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The 17th - Harry
I blink and another tear escapes my eye. It rolls down my cheek and it dies in my lips. I feel the salty taste of it as I run my tongue over them and look anywhere else but my eyes in my reflection. I swallow dryly and take a deep breath. I look up to find a pair of green eyes looking back at me, full of pain and fear. The pale skin of my face contrasts with the purplish skin underneath my left eye. Now I understand why people were looking at me strangely as I walked around. I didn’t expect my skin to bruise so quickly.
I wash my face with cold water and try not to wet my brown curls. It is cold enough outside, I don’t want my hair to be frozen too when I walk out to the cold. My fingers feel numb and my back hurts. I look at my reflection again and order myself to stop crying. Not because I believe the phrase that says ‘real men don’t cry’ but because crying won’t solve anything. It would only help to make my face look even more disturbed.
I get out of the bathroom and sit down at the bar of the old diner. The clock marks 1 a.m. and the place is almost empty, only me, a very strange old lady sitting at a table in the back talking to a picture and the waitress who is sitting behind the counter painting her nails. Why would a person paint their nails at one in the morning? I could never understand girls. She looks at me as I sit, clearly checking me out as she slides to stand in front of me.
“Hey there lovely” she says smiling. She has red hair and nice skin, with a broad smile and white teeth that look too white to be natural. She can’t be more than five years older than me.
“Hello” I say neutrally.
“Are you okay?” she says looking at the left side of my face.
“Uh… yeah” I say starching my head. “Can I have a cup of hot chocolate please?”
“Sure hon” she says and leaves to make the cup. Less than two minutes later she is back with a steamy cup of hot chocolate in her hands.
“Here you go” she says smiling.
“Thanks” I say
“Do you need anything else?” she leans against the counter a little, as if inviting me to look at her cleavage. Her top is a little too revealing to be honest.
“I’m good, thank you” I sip my coffee quietly as she stares at me not very politely. Since when are people allowed to stare at each other that way? I have no idea. I drink my coffee slowly, dragging time with every little sip, absorbing the warmth around me. I don’t want to think about having to go outside again and walk in the cold. I have no hat, no gloves, no coat, just a light t-shirt and a hoodie and its almost thirty degrees outside. My sweats and shoes are warm but the cold from my waist up was killing me. One mile and I had to come into this diner to warm up a bit.
The clock hits two as I stare at my empty cup. The lady from the back is gone and the waitress looks at me almost annoyed now. She starts cleaning up and I just sit there, trying to keep my head empty but it doesn’t work. I still haven’t decided where I could go. I can knock at my uncle’s house but considering the buddy-buddy relationship he has with my step-dad that is a no-no. So I only have any of my only to friends from school. I sigh deeply, not wanting to knock at any of their doors at this hour or at any hour. I’m not much of the kind of guy who asks for any kind of favors. Giving favors, yes, at anyone; but asking for favors is another complete different thing. It means you owe someone, that that person gets something out of you because of that debt. Liam, Niall, Zayn… which door to knock at?
“Honey we are about to close” the lady says looking at me with pity.
“Oh” I say, snapping back to reality. I get the money out of my pocket and give it to her. Luckily I always keep money in the pockets of my sweats just in case. “Thanks” she smiles at me too brightly.
“Do you have where to go tonight?” she says suddenly. I’m taken aback by her blunt question but control my reaction.
“Uh… yeah” I hear myself saying “I do, thanks though” she smiles at winks at me.
“Wait a second” she says. I stand there and she goes to the back of the diner and comes out with something that looks like a coat in her hands. “Here” she extends it to me. I look at her confused.
“It’s thirty degrees outside, and you are wearing a hoodie, I don’t want you to freeze” she smiles kindly
“Uh.. thanks but…”
“I’m serious, take it. It’s the cook’s but he won’t even notice he loses them every few weeks” she says rolling her eyes and smiling.
