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Art by the Wonderful Twitter@jikitav/Insta@srchiiz!
Our scene opens with a wide shot of a lush green garden. There are flowers lining the patch of grass in the centre. On the grass is a large tent, big enough to house half a dozen bakers and their stations.
This is the site of one of Britain’s greatest inventions. The Great British Bake Off. But inside we find no charming brits, or even charitable celebrities.
No, inside our tent today lies six hopeful bakers. All plucked by the powers that be from the famed Kingdom of Science and dropped today into this delightful tent of culinary delights under the watchful eye of Judges Francois and Suika. They will each compete in three trials to see who can be named Star Baker and take away the famed King of Baking Apron (courtesy of Yuzuriha Couture).
Asagiri Gen steps out from behind a tastefully phallic shrub, all smiles and glamour in his purple suit, bicoloured hair shining in the sun. “Oh hello, darlings...I didn’t see you there, I was busy settling our newest constants into our delightful tent of treats.” His smirk belies a certain mischief as he approaches the camera, “Today we take six of Ishigami Village’s best and brightest and pit them against each other in three feats of baking excellence. Will they prove they have what it takes to rise to the occasion,” his voice took on a sultry lilt, “or will they melt in the heat of the moment,” then turned vicious. “Only time will tell,” the camera panned out, showing the wide shot of a Victorian manor house overlooking the tent, “Welcome, to the Great Ishigami Village Bake Off!”
The opening credits roll, shots of our bakers in various states of frantic cooking, abstract horror and baking-induced mania flicker on the screen, followed by pensive looks from Francois and Suika being as adorable as ever with her little cute face and cutting remarks.
We return to the tent where Francois has taken their place at the front of the baking stations, “Bakers, you face two days of challenges. First today is the Signature Bake. This is a chance to offer up one of your tried-and-true home recipes and give us an insight into what makes you tick. Your task today is to produce a sourdough bread with your home risen starters. You are to produce a single loaf, it can be any flour of your choosing, white, rye or yes, even fox-tail millet. What matters is that you produce a savoury loaf worthy of gracing our table and palettes.”
Suika pops up beside them, her usual melon mask replaced by a pair of round green spectacles, “You have two and a half hours! Ready....set....BAKE!”
“The ovens are pre-heated, the bakers are at their stations...let's hear from our contestants and find out just who we have competing in this very special episode,” Gen’s voice is soft as the camera pans over our bakers, settling first on the one, the only, Ishigami Senku.
Senku
Ishigami Senku is the 19-year-old chief of our little village. In his spare time, he mostly works on upgrades to the various technological marvels he’s introduced to the Stone World, but this coming spring at the behest of his - reportedly - close and truly bestest friend, Nanami Ryusui, he has forayed into baking...
We cut to Senku leaning casually against his workstation, sketching out some grand schematics,
“Eh? Baking? It’s all just chemistry when it comes down to it. As our Kingdom’s premier scientist, I’m sure my bakes will ten billion percent wow the judges.” He waves his pencil casually, as if talking about something banal like the weather and not the most heated baking competition the Stone World has ever seen. “Bread is easy too, literally invented by cave men banging rocks together, how hard can it be?”
Senku’s signature bake today is a spicy Ishigami family recipe.
“Byakuya used to bake this all the time, called it tummy ache bread because he was lactose intolerant and couldn’t handle his spice. He ten billion percent shat himself every time he made it, but it was my favourite, so we always had a loaf when he was home,” Senku’s eyes swim with tears for a moment, a rare show of vulnerability as he mentions his lost father.
Senku’s Tummy Ache bread is a careful blend of white, rye and whole wheat flour imbued with the spice of freshly cut jalapeno peppers and the savoury goodness of sharp American style cheddar cheese. His sour dough starter is a 1-1 replica of that once fed by his dearly departed father 3700 years ago. He will be decorating his bread with a cheese-crumb-crust and serving with freshly churned goat butter and sea-salt.
“So, Senku-chan, I see you’ve gone for something with a little kick. Trust you to bring some heat into this tent,” Gen’s flirtatious tone was accompanied by a matching smirk as he leaned on Senku’s worksurface, eyeing the scientist with open hunger.
“Can it, mentalist, I need to focus. This recipe requires absolute perfect ratios down to the very millimetre. I don’t have time to flirt with you,” Senku’s scowl pulls at his petrification-scars as he focuses on weighing out his rye flour.
