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“Do you remember the morning after my 29th birthday? When you said you were thinking about moving here permanently?” Adam wondered out loud, staring into the distant wall of his living-room and Sauli nodded with a small smile.
“'Course I do. We didn't get off the couch for quite some time after that.” he chuckled softly but Adam didn't join him.
It has been a long time since they sat together like that; only the two of them without anyone around. The morning Adam was referring to took place a bit more than two years ago when Sauli was in Los Angeles for his birthday after knowing Adam for a total of not even three months.
From the first time they had locked eyes with each other in Helsinki they knew the connection between them was something special. Something most people were looking for all their life and never found it. It was like a dream come true for Adam. He was one of those persons until he met Sauli.
Before that his heart was filled with sadness and maybe he was even a little bit depressed. At every concert of his GlamNation Tour had he told his fans, the Glamberts, about how to find true love and make it work. But it seemed like he wasn't able to find it himself and it put him in a really dark place, writing some of the saddest songs the world ever heard.
But then his world was turned upside-down when Sauli accepted the invitation to his birthday bash and really came over to LA just to see him again. The spark between them grew stronger, quickly becoming a burning fire. They would talk and goof around and dance and just have a good time and find out that somehow they... matched.
Being a celebrity in Finland as well, Sauli could relate to most things Adam talked about: the paparazzi, photoshoots, TV performances and interviews, the fans. He knew he was taking a risk with moving to America but the Finn sensed it would be worth it. They started dating for real then and of course the magazines were filled with articles about the two, suspecting they were together but the couple took their time before Adam made their relationship official with a tweet.
He soon started to accompany Adam to his concerts and TV show appearances. After a few weeks he started his own blog for his fans in Finland, letting them know about his adventures and life in Los Angeles. Even about the juice cleansed, him and Adam started doing regularly.
Since May 2012 Adam had been promoting his new album Trespassing , which debuted at number 1 in the US, and he wanted to get his music out to the people because the inspiration for many songs was his new found love to Sauli. At the end of 2012 Sauli got an offer from Seiska, a Finnish entertainment and TV magazine, to produce his own TV show the following year. They were living their dreams.
But not together anymore.
During Adam’s latest tour - which was called the We Are Glamily Tour and that had ended about six months ago - they had decided to part ways. The reason was simple. They didn’t have as much time as they should have had for each other. If it were only for a few weeks a year everything would have been alright but it was like that for a couple of months already.
And it hurt. Spending long, lonely nights away from each other because their schedules would allow them only so much and even when they could finally be together again the thoughts of having to leave again soon darkened the mood.
The separation had hurt, too – it always does – but they had managed to stay really good friends and Sauli had stayed in Los Angeles instead of going back to Finland. He had built up a life here and his family and friends were only a Skype-call away.
So life went on, they both partied – either together or alone with their own friends – and they cared for each other still. Media never stopped speculating whether they were still a couple in secret or maybe already dating other men. But neither of their speculations was true. They were best friends. Period.
“I miss that… when we had all the time in the world” Adam sighed and Sauli’s eyes shot up to look at him when he heard the heart-breaking sad undertone in his friend’s voice.
“Me, too. We sacrificed it to live our dream. And I think we’re pretty good at living it.”
“Guess we are.” the black-haired man managed to get out but avoided Sauli's eyes.
That was strange. Adam hadn't been that quiet and thoughtful in a long time. Something must have happened last night when Sauli was out in the city. He wanted to make Adam feel better and he knew that talking was the best way to help him.
“What did you make think of it?”
“Some fans tweeted me a picture of my 29th. We had such a blast“
“Yeah. That was an amazing party. Actually one of the best I've ever been to. Must be because of the great friends there. And the birthday boy, of course.” he saw how Adam tried to put on a smile, a fake smile, but it didn't work “Tell me what's wrong. Please.”
“I miss you” the older stated bluntly.
