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Hanna. The name still rolls off her tongue the same it did when they first met; casual, even despite the circumstances, and with an underlying desire of interest. Which was then a silly romantic teenage crush and now the defiance of not forgetting the time spent together.
Sophie’s family was one of a kind. She had always thought that. Loved it immensely through her taunts. This was only proved further after the fated holiday, after being captured. The aftermath was not quite as traumatic as all health care professionals reasonably suggested. They kept their heads on straight amongst the chaos, no one blamed each other, when the nightmares came they’d band together and everyone supported their decision to support Hanna. None, even on the worst nights, wished they hadn’t. That was most important, Sophie thought.
Her memory. Because that is what the strange girl they encountered is to the family, a memory. Is visited frequently. She does not become a taboo subject. Sophie makes sure of it. It’s what she believes keeps them above water. And to not keep her memory alive is to lose her and… well, selfishly Sophie doesn’t think she could live with that. So the subject of such a wonder is a common speaking topic within the family, much to the often dismay of all who knew the true story.
Rather unsurprisingly Sophie figures out she is a lesbian some time in high school. It doesn’t bother her but the whole homophobic attitude the school has certainly does. She and another girl are asked to leave in her year 10. They couldn’t expel them for kissing in the cafeteria but for making such an event of it is another matter- Her mother gives the headmaster a piece of her mind and they’re off to a new town where everyone is just as bad and Sophie cares just as little as she did before. The profanities she throws around at the injustice continue and amongst the chaos of a new cohort finding that she’s a queer, she finds herself a girlfriend. They don’t last very long all in all, but Sophie finds she doesn’t care. The world is big and large and waiting for her. Who could ever find the time to be sad?
She thinks, considering everything, that she’s pretty okay. In the head that is, her knee all banged up from a skateboarding accident is something else. But really who is going to be after experiencing what she experienced. It ends up being portrayed through her genuine personality, which is the sneakiest way unhealthy behaviour can foster. She’s loud, rude and unapologetic, she’s proud of it. Sophie’s always been told she’s perfect the way she is and so self-hatred was never in the cards but she’s always so angry at the world while being the happiest she’s ever been. She thinks it’s an average reaction to have and to feel, which was probably why it got missed for so long.
Sophie breaks down at one point. It’s not pretty.
It fills her with disgust whenever she thinks about it.
Most of all she’s sorry for ruining her family and the way they were on track to healing. The guilt eats hers up inside, crawling under her skin and doing its best to escape through the flesh. Her family is one of a kind. They talk to each other about their problems and this is no exception. But, maybe her family being the best it’s ever been isn’t enough and that kills her.
Hanna.
Hanna was joy and freedom and something new. She was interesting conversations and an uneeiry comfort. She was danger and safety and experiencing both for the first time. She was a mystery and they kissed once under blankets. Hanna was everything and ended up becoming nothing. The girl with white hair and a piercing stare captured Sophie's heart in more ways than one.
It is not her absence that troubles her nor the time they spent together. Sophie doesn’t understand where it all comes from. Hanna is nowhere in the picture despite providing the frame.
Her family supports her through all of it. The nightmares, the outbursts. Strangely the choice for them to live in their van full time helps. Travelling city through city leaves no time for wandering thoughts, only opportunities for existing. Her parents could be no better and gratitude for the way they raised her and her brother is fully rooted in her heart by the time she figures she’s done staying with them longer. Her brother found his own friends and community in a place they stopped at for a month and it’s time to settle down again. There’s a school nearby, work her parents are interested in and houses on sale for when they’ve scrounged enough money to put a payment down. Sophie visits whenever she’s able but she’s on the run from the world now and staying in one place for too long is not living to her.
It’s a life she’s pleased with and she’s not alone. For the first couple of years when she was truly just exploring anywhere she could, Sophie traveled without her own transport. Relying on walking, buses, trains and flights to get around, finding work in the places she visits, most bars are hiring she finds, even if only for a week or two. After getting in the groove, she bought her own little van. Decked it out with fairylights and made it into a proper home. A water tank on top and a portable stove is her normal and the peace she finds from her simple way of living is worth everything.
There are other people who live the way she does and friends in every place she goes to. Life is never lonely but it isn’t all fulfilled.
Sophie grows into a person she’d never imagine. Returning home each year for Christmas, her brother changes more than she thinks should be allowed. Tall and lanky with the same kind spirit that opposed her less than savoury one. She misses him. Her being away means she didn’t see his last moments of growing up. So this year she sticks around a little longer, all round till February starts. Her family falls into the same places it always does but there’s an undeniable distance that comes with leaving and though no gap presents itself to be bridged she tries to cross it anyway, knowing full well it isn’t needed. They love her and she loves them. They’re all happy and they’re all together.
Around the Christmas tree they share stories of Hanna and Sophie knows, no matter what, they’ll be alright.