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Cross woke up in a sheen of sweat, brushing off light sleep and the heavy blankets that clung to his bones. With a shaky inhale, he sat straight up against the headboard and tried to hold onto any sort of breath that made its way into his tight chest. It was nearly impossible. With every inhale. his chest twisted tighter yet into a knot. His eyes darted about the dark bedroom, trying to settle on something. Why did it have to be Dream?
The moment Cross laid eyes on his sleeping husband, all curled up in a ball with his blue cloud pajama bottoms and yellow night sweater, he broke down into piping hot tears that slowly rolled down his cheeks. The peaceful sight of Dream just laying there was enough to wrench Cross’s soul like a dagger. He had no idea what a monster Cross was. How could he just sleep there next to a degenerate like him? He didn’t deserve him! You’re a liar, there’s so many disgusting things he doesn’t know about you. What aren’t you telling him? He doesn’t know the real you.
“Cross? Hey… what’s wrong?”
Cross felt a soft hand cup his cheek. His chest hurt even more. It’s his fault Dream woke up. “Nothing, I’m fine,” Cross tried to wipe his tears away, but more came, and the striking ache in his gut made him crumble into his folded knees. “Please, Dream, go back to sleep. You had a busy day at work, I’m fine.”
“No you are absolutely not fine! Cross, what’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare? Do you feel alright?” The guardian’s soft, airy voice held a determined weight in the darkness although it was creaky with sleep. Of course, Cross knew Dream was never going to back down. The hand that now firmly squeezed his shoulder proved that. Every single touch added to the ache in his core and the intensity of his tears. Why did Dream have to care? It hurt Cross so badly, he wished Dream would yell. Shout. Insult. Leave him completely for someone better than him. Anything! Every act of kindness was something Cross thought he’d never deserve in a hundred lifetimes.
The moment Cross looked at his husband in the eye, he completely lost it. Every suppressed tear let loose as if a damn had exploded. “I killed them all, I killed them all Dream and I hurt so many people, oh god I hurt so many people, I stole their life and world and I’m so fucking disgusting I can’t stand myself!” Cross’s entire body shook in Dream’s arms as he tried to catch his breath.
“Hey hey hey, Cross! No, shh, what’s all this for?”
“I don’t know, I just don’t deserve you. I’m a disgusting person, nothing more.” Cross ignored Dream and continued to slander himself, his voice sounding like audible sledgehammers aimed directly at himself in places it hurt the most.
“Hey.” Dream firmly clasped both hands on Cross’s cheeks, training the wide, white eyelights onto his own. “Shush.”
“You aren’t listening to me,” Cross said through a mushed up face.
“That’s because I refuse to listen to this, Cross. I refused to take any of this nonsense seriously, because I know it’s just not true.”
A little liquid pooled in Cross’s sockets, his eyelights diverted to the side. “But I hit you. Dream I hit you before and you fell, and I strangled you and yelled at you and I-”
“And I know you’d never do that again,” Dream clasped a hand over Cross’s mouth and quietly slid himself onto Cross’s lap. “In fact, that’s not even you anymore. The amazing skeleton I know, the amazing Cross I know, bakes chocolate muffins in an apron and bandana, cooks every meal, makes my side of the bed every night, and takes every chance he gets to make sure I’m alright. Splinters, Cross. You tell me not to touch the fence because there might be splinters. Skeletons can’t even get splinters but you warn me anyway. Why in the world would I ever think you’d hurt me?”
“I don’t know…” Cross erupted into slow, hot tears and slouched his head into Dream’s chest, letting the natural warmth of the guardian’s body press against the clamminess of his clothes. Dream just soothingly stroked Cross’s back in silence.
“What am I going to tell our kids one day?”
Dream’s hand stopped along Cross’s back. He made a sound of confusion.
“How am I going to tell them I was a genocidal psychopath who spawned the multiverse’s greatest catastrophe in history?”
“Why do we have to talk about people who we put in the past?”
“But you still talk about your brother.”
Dream paused. “That’s because I miss him, Cross.”
“What, you don’t miss the old psychotic Cross?”
“No…” Dream said, drawing out his voice. “You were, uh, kind of a dick.” He cupped a hand over his mouth then made a surprised, quick snort.
“Please, Dream tell me when I’m being like that again-“ Cross exhaled, surprised as Dream gently pressed his skull back against the headboard.
“Relax…”
“Dream what are you-“
“Quiet.” Dream swung himself off Cross’s lap and bent down to rummage through the nightstand.