“Thank you” I say taking it. She smiles again and I leave the diner. I put the coat on, feeling grateful for it because the wind has picked up. I zip it up and bury my hands on the pockets. My brain tries to work as fast as he can to decide where I should go. The problem is that they all live at school, and school is so far from here. Liam is probably with Danielle, Zayn is probably at some party with Niall and I don’t want to interrupt any of their lives to fill them with my problems.
I keep walking, not really having a definite direction, when I see the coffee shop. The lights are off and it’s closed, it reminds me of Louis. But I could never knock on his door, not after what happened, but he lives so close to where I am right now. I run my hand through my hair and I feel the tears fighting to come out again. It would be so easy to just sleep on some alley but it’s so damn cold. When I finally decide I just hope I don’t freeze to death before I reach the destination of this twenty-minute walk.
The streets are so empty it’s almost terrifying. I’ve never been a fan of walking on the streets after it gets dark, maybe it’s because of my mom’s complains all the time about how all bad things happen after the sun goes down. I roll my eyes and try to breathe deeply. My mom, my poor mom stepped in front of me and defended me. I bury my hands deeply into my pockets and keep walking forward.
When I reach the familiar building, the clock in the lobby says its 2:36 am. I walk up the two set of stairs to the third floor and try to control my shaking hands. Would he let me in? Would he close the door in my face? Would he punch me? He’ll probably punch me. I silently hope it’s on the right eye because I don’t think I can take two punches in my left. But Louis is right handed…
I ring the doorbell and wait. I hear absolutely nothing from inside and I’m afraid he might not be in, when I see the lock turning. The door opens and two blue eyes meet mine. I feel that annoying flip-flop thing that my stomach does and curse in my head. He looks strange. His eyes are bloodshot and I swear there’s some blood in his hand. His hair is ruffled and he is wearing black sweat pants with a white tee. Louis is literally the personification of a rainbow, this is wrong. He steps forward with a shocked expression in his face and I can smell the strong scent of alcohol in him. So he’s been partying, typical Louis. I’m about to say something when he throws himself at me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. I hold him tightly so he won’t fall and he kisses me on the cheek and then tries to kiss my mouth.
“Harry” he says in a hushed tone, looking directly into my eyes, his blue stare consuming me. He tries to lean in but I keep him away. He is so drunk.
(Flashback? kind of…)
Many people fall in love with their best friend. I might have seen so many movies when it happens and I’ve read many books too. But I’ve never seen anyone get punched by their step fathers because of it. And you don’t end up at the best friend’s door with a black eye at 1 a.m. This story is better for a movie than anything I’ve ever seen.
“Can we talk?” I asked my mom. She was sitting in the living room watching some TV. I came out of my room, tired of crying for so long, tired of being confused and lonely. I just needed someone to tell me that everything will be alright.
“What’s wrong honey?” she said looking at my red eyes. I sat next to her in the couch, my body facing her. “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” she said again when I didn’t speak for a while. She patted my leg and looked at me with kind eyes.
“Mom… how do you know you are falling in love with someone?” she looked at me surprised. I know what she might be thinking at that moment, I am an eighteen year old college boy, who apparently is attractive and charming and she had always seen me walking around with girls. Shouldn’t I know what that felt like? Well, I didn’t. Not until now of course
“Well, I guess you get butterflies in your stomach” she says smiling, unsure of how to answer. “You want to be with that person all the time, you want to make them smile and you want to kiss them and touch them. They make you smile all the time, even in the worst moments and somehow they always bring happiness to your heart. I guess that sounds like a fourteen year old with a crush but I think that’s how love feels like, it just feels right, right and normal” I growled and buried my face in my face. “Why honey, are you in love with someone?”
I pull my hair a little and not even bother to wipe my tears away. I’ve become a crying baby, I’ve accepted it. I sigh deeply and look at her, “Maybe…”
“And why aren’t you happy about it?” She asks as if she just couldn’t understand it… I look at her and can see that she sees the pain and confusion in my eyes. “You know you can tell me anything” she says and squeezes my thigh. I put my hands in my face again and just let it out.
