Work Text:
I had done something stupid. I spent a million days rewinding time, just to fix the little things i found slightly inconvenient, although I have had darker days. This time, I’m not sure whether I should regret it or not.
The heavy rain pouring heavily outside my bedroom window wasn’t making this situation any less uneasy.
I felt uncomfortable in my own seat, tapping my pen against the wooden desk. If I hit it a little harder, this table could snap in half.
Before the individual was even at my doorstep, I could sense the anger within the person. As I predicted, the angry slams against the front door were growing progressively louder. I quickly got out of my seat by the desk, leaving my bedroom to answer the door.
I gently open the door
Toritsuka, he’s at my door. His fists trembling, the cold rain tumbling down onto him made this more uncomfortable for him. He didn’t invite himself in, but kept himself outside.
“You erased my memories.” Toritsuka bit out. Toritsuka’s eyes sharpened.
“You might take me for somebody below you, but I am not as stupid as you think I am.” He choked on almost each and every word he spoke, while his hands were basically performing a separate monologue
My eyes widened by half a millimeter, which is basically the same as me collapsing. “I know you aren’t stupid, Toritsuka.”
Toritsuka’s hands brush themselves up and down, in an attempt to warm himself under the pouring rain.
“The ghosts told me, they showed me.” He started to grow more passive aggressive by the simple seconds that passed by.
“You erased—” Toritsuka swallowed the lump in his throat, “the moment I told you that I like you.”
It fell to silence that very moment. Nothing other than the rain filling in the empty.
“You shouldn't be here.” I responded, but right as I was about to close the door, I felt myself slipping into a deeper state of guilt.
Toritsuka’s hand immediately threw itself onto the bare door, preventing it from blocking any sort of physical contact.
“Do you know how messed up that is?! I put myself out there for once, and you just deleted it, as if it didn’t ever matter!”
What was there to say? I couldn't defend myself in this situation, because I know I’m wrong.
I don’t know why I was so nervous, maybe I do, but I just don’t want to accept it.
The silent throbbing my heart continuously danced in an impatient rhythm, almost like … I was waiting for something more to happen. I messed up, and this is the consequence.
Toritsuka snapped his fingers in my face, “Talk! Damn it, talk!” I hesitated, but soon enough, my hand gently pulled onto his.
“The rain is hitting my floorboards.” I took him indoors with slight force, as I could tell he got immediate warmth, he was able to relax for a second.
Toritsuka was unable to look me in the eye for a moment. His hands rubbing up against his arms for more warmth, continuing to hold himself.
“Toritsuka,” I called out his name, “I’m sorry, that was reckless of me.”
…
“I’ve never felt this way before.” My eyebrows furrowed by a fraction, but it was enough to show the disappointment in me.
I noticed the pupils in Toritsuka’s eyes dilated, watching me collapse into something more vulnerable.
Toritsuka gritted his teeth, “Saiki,” the atmosphere tightened around us two. “You don’t have to wipe away the feelings I have for you, just because you felt like it was inconvenient.”
I can’t be silent forever. At one point in my life, I'll have to open up.
“It’s not because I wanted to erase your feelings, specifically, but it was to wipe away my own.”
The air around me, specifically, started to tighten around my lungs.
It was getting harder to breathe, and all of this was very new to me. In a way, I felt human for once.
Toritsuka’s mind went blank for a second or two. He was slowly becoming unreadable, more than before. This situation was nothing that I've ever experienced before, definitely nothing I was prepared for.
Especially admitting to myself that I have feelings for a boy, for somebody I would never have expected.
Toritsuka forced down every word he was about to say. Not one of us had anything else to say, except that we have both confessed to one another. “Don’t you even dare to try and erase this too.” He demanded.
This sounds nothing like me at all, or maybe I’m just changing as a person.
“It’s hard to tell if you even consider us—” he grimaced “as friends.” Toritsuka didn’t even seem angry anymore, his demeanor shifted in a gloomy manner.
I forced myself to face him. I could feel the guilt grow within me each second passing by.
…
Suddenly, the world was bright again. The birds were chirping, it’s like time had rewind backwards.
Because it did, because I’m not ready to face it, to admit I feel the same, maybe never.
Maybe one day, I’ll stop being such a coward and finally accept his feelings… and my own.