Work Text:
It was November 23rd.
Asuka had been helping Misato clear out of her and Kaji’s house. They had figured that with the soft breeze of winter, it was finally time to move to another place to make memories. Cobwebs coated the dark, damp wooden surfaces, which smelt like mold. The stench was thick and commanding, demanding for its secrets to be unraveled. Up where the ceiling slanted, a small window shone a sparkling ray of light, leading onto a small wooden box. It was as if the heavens beckoned Asuka forth to look into the curious box sitting on the ground.
Intrigued, she decided to check it out. She had already done a steady job of clearing out old junk, which is evident from the sweat beating down her face. Already warm, she kneels over the box. It had a sad, rustic look to its top, with moulded walls that were all bitter and sorrowful and yet so full of translucent memories that the light shone in between the cracks as if the cosmos were beckoning a soul itself into the warped little box.
Upon opening the box, what she unearthed was an impressively thick stack of letters, all wrapped neatly into a bow, as if they were a present for someone. Asuka felt that it may have been an invasion of privacy to look into them, but despite herself, she was curious. Besides, no one was coming back for them.
Taking care not to mess up the string, she carefully untied the unnervingly proper ribbon. Settling on the creaky floor beside the little box, she picked up the letter on the bottom of the pile. It had warped sections in the planes of the paper, as if there were tears over them.
Dear Kaworu,
I’ve never really written a letter before today, so excuse me if it’s not my best words to you.
I’m really sad you're gone, Kaworu. Though you insist otherwise, I feel as though it’s all my fault. That I caused some sort of calamity to impose upon your life. I suppose I never had any good luck though, so getting involved with me was bound to end badly for you. Maybe it was your fault.
I still remember the first day we met. You looked like an angel ascending from heaven up on that rock edge. I bet you did that just to tease me, you do enjoy teasing me, even now. You're still everywhere I breathe, everywhere I taste. It’s quite nauseating, because how can I eat when you poison my food? How can I sleep when you haunt my dreams? How can I live when I’m not breathing you? Simply put: I can’t. The cosmic softness of your touch is much too tantalizing to be denied.
I remember how ephemeral you looked when you would talk to me about philosophy and intelligent stuff. You would always tell me I’m smart, but I think you were just making me feel better. You're so much smarter than me, it makes me angry. I wish I was as smart as you. Maybe since you're gone I’ll feel better about my intelligence.
Was that mean? I’m sorry if it was, I just miss you. Even if you left me, I shouldn’t be rude.
Sincerely From, Shinji
P.S, I don’t know how to end letters, but I’ll try to be better again next time. Sorry to disappoint.
Damn! Asuka thought to herself. She knew that Shinji was down bad, but this was a whole ‘nother level. Despite herself, she felt almost sad for Shinji–not to say she doesn't miss him, but they had a complicated relationship. Even now, she can't help but feel some unresolved resentment towards him. Maybe that's why she kept on reading, almost guilt free.
Asuka put that letter aside and went to unfold the next one. She wasn't exactly sure the timelines of these letters since he didn't bother to date any of them, however she felt she was reading them in the right order. Starting from the bottom made the most sense, after all.
For this one, she noticed there weren't any warped parts of the page.
Dear Kaworu,
Today I finally had the courage to go back to classes. I was fearful that I might break down if I went now that you're gone. Gosh, you've made me such a crybaby. And it's all your fault.
Today, at noon, I saved a seat for you beside me like usual. Asuka got mad at me and told me you were gone, and that I shouldn’t have gotten you a plate from the sandwich shop. She said that you’re gone, and that I need to move on. I flipped the table. She made me angry. I wouldn’t be angry if you were here.
Other than that, classwork went as I foresaw; assignment after assignment piling up on top of me. It was painfully dull without your light, I feel I could almost die without you. And I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything, everything is harder without you, even down to a physical level. I can barely drag myself out of bed.
It reminds me of that quote from “The Dead Poet’s Society,” where the teacher says “We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion.” I think you’re my poetry, Kaworu.
Sorry, I got off track again. After classes, work went the same as usual. A customer cussed me out today, and I didn't defend myself like you always told me to. I just couldn't help but agree with him. Even when he said I should go die. I agree with that too, because I could see you again and maybe not be so miserable anymore.
I'm not sure what my problem is, but I'll report back when I figure it out.
Your Love, Shinji.
P.S, Was that a better ending?
