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After Lila's case in LA, you slowly began distancing yourself from Spencer.
He hadn't really done anything wrong. The photos of him kissing her jolted through you whenever you looked at him. For your own sanity, you needed to stay away from him.
The pictures had been spread all across the tabloids. The first page of every paper and article was slapped with his face, and the way his hands gripped her face desperately. You avoided all the news after that, the photos feeling like they were tormenting you.
It wasn't his fault that he didn't feel the same. He couldn't help his feelings, but neither could you. You decided to only talk to him if necessary and to keep your brain busy with anything other than thinking about him.
You're sitting at your desk as you stare at the same sentence on your case report over and over again, trying not to admire the way he flails his arms and grins as he explains something to a seemingly uninterested Derek. The report was a welcome distraction, even if it didn't work very well.
A coffee is being placed in front of you as Elle smiles, tilting her head in curiosity as she notices how zoned out you've been.
"You okay?" She asks, moving to sit down on the edge of your desk, cradling her own coffee.
You nod and clear your throat. "Yeah, reports," You tell her. "They're mind-numbing."
She nods slowly, her eyes narrowing as she makes eye contact with you. "You sure it's just that?"
You can tell she doesn't believe you and you can tell she knows exactly what's plaguing you, even if she would never say it out loud. Reading people was her job, after all.
"Yep." You hum, rereading the same sentence in your report again.
Elle still looms around you in silence, possibly waiting for more from you, which would never happen. You tried not to get close to people, but your team were close friends. You still kept them at arm's length, your walls broke down around Spencer only.
"Nothing to do with the genius over there?" She questions, bringing her coffee mug up towards her lips.
"Don't you have work to do?" You tell her, dropping your pen onto your desk and turning towards her in your chair.
She laughs. "I do, but this is more interesting. What's going on?"
Her offer is tempting. The offer to talk to anybody about your feelings for Spencer, to have somebody else's perspective on it. You decide today isn't that day and you brush her off.
"Nothing," You mumble. "I'm tired, we got back late yesterday."
She hums as she nods, standing up from your desk. "I'm not stupid," She scoffs. "I know something's up, if you need someone to talk to I'm here."
You appreciate her words. You knew she'd listen and she'd care. Even though she seemed pushy, she meant well and wants to check you're okay.
"I'm okay, but thanks." You smile. "Thank you for the coffee."
She lets out a breathless laugh. "Don't worry about it, you look like you need it. Have you been sleeping?"
You hadn't been. If you weren't having nightmares about your cases, Spencer was stuck in your head. You were lucky to even get three hours a night, and that was on a good day.
"I just slept awkwardly, it's fine." You tell her.
You can tell she doesn't believe your words. She nods with a raised eyebrow as she pushes off your desk.
"Try have an early night then, you need sleep." She speaks softly, suspicion still prominent in her eyes.
You nod as he pushes off your desk and walks towards Spencer and Derek. You drop your head onto your desk, hoping the day goes quickly so you can go home and just sleep. You really needed a day off, but that felt extremely rare these days.
Going home didn't happen at all.
You sigh at the sight of Garcia heading into the round table room, knowing you are definitely going to have another sleepless night.
You were sent to LA. You try to push down the bile that slowly climbs its way up your throat, hoping being back there doesn't stir anything up inside you.
The precinct in LA is loud and stinks of masculinity. You hated stations like this, and in the corner of your eyes, Derek gags at the taste of the coffee.
He pours it out into the sink, dropping the paper cup onto the kitchen counter.
"Coffee run, anyone?" He says and Elle shakes her head.
"How about YOU do it for once?" Elle scoffs. "It's always me or Reid, never you."
"What Reid drinks can't be classed as coffee, that's diabetes waiting to happen. That's why he doesn't make anybody else coffee." Derek says, Spencer immediately begins to defend himself.
Spencer used to make you coffee without fail every morning. You used to always walk into the BAU with a hot cup waiting for you and a small smile from him. You wince at the memory.
"Everybody has different tastes!" Spencer argues, adding another teaspoon of sugar to his mug. "Y/N never had a problem with her coffee when I used to make it."
You tense up at the way your name comes out of his mouth. He'd barely acknowledged you since the previous LA case.
"Oh, is that right?" Derek teases, looking towards you. "What, you're telling me you actually enjoy pretty boys coffee?"
They all look towards you and Elle smirks at your expression, knowing she had now caught you on why you were being weird.
"It was...fine."
Derek scoffs as Spencer smiles, and you give him a half-hearted smile back. You missed his smile, you missed him smiling at you.
"Hell no," Derek scoffs and Elle laughs. "It's just because he's got pretty privilege, right?"