“Because it’s a boy” I say almost mumbling.
“And why is that so painful?” I look up at her and I see understanding in her eyes. “Is that what’s been bothering you all this time Harry?” I nod “Oh honey” she hugs me. “There’s nothing wrong with liking someone of your same sex…”
“It’s not the fact that I like a boy, the thing is that I don’t think he likes me back and I don’t want to lose him” she look at me with sympathy.
“How long have you know?”
“That I like him?”
“Not specifically him, just in general, have you always been aware of it?”
“Yeah I guess… but I never paid attention until around two years ago… I’m not sure”
“Why didn’t you speak to me before then?”
“I… I don’t know, I was scared you wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want you to be angry at me”
“Harry, you are my son, and I love you. It doesn’t matter who you love” she says smiling. “I’ve always had my suspicions you know” she laughs, “but I was never going to ask until you told me” I nod. “Does this boy know you like him?” I shake my head. “Why don’t you tell him? You’ll never know how he feels until you ask?”
“Mom, I can’t really just go up to my straight male best friend and say hey, you know, I really really like you” I say annoyed.
“What?” I heard a deep voice behind me. Oh please no, I think. I turned around slowly and found a very angry Robin, my step-dad, looking at me with a confused expression. This was not good, this was definitely the worst thing that could have happened in the list of worst things that can happen to a person in their lifetimes. This is “It was Adam and eve” Robin; who changed the channel when Ellen came up; cursed the face of his coworker because he came to a party with another man, who was his boyfriend; Robin who is the biggest homophobic person in the entire globe.
“What did you just say?” he says angrily.
“I… um” I find myself unable to speak.
“Robin, love, what are you doing?” my mom says in a stern tone
“What am I doing? What are you doing Anne? Did you hear what he just said?”
“Yes I did” she says standing up and putting her hands in her waist.
“Why are you so calm then?”
“I don’t see the reason for this outburst. Harry just told me something personal and important; he needs my support Robin not a scream match”
“Support? What he needs is someone to hit some sense into his head” I see my mom’s eyes widen.
“There’s nothing wrong with being gay, he doesn’t need sense, he needs support”
“You know it’s wrong, why are you accepting this so lightly?”
“If I don’t care if someone else is gay, do you think I’ll care if it’s my son? I love my son, I love him for who he is” Robin looked like someone just slapped him. He looks at me angrily.
“You are going to hell” he said simply “You and all those other sinners are all going to hell. And here I thought you were a good kid…” I just look at him, unable to say anything. I hear my mother yell his name and start the biggest screaming match I’ve ever experienced. I stand up, wanting to escape this and hide in my room once again. But Robin saw me and pulled me hard by the arm before I could escape.
“Where do you think you are going? You and I need to have a chat”
“You are not having any chats” said my mom angrily
“I have to do something! Maybe I can convince him to be normal!”
“You are not trying to change my son!” she yells
“Well then he might just leave altogether because I’m not having a fag living under my same roof! I don’t want sinners around!”
“Did you know that homophobia is a sin?” I find myself screaming.
“YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!” he yells and yanks my arm. My mom pushes him and for a second then I think he is going to shove her away so I push him and yell “DO NOT TOUCH MY MUM” he swings at me and punches me in the face.
“You do NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! GET THE FUCK OUT AND DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU ARE A FUCKING NORMAL KID AGAIN!” so I left the house. I didn’t even have time to catch my jacket. I heard my mom yelling my name but I didn’t stop walking, I just moved farther and farther away from the house. That was exactly why I never told anyone any secrets.
*+*+*+*
The 17th - Harry
“You are dunk” I say
“Oh Harry I thought I was never going to see you again” he says wrapping his fingers on my neck.
“Come one Lou, let’s get you to bed” I suddenly feel very paternal towards him. He looks tired, with bags underneath his eyes and his skin doesn’t look as flawless and smooth as always.
I guide him inside his apartment. The first thing I notice is the usual mess, he never cleans anything. The mess bothers me, it always has, but I never feel so comfortable anywhere else.
