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In some way he knew it was going to happen. He just didn't think it was going to be so soon. They'd just won Worlds - again! The plane hadn't even really touched the ground, it felt like they were still just up in the air, in Chengdu, above the Great Wall, just somewhere, somewhere else. They hadn't even really celebrated, hadn't really-
The door to the dorm swung open and Minhyung stepped in, disheveled, tired, with a painfully apologetic look on his face. The writing had been on the wall all year. The rumors, the offers. The one year contract. No matter their results. Free agency. Heartbreak. Loss. Thank you, Gumayusi.
Before Minseok could help himself he stood up from his chair and took a step towards his ADC, his tongue moving faster than his mind, "I'm so-"
"No, don't be. Sorry, I mean." Minhyung cut him off gently and gave him a defeated look, paused, then, slowly took a deep breath.
"We've talked about this… Minseokkie," Minhyung reminds him with the softest voice, a pained smile on his face. That nickname, calling for him. Before Minseok could help himself, he had already walked up into those waiting arms, that had caught him so many times in the past. He needed to hold, needed to be held by Minhyung right that very moment, and the way he was squeezed tightly into the embrace, Minhyung was feeling the same way. He couldn't take the pain away, but maybe this could be enough, maybe for tonight, maybe until tomorrow morning.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into Minhyung's chest, tears clouding his vision. There was no use holding back once the dam finally broke. "I'll just miss you so much. I just- I don't know how I'll be without you. I wish I could have-" protected you, supported you more, made sure you felt loved, like you have place with-
He felt his body shaking in Minhyung's arms, his mind running to all the places he'd told himself not to wander all year, trying to find the right thing to say even though there sometimes just wasn't. In some way he had known there was change coming, just below that horizon, but do you ever really know?
There was a gentle hand in his hair, smoothing out the loose strands, the arm around his back was pressing him closer into the warmth of Minhyung's body, tenderly, inevitably. Clouding out the sorrow for a short moment, cradling him in the familiar body heat, the desperate yearning for something lost.
"Me too," Minhyung whispered back, his voice breaking. "I wish I could stay here, with you. But you can't blame yourself, Minseokkie. Not now, not ever."
"I-I just want to stop feeling like crying. I just want to be happy for you, b-but I can't- I-" Minseok suppressed another sob that was threatening to climb its way out of his throat with a shaky breath, forcing himself to calm down. Breathing in. And out. In. And out. With light fingertips combing through his hair, gently scratching at the top of his skull, it almost felt okay again. He felt a soft kiss on the crown of his head. The only thing he could hear was the rustling of their clothes, their uneven breaths and his own blood rushing in his ears. He wished for rain, to drown him, to wash it all away.
The dorms were quiet this week, most of the players and a majority of the staff had gone on a short break before the backbreaking T1-schedule was back on: Red Bull, League Awards, fan meets. And Minseok would have to do all of them without Minhyung's steadfast presence right next to him. While he was a seasoned professional and had gotten his fair share of PR training, he knew he felt more secure, more at ease with his lane partner around. His hand searched for Minhyung's and gripped it tightly, and was in turn rewarded with a careful, reassuring squeeze.
They had talked about it. In between content pieces, in between photoshoots and scrims, after long SoloQ nights and before they went live on stream to interact with fans. They had talked about it. Ominous and overbearing. Yet, part of him had been so certain. That it would be enough. Finals MVP, another trophy, kissing and making out in dark corners hidden from prying eyes. That it would just somehow make up for the hardships. Everyone knew that T1 Gumayusi bleeds red and black but Miseok had realized (and maybe forgotten) that Lee Minhyung was terribly human in that broken way he sometimes forgot they were supposed to be, and that bleeding open heart was spilling disappointment more than it was pride.
It was hard to come to terms with a reality so final, but there is no true proving yourself to competitive esports. There's championships trophies, and sponsorships deals, relentless competition, and that uneasy calm as the clock ticks down - and then there's them. Whoever Keria imagines himself to be, he knows the everyday heartbreak of free agency and roster changes, had been in part surprised by the unexpected constant stable lineup his current roster had kept throughout the past seasons, but in this small dorm, pressed impossibly close against Minhyung, Minseok hated every bit of it.
