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He wished Aldo had picked another date.
It was their fourth year in seminary, and Aldo still hosted dinner dates and get-togethers with his friends back at the apartment they shared. Giulio had often wondered why Aldo bothered taking them here, when he could've gone with them for coffee or sat on the terrace outside. Especially when he brought over his Englishman 'best friend', and his roommate, a disheveled older man who had a silver streak in his hair.
Why’d they have to be here? Not outside? He glared at the blond on the couch, his couch. Just another day when he would come home to a pretty, tall blond with striking blue eyes on the couch while Aldo, his beloved roommate, droned on about his day.
He doesn't care about you. He's just using you. Giulio bitterly muttered under his breath, taking a puff of his cigarette. Annoying. Aldo's friends were annoying. Couldn't he have picked anyone else? Not a posh Englishman, or a noisy, obvious countryman? He frowned, still stuck inside. Fuck them.
It didn't help that he felt like he wasn't talking to him as much anymore. Sure, Giulio had his faults. He got angry pretty fast, he spent all his money on cigarettes, he couldn't keep his nose out of others' business, and he stunk like an ashtray. Aldo once told him he was too 'possessive' over his friends, and Giulio didn't understand what he meant. He wasn’t jealous. Can’t a man look after his best friend?
"I know an Irishman who can move those boxes, Aldo. If you want." Thomas said, grabbing his attention from inside.
A large box sat by the entryway to their kitchen. Inside were parts of their new dining table that needed to be set up, but neither of them had the energy to move it, nor the time. It was supposed to have been set up weeks ago, but with how busy they were with classes and whatnot, it sat rotting by the entranceway.
"Sure. Send him over anytime." Aldo reassured, a closed-lipped smile making the ends of his eyes crinkle.
Great. Another presence that Giulio had to torture himself with.
Turns out, the Irishman was good at lifting things. Giulio almost tripped over his feet, looking up at his stature.
He was tall, head hitting the door frame, with blue grey eyes, and a rosacea colored face with freckles dotting his cheeks. He had a wide frame, barely fitting the vestments he was in. His hands were big, large enough to fit around Giulio's head and spike it like a rugby ball. He wasn't surprised to find out later he played on the side.
He came to lift the box, helping take it apart while he stirred up conversation with Aldo and Thomas. Giulio was off to the side, peering from the hallway. Was he scared to talk? Of course not, the man's size had nothing to do with it. More like, there was something that made him hesitant to get to know him. Nothing that was wrong with him; more like a sense that Giulio needed to confront.
As he was screwing in one of the table legs though, he glanced up in Giulio's vicinity and seemed to be looking for something. Something. Until he found it, blue eyes landing directly at him.
They both stayed there, eyes locked on each other, as both Thomas and Aldo started having their own conversations. He scanned Giulio's entire body, starting from his head to his toes, and back up at him, lips forming into a small smile. He gave a simple wave.
Giulio wasn't proud to say that he ran off, hiding in his room and sitting in front of his bed. He didn't mean to; there was just something about the man that prompted him to run. Run and hide, as if he were terrified of being perceived. What was he, a child? He took a deep breath, fingers rapping on the floor.
It took a while for him to come out, and by the time he did, Ray was gone. The dining table was all set up, so he did what he had to do and left. There was a small feeling in his gut, like he missed something. Not because he forgot, oh no. Like the feeling one gets when they lose an opportunity.
But what was that opportunity? A way for him to make friends? Talk? Nonsense. He barely knew him, and the man wouldn't want to talk to someone who scurried off like a frightened rabbit. Besides, there wasn't anything he could offer him; he didn’t know that many important people on campus, and his father only provided income for food and rent.
Giulio sighed, heading back to his room, digging for a cigarette. It wouldn't hurt to ask Aldo to smoke with him.
"He's coming again?" Giulio groaned, propping his head up in his palm, elbow deep in his bible, open to the Psalms.
"Stop whining, Giu." Aldo rolled his eyes, pouring himself a cup of coffee. It was three in the afternoon, but he never let go of his habit of drinking coffee and milk after classes. It disgusted Giulio. "He's coming with Thomas, and besides I think I owe him for building our dining table."
"I could've done it!"
