| Location: Mephistopholes, Ishmael’s Recording Studio |
Heathcliff |
♫She's gonna take you back to the past...♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫To play the shitty games that suck ass♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫She’d rather have… an octopus♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫Spray some ink right into her ear♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫She’d rather eat… the rotten arsehole…♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫Of a gutted fish and down it with beer…♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫She’s so angry, you’ll be turning paler…♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫She’s the Angry U Corp Sailor…♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫She’s the Angry Pequod Limbus Sailor…♫
|
| Heathcliff |
♫She’s the Angry Video Game Sailooooooooor♫
|
Heathcliff (Joker Moment) |
Why does she make me sing this again every time? |
Ishmael |
Alright, due to popular request, I’ll be picking a random video game from this wheel that you all submitted to be reviewed. |
| Ishmael |
I haven’t seen the wheel at all yet - Heathcliff set it up, and we’ll be watching him spin it in just a moment. |
| Ishmael |
HEATH! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE WITH THAT GOD-DAMNED WHEEL OR I’LL DRAG YOU BACK TO THE FUCKING GREAT LAKE AND TOSS YOU INTO ONE OF THE FUCKING WAVES!! |
| Heathcliff |
Alright, alright, lass. Lemme bring it in real quick-
|
| Heathcliff wheels in a comically large wheel, with dozens of game titles written on it. |
| Ishmael |
Okay, so I haven’t seen what games are on this, so if any of you fucks give me an ass game to review, I will make your ears bleed. |
| Ishmael |
I don’t fucking care if you shits even have this video muted or off-screen. |
The Pequod Captain Ishmael |
YOU WILL FEEL OUR WRATH- |
| Ishmael |
Hey, shut the fuck up, bitch. I get my vengeance, you stick to pissing me off. |
| The Pequod Captain Ishmael |
Fineeeeee. |
| Ishmael |
So, anyways. Heathcliff, spin that fucker. |
| Heathcliff |
Aight, lass. |
| Heathcliff gives the comically large wheel a spin, with it landing on… |
| What the fuck. |
| Ishmael |
What the fuck. |
| Heathcliff |
What the fuck. |
| The Pequod Captain Ishmael |
What the fuck? |
'Starbuck' |
The fuck? |
'Pip' |
Pip is thinking what the fuck is this?!? |
'Queequeg' |
Game odd. What is it? The fuck? |
| Ishmael |
Why. The fuck. Is Lobotomy Corporation a VIDEO GAME. |
| Heathcliff |
Hold on, lass. I’m searching it up right now. |
| Heathcliff |
... |
| Heathcliff |
Okay, do you want the short answer or the long answer? |
| Ishmael |
I just want an answer, period. |
| Ishmael |
(I swear to God…) |
| Heathcliff |
Ok, so remember when Rodya made that Balatro game, right? |
| Ishmael |
…Yes? |
| Heathcliff |
And how Limbus Company made a whole new department for that, the Limbus Company Games Department, right? |
| Ishmael |
What. The fuck. Does this have to do with Lobotomy Corporation being a God-damned game? |
| Heathcliff |
Yeah, so it turns out that Limbus hired some game developers, apparently they thought it was a bloody good idea to expand into a game studio, too. |
| Heathcliff |
And those wankers somehow made games going over whatever the hell happened in Lobotomy Corp. and… The Library as well? |
| Heathcliff |
Anyways, quick disclaimer for the viewers: neither of us were informed about this, nor were we paid or told to give positive reviews on these games. |
| Ishmael |
... |
| Heathcliff |
What? I don’t want these guys thinking we got paid for this. We don’t even get paid anyways! |
| Ishmael |
Haah… Whatever. Let’s get to playing this shit. |
| Many hours and a few LobCorp days later… |
| Ishmael |
I swear to fucking God, I’m going to FIND those land-lubbing developers who made this shitty game. |
| Ishmael |
First off, how the FUCK do you manage to fuck up grammar this badly? I’d rather be jumped by 5 Mermaids at once with nothing but a stick than to try reading a book full of this kind of writing. |
| Ishmael |
Second, the difficulty spike in this is absolutely atrocious. I swear, I could whet my harpoon for a year straight, and it still wouldn’t be as sharp as this fucking difficulty spike. |
| Ishmael |
Oh, and don’t fucking forget how we LITERALLY DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING INFORMATION ON THESE ABNORMALITIES WHEN WE FIRST GET THEM?!?!? |
| Ishmael |
Shit, I know these Agents are as expendable as Ahab’s crew is to her, but still? |
| The Pequod Captain Ishmael |
My crew isn’t expendable, but each member of it still sacrifices themselves to a greater cau- |
| Ishmael |
Shut up, bitch. I’m busy tearing this shitshow of a game apart. |
| 'Starbuck' |
She still has a point, though. |
| Ishmael |
Kill yourself. |
| Ishmael |
So, where was I at? |
| Ishmael |
Right, so… |
