Chapter Text
I guess I couldn't complain. I was a pretty woman, not the richest, not the smartest, but I had a job I liked -I was a bridal consultant- and I was engaged to the man I loved, Danny Imperiale. We were happy together. My mother was constantly telling me how much she wanted grandchildren, and I didn't think it would take much longer. We both would be very happy to have a child.
Then that one day, we were on our way to the mall, we took the subway. It was as full as usual, but there was one woman standing a few meters away, who caught my eye immediately. She didn't look as if she belonged here. A blonde, tall and slender person, clad in a very designer-looking coat over her equally beautiful black dress. She wore silver jewelery, that looked pretty expensive and made her blue eyes look crystal clear. Her hair was cut in a bob, parted on her left side, and on the right side it was tucked behind her ear. She had very faint skin and light red lips.
"God, she is beautiful..." I thought, and it was not jealousy that I felt.
I didn't realize I was staring until she turned her head. She had been looking to the side, out of the window, but now she was looking at me. Not knowing what to do, I was pretty surprised as she suddenly smiled at me.
"She looks like an angel." And she did. It was a genuine smile, affecting her whole face. Her eyes sparkled, and I felt pretty warm when I returned that sweet gesture.
The man standing beside her now talked to her. I hadn't noticed him before – he was tall, had a full head of dark hair and was handsome, wearing an expensive looking suit. From the way they behaved, I supposed they belonged together, and my heart felt strangely heavy thinking of that.
The subway stopped, and I realized this was the station we had to get out. I poked Danny, and we walked towards the next door, in direction of the gorgeous stranger. In fact I had to walk past her, and as I did, we looked at each other again. She was a bit taller than I, and from this close her eyes looked marvelous. I wish I'd had more time to look at them.
Passing by, I kept my head turned, holding our eye-contact as long as possible. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, and I never wanted this moment to end. My felt as heavy as a stone when I finally had to turn around and exit. The doors closed behind me, and I caught a last glance at the angel-like blonde before the train left and I had to do the same.
"Fran? Are you alright?"
"Yes," I said, nodding, and it was probably the biggest lie of my entire life. I was miserable, feeling like I would cry any second. She was gone, and we would most likely never meet again. Never. Never would I know her name, the sound of her voice, the feeling of her touch. The longing I felt was immense. All I wanted to do was run after her, but it was impossible. Suddenly I realized what had happened to me – love at first sight. I was in love with that woman.
That night I denied Danny's wishes for intimacy with the excuse of having an headache. It was not a fake excuse, though. My head did feel rather dizzy, and I lay awake long. Hearing him breathe loudly beside me, I felt uncomfortable all of a sudden.
I got up, quietly walked into the kitchen and sat down there in my nightgown. A little bit of light fell in through the window from the streetlights, else it was dark. Burying my face in my hands, I wondered how the hell this had happened to me. I'd never been a sad person, let alone easily depressed, and yet here I was, crying in the kitchen at 2 in the morning, all because of a woman who'd smiled at me in the subway. A woman I'd never be with, I'd probably not even see again, no matter how much I wanted to.
So.. was I gay? Bisexual? I had to admit I didn't know, and I didn't care. All I knew was that I felt an attraction to that woman too huge to put into words. Looking back into the bedroom and seeing Danny lie there, I asked myself- do I really want to spend my life with him?
But yet .. I couldn't give all this up for just a dream that would never come true.
It was time to face the truth – I would never be with her.
****
So, I had not given it up. It was three weeks after the incident now, and I was still with Danny, trying to act as if nothing had ever happened. Though it was not easy for me, it worked – he was a man, after all.
It was an ordinary Friday night, Danny and I were watching TV at home, and he was randomly zapping through the channels, when I suddenly felt like seeing a ghost.
"W- wait a minute, get back there please!" I said, not sure whether my mind had played a trick on me.
He did what I said, looking at me in confusion over the sudden outburst.
The image had switched to a big stage with a moderator, who was just preparing to announce a winner. In the back there were huge banners with TONY on them, so I supposed it was that award I had heard of. Seemed to be a big thing in musical theater.
"Frannie, since when are you interested in opera awards?"
"Musicals," I corrected him, still tense.
"Whatever..."
"...And the winner is – Maxwell Sheffield Productions!" the moderator announced, causing a massive cheer from the audience.
The camera switched to the seats again, showing who seemed to be that Mr Sheffield, beaming happily, and somehow he seemed strangely familiar to me. Then – if I hadn't already been sitting on the couch, I would've fallen off my feet- there she was. This man called Maxwell Sheffield just hugged the angel from the subway live on TV.
I was even more surprised when she walked onto the stage with him to accept the award – why was he taking his wife along on something like this?
They shook hands with the moderator, then the winner stepped to the mic.
"Thank you so much! First of all, I want to say something about the people who made this possible.. a big part of this prize belongs to a very special woman, without whom I would not be standing here for many reasons – my business partner for a decade now: CC Babcock. Secondly of course, almost..."
This was when I had drifted off. CC Babcock. So that was the angel's name. And she was not his wife – she was his business partner. Just an associate at work.
My heart was beating hard now, and my condition must've been visible in my face, because Danny stared at me.
"Fran? What's the matter with you?"
I did realize he was talking to me, but I ignored it, since that moment his speech was over, and she, CC, exclaimed, "Thank you!" to the audience, smiling broadly.
God, her voice was amazing... and that smile...
Danny poked me with the remote control. "Earth to Fran."
The program switched to the next category, and I could finally tear myself away.
"Uh – what?"