"No, you couldn't." He shook his head. "You would've complained the entire time and thrown all the pieces out."
Giulio sneered. "No, I wouldn't. Don't assume things you don't know."
"Well, okay then. What have you built before?"
He thought about it. There was a bat house back home that he had handcrafted, with scraps of wood. The purpose behind it was silly; he read Dracula as a child and thought he could capture a bat in hopes it'd be a vampire.
There was also a bird box that he stuck with wood glue. He hung it outside his windowsill, wishing it would attract robins that he could watch, and have babies.
"A bat house." He said as a matter of fact, crossing his arms. "And a bird house too."
Aldo looked amused. "What about furniture?"
"They count."
"To who? The bats?"
Giulio opened his mouth to stubbornly say he knew how to pick up a hammer and drive a nail home, but Aldo raised a hand. "Nevermind. But it's already been settled. They're coming over. Maybe this time you can muster the courage to talk to him."
He scoffed, "I don't need to."
Aldo took a sip of his latte. Just the sight of the tan colored liquid, and the scent of milk mixed up with coffee made him internally gag. "You know it's good to have friends, Giulio. I can't be the only one you get along with."
I don't need anyone else. They're just gonna get in my way. He thought, bitterly. The loneliness of not having anyone to talk to made him feel like a madman at odd hours of the night, when he eavesdropped on Aldo and Thomas talking about intimate affairs. About their past lovers, their sexuality, the open secret Aldo had with Giulio where he'd go to bars and pick up men who struggled with their own internal struggles. He wondered when he'd get to have those types of conversations with someone he wished that wasn't his own head.
As he watched the rainfall outside, hitting the cobblestone steps, the scene of coffee calmed him.
Days later, they sat around the table while Giulio skulked in the kitchen, fetching a glass of water. They had bottles of wine, but they only used them for special occasions.
Wouldn't this count as one? It was certainly a struggle for him not to lash out for once, say something snarky to Thomas or Aldo, and now, to the strange Irishman who seemed close to the blond. Giulio now noticed underneath the copper-tinted glasses, different from the blocky ones that he sometimes used.
"And then when we came back, the candles were gone. I thought, 'maybe we ran out', but Father Michael said we were fine." Thomas recounted the story of when he was still in the UK. "When he got assigned somewhere — I don't know where, all the candles mysteriously stopped disappearing."
"Missing candles, huh? Looks like it's a cause for the Vatican to start investigating." Aldo chuckled, hiding his smile behind a glass of wine. "Wonder what happened to them."
Giulio paid him half of his attention. His fingers clasped around his glass, ignoring any look anyone could've given him.
"Maybe he was trading candles for wine," The Irishman said, a giggle in his voice. “Wouldn't be the first time. I knew a guy who brought back indulgences under the table so he could have extra booze.”
Even Giulio had to admit he laughed too, quietly behind his hand. When he looked back up, he saw that the man was locked onto him, as if trying to make him laugh. And judging by his smirk, he succeeded.
An uneasy feeling surfaced in his chest, clenching as he looked away. The idea of him trying to cheer him up did something to his body that made him want to hide again. So, he did that, slinking away to the bathroom.
He leaned over the sink, inspecting his face, grimacing at the sight of fresh bumps. He needed to do another testosterone shot soon, right in the side of his thigh. Giulio got used to it in the first few years he started taking hormones when he was thirteen, dealing with acne and a deepening voice. But the sting of the needle still made him shake, even after he got over the initial fear of sticking himself.
His older brother Vanya used to help him before he got arrested after he turned sixteen. His father wouldn't tell him why he got put away, until his sister let it slip that he tried to stab someone. Stabbing? He remembered thinking at the time. Vanya? Stabbing someone? What for?
He discovered from the trial that it was his father. That he stabbed him in a jealous rage, and he was sent away for a decade. But why? Vanya would've never tried to kill him; he wasn't that type of person. But with all the power and influence he wielded, it wouldn't surprise him if his father pulled some strings. After Giulio came out, he didn't need Vanya anymore. He only adopted him for convenience when Giulio's mother couldn't produce an ‘heir.'
