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It's a beautiful day today, isn't it?
Of course, it must be. Yesterday was wonderful, but it gloams compared to the beauty of today. And tomorrow - tomorrow will be sublime. That's just how you are.
The longer I've lived within you, you've shown me that time makes everything more beautiful. Like roses, or wine... they become all the more perfumed and sweet, don't they?
And with time, you effloresced: the days becoming more beautiful than the last. I know it's a slow process, but by the end, you'll grow into the prettiest flower - I know you will.
Truly, we all lucky to have you, to see you, to enjoy you. Even if it is a one-sided relationship... all your gifts, and none from us in return... the least we can do is appreciate your everything, right?
The golden Sun, the silvery Moon, the twinkling stars... we take them all for granted, but it's truly a miracle - wait, no. Not a miracle, but your gift. I appreciate them, even if it seems like I don't, I really do.
Every moment I had with any of my friends, my parents, my classmates... even if they aren't as permanent as the sun or the moon or the stars - even if they're fleeting memories already being forgotten, please just know that I've appreciated all the moments you've gifted me.
You might be wondering "why all of this? why now?" and, to tell the truth...
I don't want to seem greedy or conceited to you, but... I wanted to ask you for a favour.
Just one. Just one small favour, please.
I... just want to see Ira one more time, before I forget her.
Hey, Shubina. My eyes are here.
...Oh, right. I tear my eyes away from the window. The rest of the world will have to wait, but it can be patient - I know that. It's existed for thousands of millions of years - it can wait a few seconds more, can't it?
The teacher scratches something on the chalkboard, its rasping sound echoes through the room. All the students in my class are neat and orderly, sat line by line and row by row of desks. None of the seats are empty, except for...
Vadim snaps his fingers beside my ear. Again. And again. He only stops when I turn to look at him.
Jeez, took me like an hour to get your attention. What's so interesting out the window?
Surely it can't be more interesting than me, can it?
Ah... no. It was just... I saw a bird outside.
...A bird, tch.
Anyway, we took your book for a sec. You don't mind, right?
But, we're done with it now. Here ya go. Thank you for your continued service.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah... whatever. And don't leave your poems in there next time.
They still aren't that good. Dunno why you even bother at this point.
Ah. I'll... keep that in mind.
Vadim turns away, continuing a conversation with his friends. I stare down at my notebook... I should start taking notes.
Tick, tick, tick... I listen to the clock while I scratch notes down with my pen. I hear Vadim and his friends chuckle beside me, but I don't care to listen to what they say - if they are talking about me.
Eventually, the bell rings. I put everything in my backpack, and hoist it on my shoulders. That's the last class for today, time to go home...
The hallways are filled with the usual hubbub of the other students. I make my way through the crowds down the stairs.
As I walk past the ground floor's classrooms, I hear a familiar voice.
Hey, Asya!
Um, I've gotta do something, but you wanna hang out today? Meet me at the back, like usual.
Okay, gotta go! Sorry! Wait for me there!
Oh! um, okay! bye, Marina!
Marina waves at me as she leaves. Most of the students have thinned out of the school, though. I watch as she enters a classroom. Maybe she just needs to talk to a teacher?
...Anyway, that's right. I'll go to the back of the school and wait for Marina there. I would have waited here, but... it's probably better to do as she asks.
I walk through the mostly empty corridors of the school, to the back exit. Sometimes, I pass a teacher or another student, whenever I do, I wave at them. It's only polite.
I arrive at the exit, and push it open, greeted by the cold outside wind.
The metal door shuts behind me, heavily. I look around, and Vadim also seems to be here. He stares at me, probably surprised by the door closing. Sorry.
O-oh, hi, Vadim.
Shubina, what do you want.
W-what do you mean?
I mean what are you doing here. You looking for me? you want something?
...If you're here to buy something, I've got an extra pack of cigarettes. It'll be half a rouble, just for you.
Oh, no - thanks, but I-I don't smoke. I'm just... waiting for Marina.
...Oh. That makes the two of us, then. I'm waiting for her, too. Where the hell is she?
Any idea what she wants with us? She tell you anything about it?
...No. She just told me to meet her here.
Ugh. Of course she wouldn't say anything. Always wonder what she's up to...