At some point Minhyung must have moved them towards the bed. Their bed? Was it still their bed? They lay down, quietly. Minhyung pulled Minseok with him, as always, down the mattress into soft sheets. Tucked away from a world outside the hallway that needed them to be all sharp edges, melting into one another, silent tears soaking into Minhyung's shirt. Minseok counted Minhyung's steady breath, right next to him.
"Aishhh, you're going to make me cry too, Minseokkie," Minhyung said in an attempt to lighten up the mood, but deep down he knew it was going to take some time to get there, to get through the fear and the loss chipping away at them. There was no shortcut or avoiding it, they would just have to take this next difficult stage of their lives head-on.
"I'm scared at how much this is going to hurt, Minhyungie," Minseok finally admitted and used his sleeves to wipe the tears off his face. His voice was embarrassingly raw after crying.
"You don't need to be, Minseokkie. My love for you won't change, I swear." Minhyung sat up a little, forcing Minseok to look up to him.
"I was in love with you when I was a trainee. And I was in love with you when I was pestering you to join T1."
He paused.
"I loved you when we lost for the first time on the same team, when we lifted our first trophy, and I love you now. You taught me to love like this, and I will never forget it. Things will be different, but I can never doubt my love for you. It's one of those things, I just know it. This will not change our past, and it won't change our future," he said it with a determined expression, eyes shining in that cruel, wonderful heartbreaking way Minhyung made all of his promises to Minseok, in the way he vows and devotes himself to a cause on a whim without falter. He always did it so convincingly that there had never been any room for doubt and Minseok relished in that certainty despite the way it left him devastated along its path. Minseokkie, join me in T1, some day I'll be the best ADC in the world. He pushed the thought away for a moment, focusing his gaze on Minhyung.
"Minhyungieee. That's way too cheesy. How long did it take you to prepare that speech?" Minseok teased with a light voice and smiled at him, the most genuine sweet smile he could muster, before his eyes turned serious again.
Minhyung understood the change immediately. Whenever the Legendary Genius Monster saw an angle, Minhyung couldn't help it, he tensed up and braced himself for impact. It was well trained instinct, a familiar course of action in their relationship. When Minseok spoke, Minhyung listened and he followed without directions, instinctively, always.
"I love you too. But, I'm still going to be heartbroken about you," Minseok declared, wrapping his hands around Minhyung's arms, fingers digging deep into the muscle, forcing their eyes to meet, demanding his full attention.
"During off-season. And whenever I can't see you," he added softly, but his eyes were burning into Minhyung's skin, there was no room for any objections.
Someone just had to say it, there was no getting around it. No sleeping next to each other after a hard day, no silly games for content, no random food orders at 4am, no quiet kisses in shared hotel rooms, hugs after games, sneaking out at dawn to be alone, or even just the familiar clicking of that keyboard right next to him, the comforting rhythm of the A-key that had burned itself into his brain, in an undeterred path of assurance and confidence like muscle memory. And it was the difference between raw reaction speed and that well practiced, reliable muscle memory that separated the good from the great. Nothing, not even Minhyung's overconfident promises of eternal love could take his mind off this undeniable loss, the dark hole digging into his rib cage, threatening to hollow him out. Too many things lost to count, too little time to cherish it all, to systematically catalogue it in that corner of his mind reserved for those happy moments he tries to hold onto forever.
"And I will cry about missing you, to Sanghyeok-hyung and Hyukyu-hyung, and I won't tell you so you don't worry. I'll miss you like I've never missed anything before you. I am going to mourn you leaving every day because you won't be there every day. I don't blame you and I'm not saying this to change your mind. I know, nothing can convince you once you've decided on something. And I admire and love that about you, your commitment. But I'm selfish so I will also be angry at it too, tomorrow. Maybe next week," he mumbled into Minhyung's shoulder, suddenly feeling shy at his unexpected admission, feeling his ears burning.
"I understand. Thank you for giving me your all." Minhyung drew Minseok closer, pulling his small body on top of his until Minseok was lying on him, head on his chest. He let out a small sigh as he felt Minhyung gripping him tighter, hiding his face away in the soft fabric of Minhyung's shirt, searching for that unshakable heartbeat. He felt himself unravel for the first time in months, the tension draining out of his body.
"But I'm also glad that it's over," he dared to whisper after a few deep breaths, gripping Minhyung's hand tightly. "The uncertainty. At least, now I get to know."
