if I was making a fool of myself? I wasn’t going to back down, but I was slowly unravelling. When he asked me what was going on, I said the most horrible sentence I think I have ever spoken in my life. I said, and I quote, ‘I need some space.’ And then I walked out. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know what stupidity jumped into my head in that moment, but that’s what I said. And then I got in my car, and I drove away.
“By the time I got to the end of the street, I realized what I had done. I wanted to turn back around and fix it, but I was so scared. I didn’t know what I would walk back in to, and I knew that I needed to keep moving forward to figure things out. My second biggest regret for this week is not calling him or texting him at all during the week. I was so focused on setting things right that I forget to set things right.
“I drove straight to Dani’s house. When I got there, she asked what was happening. I told her that I would like to have a family evening with her and JJ and that we could talk about things when JJ went to school on Monday. We had dinner, watched a movie, I put JJ to bed. Then I went straight to the guest room and went to bed. I was exhausted.
“The next morning, I got up, helped JJ get ready for school, went for a jog and then walked into a shit storm with Dani. She went off on me. How could I just walk back into their lives? What was I thinking? Did I think that she would just pick right back up with me where we left off? Etc. etc. I sat her down and got her to calm down. Then we talked. I told her that I wanted her to sign the paperwork to finalize the divorce. I had already set up a meeting with the lawyer for Wednesday morning. Then I told her about me and my man. I told her that I was so in love with him that I couldn’t see straight when he smiled at me. I told her that we had been living together for the last year and intimate with each other for the past 8 months. She cried, she yelled, she hit me. Well, she smacked me on the arm. Then she stormed out.
“When she got home, I had cleaned the house from top to bottom. You know how I am. JJ was due home in twenty minutes, so she said we needed to continue our discussion, but it would have to wait until after JJ went to bed or until the next day. We did, however, decide what we wanted to tell JJ. When she got home, we told her that we had decided to finalize the divorce. That I would still be a big part of her life just like I had been since the separation began. That I was still her father, but that I would just continue living somewhere else. JJ was fine with it. She’s a great kid.
“On Tuesday morning, it was the same routine as Monday. I got up, helped JJ get ready for school, took my run. When I got back to the house, Dani had two cups of coffee sitting on the table. We sat down and talked. Really talked. For the first time in years. It was amazing. She told me that she still cared about me and wanted what was best for me. She said that she knew that I had never really loved her the way she wanted me to, but she could never figure out why. She said she felt stupid when I told her about me and my man because she should have seen it. She knew that what he and I have is rare and beautiful. She had never seen two people so devoted to one another. She said she guesses she always knew but didn’t want to face it. She told me that she hopes nothing but the best for us. It was a good talk.
“The next day, we signed the paperwork. As soon as everything was final, I headed up to Dallas to talk to my parents.”
Jared winced at that. He looked out of the side of his eye at Jensen. He took another drink and nodded for Jensen to continue. After Jensen took his own drink, he did.
“I had already called and told them I was on my way. They knew I had something to talk to them about, but I hadn’t prepared them for it. The first thing I told them was that Dani and I had finalized the divorce and that the ending was amicable. I told them that I had full visitation rights with JJ, and so did they. There were no restrictions put on anything. Dani still loves them just as much as she ever did. Then I said I had more news for them.” Jensen took a deep breath and scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Are you ready for this part?”
Jared took a deep breath and nodded.
“I sat them down in the living room on the sofa. I was sitting in the high-back chair by the hallway door.”
“You blocked them in so they couldn’t get away” Jared laughed.
“Yeah. I admit it.” Jensen said sheepishly. “I wanted a captive audience.” He rubbed his neck again. “It turns out I didn’t need to. I said ‘Mom, Dad, I have something important to tell you.’ My dad laughed and said, ‘You and Jared are together.’ My jaw dropped.”
Jared gasped. His hand flew to his mouth and his eyes to Jensen’s face. “What?”
“Yeah, man.” Jensen grinned and shrugged. “He just popped that right out.”
“Oh my God!” Jared said. “Then what happened?”
“My mom got up and made me stand up. She gave me an enormous hug and said ‘thank you for finally trusting us enough to tell us.’ Can you believe that?”
“No way!” Jared laughed again. “That’s amazing!”