Asuka would agree it is, though he isn't here to hear that. So far, these two letters have immensely opened Asuka's eyes to Shinji. They had a rough relationship–despite caring a lot for each other as family.
One factor that stunted the growth of their relationship was Shinji's lack of vulnerability. Despite being sensitive, in her opinion, he would never share his issues, or even care to acknowledge them. Eventually little grievances would pile up until one day he was throwing a fit over a snarky comment from 2 months in the past.
Asuka now acknowledges that it wasn't just him who harmed their relationship, however his habits always made him self-destructive. That is why she's in this position now. Why was he so willing to better himself after Kaworu passed? She thinks Kaworu would’ve appreciated it while he was alive.
“Idiot Shinji,” she murmured to herself, unaware she was clenching the letter. After gaining awareness, she quickly loosened her grip and laid it back onto the first letter she had put aside.
By now, Asuka had lost all care that she was invading Shinji’s privacy; there was nothing he could do about it, and more importantly, she deserved answers. She noticed this letter had welches in the paper as well.
My Love Kaworu,
I’ve figured out what my problem is: I actually can’t function without you. I never realised before, but you were the cogs turning in my body; the light guiding me out of darkness. I no longer have the courage you granted me, I bet you're disappointed in me.
My love for you has put me in a predicament, you see. Your love isn’t this freeing, liberating feeling others would describe: your love is like a box. It traps me in this small, claustrophobic space and never lets me go. The box contorts and contracts and eventually when I’m released, I can no longer survive because I am too cold without the insulation. That’s what your love is to me. I wouldn’t have it any other way (unless of course, you rose from the dead. That would be splendid.)
However, the fact remains that you left me. You left me to drown in the cold of the void that is my heart.
I’m sorry. Was I mean today? I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings, Kaworu. Today was particularly rough for me; I had to help move your belongings out of your apartment. Being forced to choose parts of you to throw away was too much to bear. I ended up keeping personal items of yours as I find they have the most soul; socks, underwear, shampoo, deodorant, facecloths, and chapstick. Don’t worry, love, I don’t use your things, I simply have them with me. Your socks have slowly started replacing my stuffed animals from when I was a child, your shampoo has become my own bathroom candle, your facecloths my blankets. Asuka finds it creepy, but I see it as preserving your soul. I think you would do the same, would you?
I believe everything else was sent to the dump (I did protest that) because I simply couldn’t fit it in my apartment. I was devastated, but then I remember your soul is still with me, it never belonged to any table or chairs. That made me feel worlds better about this whole situation.
Would you like me to wash your things? I personally don’t want to, but I suppose I should ask just in case. But I’d rather smell your sweat than detergent devoid of your scent.
Your Man Your Boyfriend Your Soulmate, Shinji
Asuka would guess this was written around the time he stopped showering. Shinji quit his job and dropped out of school around this time, too. It was alarming, and Misato, Kaji, and her had tried their hardest to help him out, but eventually they couldn’t. They had to temporarily accept his lifestyle, but they swore to try and help him again after regrouping. She was too late, though. She could still recall when the smell protruding from his room was so unbearable; it still felt like that day to her.
“Shinji!” she harassed, risking a peak in the door. “Ugh, god, take a shower! What happened to the Shinji that cleaned after everyone else was done?” Asuka sounded irritated, and as much as she was, she was more worried. Shinji was a lot of things; “slob” was never one of those things. He would impulse organize, he would hound her, Misato and Kaji for leaving any garbage around, he would sneak into Rei’s apartment and clean it for her, for free. As much as she hated to admit it, she was worried sick.
Shinji didn’t reply, Asuka would reckon he didn’t even notice her standing in the doorway. Shinji was lying in his bed–surrounded by mountains of clothes and notebooks. The stench was the warm musty kind that hits you like a brick wall falling on top of your senses. Shinji looked as if he were a vegetable being forced to exist. He didn’t even look at Asuka when he replied.
“Leave me alone.”
“You're rotting. Literally.”
“I didn't ask for your fucking insight Asuka.”
“And I didn't ask to smell you everywhere. Pull yourself together.”
Shinji didn't counter that. Instead he looked away in shame. Despite herself, Asuka continued.
“Shinji, look me in the eyes and promise me you'll get up and brush your teeth?”
When Shinji finally decided to meet her gaze, she could observe hints of tears welling in the corner of his eyes. She felt a small pit of dread–she didn’t know how to comfort people. Asuka liked to avoid this problem herself by not crying. Before she could voice any concern Shinji's way, he balled his fists.
