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“Hehe fat ass,” Felix giggled into Chan’s ear, grabbing a handful of ass as they hugged at the end of filming. It went well. Or well for the most part. The facade almost slipped. Felix had so much on his mind as of late and if it were to slip on camera where the entire world could see, that could've been bad. It would've been even worse because nine times out of ten the company would take what they said and distort and edit it so far, all the original meaning would've been lost.
Felix didn't linger he said goodbye to everyone politely and headed out back to the managers van before he could sulk any further in his feelings. Things were great between them honestly, but Felix was just as greedy as Chan, if not more. He wanted Chan all to himself but he knew why they couldn't be “together.” For all intents and purposes they were. Everyone in there knew there was something between them but it was never named. They never named it either. Chan didn't want to put a name to it and Felix agreed. What they had was nice but idol life wasn't easy and managing a proper relationship was damn near impossible. “Minho and Jisung seem to make it work,” Felix huffed only loud enough for himself to hear. At least he hoped no one else would hear it because of course Chan had impeccable timing and stopped the van door just before it closed.
“What are you doing after this?” Chan asked, out of breath from running to catch up to him in the parking deck.
Felix was a master of fixing his face and pretending to be fine, he smiled brightly before he spoke, “You have everyone's schedule on your phone silly, I'm headed home. Seungmin is at the studio today working on something so I was gonna just try to rest up for a bit.”
“Mind if I join you?”
Kinda wanted to sulk in peace but he couldn't say that out loud to Chan, “Aren't you working on the comeback stuff still?”
“I took the rest of today off. If they need me they can call. If you wanna be alone though that's ok too. I can head home and find something to do there's always something.”
“I know you never stop,” Felix chuckled as he slid across the row of seats, leaving room for Chan to sit. He couldn't tell him no even if something was bothering him he kept those feelings in check. Or at the very least he could come up with a very effective excuse. He hated lying but for the sake of the status quo it was needed sometimes. Fuck the status quo, Felix hated it but it was necessary. Or rather, Chan convinced him it was necessary, “What should we do then?” His voice was cheerful despite the whirlwind of thoughts in his head after filming.
“I could be your body pillow while we watch anime?”
“I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!!!” Felix should've known by the smirk on Chan's face he was going to say something stupid.
“Sureeee, anyways seriously wanna watch anime for a bit and chill on the couch?” Chan slid his hand across the seat when the manager started to drive off. He wasn't paying attention to them anyways and unless he turned around their hands were out of sight. A secret signal they developed years ago when they just wanted to be close or needed some comfort.
Why would Chan need comfort right now it was Felix that was upset. Not that he was open about being upset in the first place he was hiding it well. Maybe he just wanted to be close and Felix couldn't deny him that even if he was holding onto some hurt in his heart. It was his to hold anyways, he was the one who agreed to this no labels thing years ago. They hang out when they can, screw around sometimes, they're there with each other through all the good and bad moments of life but they aren't official. Being official meant too many strings and too much danger for Chan to be willing to risk it yet they were still together in every sense of the word. They were “You and Me” not “boyfriends.” Everyone seemed to know too and still it was a secret. No one made secret their feelings about the song Chan wrote about it either. Everyone thought the guy in "I Like It” was a dick. Felix defended it in private saying he was happy with it and liked just being without the stress of labels. Liar.
“You're quiet bro, are you ok?” Chan squeezed his hand gently, something a “bro” probably wouldn't do. He hated that word but it was engrained deeply in their shared language even if they made it official Chan would still call him bro more than likely.
“My back’s just sore, you know I get quiet when it's bothering me,” He’d lied enough already but Felix wasn't lying about that even if it wasn't his main concern it was still the truth.
“I'm sorry, we aren't far from your place now. I'll get your heating pad and meds when we get there ‘k?”
Felix squeezed Chan’s hand in return, “I appreciate it, thanks.” A bit of relief wormed it’s way through Felix's heart. This is how he got through the hard days. Just when Felix is drowning in his feelings and wanting more, Chan shows in some way just how much he actually cares and it soothes his soul for a bit. It brought Felix back to reality for a moment. Chan still loves him deeply, even deeper than Felix even realizes he thinks. These little reality checks remind him that Chan is just scared, traumatized even. Maybe in time he would come around and love just as loudly as Felix does.