“Harry!!” Louis says clinging to my arm. “I missed you! I missed you so much! I’m so sorry” he says quickly, I try not to pay attention to him. This is drunk Louis, sober Louis would never say this. I walk him towards the bathroom and throw some cold water in his face. His hand is indeed bleeding. I clean it, ignoring his complaints and completely unnecessary comment of how good I look in brown.
“How much did you have to drink?” I say suddenly annoyed
“A tiny bit” he says and laughs, as if this is something normal, drinking by himself at two in the morning when he has class the next morning.
“Why are you drinking at this time?” I ask as I guide him to his bedroom.
“’Cause I missed you Harry, and I wished you came and it hurt but then, look, you came!” I try to brush the words off but they manage to sneak in. That couldn’t be completely false. I concentrate on getting him into the bed in spite of his complaints and move the words to the back of my head. I can’t let myself believe again that maybe he does miss me. If I let myself go down that hole I’m never coming back up again.
I tuck him into the bed; he looks up at me with sleepy eyes and then gasps. He places a hand on my neck and pulls my head closer.
“What happened?” he traces the purplish skin underneath my eye.
“Fell in the bathtub, you know how clumsy I am” I laughed a little. “Now go to sleep, we’ll talk in the morning” I say pulling away. He pulls my head closer to his face. “Stay with me” he says in a low voice. I can feel my stomach dropping and my blood running at least a thousand times faster. My cheeks burn and I just wish he was really asking me this; that sober colorful caring Louis was asking me to sleep by his side.
“Good night Lou” I say and place a kiss in his forehead. He closes his eyes and drops his hand, as if he just surrendered. I turn the light off and walk towards the couch thinking that maybe I shouldn’t stay over. It’s not like he gave me permission to, but when I look out the window it’s snowing, I can’t go sleep in the snow. I decide to clean a little then. I get bags from the kitchen and start picking up clothes and garbage. There are boxes of pizza, boxes of Chinese food and a lot of bottles of beer and vodka. I wipe the surfaces and clean the couches and then move on to the kitchen. There’s a broken bottle of vodka on the floor against a wall and some blood on the floor. I pick up the glass and clean the blood off the floor. I do the dishes, clean the counters, mop the floor. Everything’s clean but I look for more.
Tears come by my eyes again. I feel so frustrated I might start screaming as I rub the stove until it shines. At least Louis will have clean apartment when he wakes up. I take my phone out and text my mom a quick “I’m okay. I’m staying over at Liam’s xx” and walk to the couch. It’s cold and I don’t have a blanket but I know it can be worse outside so I curl up on the old couch and hope to get some sleep.
I’m glad you are okay. I’m so sorry baby. My mom texts back. I know she is sorry, but what else could she expect. And I am sorry too by the way, because apparently you can’t control who you are and who you fall in love with.
The 17th -Louis
The light coming from the window is too bright, way too bright. Even with my eyes closed I can see the light in the room. My head hurts so much it feels like a bus ran over me. What the bloody hell? My room smells like coffee and eggs and just the nice smell of breakfast. But who could be making breakfast if I live alone? I open my eyes and they burn as the strong light hits them. “Fuuuck”, I mutter as I get up. My head is pounding and my lips are dry. I should be worried that someone broke into the house but I can find myself to care, it feels kind of warm…
I walk outside stepping on the floor lightly. I feel disoriented for a second when I reach the living room. It looks like my apartment, that’s my TV and those are my shoes. But everything is clean and shiny. What the hell happened here? I walk in the living room and hear a soft humming of The Man Who Can’t be Moved and I don’t even have to go into the kitchen to know who that voice belongs to.
Harry. I catch myself just in time before I let out something that would have sounded like a whimper. My body shakes a little and I want to start running again in the opposite direction of where that voice is coming from. But I find myself walking forward, taking doubtful steps towards the guillotine.