| Ishmael went on like this for a few more hours, making her first ever stream one hell of a success - at the cost of her sleep, quite a few energy drinks, and almost all of her brainpower. |
| Now, let’s see how Heathcliff’s doing on his own stream! |
| Heathcliff |
Really? A Grade 9 Fixer? |
| Heathcliff |
Hey, chat, anyone else think this “Roland” is a Grade 9? |
| Heathcliff |
… |
| Heathcliff |
Okay, I’m gonna tell you all this: there’s no way in Hell he’s a Grade 9. |
| Heathcliff |
Just look at ‘em! Pull up some other newbie Fixer and compare ‘em to that bloke! |
| Heathcliff |
‘Then why did Angela believe him?’ Well, it seems that Angela’s gullible as all Hell and doesn’t know anything ‘bout the City, innit? There’s no way you’d believe him unless that’s the only example of Fixers you’ve seen! |
| Heathcliff |
…Wait a sec. |
| Heathcliff |
He called himself a ‘washed up Grade 9 Fixer,’ right? Washed up? Was he actually a Grade 1 or something, and did some bullshite that knocked him all the way down to 9? |
| Heathcliff |
Well, if that’s true, I wonder what the bloody Hell he did to get the Hana on his arse like that. |
| Heathcliff |
So, let’s see how we actually play this game… |
| A few receptions later… |
| Heathcliff |
Alright… 2 Dirty Blows, a You’re Too Slow, and a You Only Live Once! since it’s funny… |
| Heathcliff |
Let’s get this reception started! |
| Heathcliff |
… |
| Heathcliff |
Ugh. Ew. |
| Heathcliff |
The fuck do you lads mean, ‘human flesh tastes delicious’?!?! |
| Heathcliff |
Look, eating other people is shite, got it? I don’t care if it’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten, it’s still shite. |
| Heathcliff |
At least I can nuke these arseholes to the heavens and back down… |
| Heathcliff |
So-called ‘I Can Cook Anything’s when I bitch-slap them with a max-roll ‘You Only Live Once!’ |
| Heathcliff |
The fuck do you guys mean it's a crutch!? I can just roll a 1 and just lose the clash to anything! I'm just gambling at this point, and the rest of my decks are perfectly fine! |
| Heathcliff |
No, paralysis is NOT overpowered, it's perfectly balanced as-is! |
| Heathcliff |
I - yeah, okay, you got me there. Making a 2 to 6 roll a 2 to 3 is pretty busted, but it's not like we have a good way of making sure it's applied, right? |
| Heathcliff |
Shite, nevermind about that. |
| Heathcliff |
I know E-Endure's made up of block dice and a pretty weak blunt one, but it still can clash well - THE FUCK DO YOU SHITES MEAN, 'BROTHERHOOD GLAZE’??? |
| Heathcliff |
YES, THE BROTHERHOOD HAS GOOD COMBAT AND KEY PAGES, AND THEIR PASSIVES ARE SLIGHTLY BUSTED, BUT PARALYSIS IS STILL LIMITED BY MY LIBRARIANS STILL BEING ABLE TO ROLL LOW ENOUGH TO LOSE THE CLASH. |
| Heathcliff |
Anyways - hold on, these two seem sorta familiar. |
| Heathcliff |
Oi, Dante! Can you come over here for a sec? |
Dante |
<What is it, Heath?> |
| Heathcliff |
Do these 2 lads and lasses look any familiar to you? |
| Dante |
<Hold on, lemme take a closer look at them…> |
| Dante |
<Yeah, I think so. Lemme take a look at the Identities I have real quick.> |
| Heathcliff |
Alright, Dante says these two seem a bit familiar, and they’re looking if they might have any ID’s that might be similar to them. |
| Heathcliff |
…Aaaand they’re dead now! |
| Heathcliff |
Yeah, I know this game’s easy as shite right now, but it’s only the tutorial chapter, innit? |
| Dante |
<Hey, Heath? So apparently we have 2 Identities that are completely based off of those 2 for Ryoshu and Gregor, apparently.> |
| Heathcliff |
You’ve got IDs based off of those 2? |
| Heathcliff |
Never use them again. |
| Dante |
<Heath, you know that Ryoshu’s absolutely REFUSED to let me slot in any Identities for her. She’s been fighting as herself for however long we’ve been together!> |
| Dante |
<And second off, Gregor’s Ryoshu’s Bistro ID absolutely sucks BALLS compared to the other IDs he has!> |
| Heathcliff |
Damn. That’s based. |
| Dante |
<DON’T ACT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER NOTICED!!!!> |
| Heathcliff |
The Dante crashout is real, chat. |
| Heathcliff |
Anyways, on to the next reception! |
| Heathcliff |
Dunno why, but these two seem sorta familiar… |
| A few receptions later… |
| Heathcliff |
Well shite, if Lulu Distorts here I’m gonna quit. |
| Heathcliff |
Shut up, chat! You don’t know how hard it is to take down a Distortion, ya gotta play by its bloody rules ‘cause you blokes can’t bash it like someone who looked at you wrong! |
| Heathcliff |
That, and most Distortions are about Urban Nightmare-level, with a few of them being bloody Stars of The City! We’re literally an Urban Myth right now, how the hell are we going to take down a Distortion at this level?!? |
| Heathcliff |
Oh, phew, the lass just got some other blokes to come with her and get smashed. |
| Heathcliff |
… |
| Heathcliff |
You lot are fuckin’ degenerates. |
| One girlfriend death later… |
| Heathcliff |
Well, guess I’ll wrap up the stream here. |
| insert proper ending here lmao |