“Dream. What is that?” Cross pushed himself onto his elbows and observed the guardian with a furrowed brow and wide sockets.
“Shush! You worry too much.” Dream quietly closed the drawer and spritzed something onto Cross’s face, making him reflexively press his skull back onto the pillow, wide eyed. “I know how much you like the scent of the outdoors.” He laughed at Cross’s ridiculous, fazed expression.
The guard’s blush came in hot and glowy, continuing to populate his cheeks the louder Dream’s laugh got.
“It’s just essential oils Cross! Lavender oil! W-what did you think it was? Pepper spray? I bought it for you a while ago!” Dream snorted in between sentences. “I bought it because I thought it would calm you down. Because I know how much you worry at night!” His laughter was loud and crippling now.
“I dunno.” Cross blushed. “Maybe you bought pepper spray to use on me if I did something horrible or something. You know, in case?”
Dream was absolutely howling with laughter now. “Oh Cross!”
Cross continued to stare at Dream with saucer eyes. The collar of his white sleep shirt was bunched up in tense fists. He watched Dream gently crawl back onto the bed and sit on his knees directly beside him. All of it only made Cross cry some more. “I really don’t deserve you.”“Oh? Fine, Cross. Yeah, you’re right. I don’t deserve you.” Dream swung his legs over the side of the bed and ducked down, plopping onto the floor with a thud. After a few seconds, Dream could hear sniffles up above. He jumped back up onto the bed and sprayed Cross in the face again. The poor skeleton looked like he was on the verge of an aneurysm; puffy sockets, mouth wide open and all.
Dream let out the loudest snort and doubled over in laughter, spraying Cross’s face over and over again, watching him reflexively jump back each time. “Will you chill out! Stars!”
“D-Dream…?”
The guardian was practically howling at this point. He crawled onto Cross’s lap and kissed his cheek. “Awful! You taste like perfume.”
“I-” Cross was still speechless.
“I need you to look at me.”
Cross looked at him.
“In the eye, Cross.” Dream watched Cross’s nervous eye lights make their way up to his face. “There we are.” Dream smiled and waited a few more seconds, making sure Cross was still listening to him. “I am never going to leave you. Or think bad about you. Do you understand?” His voice was calm and sweet, but sturdy when he spoke. “Besides, I’m the one who asked you to marry me. I’m not going anywhere, ok?” Dream lightly smacked the side of Cross’s face and smiled.
“But what if I do something awful again? You already gave me a second chance. What happens if I do something like that again?”
Dream’s gaze hardly changed. His mouth just set in concentration. He blinked. “Then it would be my fault.”
“Your fault for my actions.” Cross scoffed.
“Cross I’m the one who vowed to help you change, to help you out of that dark place. And if you ever returned to that dark place, it would be my fault.”
“Now who’s talking ridiculous,” Cross shook his head and broke his gaze. “It was never your fault for my poor actions in the first place. So it wouldn’t be yours if it happened again. Don’t look at me like that. Dream.”
The guardian’s eyes squinted unconvincingly, the face he always made when he was ashamed or embarrassed.
“Don’t ever blame yourself because of me.”
“Don’t ever think you’re evil.”
Both closed their eyes and sighed a little.
“So I guess we’re at a tie.” Dream chuckled. “If you don’t do anything apocalyptic."
“You won’t blame yourself for it.” Cross finished.
Dream’s chuckle grew a little more certain. He smoothed out the sheets and got caught up in the motion. “But seriously Cross. If you were to ever go through something like that again, I’ll be there to help. And guide. Just like I always am. But I know you're good. In your soul.” He poked Cross's chest for emphasis. Dream finished smoothing out the already smooth sheets and casually crawled over, giving Cross a hug. It wasn’t anything extreme or over the top. It was peaceful in its simplicity. All it said was Dream wasn’t letting go.
Slowly, Cross reciprocated, gliding his hands along Dream’s soft pajamas. Neither spoke the entire time they embraced. After a while, Dream’s limbs went slack and his breathing slowed. He was asleep. To make sure, Cross gently pulled back, supporting Dream’s skull. And yes, his sockets were closed. There was nothing in Dream’s face that held any sign of hatred or disgust or fear. It was enough to let sleep find its way into Cross’s own soul. And soon, he lowered himself back onto the pillow, kept hold of Dream, and made sure the night cap was still snug around his skull.
It was the first time that night Cross didn’t have to think about breathing. It just came on its own, relaxed, certain, at peace. His sockets started to give in. And in the morning, he’d have chocolate chip pancakes, plant the garden with Dream, drink lemonade, and…