“Leave me alone!”
“But Shinji, you-”
“I what?! You're the one who came in here to judge me!”
“I came here out of concern-”
“Concern?! I’m pretty sure you don’t have an empathetic bone in your body, Asuka.”
Asuka flared in rage, “I know your fucking depressed but don’t take that out on me. You should be grateful you have me and Misato and Kaji and Rei and everyone else who cares for you like family! You should actually go do something if you're going to be this bitchy about it.”
Unsurprisingly, Shinji didn’t argue that. However, his eyes narrowed in contempt. “Leave, Asuka. You don’t understand anything. You didn’t know Kaworu like I did.”
“No, but I know you, and I know this isn’t like you! You’ll end up fusing with the bed. Like. A. Dumbass.”
“Go away, please. I um..I appreciate your concern, Asuka, but I’ll be fine. Just… I’ll get onto cleaning.”
Asuka didn’t believe him one bit, but, despite herself, she slowly stepped back. Hesitating, she wondered if leaving him was a good idea. Trembling, she grabbed the dusty door knob and slammed his room door shut.
I can just try again tomorrow, Asuka reasoned to herself. Shinji has been at this for two weeks now. It's not like he’s going to go anywhere now. Misato is out of town, but she has tried to reason with him, Asuka just thought maybe Shinji would listen to her. Apparently not.
Asuka remembered how much she was trembling after that encounter. Looking back, it made her seethe seeing Shinji in this state. He was so sad and pathetic that to this day, it launches Asuka into irrational, tear jerking rage.
She regretted it all.
Dear Darling,
You make me sick. Today you visited me in my dreams. You literally ascended from heaven and asked me to join you. You said that you can fix all my sorrow, as if you weren't the one who caused all of this.
While you're not wrong, it feels a little disingenuous, shouldn't you take some accountability?
Today is November 17th, Asuka just attempted some bullshit intervention. How does she not realise I'm trying to bask in the essence of you. After taking your belongings, I didn't wash any of them, but I made sure they're always beside me.
Though I do plan on joining you, I don’t want to today. I still feel burning hot resentment that you left me alone. The day you died, I remember the feeling of dread that gradually overtook my life. Suddenly I was a lost boy with no purpose; no soul.
I could feel my life energy drain away until I lay bare and dry. I of course didn’t realize you were this force until you left. The cold reality overtook and I could no longer sleep without dreaming of you. I could no longer eat without thinking of your lips touching mine. I could no longer walk without feeling your presence choking me. I could no longer write without your hand softly rubbing mine, even as I write this. It’s killing me inside.
I wish you and I could get a second chance. If you were still here, I would actually try to unpack my shit again. I know how much my insecurity got in the way of our relationship, but I didn’t realise it was this bad. Upon further reflection, maybe you left because of me?
Sure–your death was an accident, but I bet you’d been wishing for an excuse to leave. You probably pitied sad, pathetic little Shinji to death, literally! Frankly, if I were in your shoes, I’d do the same. First it was mother, then father, then you, I bet Asuka will be next. Ms. Misato will follow soon. Everyone who loves me always leaves me. I was a fool to think you’d be different.
You're my final straw Kaworu. Nothing has ever been different for me! No matter how hard I try, everything stays still as the earth beneath us! I’m sick of it! I hate myself as much as I hate my father now, remember when I told you that my life was over when I got to that point? Well, I’m here, with good timing too. I can’t bear to be away from you for too long.
We’ll meet again soon, Kaworu.
Sincerely, Shinji
Asuka’s eyes widened in horror. Suddenly, she wished she had snooped into Shinji’s room even when he was yelling at her to leave. She could have prevented all of this.
“Ms. Misato told me not to blame myself,” she internally reminded herself. There weren’t any signs she saw herself, but this letter was an obvious cry for help.
Asuka hadn’t realised she had been clutching the letter so hard, it tore a bit near the top. She quickly slammed down the letter in the pile she had been keeping. She didn’t realize that the fresh water stains were her own.
There was one final letter at the bottom of the box. This letter is where Shinji’s journey of grief came to an end, it seems. Asuka ought to have been happy for him, but all she felt was anger and despair. He’s such a hypocrite! He did the same thing as Kaworu. Did he not realize that Asuka and Misato cared about him too?
Trembling, Asuka picked up the last piece of the parchment. She carefully unfolded it, as if something was going to jump out at her from it. She took a deep breath in mental preparation, she wasn’t going to cry now. Asuka already had time for that.