He is leaning over the stove, flipping some eggs. My stomach lurches and my jaw drops. I stare at the muscles in his back as they flex underneath the thin material of his tee and I feel I might faint right there. His hair is pointing in all directions, as luscious and smooth-looking as always; he is wearing grey sweatpants that fit him perfectly in the right places and he is barefoot. Harry is barefoot, in my house, making breakfast, why? I force myself to push down the sudden urge to wrap my arms around him and kiss his neck, it feels so foreign, I don’t usually like touching people, but this is Harry. He turns around the second I step in the kitchen. His deep green eyes consuming every little amount of self control I have left. The skin underneath his left eye is turning purple, as if someone punched him. And I suddenly want to punch the person that did it, you don’t punch Harry Styles, you just don’t. I feel suddenly aware of my facial expression and try to pull in a smile after swallowing dryly.
“Morning?” I say and laugh a little. My head feels as if it may explode and I flinch
“Are you okay?” he asks suddenly worried. I smile in my insides. You see, he’ll always care about you. I hush my head and move towards the cabinets to get a cup for coffee.
“My head is killing me” I say
“I’ve heard hangovers make that happen” he says and goes back to the eggs. “You can sit down, breakfast will be ready in a second”
I nod even though he is not looking at me because I am too consumed by his profile. I breathe deeply and tear my eyes away from his perfect nose. I sit in the little table, in the opposite side of where the stove is so I can look at him. He puts sausages and eggs on two plates and takes a cup off the counter. He places two toasts on each plate and then puts mine in front of me. The nausea in my stomach goes out immediately.
“Thank you” I say. He sits in front of me at the other side of the small table. He shakes his head, dropping his eyes towards his plate.
“I’m the one who should thank you… even though you technically didn’t know I was here last night” I laugh a little and he looks up at me. I wish he wouldn’t, because I can’t help but seeing the same look he gave me the last time we saw each other over and over again. Now his eyes look quiet and soft, but I can see that there’s something bothering him
“No, I should thank you! What happen to this place? I almost thought I was in someone else’s apartment when I came out of bed” I say laughing
“I was bored… so I just cleaned some” he takes a bite off his food and I swallow. How can someone make every little thing so hot and incredible?
“Uhh…. when you came last night… I was drunk, right?” I say nervously. He shakes his head.
“Too early in the morning for this” he says without looking up and eats some more. I start eating too. I feel tired and my head is pounding, I need to take some medication and take a shower. He is right; it is too early in the morning to talk about this.
***
I am the human personification of a maze. At least that’s what every person that meets me says.
As Harry finishes his breakfast I can’t help but sneak curious glances at him. I want to know what happened, why is he here, why is his face bruised, why won’t he talk to me about it. I feel like absolute shit. He would have never come here if it wasn’t a big deal, not after what happened the last time he came, the reason I was drinking so heavily at 1 a.m. on my own.
Harry looks up once in a while and when his eyes meet mine they back away shyly. I can’t even imagine how he might be feeling right now. I want to ask. I want to apologize so badly but he shut me up once already and I can’t.
“Have you taken a shower?” I ask suddenly. He shakes his head.
“Didn’t bring any clothes”
“Don’t be silly Haz, you can borrow anything of mine” I smile at him. It’s not like he hasn’t worn anything mine before. I remember clearly an afternoon we were trying to bake some cookies and got all dirty after having a chocolate fight. He had worn one of my t-shirts and looked beautiful in it. He is so beautiful, that’s something I can agree with my head on.
“Thanks Lou” he says, still looking down. “Do you mind if I go take a shower now?” I shake my head and smile
“I’ll do the dishes” I walk towards my room and pick out a towel and hand it to him. He takes it and walks to the bathroom slowly. I go pick out some clothes for him. I can hear the water in the shower running and my thoughts diverge. The image of a naked Harry in the shower fills my head and I try to wipe it off before I start having trouble somewhere else. I leave him a pair of sweats, new underwear and a t-shirt on top of my bed and go to the kitchen to do the dishes. I hate doing dishes but it’s my house and it’s the least I could do after Harry cleaned everything. The kitchen was spotless, every inch of it shining.