“I know!” Jensen laughed again. “I couldn’t believe it. My dad stood up and shook my hand. Then he laughed and hugged me too. He said that they both just wanted to see me happy, and they knew that you made me happier than they had ever seen me. They love you and can’t wait to see you by the way.
“I spent the evening with them, and then headed to my agent’s the next day. Now here comes another tricky part.” Jensen paused. He took a big slug of beer and then turned to face Jared head on. “I need to know where we stand before I proceed with this next part. I’m not asking for promises of forever. I know that I screwed up here. I can’t remember your face from earlier and not know that. I have some stuff to make up for here. But I need to know…do you want us, this, to continue in some form?”
Jared looked away and then straight down at the floor. He thought about how happy Jensen made him when they were truly on the same page and how miserable he had been over the last few days. He thought about everything Jensen had done over those same few days and how amazing all of that was. He raised his eyes to look directly into Jensen’s gorgeous green eyes and said, “Yes, I want us to continue in some form.”
Jensen breathed a loud sigh of relief. “Thank you, Jared. Thank you.” He quickly wiped his eyes and then began to speak again. “I talked to my agent about our contracts with the show and the network. Remember how weird things were when you first made your intentions clear that you wanted to date Gen? She was working on the show and they got weird about that?”
Jared nodded that he remembered. There was a strange, faraway look in his eyes for a second. Then he rubbed his hands on his jeans quickly and nodded for Jensen to continue.
“Well, I wanted to know if there were any clauses in our contracts that stated that fraternization between coworkers was in any way a hindrance to the contract or continuation of the show. Or my continued employment on the show. There aren’t any. In my contract or yours. I didn’t state that we were together. I was just asking general questions. I wanted to be sure where we were before I got too deep, but I wanted to know if there were any considerations along those lines. We’re clear.”
“What are you saying?” Jared asked, confusion showing on his face.
“I don’t want to hide anything from anyone.” Jensen smiled at Jared. “I don’t want to sky-write it or make any sort of formal press release or anything like that. Unless you want to, that is. I feel that what we have is private. Just between us. But I don’t want to have to hide it either. I want to be able to kiss you when if feel like it. I wanna hold your hand and hug you on set. For the past year, I have been the happiest man in the world. Every day that I wake up next to you is a blessing. And I want to be able to show it. I love you with everything that I am. I’m in love with you and have been since the very first time I laid eyes on you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. And I don’t want to have to hide it like it’s some sort of dirty secret. I want the people who are important to us to know.”
“Wow!” Jared whispered. “Um. I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Oh.” Jensen replied. The smile fell from his face and his eyes fell to the floor.
“Hey!” Jared starts. He put his fingers under Jensen’s chin and gently lifted until their eyes met. “I’m a little overwhelmed here. Give me a minute.”
Jensen nodded. “Okay. Yeah.”
“I mean, you can’t expect me to just jump up and down with joy here.” Jared starts. “I’ve been miserable, miserable, for the last five days. I thought you were done with me. I thought you had finally come to your senses and realized that you didn’t want me after all. Now, here you are telling me that you want to spend the rest of your life with me and you want everyone we care about to know? And by the way, if that was the short version, I’d hate to hear the long version of that story.
“I mean, geez Jensen! Friday night was absolute perfection! I thought that was it! I thought you had finally figured it all out and that we were good. And then Saturday you hardly spoke two sentences to me all day long, and then Sunday you walked away. I thought you freaked out and ran away from me never to return. I mean, come on! I know you just explained all of that, but come one! ‘I need space.’ Really, man?
“I didn’t even hear from you until tonight! Not a peep! I’ve spent five days not knowing that all of this amazing stuff was happening.” Jared took a deep breath and sagged a bit on his stool. “So now I get to tell you what I’ve done for the past five days, yeah?”
“Yeah, okay.” Jensen responds hesitatingly.