He felt Minhyung nod at his confession, face buried in the crown of his hair, tickling him with every small movement, placing his other hand onto the small of Minseok's back.
They fell into a comfortable silence, slowly letting their arms roam each other's bodies. Minhyung's hands found their way under Minseok's thin shirt, drawing infinite spirals into his soft skin. At the same, time Minseok was trying to roll them over so he could look at Minhyung's face more comfortably, squirming in the light yet firm hold Minhyung had on his hips. When Minhyung finally gave in and turned them onto their sides with an amused smile, he fell clumsily onto the mattress without loosening his grip on Minhyung's neck, which in turn pulled Minhyung down with him. The entire maneuver made Minseok giggle silently into the pillow while scratching the back of Minhyung's head, just above the hairline. Their eye levels now more evened out, they were lazily holding eye contact while embracing each other tighter, pushing their bodies closer together, face to face.
"I don't think I will be able to look at you. In that orange uniform," Minseok whispered awkwardly after a few more moments of uninterrupted silence. Just imagining it seemed surreal, even a little silly: the bright beam of the spotlights in LoL Park reflecting, refracting, scattering the light on Minhyung's handsome face, on that other side of the stage, right across from his screen, the HLE colors casting orange, not red, hues on his face.
"I don't think I'll survive it if you don't."
Watching more closely, Minseok searched for an amused spark in Minhyung's eyes, but he was instead met with such an earnest nervous expression it made him laugh out loud. It reminded him of their first game on stage, and that memory alone filled him with warmth like nothing else.
"Of course, Minhyungie," he pivoted almost immediately. "I'll hug you before every game," he cooed at his boyfriend, caressing his cheek."I'll be the biggest Hanwha fan next season, I'll dye my hair orange. I'll eat all the oranges! Children will die of scurvy since there will be not one uneaten orange in all of Seoul. There will be a permanent seat at LoL Park dedicated to my devotion to oran-" before he could continue, a shit eating-grin on his face, Minhyung's lips caught his, making him gasp in surprise.
"Minhyung- You can't just kiss me to shut me up, that's- that's unfair," he pouted, turning his face away. Minhyung laughed and gave him a short peck on the cheek. Minseok knew he was grinning like an idiot, craving that cheap affection Minhyung was always so willing to hand out. One hand found his neck, the other running across his body left shivers and sparks in its way before resting comfortably at the hem of his shirt.
"I'll kiss you whenever I want," Minhyung grinned brightly, flashing his 1000-watts smile and all the heaviness was just lifted off Minseok's chest. They were so close Miseok didn't even really need to tug at Minhyung's hair to pull their faces back together to lazily press a kiss or two on his lips.
"And my eyes will always be on you. Always."
He let the word linger breathlessly, the raw honesty burning in his veins. Somehow feeling the need to make sure Minhyung was actually internalizing it, he scattered some light kisses across his face, the curve of his brows, his cheeks, nose, eyelids. When he was done and pulled back, there were tears in the corner of Minhyung's eyes. It felt like his heart was being torn out.
"There were days this year," Minhyung started slowly, letting up his hold on Minseok's waist, putting some distance between them, "where I was scared to face you. I don't know why, but part of me was worried that you might be angry with me, that I was benched."
He paused, trying words that had been exiled to the back of his throat during the season, avoiding Minseok's critical gaze that was boring into him.
"That I had failed you." He felt Minseok hold on him tighten. "That I couldn't make good on my promises, no matter how hard I was trying."
He drew in a shaky breath. "I was scared to reach out for you because I was so used to always standing next to you - and then, all of a sudden, I wasn't, not anymore. And, I didn't know how to get back there. What I could do to catch up- If you'd… still be there if I got there."
The worst part was that Minseok hadn't known. In some ways he had suspected it, the quiet staying behind after everyone had left, the worried looks among the staff, the apologies. But having heard Minhyung voice his doubts, in himself and their relationship, it hurt him like nothing else. It was all too much.
He had felt guilty and powerless all year, but it hit him all at once how hard it must have been for his boyfriend. He placed light kisses on Minhyung's jaw to soothe him, providing some-much needed comfort yet encouraging Minhyung to keep going.