“These pants are so short” I hear him saying as he appears in the kitchen again after a while. The sweats are above his ankles.
“You are taller than me, what did you expect!”
“Are you going to shower?” I nod “Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah” I try to hide the blush in my cheeks. I am embarrassed by the state in which he found me. I can’t even remember clearly but I know I must have said something out of line, I always do. I walk by him but he takes me by the wrist and turns me around.
“Thank you for the clothes” I nod again, swallowing dryly.
“You’re welcome” I say, I take a deep breath. “I’ll take a shower and then we’ll talk okay?” he looks at me with fear in his eyes but he nods
“Okay”
I step into the cold shower and let the water calm my burning skin. I need to clear my head. I have a lot to apologize for, a lot to explain, but I also have questions. Harry was never mysterious; he has always been an open book to me and everyone else. Even before he realized he had a crush on me, I knew it. I saw it in his eyes. But I never asked because I didn’t know what to do. Yes, I like him. I’ve liked him for a while now, I realized it one day when I was sick. I was thrown in bed feeling miserable and he came to my flat after class and stayed with me. He sat next to me on a chair and stayed up with me until my fever and pain left. He had an important test the next day and yet he stayed.
He is my best friend, and had been since the day I met him. Liam had a small get together in his family house and he was there. They went to high school together and were starting at the college I go to. I met Liam at a uni workshop. He is a very smart guy. Harry and I became friends very easily. He is easy to talk to, funny and knows how to have a good time. I remember how shy he was at first but slowly opened up to me. I am two years older than him but our friendship felt very balanced. Until I started staring little longer, feeling things in my stomach when he came too close, wanting to spend too much time with him; he didn’t know it and I managed to ruin everything. He noticed I was pulling away slowly. I think that’s what made him realize what he felt. He was about to tell me that last time we saw each other, I saw it in his eyes.
“Can I charge my phone?” Harry’s voice caught me off guard. I pick up the shirt from my bed and turn around. He is looking at me with wide eyes. He’s never been good at hiding his emotions. He flushes and raises the hand that is holding his phone.
“Sure” I put my shirt on and take the phone out of his hand.
“Thank you” he says and stands there awkwardly as I plug the phone in.
“Let’s go sit down” I say pointing towards the door. He nods and walks in front of me towards the living room. He sits on the couch and puts his feet up. I sit next to him, not too close, facing him.
“I can’t see your face” I say
“That’s kind of the point” he smiles but then turn sideways, rests his shoulder against the back of the couch. We look at each other for a second. Now that I finally have the chance to talk to him I don’t know how to start.
“It was Robin” he says suddenly and points to his face. “He punched me”
“Why?”
“He heard me telling my mom that I’m… gay” he takes a deep breath; I already knew he was but I guess it’s hard for him still. “They got into a discussion, you know how he is, and then he turned to me. My mum defended me and I thought he was going to shove her so I pushed him and yelled at him and he threw me out” I look at him surprised, one thing was to get angry about it, but to throw him out? That was completely unnecessary.
“I’m so sorry” he shrugs
“I had to get out of there sooner or later” he sighs “I was just hoping for a little more time to save more money”
“But, did he really throw you, throw you? You are not going back?”
“Even if he didn’t mean it I wouldn’t go back. He is a homophobic; he’ll make my life a living hell” He falls silent
“You can stay here” I say after a few seconds. “You can move in with me”
“I can’t Louis, I just got a job and I have no savings”
“You don’t have to pay me” I say quickly
“I’m not going to live off of you” he says looking directly into my eyes, so intensively. I want to say I want exactly that but I bite my tongue.
“Then pay me when you can. I’m serious Harry; I’m not leaving you without place to stay. You have no money to live in school, plus I could use some company, it’s always so lonely in here” I say before I can catch myself. And it’s true, I do get lonely a lot.
“I don’t know if living with you will be a good idea” I can sense pain in his voice. He looks down and starts playing with his fingers.