You stare at Derek wide-eyed. Now you'd definitely been caught out. He waits for an answer before Spencer is talking, and you immediately zone back in at the sound of his voice.
"I don't think-"
"I have a headache, I'm going outside." Is all you can get out before you're walking out of the kitchen and straight outside.
You inhale deeply as if your body had been starved of oxygen. You stare at the blue sky and focus on the noise of the traffic. It's busy, but you're not surprised.
You can't believe you just walked away like that, god, that was stupid.
You spend the next few minutes berating yourself before J.J. pushes the door open, staring your figure up and down.
"We need everyone in the briefing room, we're meeting with the leading detective." She tells you and you nod.
"Yeah, I'll be there in a second." You tell her before she's rushing back inside. You can't blame her for being quick, she was always very busy trying to keep the media at bay. It was especially hard in LA.
You take in a deep breath before heading back inside, mentally preparing yourself to try and just get through this one case.
The case has gone terribly wrong.
You had finally discovered a potential lead for your unsub. Hotch had sent you and Derek to check out the lead.
You and Derek decided to split up to search for the unsub, and now you were sitting in the back of an ambulance with a potential concussion. The worst part was that your injury was for nothing, the unsub had got away after Derek was busy checking for signs of life on you.
It wasn't Derek's fault but you could tell he blamed himself. He had stood by your side the entire time you were being checked over, constantly apologising for what happened. It wasn't his fault, you really should've been more aware.
The throbbing in your skull still hasn't subsided. Luckily there was only a small gash on your forehead, but that was the least of your worries with the pounding in the back of your head.
You wince and curse out the paramedic as the antiseptic burns the gash, moving away from the antiseptic slightly before moving back in, understanding that the paramedic was only doing his job.
An SUV pulls up in front of the unsubs' house and Spencer practically storms towards you and Morgan with Elle in tow.
Derek winces as he notices Spencer, stepping closer to you as if he's looking for protection.
"Now you're splitting up and she's getting concussions? What is wrong with you?" Spencer yells, his arms flailing around in the air as he steps closer to Derek.
"It was an accident!" Derek says. "We both decided to split up, we didn't think he'd be there."
"You hadn't cleared the house yet, why would you split up?" Spencer continues his rant. "She could've died! Don't you understand how I-"
"I'm right here," You speak, looking up at Spencer. "I'm fine."
His breathing is erratic as he runs his hands through his hair, gripping tightly. He lets out a deep breath.
"He shouldn't have let you go alone, you got the same victimology," Spencer states. "You never go alone."
"It's not Derek's fault," You say sharply. "We BOTH thought he wasn't home, we both decided to split up."
"But-" Spencer interjects, and you interrupt him straight away.
"But nothing," You scoff. "I'm alive, aren't I? The unsub got away because Derek was checking on me, it's my fault he got away. I should've been more careful."
Spencer opens his mouth as if he's going to say something but no words come out and he looks towards the ground, staring at his old Converse.
"You could've died." He mumbles in a broken tone. You shake your head.
"But I didn't," You state, winching as the paramedic stitches up your gash. "Yeah, I might have a concussion, it's nothing I haven't had before."
He shakes his head at you, completely speechless, and so are you.
He looks genuinely hurt. You'd never seen him like this before, you'd never seen him get that angry.
"You don't get it," He eventually speaks. "You don't understand."
Elle's placing her hands on his shoulders as he turns him around, mumbling something about going off to cool down. He looks at Derek one more time before he lets himself be dragged away by Elle.
You try to blink the tears out of your eyes as you look up at the sky. The paramedic eventually gives you the all clear, explaining the basic signs of concussions (which you already knew) and telling you to stay awake for the next few hours.
It's nothing you didn't already know. You sigh at the thought of not being able to sleep, especially after the last few days being on the case.
Hotch had amazingly decided to put Spencer on concussion duty.
He was in charge of keeping you awake and monitoring your symptoms. You lay in the itchy hotel bed as he sat on the chair in the corner, reading his book that he definitely should've finished by now.
"Can I sleep now?" You scoff. "I feel fine."
"Thirty minutes, then you can sleep." He says, not even looking from his book.
"This is so unnecessary, I'm fine." You say, moving around to try and get more comfortable, a futile attempt in the damp hotel room.
"Do you feel tired?"
"Oh my god, it's not a fucking symptom." You say, running your hands down your face in annoyance. "I'm exhausted, I've barely slept recently, just let me sleep."
Your words are sharp and you immediately regret them as he winces, turning his affection away from you and back down to his book.
You weren't exactly annoyed at him. You were in pain and you were tired, you never wanted to snap at him. He was the one you were never mad at.