Garin takes out a cigarette, lighting it with his lighter. The smell of his cigarettes isn't very nice, I stand a bit away from him. ...I liked Ira's better.
He blows the smoke out. The cloud of cigarette smoke passes by, drifting on the cold winter wind. It dissipates as it glides higher into the sky.
After a few minutes of staring across the town, I get bored. I rifle through my pockets... I'll try to write some poetry, maybe.
I pull out my notepad and my pen, opening to a new page. Hm...
A white sun rises among the clouds,
Climbing, cast amidst the starless sky -
Light splattered across the city street,
Dappled black and white, night and day...
I stare at the half-filled page for a few minutes. I bounce the pen off my head, nothing's coming to mind.
I'll try again. I open a new page. Maybe I can think of something better...
O winter, waif of seasons:
We met in the fields, soft as snow,
Your robe of white, flowing slow;
I reached out, and grasped your hand,
And here we danced until the day's end...
I stare as the ink dries into the page. Ah... can't think of anything, again. I'll open a new page.
As I put the pen to my notepad... I hear footsteps crunching in the snow. I look up - it's Marina. I put my things away.
Heeey, guys!
Hi, Marina!
Hey, it's you.
So, what did you want the both of us for? Gonna look for Ira again, huh? Let's check the woods this time.
Oh, nothing like that. I just wanted to do something with you two today.
It'll sorta be like last time, remember? ...Well, besides the Ira thing.
Hmph. You're gonna be buying me a soda this time. I'll make sure of that.
Heh- yeah, right. We all know that you'd never have won. Right, Asya?
I mean, he did get pretty close...
The two stare at me. Garin looks at me with a stern glare. Marina looks at me, too, but her face says "but I still won, didn't I?" They wait for my answer.
R-right. I don't think you could've won.
Pfft. Why'd you ask her, Marina? Like I'd care about the opinion of someone who couldn't even reach the first window.
Really, she couldn't do anything compared to you or I, right? She just sat on the side the whole time.
But we decided that she'd be the scorekeeper, didn't we?
And the scorekeeper ruled that I threw further, and I'm a girl.
You wouldn't want your friends to know you lost a throwing contest to a little weak girl, huh? I could totally tell them.
You do that, and I will make sure you'll never walk out of that school again without getting pelted with a hundred snowballs. You too, Asya.
B-but I'm innocent!
Hmm... actually there is something you can do to stop me from telling anyone.
If you bought me another cream soda, I wouldn't be opposed to keeping my mouth shut.
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Bribery? You've stooped low, Kaplan.
Oh, we're doing last names now, are we?
It doesn't matter, though. You're gonna stoop low enough to buy that cream soda, aren't you, Garin?
...Haaah. You've got me.
Heh. Anyway, let's go to town, shall we?
Marina waves for us to follow her. Vadim looks down, pinching his forehead as we take the road to the town centre.
Our footsteps crunch in the snow as we walk. A little, chilly wind blows through the trees, the icicles hanging off the branches glint in what little daylight shines through the clouds.
...So, Asya, how's your poetry been lately? Ya finish any new poems?
What do you care about poetry? You become a philosopher now or what?
Don't mind him, Asya, Vadim isn't important. Now, were you gonna say anything?
Hey, I'm very important...
Oh... well, I just don't really have the energy to finish any poems recently.
I've... lost my rhythm, you could say. I kind of just... need to get inspired again.
Hmm... I don't know...
Oh... well, it sounds like maybe you should take a break? Maybe you're just burnt out.
I'd love to read some poems of yours, sometime.
Nerd.
What's that? Remind me of your grade in Russian, again.
Like yours aren't in the gutter, either.
Still better than yours though. That's all that matters in the end, hm?
I thought you were the top of your class...?
Like I said before: grades don't matter, right? So what if I am or if I'm not?
I'll have you know that I'm still very smart.
...Oh, yeah? Let's see how that'll help you now.
Vadim scoops a handful of snow from the ground, creeping up to Marina's back as he speaks. He pulls Marina's collar back and dumps the powdery snow on her neck.
Hey!! I'm gonna-- get over here!
Vadim ducks behind me, grabbing my shoulders. As he does that, I see Marina forming a snowball in her hands.
You're gonna what? Throw a snowball at me?