“Oh your bread may be hot-hot-hot, but you are so cold dear Senku~” Gen sing-songed before blowing a raspberry at him, “Very well, let's see what our other contestants are making...”
Tsukasa
Shishiou Tsukasa is our very own MMA-Fighter turned Would-Be-Dictator now Reformed-Guard-Lion of the Kingdom of Science. He has the most years of baking experience under his belt, having grown up helping take care of his younger sister, Mirai who had her childhood marred by illness.
Tsukasa is on the edge of the training grounds, leaning against a fence post as he looks out upon the village, a warm, contented look in his deep brown eyes. “Mirai was always a sickly child, I had to work hard to make sure she had the best foods before the coma. Everything had to be home made. All natural.”
Tsukasa’s sourdough bread is his own special whole-wheat spin on a Honey-Oat Sourdough that he perfected to charm his sweet-toothed sister into eating healthy.
“Half the battle with children is giving something an appealing name, Honey-Oat sounds much tastier than Sourdough, but still, the other half of the battle is making sure its damned good bread,” the gentle giant gives a soft chuckle and waves over his little sister who runs into his arms for a firm hug, “Since getting Mirai back, we’ve taken the time to do at least one sibling activity a day, and cooking has become a fast favourite.”
The camera cuts back to the inside of the tent, the sheer focus on the tall man’s face almost startling when one considers its simply baking.
“So, Strongest Primate Highschooler turned baker, do you think you have what it takes to take home the title of ‘Star Baker’?” Gen stood beside Tsukasa, watching curiously as those large hands kneaded his loaf with a gentleness one would not think possible.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that... I’m just happy to participate. After everything we’ve been through, to just be able to bake with my friends is all the reward I need,” he gave Gen that million-watt smile even as Senku feigned gagging noises in the background. “Though, Mirai has quite the competitive streak, so if I win, it’ll be for her.” Strong arms worked the dough as Tsukasa spoke to Gen, long dark hair tied back, a dab of flour on his cheek. “My money is on Nikki though, even back in the Empire of Might, she was a dab hand over the cookfire.”
Nikki
Nikki Hanada is one of the strongest members of the Kingdom of Science, but more than her strength of body, is the strength of her devotion to Lillian Weinberg. As Lillian’s self-proclaimed number one fan, she was often responsible for bringing Lillian-themed treats to her Fanclub meetings.
Nikki is leaning against the main mast of the Perseus, arms folded and cheeks a little pink,
“Yeah, I love Lillian, who wouldn’t! She was a revolutionary in her field. Her music changed the game for international pop sensations.” She lets out a wistful sigh and looks to the skies, “I struggled so much as a young woman in the martial arts world...but I could always turn to her music when times get tough, and what goes better with great music than fresh bread?”
Nikki’s bread is a maple-glazed braided loaf, made with fortified white flour and served with a sesame goat-milk butter she has lovingly hand churned.
“Get your sticky fingers away from my honey, Gen!” Nikki smacks his hand with her spatula, shooting him a glare, “This bread is my homage to Lillian, it has to be perfect.” She was expertly kneading the bread with one hand and guarding her sweet ingredients with the other and her various utensils.
“Ouch! Nikki-sama! You’re so uel-cray!” Gen whines, holding his hand and pouting at her, “What fun is there if I can’t sneak a little taste?”
“This isn’t fun, Gen. This is baking, this is serious! My honour as Lillian’s biggest fan is on the line!” She waves her spatula threateningly, “Now scarper on little man, I have a competition to win!”
Chrome
Gen, thoroughly scolded by Nikki, sulks across to the next baker’s station, coming to pause by one Chrome, looking over his ingredients, searching with his eyes for any sort of sweet treat, thrilled when he spotted a jar of chocolate chips. His hand dips inside subtly as he distracts the baker with his snake-like smile,
“So, our darling Chrome, what delights have you brought to the baking tent today?” His voice was smooth and melodic even as he ate his way through the pile of pilfered treats.
“OH! Gen! You’ll wanna see this, I’m making something baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.” Chrome brightens up when he sees Gen and the cameras, excited to show off his newest invention. “This is going to be bread like you have never seen before!” He points at them, all eagerness and ambition, “Instead of bread with fruit in it...this is bread made from fruit! I call it – Banana Bread!”
