Chapter Text
It was a particularly bright day out today, with Aphmau and Pierce both standing in Pierce's messy den full of sheep, where dozens of them 'baaaaaas' out loudly. Pierce was happily brushing away through the fluff of one of his lovelies, with Aphmau right beside him, helping him because.. honestly?? He seriously needs it. Then, right as he was stroking an especially silky smooth patch of fur, he said something so randomly out of the blue.
"Aphmau!" pointing at the sheep he brushed up head to toe. "OHHHH just look at her!! my beautiful wooly wife!- UHH i meant SHEEP, MY SHEEP!" he tries to cover up, before continuing on. "Oh man! you know Aph? I love them all SOOO much! i could just marry every single one!" he squealed in delight. Aphmau was caught completely off guard upon hearing that. She paused mid-brush, slowly turning towards him, with concern written all over her face. She opened her mouth, unsure of how to even respond to him, before finally managing to say something. "Pierce- PIERCE-.." Aph was struggling to find the words. "That's not how that works, you cannot marry your sheep-" "Why not??" Pierce abruptly interrupts. "I love them very much! That's like what- comes right before marriage! Boom! Easy!!"
Aphmau sighed, deciding it was best not to entertain him any longer. Instead, after they finished tending to every last fluffy wool ball in the enclosure, before they both went on with their day, she gently tugged Pierce away. Grabbing the hems of his sleeves, before the two quietly slipped behind a nearby bush, where Aphmau crossed her arms and gave Pierce a serious look. It was time. Time to explain, in the most simplest way possible, what “feelings” actually are… because clearly.. clearly, Pierce had no idea.
“Okay, okay, okay-” she said, holding up her hands. “Ok Pierce, you do know that what you're SAYING is that you feel romantic attraction towards. your. SHEEP???" she stares at him with concern. "So? what's the difference-" "Oh my god PIERCE, what you're feeling ISN'T romantic love. It's more like… ‘I really like my sheep because they’re fluffy and adorable’ kind of love.." "AND BESIDES. I know you love them,” Aphmau adds on quickly, her voice rising an octave with the effort of staying patient. “But that’s not— Pierce, that’s not how marriage or ANY of that works. You can’t just… pick a sheep and go ‘yup, that’s my wife now.’
Pierce opened his mouth but Aph cut him off, using one of both her firm pointing fingers to press against Pierce's lips as to signal him to hush, the other for pointing at the fluffy sheep that apparently sneaked up beside him. “For starters,” she continued, “you’re a human. They’re sheep. You cannot sign papers with a sheep. You cannot have a ceremony with a sheep. A sheep cannot say ‘I do.’ A sheep cannot legally do anything except… eat grass and look cute.”
The sheep bleated loudly, as if in agreement.
Aphmau threw her hands up. “See? Even this sheep thinks this is a bad idea!”
Pierce pouts, still unconvinced. “But I really love them..” sounding like he's about to tear up
“And that’s fine!” Aphmau insisted. “You can love your sheep, you can care for them! You can brush them, feed them, knit sweaters out of their wool, whatever! But that’s not romantic love. That’s like… pet love. Pet-owner love! Pet-tonic love!! Totally different.”
Pierce looked at her with pure confusion on his face. She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, trying again. “Romantic feelings aren't anything like that at all, they feel… different.” “Different.. how? Do they baa louder?” Pierce asked curiously with a hand to his chin.
Aphmau snorted before she could stop herself. “No! Pierce!” She collected herself, then softened her voice. “It’s more like… your heart beats faster, you get nervous around them, you wanna be close to them, and you care what they think of you. Stuff like that.” Pierce stared at her, processing each word as if she had just told him the secrets of the universe. “So like… if someone makes your heart go thump thump…” He pressed against his chest for emphasis. “That means you’re really in love with them?”
"Yes! Exactly like that!" She confirmed with a nod. Pierce just sat there for a moment, then shrugged. “Weird. Couldn’t be me.” He crossed his arms confidently. “My heart only thumps for mutton.” Aphmau looked at him bare in the eye before proceeding to let out the most disappointed and loudest sigh ever, "Of course it does.."