I hear Vadim picking up a handful of snow behind me.
Think again, I've got a hostage. Nothing funny or she gets it.
Please don't...
You know you're a full head taller than Asya? I have a clear line of sight on you.
Marina hefts her snowball behind her, calculating the trajectory in order to hit Vadim (and hopefully not me, too).
...You're an easy target.
Marina throws her arm forward. Vadim ducks behind me, but I don't think he's noticed that it was a feint.
As Vadim pokes out his head a bit afterwards, Marina's snowball splats on his face. A little snow gets on mine, too. Vadim sputters behind me.
I wipe the snow off my face, and turn to face Vadim. He's doubled over, his mittened hands wiping his face.
You fell for it again? Dumbass.
Vadim mutters something under his breath. His voice is a little muffled by his mittens, but I'm close enough that I can hear a few curses.
Vadim, are you okay...?
Bah. I'm fine. Not that you need to care about it, anyway.
Okay, Marina, you got me. I've got nothing else... I swear.
Vadim approaches Marina slowly, he tosses his hands in the air.
Oh? You gave up rather quickly... I wasn't expecting that.
Yeah, well, I'm fucking freezing. It's cold as hell out here and you threw a snowball right on my face.
Hmph. Guess you got to know what it feels like, then.
Vadim grumbles beside Marina, and she lightly punches him in the shoulder.
We set off from the standstill, quietly at first. Vadim still seems to be a little angry at Marina. But eventually, that melts away, and he begins bickering with her once again. I trail the two slightly behind them.
I don't really mind if either of them talk to me or not. Being with them both is nice. I'm still having fun, even if I don't show it to them.
It doesn't take us long to reach the main avenues of our town. The school's not very far - it's just a set a little away, closer to the wooded side of town.
As we walk around, we pass a few others in the streets. The Sun will still be up for a while longer, and it isn't entirely night, yet - so it's a nice time to take a walk around town.
Well, that is to say, it's cold, but not too cold; nor is it too dark. I usually like to walk by myself around this time.
So what are we gonna do, since we're here? ...You wanna watch a movie, or something?
Well... only if Asya's gonna be normal this time.
I dunno about you, but I dont wanna walk all day, you know.
Meh... not feeling it today. What movies are even on in the theatre at this time, anyway? It's too early.
You're picky with the time you go to the movies, too?
We basically just got out of school, and it's the middle of the week. Do you think there'd be any interesting movies on right now?
It's probably stuff for... adults, or old people, or something. They're boring.
Haah... that's true, I guess. Ugh.
We could see what else there is at the community centre...
Like what? the library? It's a library, you don't go there with friends for fun.
...I do...
You write poetry - you're, like, weird or whatever.
Don't call her weird!
Oh, what's the problem? You white-knighting for her now?
N-no, it's just... that's mean to say to her, you know.
Marina... it's fine.
Yeah, see? Even she doesn't care about it.
C'mon, you don't have to worry about something as little as that. Surely they say worse things in your grade, right?
...Whatever.
Marina leaves it at that for a few moments. Once the somewhat awkward silence has passed, Vadim pesters her again.
...Anyway, seriously, what are we gonna do? I wanna go do something interesting.
Let's go throw rocks at other people's windows, that'd be fun, right?
I'm just... really tired today. Don't wanna do anything too much.
Oh? You looked pretty fine while you were throwing snowballs at my face.
Well... that's something else. I can throw snowballs at your face all day and not get tired.
But anyway... let's go find somewhere to sit, yeah?
And then we can visit the store, for that little something I want, hm?
Ugh, yeah. I get it. I wasn't gonna try to forget about it.
Let's just go.
Yeah, let's go.
We walk through the city streets, for a few minutes. Eventually, we settle on a bench in the town centre. It's a nice spot.
As I sit, I don't really listen to the two converse... instead, I feel as though time is rushing me by, without a care for me or the world.
I feel like I'm not really paying attention to anything, and eventually...
When I begin to pay atttention once again, it's night. It's winter, so it's not out of the ordinary for night to come quickly, but I didn't expect it to come this quickly. The streetlights turn on before it gets too dark to see.
The other two babble beside me. I'm not really listening to their conversation... but it still feels nice to be near them both again.