“So Friday night was absolute bliss. Cloud nine! Life doesn’t get any better. The man I love, loves me, too. Yay, team! Then Saturday I get up and I’m alone. When you do come home, you lock yourself in your office and don’t talk to me at all. My stomach was in knots all day. I thought I had done something wrong. I moped all day. Did you notice? No. Did you reach out to me? No. When I tried to reach out to you, you shut me down. I thought, ‘okay, he’s having a bad day. I’ll let it go.’ Then on Sunday…
“So after you leave, what do I do? I don’t know what to do. I’m paralyzed. My brain isn’t working. My body isn’t working. I climb back into bed and stay there for the rest of the day. I didn’t eat, I hardly drank anything. I laid there replaying Friday night over and over again, trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I was so lost. Finally, I faded into sleep around three a.m. Monday I was hoping that you would call me. Let me know something, anything. I got nothing. I spent all of Monday in my pajamas. Moping. I called the psychiatrist to schedule an appointment for Tuesday, but that was the only interaction I had with anyone.”
“Jared!” Jensen yelped. “Oh God!”
“So Tuesday, I got up. I took a shower. After not having had one since Saturday. My whole body hurt, but I was determined that I would get through it. I made it to my appointment. When the doctor asked what was going on, I broke down. I cried for fifteen minutes. She just sat there, holding my hand, trying to get me to calm down enough that she could understand what was going on. She eventually had to give me a shot to get me to relax. Nothing strong! Just some vitamins. Then I was able to fill her in on everything. She held me again while I cried a little bit more. She asked if I had anyone I could talk to other than her. I told her no. She asked me if I could talk with my parents. I told her that they knew I had been dating a same sex partner, but they didn’t know who it was. I wasn’t ready to reveal that to them yet. She asked about Gen. I said I didn’t know. She said to give it a try. We were still friends, right?
“So when she felt like I wasn’t a threat to myself,” Jensen gasped at that realization, “she walked me out. I drove straight to see Gen. She was home, the boys were at school. I sat her down and we talked. She was great. Because she had been with me through some of the worst of the depression, just like you were, she was instantly aware of where I was. She held my hand and let me talk. We cleared the air about some stuff. She told me that even though we were divorced, she would always be there for me. She still wanted to be my friend. That above everything else, she felt like we could always be friends. She wanted us to keep communication open. I should feel free to tell her what I needed.
“When I told her that you and I were together, she said she had already figured that out. When I told her that you walked out on me, she told me that you were an idiot and that you would be back. She said that she could see the level of love you had for me long before I could. She said that what you and I have is the stuff of legends. I laughed at her. I told her she was crazy and that you wouldn’t be back. That you walked out on me without an explanation. She said, and I quote, ‘Aw honey! He just doesn’t understand himself. He’ll be back.’
“I stayed with her and the boys that night. They were thrilled to see me. They made me feel better. When I got back home on Wednesday, I felt like I had been gutted. You still weren’t here. No word. Nothing. I took my pill like a good boy. I cleaned the house. Trying to get the outside to look the way I wanted the inside to look. I hurt so damn bad, Jensen. You left me!”
“I’m so sorry!” Jensen moaned. “God, I’m such a selfish asshole!”
“Anyway!” Jared continued. “Thursday came. I was still a complete mess, so I called my mom. We chatted for a bit, but she knew something was wrong. She asked me where you were. I said I didn’t know. That you left on Sunday without really explaining what was going on, and that I hadn’t heard from you since. She was really worried and offered to come up and stay with me. She didn’t want me to be alone. She said I sounded really bad. I laughed and told her I thought I was doing better. Jeff stopped by that night to check on me. He said mom was worried enough to call him.
“We sat and talked until about 1 a.m. He knows about us, Jensen. I was so upset I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore with him. I told him, and he held me and let me cry. Jensen, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t hold it together. I’m so stupid and weak. I’m so sorry!”
“Jared. No.” Jensen said softly, reaching out for Jared and holding him close. “No, you are not weak and you’re certainly not stupid. You are so strong! I can’t believe you think that what you did is weakness. You took care of yourself when I was too big of a moron to help you with that. I’m the biggest idiot on the planet. I’ve been so incredibly stupid and selfish. I’ve kept you dangling on this invisible string for months. Then, without notice, I suddenly cut the thread. I can’t believe you would want to be with me. I’ve never been able to believe it. You are so beautiful, and caring, and strong, and open. You laugh and you love like there is no tomorrow. I don’t deserve you. But I want to so badly. I want to be able to deserve you.”
Jared sobbed into Jensen’s shoulder. Neither of them showed the slightest concern that they were sitting in a bar crying on each other. The regulars looked at them with tenderness in their eyes. They could sense a turning point for these two sweet, caring individuals who had been hanging out with them, off and on, for months now.