“I guess this is where I get to come in and say I’m sorry” he looks up, suddenly surprised.
“For what?”
“Running away” this time I look down “and how you found me last night….”
“I… it’s okay” I look now. His eyes look softer and I can see he is trying to keep himself together.
“Did I say anything?”
“Just that you got drunk cause it hurt and you wanted me to come back and then you drank and then I did… you said… you said you missed me”
“I do” my voice sounds weak, almost like a broken whisper.
“You do?” he sounds surprised. I nod “You ran away” I nod again.
“Fuck Harry I don’t know what the hell I am feeling! I saw it in your eyes, I knew what you wanted to say but couldn’t, I… when you leant in to kiss me I freaked out and believe me when I tell you that from the moment I ran away I’ve regretted it”
“Why?”
“Because you make me feel the things I don’t want to feel, the things I don’t let myself feel”
“You can’t just let yourself feel something, you just feel it Lou”
“But I just… I’m not stable enough to be in a relationship, I’m not stable enough even to paste my permanent sticky notes anywhere…” Harry chuckles a little, but I am serious. I don’t feel comfortable settling and falling into routines. “How can I give you what you need when I can’t even take care of myself Haz?”
“I’m not asking you for anything” he says looking right into my eyes. “I know how you are, I understand it, I do, and I’m willing to walk the race at your pace as long as I’m next to you. That’s all I wanted to say last time” I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes.
“Why?” I ask this time, almost whispering, not wanting to break the moment. He shrugs.
“It’s just how you make me feel, I don’t understand it. I feel so free and able to do all the things I want to do and when you are next to me I feel like I’m completely bulletproof, yet my insides are tender and every time you smile I smile back without even thinking. I can have the worst day of my life but if I see the crinkles in your eyes when you smile and I’m okay. You take the weight off my shoulders, you inspire me to write the best works I’ve written in months, you just… you make me feel accepted and normal and you are just so beautiful” I blush “you see” he smiles and I can’t help but smile back “you are so beautiful” he says more serious this time.
“But I am a mess” my voice breaks. I want nothing more than to accept every word without questioning but there is the doubtful part of my mind not letting me enjoy anything. “I’m too broken, too complex”
“I’ll help you get the glue” I shake my head and laugh a little, he makes the worst jokes. “You know, that’s what I like the most about you”
“What?”
“That you are complex… that is not one layer and that’s it. Its layer after layer after layer and you don’t pull them out for anyone, not even for me, I have to work to pull them down”
“I’m sorry” I say
“But that’s what I love about you” he smiles again. We fall into silence and our eyes take the moment to run over each other’s faces. Harry is so beautiful it hurts me; his eyes look at me as if I was worth something, as if I was a gift. He extends his hand towards me and takes mine into his. I’m not the kind of person who likes to be touched, at all, but Harry has always been the exception. He wraps his fingers around mine and they feel okay there. I don’t want to pull back and that’s new.
“Holding my hand but setting me free” I quote from one of his poems.
“Indeed” he has the biggest grin I’ve seen in his face, probably happy I even remembered that poem he showed me a while ago, I smile again.
“Can we start over?” I look at him confused. “We were pretending we didn’t feel anything for each other this entire time… Can we just start over?” I nod, tears slipping from my eyes. I just can’t believe it, I can’t believe the fact that I feel this way towards someone and that someone feels the same. I can’t believe its Harry, who has seen me in my worst days and still looked at me the same. I can’t believe someone understands that everything is not black and white and that those shades of grey are a part of me and they are hard to decipher.
“Yes please” I say smiling.
“Hi” he says smiling “I’m Harry Styles, I’m in love with words and poetry and music, I like cats and I have a thing for blue eyes”
“Hi I’m Louis Tomlinson” I pause to laugh, this is silly “I don’t know anything but the fact that green eyes make me swoon like a teenage girl with a crush” Harry blushes
“Nice to meet you Louis”
“The pleasure is all mine, Harry”