"Sorry, Reid." You apologise. "I'm tired, I just want this day to be over."
"I hate when you call me that." He speaks instantly, his brain choosing to pick what you called him instead of the apology.
"What?" You question.
"I hate when you call me that." He tells you, clearing his throat. "Why have you been so cold to me? Did I do something to make you cut me out of your life?"
You freeze at his words, him rendering you speechless. All you can do is stare at him in the dark of your motel room.
"You didn't do anything," You mumble. "It's just me."
"You haven't acted like this towards anybody else," He tells you, barely looking towards you. "It's been just me, what did I do?"
His words make you feel sick. His voice cracks and he just sounds exhausted.
"It's... It's complicated."
He lets out a deep sigh before closing his book and standing up from his chair, swallowing deeply.
"Fine, you clearly aren't ready to talk about whatever I've done so I'm going to let you sleep." He states, walking around the room and gathering some things he had left scattered around and shoving them into his go-bag.
As soon as his hand is reaching for the door handle panic is bubbling up inside you and you jump off the bed and then you're standing behind him.
"Spence, please," You plead, grabbing his hand gently to stop him from opening the door. "Don't go, it's all hard to explain and it's-"
"So now you're going to talk to me?" He says and you nod, hoping that this makes him stay.
He doesn't move, instead choosing to drop his bag onto the floor with a small gulp. You take in a deep breath before moving to sit back on the bed, pulling your knees up to your chest tightly and wrapping your arms around them.
"Lila." You speak.
His brows furrow in confusion at the word, his eyes scanning your face as he looks for an answer.
"Lila?"
He coughs to cover up the break in his voice and all you can do is nod. It's all going to come spilling out now, you realise.
"You're with her," You speak. "You kissed her, I thought you liked me."
You take in a deep breath, breathing out as you close your eyes and try to maintain whatever composure that still resides in you. He shakes his head with a scoff.
"All this is because of Lila? This is crazy." He spits, running a hand through his hair.
"I know, and I'm so sorry, Spence." You begin apologising. "I just... didn't know how to deal with it."
"Deal with what, exactly?" He asks, annoyance growing in his voice. You didn't blame him, you'd be more than annoyed if you were in his position.
"The fact that you like someone that isn't me."
He freezes as his eyes grow wide like a deer caught in headlights. He shakes his head softly, defeat looming over him as he takes slow steps towards you and sits in the space on the bed.
"You- you like me?" He asks. You can't bring yourself to look at him but you can feel his eyes on you.
You groan. "It sounds so childish." You speak, dropping your head to rest on your knees.
"It's not," He speaks softly. "That's why you've been avoiding me like the plague?"
"Yeah." You mumble.
"Can you at least look at me?" He's asking gently and you immediately give in as you lift your head and look at him.
He's shifting, angling his body towards you as he lets out a deep breath. His mouth opens and you close your eyes, dreading the next words to come out of his mouth. You don't even think you want to hear them.
"When I was kissing Lila-" You visibly wince and he gulps. "I was wishing it was you."
You let out a breathless laugh. You can't tell if it's relief or if it's because you don't believe him.
"Really?"
You try to blink the tears out of your eyes and then he's bringing one hand up to your face, swiping away a stray tear with his thumb.
"Really," He assures, removing his hand and you want his hands back on you already. "It's always been you, honey. Ever since you walked through the doors of the BAU a year ago."
You choke out a wet laugh, smiling at him as you nod your head. You take in a deep breath.
"Why did you kiss Lila?" You ask.
"She kissed me," He immediately corrects. "I panicked and I wasn't sure what to do, the photos made it seem more than it was."
"And what was that?"
"She was scared," He begins, moving his hand to rest on your knee. "She was projecting onto me, she did it just because she could."
You nod gently, trying to show him that you understand. He grins, rubbing his thumb across your leg.
"Okay." You speak.
"Any other questions on your mind? Because I would really like to kiss you - if that's what you want."
You're pressing your lips against his straight away.
His hand leaves your knee and comes up to your head and he's moving a stray hair behind your ears smoothly. He cups your cheeks with both his hands and his lips are so soft against yours.
It makes your head spin and makes you feel dizzy. Kissing Spencer was just that - the world didn't end and the deep hole in your chest hasn't grown, it's closed.
He's pulling away with one last gentle kiss to your lips and he's grinning, it's the biggest smile you'd ever seen on his face.
"Are you okay?" He's asking, his hand becoming permanent on your cheek.
"I'm better than okay," You say and he nods, letting out a small breath of relief. "Maybe after the case we can do that again?"
He's pressing a kiss to your head before humming softly, giving you a small nod.
"Of course, I never want to stop."