Still, whether his father had any hand in his conviction, it didn't matter. He hadn't heard from him for a while, except that his parole date is in a few months. He sent a letter saying he wanted to attend, but he told him not to come. That he didn't want Giulio involved in whatever business he got himself into.
He scooped some water into his palm, washing his face when a tall shape appeared at the door frame in the mirror. He turned around in shock, only to be relieved over who it was. Thomas' Irishman.
"Sorry for scaring you," He sheepishly said. "I saw you a couple of times, but I don't think I got your name…?"
Giulio froze. Several things come together in his head at once. First, did he still want to talk? Why else would he be standing here, Giulio. Second, did he not know who he was? Ever since the first day, people knew he was a Sabbadin. They knew him from photos, and his name even being tossed around, got people to recognize. So maybe this man didn't know from a photo.
"Giulio Sabbadin." He said, watching his reaction. The man gave a friendly smile, as if he were meeting a stranger, and not a celebrity. Did he truly not know?
"That's a nice name." He reached out his hand to shake. "I'm Raymond O'Malley. I just transferred in this year."
Ah, so that's why. Still, it was a relief from the usual look he got from his fellow seminarians. Raymond didn't have a bias as he met him. Didn't know how damaging his father's politics were in a newer era; how it might've worked back in the day, but now not at all. He shook his hand, surprised at how soft and warm they were.
"I know, I use hand lotion a lot. My palms get sweaty too, sorry." He nervously laughed, as if reading his mind. "What year are you in?"
It took Giulio a moment to answer. He wasn't particularly good at social interactions, always having a monotone voice and barely having any facial expressions. It didn't help being a senator's son either, having cameras in his face since he was a child, with those photos disappearing several years later. But he cleared his throat. "Fourth." A pause. "I've been here a while."
"I can tell." That same smirk graced his features again. "You seem to know your way around campus."
How'd he know that? "I do, yes."
Ray hummed, leaning more into the bathroom. "Hm. And since you do, I'm guessing I'll see you around then?"
The thought of bumping into him out in the wild let out butterflies in his stomach. But he nodded, trying not to let his emotions show too much. "Perhaps. If you're west of campus, maybe."
"I'll take note of that." He played with the zipper in his jacket. Giulio just noticed that. "I'd better get back to Thomas."
He didn't know why, but the mention of the other man's name ticked him off. Why did he have to get back? Couldn't he stay? He had to deal with the same exact thing with Aldo; was he serious?
But he let him go, knowing full well they’d probably get to talking again. It still annoyed him to no end, though.
He saw Ray on campus.
Giulio wasn't seeking him out, no. No matter how much he tried to tell himself he wasn't, he ended up on the exact opposite end of where his classes usually were. On his way there, at the crack of Christ, he saw that there was a group of exchange students eating at a table across from the courtyard. This must've been where the new transfers were coming in.
'Perhaps. If you're west of campus, maybe.' Ray would've been at the east. Would he be here?
Unlikely. With how early it was, he was probably still in his studies. If he wasn't by Thomas' side.
Thomas. How wretched of a name.
He sat down on one of the benches, itching for a smoke. Being up this early with just espresso in his belly made him woozy. If Aldo were awake, he'd push him to eat more, like an exasperated nonna. Still, it wouldn't hurt to smoke, not when there weren't that many people around.
As he reached down for it, however, a man sat down next to him. His nerves flared with irritation, and right as he opened his mouth, his voice caught in his throat.
"Looks like I caught you right in time!" Raymond grinned, seemingly unaware of how startled Giulio looked. "I hope you're not going to class right after this?"
The man coughed, trying to calm himself down. What is this feeling? He shakily returned his smile, reverting to his normal scowling expression. "No. I have time."
"Oh, good." He lightly laughed, and it made Giulio's heart skip a beat. "Finally, we can talk without any of our friends interrupting us."
Was he talking about Thomas? "Really? Does he stalk you around?" He caught sight of some books Ray held in his other arm. "What're those?"
Ray set them in his lap. "Oh, they're just books I checked out of the library. There's a wide array here!"
Giulio leaned over to look at each one as Ray explained. Feynman's lectures on physics, St. Therese's Story of a Soul, The Philokalia – a rare one for him, and–
"You're reading The Name of the Rose?!" Giulio exclaimed, too loudly for him to hear. He looked around, quieting down his excitement. "… I think it's the same book I checked out. Does it have dog ears in the middle?"
