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You lay your head back on your bed in mental exhaustion, wanting to disappear into sleep before anything more happens. Another day of classmates always calling you a girl, hearing your deadname from teachers even after you tell them it’s not your name, and even having your friends slip up, calling you “she” instead of “he”. You know they don’t mean harm with it (for the most part), but it still hurts that you don’t pass enough for anyone to see you as a man unless you verbally explain it to them. Even the people that seemed supportive barely did anything to help, other than occasionally stopping themselves from saying transphobic slurs out loud. It was annoying that you were the token trans kid that everyone looked at weird, but it was somewhat better than hiding it. Maybe if you just did more to pass, bind even tighter, cut your hair even shorter, work out even more-
In the midst of your self deprecating spiral, you hear a thrice-repeated thud against your door. You sit up, raising an eyebrow, thinking “what the hell was that?”. You walk over to the door, answering it with a “what do you want”, and turning the doorknob to reveal your dear boyfriend K1-B0, who was already sensing he walked in at a bad time.
“Are you.. alright? Your cortisol levels seem to be very high, as well as your breathing being shorter. Sh-Should I leave?”
“No, it’s just..” You sigh, closing your eyes slowly to try keeping yourself calm. “Just a rough day. You can come in, I’ve just been trying to decompress. Anyways, why’d you come in the first place?”
“Well, I wanted to see you. You seemed quite stressed today, and I wanted to spend some time with you, as studies show that quality time with a loved one makes you twice as likely to be happier.”
You smiled weakly, as you could see where the idea came from, and it was sweet of him to try and make you happy again, even if he didn’t fully understand the concept of human happiness. You move out of the way of the doorway, letting K1-B0 in so he could sit down somewhere, make himself comfortable.
“What has been troubling you?” He asks, after setting himself down on the edge of the bed. You bite back a sigh. As usual, you knew K1-B0 wouldn’t let you hide him from what’s been going on. You moved to sit next to him.
“..I’m just tired of no one thinking I’m a boy the way that Shuichi and Kaito and the other guys are boys. It’s just exhausting to feel like I’m never seen as a real man the same way.”
K1-B0 gives a small nod, and gave a hum.
“I think I can see what you mean. It can be quite frustrating, especially when you can feel like your body does not match your mind, and cannot match it without surgeries or other treatments that are expensive or even life threatening.”
“Yeah, and having to remind them I’m still a person who deserves respect. Like, I’m still human, you can’t just treat me like an experiment just because I’m-“
“..Different?”
“Yeah! Like they think just because I’m not a “real boy”, they can treat me however they want. Ask weird ass questions about my body, call me whatever they want, or even treat me worse because I’m not “actually a man”.”
“I think I understand your point. They treat you like you are subhuman because you are not male traditionally, even when you know they do not always mean it as intentional.”
Finally, someone gets it! You give a sigh of relief that your boyfriend understood how you felt, even if no one else seemed to know the feeling.
“Yeah.. it sucks, having to remind everyone all the time that I’m a guy, and- I-I just want people to call me a guy normally, instead of reminding them. I know it’s hard for them to keep track of, but they didn’t know me before transition, so why is it harder for them to remember than people who did?”
K1-B0 stayed silent, letting you get all this out, since it was clearly frustrating you. You kept going on your annoyed rant, which turned to not even being upset at people, more.. upset at yourself, because why didn’t you pass enough? You binded as hard as you could every day, you cut your hair short, you worked out, but none of it mattered because no one ever saw you for who you were. Or rather, only one person saw you for who you were. K1-B0 at least had it stored in his memory that you identified as male. He, at least, considered you as much of a guy as the others. And sometimes, something like that made him more human than everyone else. Eventually, once you were done with your indirect tirade, K1-B0 spoke up.
“Stop me if this is inappropriate, but would you like a hug? Or words of affirmation?”
You wanted to cry. Someone, who didn’t even fully understand human emotions or even what being transgender entailed, was still more supportive than other humans. You mutter, “can I ask for both?”, and of course, you’re met with a nod, and arms opening so you could get the hug yourself, no force needed. God, K1-B0 needed to stop being so supportive and perfect, you were about to lose it.
You exhaled a shaky sigh, before pulling him close, needing to hold, be held, and keep the cycle going while the world burned down.
Careful as ever, K1-B0 wrapped his arms around you, trying not to crush you on accident. He knows he doesn’t know his strength, after all.
“You’re as much of a man as the rest of us. They might forget, but you’re just as good as the other guys. You shouldn’t need to prove yourself that you’re just like them.”
K1-B0 let you bury your face into his shoulder, careful not to cry on him, as if he might malfunction.
“It’s alright, you know,” he began, “crying won’t make me short circuit. I’m waterproof, and I can turn on heating for you so it feels more human. Would you.. like that?”
You gave a quiet nod, wrapping the rest of your body around him, and gently pushing him onto the bed so you can both properly cuddle.
And for a while, you both forgot you were in a killing game. You forgot that everything was out to hurt you, you forgot about things like passing, and let your thoughts just fade as K1-B0 lovingly held you close until you went to sleep from the crying causing a lack of oxygen.
He slowly dislocated himself from the cuddle pile, careful not to wake you, as he got you under the covers, and laid you down properly so you had the best back posture during sleep. He tucked you in, giving a quick kiss on the forehead, while he turned off the lights, locked the door to ensure no one disturbed you, before he sat next to you; he had no need for sleep as a robot, and it was comforting enough to see you safe, resting, not worrying about how short your hair should be or how much to lower your voice.
It felt like the world didn’t even exist outside of this room.
Like this was all the world had to be; just saving screenshots of you into his memory, as if you’d disappear any moment, and he needed to remember everything about you. It was all he wanted to do.. just look after you, not even in the way he was meant to, not because he was a robot and you were human, but because *you deserved it*, and he wanted to be the one to give you everything.
He moved the hair out of your face, careful to not press even slightly too hard.
“Good night.. darling.”