Dear Kaworu,
It is 4:45pm; the sun is sitting on the ocean horizon as per usual. I remember the day we first spoke; you sat upon the large rock as graceful as a mermaid. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were, though. You're otherworldly.
Reflecting back on my miserable life, you were the light at the end of the tunnel. Your death made me realise the tunnel never truly ended, as I would be able to live without you if it did. In a cruel way, meeting you might have been more of a curse than a blessing. I know it’s pathetic but I resent you for leaving. I hate that you died, I’m infuriated that you're gone.
I wanted to grow old with you, Kaworu. I wanted us to be one of those old couples that people see and go “I hope that’s us one day.” We could’ve been those cool, gay uncles (cringey I know) that everyone seems to love. I wish you were around to wash my hair like you used to, or to taste my cooking on those slow mornings. We could’ve kept all that up. But you just had to die. No matter, I’ll see you soon anyways.
Reflecting on our time together, I don’t have much else to say right now because we’ll be together soon. I’m aware I’m leaving everyone else behind, however I believe it is for the best. I no longer cannot offer the others the quality of relationship they deserve. They don’t deserve the only me I can offer them in your absence. I am aware how much of an asshole this makes me, but I know they’ll understand. I’m better off gone.
I imagine the warmth of your arms when we finally reunite as I write this. I am oh so excited I don’t even want to finish this message to you.
I think I am selfish for not addressing my final goodbye to the others, however I am too nervous to face them. This is another obstacle in a long line I simply cannot overthrow. I thought that I might face Rei at the very least, but I can’t even do that anymore. I’m worthless.
I hope you forgive me for that, Kaworu. If you don’t, I’ll make sure to repent the next time I see you.
Sincerely, Shinji
***********
Today is November 29th.
Asuka could feel the gentle breeze from the coast gently hitting her face. Beside her, stood Rei, Ms. Misato, and Kaji. Ms. Misato was silently sobbing into the collar of her jacket as Kaji held her with a solemn look on his face. Rei stood there gazing off into the horizon. Toji and Kensuke held their heads low. Even now, Asuka could not figure out what she was thinking.
Asuka had made sure to cry out all her own tears before coming to the funeral. Even though there were a minimal amount of people in attendance, she wouldn't have anyone see her cry over idiot Shinji.
Truthfully, she tore up her room in suppressed rage. Asuka still remembers when she found Shinji tied up in his room. He was as pale as a ghost, his skin looked akin to a baking sheet. His limbs dangling limp as a dummy, his face an expression of peace.This was not Asuka’s first time finding someone like this—her mother had gone out the same way. It brought a horrible hot feeling in her throat. Why did everyone have to leave her this way? If Shinji was so bothered about Kaworu dying, then why didn’t he ever consider that maybe other people missed him? Kaworu wasn’t the only person who loved him.
Buried in her thoughts, she hadn’t noticed everyone else had walked forward to gather around his grave; thoughtfully next to Kaworu’s. Everyone except Rei.
“Are you okay?” Rei murmured softly.
“I’m fine.” Asuka grumbled. She tried to ignore Rei, but despite how much she disliked her, she had such a disarming look on her face that Rei could not help but confide.
“I-I thought we were enough for him, is all.”
“Don’t get too hung up on it, Asuka. There was nothing we could do. His mental health was never the best.”
“I know that, but-”
“Shh.” Rei gently pressed her finger to her lips. “Shinji-kun was pretty self-destructive. I wish we could have saved him, but it’s hard to help someone who didn’t want help in the first place. C’mon, Asuka.”
Asuka looked down to see Rei was gently holding her hand. She was already leading Asuka over to Ms. Misato, Kaji, and Gendo. Why did Rei have to be so soothing?
Shinji and Kaworu’s grave overlooked the sea over the cliff. In this graveyard, some of the coffins stuck out the side due to erosion, however Shinji and Kaworu were not close enough to the cliff edge for their coffins to stray away.
The sun sat on the horizon, the clouds shining gold and the ocean twinkling. Asuka fought back the urge to cry, though Rei’s cold hand steadied her emotions.
Asuka considered mentioning what she read, but she didn't want to intrude Shinji’s privacy more than she already did. However, for the first time in forever, she feels as if she finally understands him. Though she does resent him at the moment, she does hope that maybe Shinji will be happy with Kaworu, wherever they are now.