Chrome is a Junior Scientist in the Kingdom of Science and is often referred to as the Resource King with his penchant for discovering the very ingredients to Senku’s crazy science road maps. He took to baking after hearing Senku describe it as ‘10 billion percent basic chemistry’. He is the most... experimental... with his baking, often including odd ingredients and combinations leading to as many failures as his successes.
The camera cuts to Chrome outside the Science Shed, trying to lean casually but looking a little too much like he is desperately trying to be cool,
“Yeah, I started baking with Senku, but soon I moved on to doing my own experiments! The local kids love trying my different bakes...heh, my speciality are these steamed buns I hide mystery ingredients inside. They dare each other to take bites.” He waves to Suika in the distance who is running around with Chalk, pausing to wave back before racing off again, “Those kids will eat anything!” He laughs. In the distance, Nemari lets out a mournful cry,
“WHO PUT PICKLED HERRING IN MY BUN?!”
Chrome’s original invention, dubbed “Banana Bread” is a somewhat Ishigami Village take on the traditional banana bread. Using milled foxtail millet flour and overripe bananas, he adds in chocolate chips for a sweet, child-friendly take on getting your 5-a-day.
Kohaku
“What on earth appened-hay!” Gen exclaims, looking at the bombsite that is Kohaku’s workstation. Flour is everywhere, some sort of liquid is dripping off one end and somehow, she has managed to break several spoons and spatulas. Her stand-aid-mixer is in pieces.
“Oh Gen, quick, hold this.” Kohaku hands him a jar which contains an oddly bubbling sticky green substance.
“Uh...Kohaku...what is this?”
“It's my sour-dough starter! I made it myself!” She chirps, looking mighty pleased, “Everyone thinks Ruri is the master chef in the family, but I’d like to see her keep a starter alive!”
“It certainly looks alive...” Gen holds it at arm's length, looking suspiciously at the odd concoction that seemed to writhe in the jar.
Kohaku is the Kingdom’s resident Lioness and one of their strongest warriors. She is fearless in the face of danger, dual-wielding blades and dancing around her enemies with a hidden grace. She grew up baking with her late mother and her older sister, Ruri. When Ruri grew sick with pneumonia, Kohaku took on caring for her, bringing her water from the hot springs to soothe her pain and making easy-to-digest treats to keep her strength up.
The camera pans to Kohaku standing with Ruri, the sisters both looking excited.
“Our mother was an amazing cook,” Ruri said, “she passed all of her recipes down to us, but when I got sick, I wasn’t able to prepare food very often.”
“I tried, but mom and Ruri’s food was always better. But not anymore, I’ve been practicing and practicing perfecting my recipe. Last time I got him to try some, Ginro even described it as ‘edible’!” Her eyes sparked with the challenge. In the distance, Ginro is keeled over, face green as the grass as he tries not to upheave his stomach contents across it. Kohaku continues, unbidden, “I’ll show them all that I’m more than just a lioness or gorilla! I have many skills and that includes baking the best bread they’ve ever tasted!”
Kohaku’s bread is an Ishigami Village staple, a hardy bread for a hardy people. Like a Finnish Kalakukko, her spelt-flour bread will be stuffed with small fish wrapped in boar-back-bacon to produce a hearty meal-in-a-loaf. Showing off her myriads of skills, Kohaku both caught the fish and hunted the boar that will form the filling for her bread.
Ryusui
“I DESIRE TO WIN!” Ryusui’s voice cuts across the tent, distracting Gen from where he’d been ‘helping’ Kohaku. Sensing an escape from holding what she’d dubiously identified as her starter, he set the jar down and fled across the tent to Ryusui’s station.
Nanami Ryusui, once rich and powerful heir to the Nanami conglomerate...then rich and powerful CEO of his own shipping company and now premier playboy and capitalist of the Stone World, is the last person one might expect to find in a kitchen doing manual labour. But the young master is never one to give in when a challenge appears on the horizon and has taken to baking like a fish to water.
“AHAH! As well as being the most desirable butler, Francois is an amazing baker, so to prepare for this I of course asked them to train me! We practiced morning, noon and night!” Ryusui snapped his fingers, “Finally I am ready to spread my wings and claim victory for the Nanami name!”
Ryusui’s recipe is an Artisanal Baguette infused with Black Truffle and dusted with 24 karat gold flakes, served sliced, toasted and topped with creamy goats-cheese, caviar and smoked, wild caught Alaskan salmon.
Ryusui is reclining casually against the counter, giving Gen his sharp grin that usually comes just before disaster.