Ray didn’t seem to mind his outburst, opening up the book and surely enough finding several pages with marked folds in the corners. "It seems so. I'm surprised they let you take it back, the librarian back home would've charged you."
"They did." He shifted around. He remembered the day he was reading through it, constantly having to stop in the middle because he was overwhelmed. Months ago, Aldo kept bothering him about the book, wanting to read it himself. And between switching from the both of them, with Aldo being civilized and using a bookmark, to Giulio dog-earing the page. It was quickly worn out.
But it remained Giulio's favorite book. He couldn't remember the last time he was left speechless, other than finishing The Brothers Karamazov.
"It's very good. You should finish it – and ignore my annotations on the side." He pointed to the corners, with tiny lettering and highlighted words. The librarian did indeed charge him a hefty price.
"I see! I'll take your suggestion for it." Ray closed the book, setting it on top of the others. The small gesture tickled something in Giulio's chest.
"I can't remember feeling changed from a book. It's stupid to say, I'm sorry." He flushed, looking away. Suddenly, the shame of opening his mouth in public made him want to hide. If he got to talking about his interests, he wouldn’t shut up.
"It's not dumb. I think more people should expand their horizons more, to be honest." Ray shrugged. "Speaking of reading things that stick with you. Do you read sci-fi?"
Giulio can't say he does. He has a hard time suspending belief when reading fiction, not to mention his brain turning to mush when anything scientific is involved. "No, I don't. Why?"
"Oh, good. I can ramble." Ray chuckled, the sound of which was still doing something to Giulio's brain. What the hell is this feeling?
"Since you liked The Name of the Rose, I might recommend Isaac Asimov's Robot trilogy, since they’re mysteries. Basically, a man gets murdered outside his home after he talks about loosening restrictions of robots – in a very strict robot society – and they have to figure out who did it." He took a breath. "He also wrote short stories, in case you don't wanna read a full book."
Giulio had to be honest, he wasn't the least bit interested. But he nodded along. Only he was lost on something. "… Asimov? The scientist who discovered gravity? I didn’t know he wrote science fiction.”
Ray bit his lip, attempting to keep a straight face. But the corners of his mouth switched, and Giulio realized he was trying to keep in his laughs. "That's Newton."
He blushed, a wave of embarrassment hitting him hard. Jesus, Giulio. Now you have him laughing at you. Anything he says now will be discredited.
"Never mind, I'm sorry." He tried getting up, attempting to save face. "I should be going now-"
"Hey, wait!" Ray grabbed his thin wrist. Giulio's heart raced at the contact, breath hitching in his throat. "I thought you didn't have classes?"
"I– Well, I don't but-" He stuttered, knowing he didn't have an excuse.
Ray's expression morphed into something that he perceived as sadness, and the inside of his thoughts screamed that he ruined it. He made Ray upset. This is why he doesn't put in the effort to make friends. Not only does his family name guarantee that his relationships don't last long, but he just can’t help fucking up the ones he already has. It’s a miracle Aldo still gave him as many chances as he did. All out of pity.
"It's just-" He tried to explain. Then he let it all out. "I don’t know why you’re talking to me. Here you are, knowing so much about this, knowing more than me, and here I am looking so stupid. I can't remember the last time I read. I finished The Name of the Rose months ago, and I haven't picked up a book besides my bible, and what I've been assigned since. You're reading physics for fun!" He said, tiredly. "How can I ever say anything with substance ever again? What if you think I'm stupid!"
Ray listened, but this time he nodded and looked to the side. Giulio thought he said something dumb once again and ruined whatever chance he had at friendship, when the other man shook his head, smiling.
"You worry what I think about you too much." He sighed, standing up. "C'mon. There's a nook at the library I wanna show you. Maybe the space’ll help you read there."
Giulio thought he was joking. Showing him a special area where he could read? He was about to refuse, shaking his head, when Ray’s hands held his in a gentle grip.
"I insist. Why don't we try reading together, then?"
It's not like he has anything to do after this. Giulio hesitated, but eventually accepted once he was dragged along.