“Hey! Hey!” Jensen whispered. “Tell me about today. What happened today?”
Jared sat up slowly, wiping his eyes. His long fingers fidgeted for a few minutes while he got his breathing under control again.
“This morning, I got up early. Jeff was still there. We had coffee, I took my pill, and then went for breakfast. I felt a bit better after eating. I really hadn’t had much to eat all week. He promised me he wouldn’t tell anyone about you and me until I was ready. He thanked me for being open with him. He told me that he loved me and that he had my back no matter what. Then he went to work and I went downtown to the lake and took a long walk. I was down there for about an hour. Then I went back home. I sat at my desk and wrote for a while. I played around on my guitar for a bit. But mostly I kept trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I wrote everything down and went over it again. I couldn’t see anything. I just didn’t know where you were, if you were coming back…”
“God, man. Why are you even sitting here talking to me right now? Why aren’t you pissed off and screaming at me?” Jensen asked sincerely. “I don’t get it.”
“Anyway! Around 4:30, I realized I hadn’t eaten lunch. Jeff made me promise that I would eat today. No matter what. So I went to that little diner down the street and picked up something. Then I went back to the house, but it was too quiet. So I came out here. I was talking to Mike and then I got a text. From you. And then you were here, asking if the stool was taken, using those old, tired pick-up lines on me. What the hell, man?”
“I know.” Jensen laughed at himself. “I didn’t know what to say to you. You looked so sad and distant. I thought I was being clever. I didn’t think. Jared, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Okay, I hear you. Listen, Jensen. Now, you need to hear me. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live through another week like this one. Here it is, man. This is it. The dividing line. You’ve told Dani and your parents. I’ve told Gen and Jeff. You’re either in or you’re out. I love you, Jensen. I’m in love with you. I want you, the real you, in my life forever. I want to be with you. In every sense of the word. So decision time. But let me tell you this. If you say you are in and then pull something like this again, I’m out. Permanently.”
Jensen looked into Jared’s eyes and said, “I’m in. All the way. There is nothing more important than you to me. I want the chance to prove it to you.”
Jared reached out and took Jensen’s hand in his own. “We really begin now. Right here. No more one foot in and one foot out.”
“I get it. And I completely agree.” Jensen nodded. He leaned forward and softly brushed his lips against Jared’s. “Right here, I promise you that I am in this for the long haul. I will talk to you if I start to freak out again. I will earn your trust back. I promise you that I am here with you, for you. For as long as you will keep me. I love you.”
Jared rested his forehead against Jensen’s and closed his eyes. Then he whispered, “No. That’s not what I want.”
Jensen gasped and leaned back. “What?”
“I don’t want you to ever feel like I don’t want you. I want you. For now and forever. I’m not planning on ever letting you get away from me. So you will promise me that we will love one another, we will work together on any problems that come up, and we will always, always, be there for each other.” He looked directly into Jensen’s eyes with such determination and love, that Jensen couldn’t help but smile in return.
“I promise.” Jensen smiled.
“And I’m calling my parents when I get home and telling them.” Jared said.
“Absolutely!” Jensen laughed.
“Now kiss me! Right here in front of God and everybody!” Jared laughed. Jensen leaned forward and did just that. The kiss lingered until the catcalls and whistles started up. They both laughed and began looking around. The regulars were clapping and pumping fists in the air. Mike walked over with two more beers and plopped them down in front of them.
“On the house.” He said with a huge smile and then moved away again.
Jared and Jensen clinked their glasses together and lifted them to the crowd. As the noise and attention died down a little bit, Jensen leaned into Jared’s side and said, “How would you feel about hitting the road in the morning to drive down and tell your folks in person? There’s something I need to talk to your dad about. And I’d kinda like to do it in person. If that works for you.”
“Sounds good to me.” Jared answered and then tilted his head to the side slightly. “You ready to go?”
“What?” Jensen asked, startled.
“I thought you wanted to take me home.” Jared smirked. “I’ve heard make-up sex is pretty excellent.”
“Oh yeah!” Jensen said in his best sultry bass. “Let’s get out of here.”
They stood together. Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen’s nose, then took his hand and began moving toward the door. Jensen moved beside Jared quickly and put his arm around Jared’s waist. They smiled at each other and walked out the door.