“You don't have to thank me, I'm supposed to take care of you. It's what a good leader does.” There it was again, the anger creeping in. Everything Chan does for Felix he chalks it up to being a good leader instead of a good partner. He was good, good at everything but the things he did out of love he rationalized as obligation. Again another thing brought on by the trauma Chan carried deep in his chest. Felix couldn't just make him get over it; that's not how that worked. The anger Felix felt was just a testament to how deeply he loved Chan. Chan is an amazing leader, an amazing friend and an amazing partner, he just can't see it. He's so afraid of everyone leaving him again he beats himself into the ground at even the slightest perceived failure. That logic is the reason he can seem to commit either. Felix is his soulmate, Chan has stated as much many times before. If he were to lose Felix and he thought it was his fault the self destruction would be of nuclear proportions. That's why Felix is kept at an arms length close enough to touch but far enough away he can't truly hold on.
Felix persisted through it all. He loved Chan and respected his boundaries, respected the distance but it didn't mean he could continue living like this forever. The more his band mates show off their love the more jealous Felix gets that he couldn't have that, he might never have that if things remained the same. Chan promised in time things would change, he'd work on it in therapy and figure things out. He even validated Felix's anger and pain, assuring him time and time again that it was ok to be upset and they were trying but that only deepened Chan's Mariana's Trench of a guilt complex. Felix would be upset and Chan would overcompensate furthering the reason Felix was upset in the first place in most cases and the cycle would repeat.
“Do you need help?” Felix was so deep in though he didn't realize they'd arrived at the apartment.
“No I'm fine I've got it,” Felix grabbed his things, thanked the manager as he shut the door and headed into the building. Once he was inside they'd have a chill afternoon and things would be ok, as they always were.
When they got inside Felix went straight for the couch. Chan had already stated multiple times for him to just rest and let him handle it all. Felix could do that, now in the comfort of his own home he didn't have to put on a face he could let his smile fall and just breathe for a minute. Even Chan would just chalk it up to the pain. His heart was free for a moment and a tear escaped without him even knowing. Felix quickly wiped it away and grounded himself. He still had Chan, he still had the love of his life right here. He was bringing him drinks, meds and a heating pad and soon they'd be watching anime and Felix could forget about the conversation earlier.
After everything was all set and Felix sat his glass down on the side table as Chan turned towards him and put the TV remote down between them, “Was there something on your mind? What could you say that would make me uncomfortable?”
Of course Chan wouldn't just glance over that like Felix wanted, “It was more hypothetical. Nothing to worry about.”
“You can always be straight up with me. If you can't be open with your leader, how is that good for group dynamics?” Chan crossed his legs and picked up the remote casually accepting Felix's explanation but that seemed to be the trigger for Felix. Click… Click…
“NO THAT! THAT'S THE SHIT,” Boom. “Sorry I'm sorry!” Felix quickly apologized but a bullet can't be un-fired. Chan backed up a bit on the couch, giving Felix space to calm himself, “I know you're gonna ask just give me a minute to get my thoughts straight… fuck.”
“I can just leave if you want, I'll grab you some snacks and more drinks so you can just rest on the couch and I'll just,” Chan attempted to get up, clearly panicked not knowing what sparked this level of upset but Felix grabbed his hand. This is the mature thing to do, the right thing. Sit and talk it out. Neither of them should be running away. That's how they did things in the past, silent treatment, putting away gifts, taking their pictures off the wall, petty slights one after the other. That's not how they do things now, the past was so toxic for all of them, not just Chan and Felix. No one knew how to just talk and it's what led to every bit of strife they've ever faced.
“I'm fine really. I'll be ok. I'm just tired of the status quo. Tired of just being another member to you even when we are alone. Yea we fuck and that's great and all and your sweet and loving then but any other time it's like I'm just another member. You do something and go and mention it’s because you're a good leader. It's like you can't just do things because you care about me as your person, it's like I'm just a coworker or something. I'm not asking you to change your boundaries or anything. I know why you have them. I know why we are taking things so slow but some days it doesn't just feel slow it feels like we are going backwards.” At this point Chan reached over resting his hand on Felix’s leg to calm the shaking that he failed to recognize as he spilled his heart out. The physical touch alone calmed him enough to bring him back from the brink of no return.
“It's not your problem though I agreed to the boundaries. I respect them. I just well, you know, I want more sometimes. Well not really more I just want you as you not as our leader. You do so much for me already and you're always here when I do want to lean on you but when I do lean on you it's always me as your member not as yours. I'll be ok, we're good I promise. Today just hit a nerve.” Felix's brain was now fully in back peddle mode. He didn't need Chan to spiral, too. Felix would come out of his spiral and be ok. Chan on the other hand his spirals would make a professional gymnast dizzy. Hopefully he doesn't spiral from this. They were ok, they would be ok Felix just had a moment they could discuss it maturely and move on.