"I asked you what's the matter."
"Err .. nothing?"
"Fran, I'm not stupid! What's wrong with you?"
"I need to think," I said, getting up. "Don't wait up."
"Fran? Hey, Fran?!"
Without further explanation, I quickly left our apartment with just my jacket. I had no idea where I'd go, it just had to be far away from the man I'd thought I loved.
Somehow I ended up downtown in a little bar, ordering myself a drink. I ignored the appreciating glances of the man at the table beside me, and soon I wasn't even noticing them anymore, nor the rest of the world. Deep in thoughts, I stared at my drink. God, what was I to do? Leave, and maybe lose everything? Or stay and lose all chances of fulfilling my dream? My dream, yes. I suddenly realized that it no longer was the quiet family life with Danny and maybe our kids that I wanted, but I desperately wanted that woman. I wanted to go out into the world, try my luck, and maybe gain the biggest win I could've ever made. And this was what I was gonna do. No more whining and silent hoping that luck would find me – now I would take care of my destiny.
I got up, paid my drink, then left at once. Though I had thought about going to my mother's, I decided against that. Danny had the right to know about my decision first of all.
Arriving at the place I called home, I noticed only about an hour had passed, and I was sorta curious whether Danny would be around. I unlocked the door, and heard no sound inside. Seemed like he'd gone out as well. Not that I'd mind, on the contrary. I'd been pretty freaky tonight, I understood.
Finally a bit tired, I went to bed. I could still tell Danny tomorrow.
"Danny, I have to talk to you," I said as he had appeared from the bathroom and joined me for breakfast.
"Are you better than last night?" he asked.
"Yes .. and no. This is serious, Danny. I'm sorry, but.. I'm not in love with you anymore."
"What? You're kidding!"
"I am not. I've been thinking, and come to the conclusion that this is not what I want. As soon as I've found a place, I will move out."
"What?!" He was perplexed. "What have I done, Fran, tell me, did I neglect you, did I-"
"Danny, it has nothing to do with you. It's that..."
"What?"
I sighed. "I think I'm in love with someone else. Don't freak out, I didn't cheat on you or anything."
"So? But?"
"No but. I've never even spoken to her."
Danny shook his head, and too late I realized what I'd said. He apparently needed a moment to understand it, too, because his head shot up with a big delay and he stared at me.
"Did you just say 'her'?!"
I decided not to beat around the bush anymore. "Yes. It's a woman. So what?"
"So what?! Fran, how can you be gay, I mean you only ever had boyfriends so far!"
"I don't think that matters. You love a person, independent from the gender."
"You love a person, sure, but you don't even know that person! You're crazy, Fran!"
"Well, maybe, yes. But I am willing to take the risk, Danny. And you will not stop me."
"No, I am afraid I cannot."
****
"Frannie, what are you doing here?" my mother asked when she opened the door to me. She stared at the suitcases I'd brought.
"I broke up with Danny," I replied, entering the flat.
"What? Why; what happened?"
I ignored that question and put my luggage in my old room.
"Come on, have a bit of ice cream with me and we'll talk about it!" she called from the kitchen.
Ice cream sounded good, and in fact I was in need of something to cheer me up. My enthusiasm of last night and this morning had fainted while packing and leaving, and right now I was again in doubt of my own actions. Had I just screwed up everything? Not to mention I was not looking forward to my mother's reaction. Shaking my head, I decided I might just as well tell her right away. It would not get easier in time.
"Moooorty, will you turn down the volume? "Sylvia yelled through the whole flat, and once again I wondered how the neighbors could bear this lunacy every day. I mean I knew my voice was not exactly subtle, but my mother's had the ear-bursting character of a vuvuzela.
Entering the kitchen I already saw her sitting at the table in one of her bright yellow shirts, looking at me with something between curiosity and pity.
"Frannie, what happened between the two of you?"
"Ma, I left him."
"Did you get yourself a nice doctor?"
"Ma! No!"
"A successful businessman?"
"Ma, will you stop it! I didn't get me anyone! It's just that..." I hesitated.
"That?"
"I am in love with someone else." I said and began eating my ice cream.
"What do you mean, in love?"
"In love, Ma. It's a pretty straighforward thing, I hope you remember."
A long and tiring discussion later, I could escape into my childhood room, and put away my stuff. But I was restless, and decided I needed some fresh air. So I left the house and walking though the crowded streets of Queens, I decided I needed to see her again. All day long I saw her smile in front of my inner eye, and I couldn't imagine going on like this, without her. It must sound crazy, I know, but I just felt that I needed her, and that it would all work out somehow.
But where to start? I had to do some research, so far I only knew her name and the company she worked for, but I had no idea where to find this Maxwell Sheffield Productions, the wonderful CC Babcock worked at – but it was something, it was a starting point.
When I got back to what would be my home for now, my mother was cooking dinner and I could sneak into the living room and grab the New York edition of the yellow pages from under the TV table. I blew off the dust that had accumulated over the months, and started to flip through the pages until I reached M. Manicure, Marine Corps, massage parlors, finally : Maxwell Sheffield Productions, Broadway Musicals, 7 E.75th Street Manhattan, and a phone number. I stared at the paper for more than a minute, trying to understand that I had in fact found it, I could pick up the phone and call right now if I wanted to, call the place my angel from the subway worked. Theoretically. Practically I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so shy about anything. I couldn't just call – what would I say?
I heard noise from the kitchen, and quickly tore the piece of paper with my information out of the book and stuffed it into my pocket, determined to take it out right after dinner and put it somewhere safe.