“Ryusui-chan, don’t you think you’re taking on quite the challenge? I mean...the ingredients alone must have required sooo much erk-way to get!” Gen bemoans, though his eyes have settled on the smoked salmon, almost catlike in their focus on the savoury delight.
“Nonsense, anything worth desiring is worth working for. I desire to eat well, so I will bake well!” He laughs, hearty and charming and the tall presenter almost swoons as the captain leans in and feeds him a bite of salmon, “Taste that and tell me it wasn’t worth the work I had to put in?” Gen’s moan of appreciation earned him a smirk, “See! I caught the salmon myself, prepared it, cut down the wood to smoke it...and it tastes all the better for my labour.”
“It certainly does taste good, I will say, its a little early to call it, but you have my vote,” Gen dropped a wink, hiding behind his sleeves in mock shock as Senku shrieks ‘traitor!’ from across the room. “Well, I best be off...lets see what our judges have to say...”
Judgement
Two hours and thirty minutes after they started, Suika calls time. A hush falls over the tent as everyone retreats to the end of their benches, loaves set to cool, ready for topping and tasting alike. Each baker stands, confident in their own abilities and creations as Suika, Francois and Gen gather to begin judgement.
Francois takes a fortifying breath, closing their eyes and saying a silent prayer to whatever Gods abandoned them to witness these culinary crimes and cursing whatever devil dragged them all into this tent of British sensibilities and innuendo.
“I’m so excited!” Suika bounces beside them, all wide grins and boundless energy, “C’mon Francois! C’mon Gen! Lets see Senku first! He’s the chief!”
“Ku-ku-ku! Good pick, detective Suika! I see you’ve got a keen eye for good baking...” Senku whips out a sharp knife from his belt to slice his loaf. Soon before them were three identical slices, speckled with jalapenos and spread thickly with salted goat’s butter. Suika takes the plunge first, taking a bite and gasping, her cheeks flushing pink.
“Soooo spicy! But sooooo good!” She declared, eyes watering along with her mouth as she took a second bite.
Gen for his part, kept his voice neutral but his face flushed from the heat as he chewed slowly, “I will say Senku-chan...it is icy-spay...” he hid a cough behind his sleeve, gesturing to one of the PA’s off camera to bring him a glass of milk, STAT.
Francois invesigated the loaf, holding it in their hand. They tested the spring back, the crumb. They pressed on the loaf and nodded, “You have a good dispersion of your jalapenos, the loaf is springy and well baked, the crumb is acceptable.” They picked up their slice and took a bite, “Your flavour has let you down...this is so spicy as to tend to inedible...” Even their usually composed face went pink and they held back a cough, taking a sip of water, “...I see where the name comes from...this is enough to give one an ulcer...I must insist no one eat more than a slice...it's a sure recipe for dyspepsia.”
Senku, ever gracious in the face of criticism grumbles and sits down, chewing his own bread with nary a flinch, even as he bit into a chunk of jalapeno, “Weak.”
Gen finished his glass of milk and waved over to Chrome,
“I beg, I need something sweet to offset that spice...” He led them over to where Chrome was slicing up his banana bread, serving the slices, eager for praise.
“I bet you never had anything like this in your time...bam! Bread made from fruit! Chrome’s very best Bad Banana Bread!” The junior scientist crowed, watching with glee as Gen and Suika sped through eating their slices, both overjoyed with the sweet treat after having their mouths set ablaze.
Francois on the other hand, kept professional, even as their compatriots folded like wet cheese in the face of sugar and chocolate.
“Your centre is not fully baked, what Senku lacked in taste, you more than make up, but comparatively your technical skills are lacking...” They rubbed the crumbs between their fingers, “Stodgy, but ultimately, more palatable than the tummy-ache from our chief.” They gave a small smile, “A good bake, Chrome.”
Beaming from the praise, Chrome stepped back to watch as they headed to the next station, Nikki. This bread was clearly much more successful though Nikki herself seemed uncharacteristically nervous,
“It's not perfect...but I did my best. I should have let it prove a little longer...” she fussed, playing with the end of her pigtails as she watched them try the loaf. Suika made a happy sound and Gen nodded along,
“It's good Nikki-chan! I love the shape too, it looks cute, like your hair!” He smiled, chewing thoughtfully, “It's a good blend of savoury and sweet...” He helped Suika hop up for another bite.