"I would have told you, you know. If- I don't know, I think, honestly, I-I just wasn't ready to face it." He had gotten quieter towards the end and Minseok's heart broke for him. They never lied to each other, it was something they had discovered early in their professional and personal relationship was necessary to make their intense careers and private lives work. It helped that both of them weren't the kind of people to mince words but thrived off sharp straightforwardness. They understood each other without words, but whenever they spoke they did so openly, there was no use in hiding in a relationship like theirs. It came naturally to them after many years of working together, so for Minhyung to avoid the truth like this must have really been weighing him down.
"Lee Minhyung, my Minhyungie. You know, I meant it, right? What I said about us during the interview. The one after Worlds finals. I meant it, I'll always mean it. I'll always be watching," Minseok finally said when he found his voice again.
It's been rattling in his mind for days, why he had replied the way he did during the interview, how he'd meant it. I think together we can still build a bigger legacy. But now he understood, it just was the truth, plain and simple as that.
Minhyung met his gaze, unsure yet steady at the same time, watching Minseok's face, before a shy smile formed on his lips.
"I know." It was final.
The words washed over them like a gentle wave, kind and steady, mending something he hadn't realized had slipped from him. All tension left the air and just left their exhausted bodies, folded into one another. Maybe it was just the dim hallway light coming in from the crack under the door or the muffled rustle of the fabric between their bodies, but his mind felt at peace for the first time in months. Ah, I just really love this guy, Minseok suddenly thought and grinned to himself, engulfed in a sense of certainty.
"I love you," he repeated out loud, hiding his face in the crook of Minhyung's neck, softly running his fingers across his jaw, pressing hard against the edge where the corner of the bone took a sharp turn.
"I love you too. I'll make good on my promise. And I'll learn how to love you even better," Minhyung insisted with so much conviction it hurt. And Minseok always believed it, no matter how scared he was. Maybe Minhyung was a siren, calling out to him, wiping out the doubt and hesitation, leaving nothing but that endearing yet absolute confidence, tying himself to Minseok - or was it the other way around?
They held each other impossibly close, taking turns soothing the other, hands roaming freely, tugging at each other's shirts, whispering sweet nothings and everythings. It was a hurried show of months of yearning, a lazy makeout session and a desperate effort to climb into each other's bodies all at once. Minseok caught Minhyung's hair and pulled his face down until their noses touched and licked his lips before he was promptly answered by a hungry mouth capturing his, a confident tongue pulling whines out of his throat. Clouding Minhyung's head, there were only Minseok's blunt nails on his back, pulling his shirt up without pulling it off, and his tight grip on Minseok's hip bones, just above the seam of those loose sweatpants. Their legs entangled in a warm and breathless embrace that locked them into place and turned heated before it got soft again with Minseok on top of him, pressing, biting kisses across his neck, long enough for Minhyung's brain to light up like a bonfire yet not long enough to leave a permanent mark.
They were just so young, just Guma and Keria, larger than life, adored by millions, in a small, cramped room in Gangnam, where did all that heartbreak come from? Just ordinary and nothing but.
"I'm half scared and half excited, I think," Minhyung murmured, turning Minseok's focus away from his previous undertaking. The air was lighter around them with uneven breaths and warm skin rustling in fluffy blankets, Minseok's comforting weight on top of him, who in turn pressed another short kiss under Minhyung's jaw. Minseok understood he was voicing some new feelings, never having been on a different team than T1 all his career. Starting next week, everything would change, but there was nothing to worry about.
"That's kinda how I felt when I joined you guys." He snorted at the memory of his first transfer out of DRX, the awkward introductions, constant polite bows, stressing out about fitting into the team culture, please take good care of me! He might have also missed Deft and the others a lot in those first months while half-obsessing over some benched bot-laner.
"Don't worry, you'll be fine. I'll bribe Wooje to take good care of you." There was no doubt in his mind Minhyung was going to be perfect.
"I'm sure Wooje is already excited to show me around over there," Minhyung agreed and tightened his grip around Minseok.
"I'll take you on terrible dates, we can try out all the fancy restaurants in Ilsan, maybe get out of Seoul a bit."
Minseok wasn't sure why he started with all the empty yet not so empty promises, and Minhyung replied in earnest as he did everything.
"I'll watch all your streams and donate whenever I can't see you," he whispered.
"Don't do that, you'll go broke… I'll call you every day. And if you don't pick up, you better text me," another heart whispered back.
"You should send me photos of what you're eating. I wanna make sure you're eating well."
It was going to be hard, they knew it.