“I'm here” Sauli reminded him, confused.
“But not the way I'd like you to be”
“Adam, what-”
“We broke up six months ago and I still haven't fully realized we really did.” Sauli noticed how the blue eyes turned glassy and shone with tears.
“I thought we were okay. We talked about it and we both said it was for the best”
Adam nodded: “I didn't want to... hurt you any longer. I knew it would've been too much to ask you to just continue a relationship you weren't happy being in anymore.”
“You know it was never about you or that I wasn't in love with you. It was because-”
“We barely had time for each other, yeah. I was happy to see that you felt better when the pressure of having to spend time together according to our schedules was gone.”
“But... what about you?”
Now the tears were flowing freely down Adam's cheeks and he smiled: “This was never about me. All I wanted was to make sure you were being happy and free again. Free to live your life the way you want.”
Sauli couldn't believe what he heard. All this time he had been sure Adam felt the same, that they were better off as friends, no strings attached. If they wanted to meet up they could do it one week or another. If they had too much on the table, no problem, maybe later that month. Adam had never said anything and now they were sitting there, side by side, and Adam cried silently with an incredibly distressing kind of smile on his beautiful face.
“Why didn't you talk to me sooner? I... never thought it would hurt you so much. You seemed to be... alright with it” He really did but it was never about Adam, Sauli reminded himself.
“Can I be honest?”
“Please” the blonde pleaded and his voice was hoarse, throat dry and heart racing.
“I was and am still heart-broken”
And that was when he was breaking down, sobbing and hiding his face in his hands. But still Sauli could see the tears running down his arms. He wanted to hug Adam so badly but he wasn't sure if that was what Adam needed right now. He couldn't know what Adam needed anymore since he had been wrong for the past half year. So all he did was staring at him, helplessly.
Adam hated himself for saying all those things. He never wanted Sauli to know the truth. He had hoped his feelings would eventually fade and he would really see Sauli as his friend; only his friend. But one picture brought all the memories back, good and not so good ones. It felt like his heart was breaking all over again. But that was what it was doing every night when he went to bed alone and woke up the next morning alone, too.
When really no one was around, he would put his earphones in and play the playist he created after they had decided to go their separate ways which included all those bittersweet songs he was listening to ever since. They made him cry until the pain in his heart became unbearable so he finally felt alive again. Or rather felt anything at all.
“Adam, please, stop crying. Please. I didn't mean to hurt you” he heard Sauli, who was shedding tears of his own now too, sob. He wanted to so that the blonde wouldn't be hurting but he found that he couldn't now that his true feelings were out there.
“'I-I'm sorry, Sauli”
He caught his breath when Sauli's arms encircled him, taking him into a tight embrace and it made his heart ache even more because he knew it wasn't the same like when they had been together. But the need to be close to him was stronger and he took hold of Sauli's hand.
They spent unknown time crying together until Sauli choked out: “Minä rakastan sinua”
It took Adam a long moment to realize what he had just said but when he did even more tears were welling up in his eyes. Not in the way I love you.
“L-Let's try it a-again”
Adam's head jerked up and he stared at the younger man: “W-What?” Tear tracks were somehow making his face even more beautiful but Adam moved on to his lips which repeated what he had just suggested and then up to the pair of husky blue eyes he had spent hours looking into when they were waking up next to each other in the mornings. Which had been glancing back at him filled with affection and love.
And now they were filled with... affection and love.
“D-Do you really mean it?” he asked in disbelief.
“I do mean it just as much as when I told you 'I love you' for the first time. We will find a way to make it work” Sauli assured him and his lips began to turn into a hopeful smile.
Both their faces brightened and Adam sniffed: “It will be worth it, I promise. I'll do anything.”
“So will I, promise.”
“I... I love you so much, Sauli. Always did and always will”
“I love you, too. More than a best friend.”
*You never know what future brings* - quote from Sauli in Seiska magazine, Thursday 11th April