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Maybe, just maybe,
One day he will be able to hate Him.
It's the reasonable thing to do. After everything.
Hell, it was the reasonable thing to do after he met Gerard the first time and the Catalan made fun of him in front of their whole class for fumbling his introduction.
But Leo did not talk with words. He played.
That was enough, at least enough to make Gerard smile impressed at him and offer him a seat at His table. And, from that moment on, Leo assumed that Gerard simply was just as bad with words as him.
Leo spoke too little, the other spoke too much.
Their friendship flourished; Leo made sure of that. Even after Gerard left for Manchester, he made sure to call every night, even if the Catalan did not answer or asked him to stop.
He was overjoyed when they told him Gerard was coming back. It was perfect. Everything would work now.
After all, Leo was not the new kid anymore. He could be in control now.
Except... Gerard was different.
Or maybe He was just the same as always. Point is, He was bitter, and angry. And looked at Leo like He wanted to kill him.
So Leo worked for it.
He followed Gerard like a lost puppy. He praised Him in front of the coaches. He begged Pep to start the Catalan, then he begged Vilanova, then Tata, until his knees bled from kneeling and his face hurt from giving fake smiles to everyone. He went to parties, he participated in conversations, he got into fights...
And it got better.
Gerard hugged him. He smiled at Leo, even away from the cameras. He walked him to his car, and He hung out with him outside of work.
They played together like a well-oiled machine. Unstoppable. But sometimes, a pebble got stuck between the gears.
Sometimes, one of them fucked up.
One time it was Leo, making a joke he shouldn't have. One time it was Gerard, making a mean comment. Those were fixed with a quiet apology and a late-night FIFA tournament, like they were back in La Masia.
But sometimes... sometimes Leo throws a punch, and it lands. Sometimes, Gerard will forget that a team is composed of 11 players. Sometimes one will scream and the other will hit a wall and they will cry.
They don't apologize after those.
Even when Gerard threw a cleat beside Leo's head so hard it made a dent in the locker that stopped its trajectory. "You fucked it up!"
Normally Leo would freeze, but this time the frustration from the match burned in his veins. "I am not the only one out there! You didn't do shit! Keep in your damn position and stop trying to be a striker!"
It struck a nerve, as he knew it would. Because Gerard wanted to be just that. A striker, not in position but in meaning. The attack, the hero, a Catalonian promise that would represent everything that Barcelona had to offer. But He had the same bad luck that all of his friends seemed to have,
The curse of being born in the same time as Lionel Messi.
He wishes his shadow weren’t so damn big. That it wouldn't make other people feel the need to light themselves on fire just to get a hint of shine. That Gerard, especially, would manage to crawl away from under it and stand beside Leo.
Even with that, an apology never came.
Not from Gerard. Not from Leo.
They just cooled down and sat together on the bus the next day.
He regrets that system now.
It was a band-aid, covering a crack on the bottom of a sinking canoe in the middle of the ocean. It did not work long-term, and Leo felt tired. Gerard was never going to love him, not unconditionally.
Those first years, he thought they were like brothers. Family, in all but blood. Now, after bawling his eyes out with nothing more than a scrap of tissue while the whole world saw how he was betrayed, he realizes: they are not brothers, they are not even friends.
It ruined everything. All his memories of Gerard were stained by the hurt. All of them pulled at his heart and kept him awake at night. How was he so stupid? What if… what if he had tried harder? Would Gerard have loved him then? Would He have been ready to give everything for Leo, like Leo was ready to do for Him?
If he hadn’t been kicked out of Barcelona, would Leo have kept trying? (The answer is yes… always.)
A part of him still tries, subconsciously.
He goes to the meet-ups, some Kings League activities, ex-teammates’ barbecues, anything. Hoping he will catch Gerard’s stare and see even the slightest bit of guilt in His eyes. Wishful thinking, as everything else. Gerard looks at him, smiles with familiarity as if nothing had happened, and keeps going on with His life.
It hurts more than apathy or indifference. He could deal with Gerard not caring, but the illusion? That one destroys him every time. It gives him hope, nostalgia for the sunny days in La Masia. Those smiles make Leo feel like one day Gerard will turn up at his door, kneeling and begging for forgiveness.
But that day never comes. And a voice in the back of his head says that it never will.
Maybe, just maybe,
One day he will be able to hate Him.