For Minseok, being five steps ahead of the enemy team always meant worrying about certainties. But, in that very moment, in the stupid empty dorm with the light of street lanterns shining through the gaps in the curtains, it felt like a little he was being called up on stage for the first time. Nervous, scared, giddy with excitement yet calm and secure in what he was capable of unleashing, a flash of a dream, right at the tip of his fingers. And, for Minhyung, certainty never in question, it felt like the satisfying click of keeping an old promise he had forgotten about during the busy rush of everyday life, shining through the dark, light yet steady in his chest. Before he had the fire of competition, he had the satisfaction of a promise kept, of a pledge given and fulfilled, unwavering trust in a future yet to come. When he told his family he would become a pro player, when he swore to Sanghyeok-hyung they would lift the Worlds trophy, when he committed to this, his all-devouring love of Minseok. He looked at Minseok in his arms, everything feeling full and alive, ready to embark on a path well trodden.
"And don't go to Haidilao every day," he added. The tense air was fully broken, at least for now. There were Minseok's blunt nails scratching on his head, running across his face and he responded with a satisfied hum. Minseok laughed at it, wiggling himself out of the tight grip.
"I can't promise that, I don't decide where we eat! You better not overdo it in SoloQ again. Don't think I didn't notice this year. I'll be checking your history, I better not find any 10-plus-hour sessions on there, or I'll send manager Mun-nim over. You're not a teenager anymore, you need to take better care of yourself."
"Yah, don't rope her into this, she's busy enough taking care of your bad habits. I'm her favorite anyway, she'd never get angry at me." Minhyung was gloating, but they both knew it was true.
"Is it weird that I feel excited to play against you again?" Minseok said instead, draping his arms across Minhyung's shoulders, pressing a trail of light kisses on the side of his face, from his brow back down to the crook of his neck.
"No, I'm excited about it too, studying you more closely… it'll be weird sitting across from you, though," he murmured, distracted by the affection Minseok was showering him with, trying to enjoy every little bit he could get, committing it to memory.
"Yeah? You better get used to it, make it to finals, best of five, so I can crush you. The observers will be devastated," Minseok laughed at his own words, realizing that the trash talk segments in LCK would get much more fun next season. He'd have to start taking notes for some strong lines, something for fans to quote for years to come.
"Not if I crush you first. I'll read you like a book, there's no fooling me, it's gonna be brutal, negative KDA." No one knows you better than me. He hoped those words still would still ring true.
"How's that even- Better focus on the game and not me, you need military exemption, then we can play in LCK forever. You know, like Sanghyeok-hyung and Jihoon-hyung. You better work hard next year, but I won't make it easy for you." He thought about competing against each other next year, Minhyung was incredibly skilled at the game, but Minseok knew he was the best support in the world for a good reason. Facing off against each other was going to be fun.
"I'll bother you all the time until you get sick of me, Minseokkie. Military service or not. We'll see each other so much, you won't even get the chance to miss me properly." Minhyung turned his head to smile brightly at him. It was a promise. And he could picture it, with the tight regular season schedule, scrims or filming match teasers, making out in a random closet backstage at LoL Park, it sounded kind of really appealing, like he couldn't wait for it.
"I don't think I'll ever really get sick of you. I'm still going to miss you a lot, though." The words came easy, and he felt so light because it was true.
He slipped back down onto the mattress, giving Minhyung one last kiss, and nuzzled closer into the side of his body, an arm securely wrapped around his middle, keeping each other close.
They fell asleep together, Minhyung first, the exhaustion finally taking him in, his calm breath like a kind reminder of brighter days on Minseok's skin. Blankets half forgotten. Like their last night on earth, hidden away in a place they had called theirs for over half a decade, barren walls, emptied drawers and closets. He wished it could stay forever like this, and, maybe, in some ways, it was going to.
"You know, if it was one of us leaving, I always thought it'd be me… Thank you, for everything."
And Minseok followed slowly, hearts beating in one rhythm right next to each other. The best botlane was no longer, Gumayusi and Keria would no longer share the push and pull of pressure and waves, on the same side of the rift. But Minhyung and Minseok would be okay, they'd anchor each other no matter what, against all currents, with fear in their hearts and eyes steadfast, unblinking, fixated towards the endless horizon, determined into the unknown - apart, yet always together.
There was everything to worry about but nothing to lose.