Months had passed, and Giulio was sitting down with Ray in their living room while the man was immersed in whatever novella was playing. He could barely understand it, but their facial expressions and actions spoke. He was scooted closer than before, knees brushing as he leaned on his shoulder.
They'd grown closer. When Giulio talked about his family, it earned a look of sadness from the man. He's never told anyone about his childhood, or about his brother, so he expected that reaction of a sort. In turn, Ray told Giulio about his mother; about how his father died when he was a child, leaving him with two sisters and a brother he didn't speak to. His mother, Rose, raised all four of them on a meager salary, and he spent most of his childhood on his grandfather's farm.
It gave him whiplash hearing about Ray having to hunt his own food. He described the process of butchering a rabbit, and Giulio felt his stomach turn. He wouldn't be able to do any of that, especially if he was living alone. The concept of taking a life made him feel an immense amount of guilt. That's why, partially, he was thinking of joining the Franciscans. That, and he was just getting used to the vow of poverty he was already down the path on.
Then, one night, Giulio exploded on Aldo after he dropped their plans to go to dinner with Thomas’ roommate, leaving him out in the streets, alone. As he looked for a sign, any sign that he wasn't alone in this world, he saw Ray. Sitting on the same bench eating a snack, as if waiting for someone to approach.
And he did, with a tear-streaked face and red eyes. The man pulled him into a hug that he never wanted to end, and offered his place for that night.
"Hey, Ray?" He turned to look at the man.
"Hmm?" He returned Giulio's gaze.
There it was. The butterflies. He blushed, focusing on the ground in front of them.
"I think… You make me feel…" He couldn't finish. The fear of him taking this badly caught the words in his throat.
But Ray wasn't having it. "Make you feel…?" He tilted his head.
"It's stupid. Forget it." He stood up abruptly, heading to the kitchen for water. Just to flush everything down.
As he did, however, Ray stood up as well, following him like a puppy. "Like what?" He questioned again, not accepting his avoidance. Giulio should've known Ray wouldn't just let it go, his face expecting an answer. Leave me alone.
He shouldn’t get close to him. Giulio will explode on him like he did Aldo, and he’ll end up on the streets, alone and crying, with no one by his side.
"It's…" He sighed. "I don't know why I feel this way. My heart clenches in my chest when you have to go home, or if you hang out with anyone else instead of me. I hate that other people can make you laugh. I hate that I'm not enough. I hate that I can't love because the way I do is possessive. I especially hate that I put down any vision you have. Do you understand?"
Ray was stunned. His eyes darted at him back and forth, then squeezing, landing on something above them. "I–"
"I'm sorry. This is all too much, forgive me." He tried to move past him, but was blocked by his big frame. Giulio looked at him confused, before traveling up to see what Ray was staring at.
A mistletoe, placed above the arch.
Giulio's face turned red, now trying harder than before to leave. But Ray's hands reached out, holding him in place. His concerned expression earlier morphed into excitement.
"It's like God's daring us to do it." He whispered, rubbing his forearms up and down. "And Giulio… you are enough. You groan about how I'm too idealistic, but you ground me. I bet you want Thomas to faint so you can take his place, right?” Before Giulio could protest, he cut him off. “I don't mind that. I'd rather have you by my side than anyone else."
Giulio gasped, dark eyes starting to water. "Ray–"
He didn't have time before the man held his face in his hands and bent over, placing a chaste kiss on his lips. His mouth was slightly open, and with that, Giulio felt his tongue slip. Both of their tongues slipped.
Giulio threw his arms over his shoulder, cupping the back of his head to bring him in closer. He couldn't help it, he let a tiny moan smother between them in the heated kiss. God, he thought. I love him, I love him.
Once Ray pulled apart, he wrapped Giulio into a tight hug that he eagerly reciprocated. "I never want you to think I don't care. I do. I care so much that it hurts. Even now, I'm trying not to cry from how happy I am."
Raymond was happy because of him? Strange. He was usually the reason people were upset. But he won't ruin this moment, savoring his closeness.
"I hope I don't ruin that vision." Giulio sheepishly smiled, fingers digging into Ray's shirt. "I can be difficult, Ray."
"I wouldn't have it any other way." He leaned in for a kiss again, silencing the other's thoughts.