Francois was nodding too, eyes narrowed as they pulled apart the bread to check its construction, “A longer prove would have helped with structure, she is a dense bake, but your presentation and balance of flavours more than make up for it. You should be proud of this bread, as I am sure it is one small step towards baking greatness!”
After the first three breads, Gen was feeling a little full and paused to take a sip from his cola, fanning himself. “It’s getting warm in here...ugh I’m not built for all this hard working...” He pouted as Suika giggled at him,
“Gennnn, you’re just eating and talking!” She tugged on his hand, “C’mon, I wanna try Tsukasa’s bread, Mirai said it's the best!” Her sweet eyes and eager personality won over the pouty ex-celebrity, and they joined Francois in front of Tsukasa’s Honey-Oat loaf.
“I will say, Ser Shishio, I was hoping for a little flair to your presentation. You are normally such a dab-hand with creative endeavours...but your loaf presents itself with a rustic charm, and as a caregiver myself I admire your commitment to preparing a tasty but nutritious food for your loved one,” they said, voice soft and genuine as they admired the basic, but technically perfect loaf. “Truly this is perfectly baked...now for the taste...” They took a bite, and for the first time today, were struck speechless.
Beige. It tasted...so...very, very beige.
“Oh our Tsuka-chan is as alented-tay in baking as he is in all endeavours, physical or otherwise...” Gen sing-songed, “Why back in the Tsukasa-Empire he kept us all well fed with hunting and cooking alike...” He picked up the slice of bread, “Watching him get poor Hyoga-chan to eat vegetables was so amusing...” He bit into the slice and made a face. A face familiar to any parent who has tried to give a small child broccoli. A frown of dismay and betrayal as they realised that their tasty-treat was in fact a healthy-icky-nutritious-bite.
“Its...” Suika paused for a long time before finally finding the words she’d been searching for, “...its bread.” She carefully put the rest of her slice back on the plate, fighting to remain polite even as she chewed the gritty mouthful.
“Yes, it sure is...” Tsukasa gave a warm smile, every bit the big-brother, “Its low FODMAP profile makes it easy to digest and with the honey for a touch of sweetness, you hardly notice the fibre-dense mouthfeel.”
There was a long, awkward pause, broken only by Ryusui snapping his fingers and yelling,
“I DESIRE TO BE JUDGED NEXT!”
None of them could hide their sighs of relief as they rushed to see what Ryusui had produced.
...
...
..
.
“No one eat that,” Francois said firmly, laying their napkin over the blackened remains that Ryusui had dared to call a ‘baguette’ with the reverence of one lying a sheet over a beloved corpse. “Ryusui you have disgraced this sacred tent of baking with your actions. Know that what you have presented to me will haunt me for the rest of my days.” Their voice was oddly flat and grim, even as Ryusui laughed and declared himself the ‘best loser the bake-off tent has ever seen’.
Suika peeked under the napkin and shuddered, “Why is it glowing?”
“Trust Ryu-chan to present us with a firehazard instead of a snack...” Gen mourned. He’d been so excited for his salmon-cream-cheese concoction.
All that was left now was Kohaku, and as the two judges and one presenter walked to her bench, she gave them one of her innocent little smiles, rubbing the back of her neck. With each step they approached with the gravity of men walking to the gallows and as they finally came to stand in front of the lioness, they were amazed to find three small, adorable little fish-shaped loaves.
“Kohaku, you made these?” Suika gasped, amazed as she looked at the little loaf, “Fishie-breads! They look so cute! I want you to make these for lunch every day!” She held up her little fish, showing Gen, “Gen look!”
“My, my, Kohaku-chan what a surprise. These look amazing...presentation...they even smell good.” He picked up his own little loaf, stunned that she had created something so perfect considering her workstation looked like a bombsite.
Francois picked up the final loaf and smiled fondly, “My...what a wonderful final bake for us to try...shall we?” They all held their fish together in a mockery of a ‘cheers’ and brought them to their mouths for a bite...
Rumour has it that, to this day, they remain, frozen in place. Petrified once more, not by Medusa or Why-Man's power, but by the sheer horror of the concoction that Kohaku had managed to pack into those tiny, innocuous little loaves.
The Great Ishigami Bake Off, struck down before it even began, by a creation of such noxious inedibility that it defied the very science that had once formed the backbone of their society.
Though, after what felt like 3700 years, when the taste finally faded from their mouths and they could finally speak again, it was unanimous that, without a doubt, Nikki had won and that Kohaku and Ryusui were summarily banned from ever participating in food preparation again.