“Well then what do we do to fix it? I don't want you to feel like I only see you as a member. Felix you are so much more than that to me. I'm sorry—”
“No apologizing remember!” Felix was quick to interrupt that train of thought he knew right where it would lead if he let it continue. It was Felix's turn now, he laced his fingers with Chan's as they rested on his knee, “I understand why you want to keep things slow I truly do and I'm willing to wait. Waiting is just hard sometimes. I should be the one apologizing.”
“No one needs to apologize then. You were hurt and you told me. That's ok remember, we're being upfront with each other now and you shouldn't apologize for doing that. I do want to fix this though. I know it's hard on you to keep distance it's hard for me too but you know I'm scared. You know what hiding in secret did to me and then almost being found out and risking everything… it's a lot of pressure being a leader and also just being me. I don't want you to feel like I don't… love you cause I do.” Felix couldn't help but tear up at the word love. He rarely ever used it unless he was speaking about the members as friends and family. It was major. The word alone cut through the building tension like a knife and everything finally fell out. It was like the walls they built between them crumbled all at once.
Chan wiped his tears and didn't apologize once. He let Felix have the space to cry unlike the past. In the past Chan would smother him in “I love you, I'm sorry, it's gonna be ok,” etcetera, etcetera, on and on. He'd do anything to placate him rather than solve the problem. They've come a very long way from the panic they felt in those days. Just one crisis leading into another because they were too scared to get to the root of things.
“Nothing is gonna change, it's just something I have to deal with and that's ok. If anything,” Felix sniffled, catching his breath just enough to keep going, “I know you love me, I just wish you told me more often. If that's not too much I don't want to push you.” I don't want to lose you; but that went unspoken.
“Yea, I can do that. I should've been doing that all along. I'm sorry that I haven't. That's on me and you're right to be upset about that. Is there anything else? Are you sure? I… I know it's hard keeping the distance and keeping things casual as possible when it's not.” Clearly. Anyone with a pair of eyes can see what they have isn't casual. Their love ran deep but it’s scary to take that deep dive when everyone and everything you love is on the line. Felix understood that, it's why he was willing to take things agonizingly slow. It was worth it for Chan. Every trial and tribulation they faced was worth it to be in his arms like he was now.
“It's a big ask,” Felix recoiled physically as he spoke up. It was a risk but everything was a risk with them, this was no different, “at least when we're alone can I be your boyfriend? Can we label that much just alone when it's just us. We can be ‘You and Me’ around everyone else but alone can it be us? We don't have to sneak around either, just if we happen to be alone like this I don't want to be Felix of Stray Kids I want to be Felix, your boyfriend.”
“Felix of Stray Kids is just that but how about when we're here like this, Yongbok. When we're alone you're Yongbok, my boyfriend. You always want me to call you by your name more. So if I call you Yongbok you know I'm talking to you as my boyfriend. This way there's no confusion.”
“I'd like that a lot, I just want to be your boyfriend sometimes, not just a member. I know you didn't want to label anything and if it's too much please don't push yourself. I know you're still healing, I am too.” They've done a lot of healing honestly. Even just a year ago this conversation would've devolved into a fight and then silence. Now it was just Felix and Chan letting their feelings out holding each other with the only tension being the way they are holding each other as close as possible.
“It's not too much. Honestly, I talked to my therapist about us last week. I was going to talk to you at some point I just couldn't find the time with the comeback and all. I want more too. I'm ready for more. At least when it's just us for now. I'm not hiding you either, he brought that up actually. I'm keeping something precious to me safe for now, not hiding it. I'd show you off to the world if I could but that risk…”
“We don't have to take that risk yet don't even think about it,” Felix interjected, this was a nice calm conversation he didn't want it to devolve into a barrage of terrifying hypothetical what-ifs, “I'm just happy you want more too. I'm never going to leave your side, there's no need to speed run things. I just sometimes need to be reminded that you're in it for the long haul too. We have time, just that time was getting to be lonely. I should've talked to you about it before.”
“Can I at least apologize for making you feel lonely? I didn't mean to, I was just trying to figure it out in my head, I never meant to hurt you." Chan said, pulling Felix in close, cradling the back of his head as he ran his hand through Felix's long blonde locks, “I love you more than my heart can contain and it scares me so much but it's even scarier thinking I could lose you because I'm not speaking up.”
“I love you too. I'm sorry too for not speaking up sooner either. I agreed when you said you wanted to keep it more casual and when it got hard I should've just told you.” This is exactly what they meant by being mature and straight up with each other. It was a bit uncomfortable but this part, after the storm, where they held each other, this was comfortable. It felt right, it truly felt like they weren't just band member and leader any more. They were not you and
me. They were us, and this was home.