I look at a nearby streelight. The light flickers a tiny bit - almost imperceptibly. The light it casts illuminates the little snowflakes that drift by on the wind.
I stare at the light. It's so white... and it's bright. It's like the Sun during a summer day, or a star at night. The light buzzes. It's an incessant noise, the droning... but it's calming and... hypnotic.
Helloooo? Asya? We're going now - come on.
We'll just leave you behind if you don't come.
Oh, um, sorry! Wait for me, I'm coming.
Took you long enough. Let's go.
...Where are we going?
Oh, just the store. 'Cause Vadim here owes me a certain something, don't you?
Yeah, yeah. I already said I would, like, a minute ago. You can stop pestering me about it.
You don't think I forget that easily, do you? I'm not stupid.
Uh huh, toootally...
The three of us walk through the streets. It's gotten colder, so there aren't as many people out and about the streets as before. They're probably at home.
The store is pretty close to the town centre, so we don't have to walk too far. No one talks while we walk, there isn't really time for a full conversation until we arrive.
Vadim - you can go inside. I'll be coming in in a minute.
Sure.
The store's bell jingles as Vadim opens the door. The glass door slowly closes behind him.
Asya, you want anything from the store?
If I'm calculating it right, I should have enough money left over for a snack or something...
Oh, no thanks. I'm fine.
Hm, okay. Then I'll be going, give me a minute.
Marina quickly heads inside the store after Vadim. The door closes before she can hear my reply.
...I'll wait here.
Yellow light streams through the storefront's window. Patches of ice on the street gleam, reflecting the light.
The lightbulbs of the store are quite old. They've been the same as far as I cah remember, it's the same exact yellow hue from my childhood.
I wonder if they'll replace them with the newer lightbulbs, soon? Though I do like the yellow light of the older lightbulbs more than the white light of the newer ones...
Marina and Vadim come out from the store soon enough. Marina carries with her a little plastic bag in one hand, and her soda in the other.
...You're really sure you didn't shake this while I wasn't looking?
No ma'am. I would never do that.
Good. You'd better not.
Marina now focuses her attention on her soda. She slowly unscrews the bottle, holding it away from her face as if she's defusing a bomb. Nothing happens.
...Hmph, guess you weren't lying then.
Hah, why would I? That'd be a waste of a rouble, wouldn't it?
Whatever. You've done it before, it's not out of the question.
The three of us stand beside the storefront for a few moments. I look down, there's some snow on my boots. I shake it off.
Across from Marina, I notice Vadim starting to get a little fidgety... that's strange, I didn't think he was the type to get anxious.
Anyway... if that's it, I need to go home. It's getting pretty late.
See ya, Marina... and you too, Asya, I guess.
Mhm. See ya tomorrow, Vadim.
...Bye, Vadim.
And with that, Vadim leaves us, walking silently into the night.
A few moments pass, and Marina taps me on the shoulder. I turn to look at her, and she starts shuffling in her bag...
Um, I got you something from the store, you want it? I know you said you didn't want anything, but...
Oh... um, you didn't need to do that...
It's fineee. I mean, that's what friends are for, right? Take it, I insist.
Marina pushes her gift into my hands. It's a little sleeve of shortbread cookies.
Oh!... thank you.
Yup. Don't worry about paying me back, it's on the house.
So, what do you wanna do now? Are you gonna go home?
It's getting kind of late, so... probably, yes.
Alright... want me to walk you? To your apartment, I mean.
Um... sure. Let's go?
Mhm. Let's go.
The residential block's not very far from the town's centre, either. Marina walks beside me, her coat swaying in the wind. She doesn't really talk much, as we walk. Maybe she's just exhausted... or she doesn't want to bother me.
So... how have you been?
...Um, I've been fine, I guess. Or, well, fine since... you know.
Yeah, it's been the same with me, mostly...
Well, did you have fun today, at least? ...Was Vadim bothering you a lot?
I mean, I guess... I don't really know him as well as you do, and he has other friends, so...
But I did have fun with you two! Even if I didn't talk a lot.
Oh, I wasn't reading it like you didn't. I was just asking 'cause you were smiling the entire time.
I-I was?
Mhm, you were! But you were also staring into space a lot, though...
...But, anyway, like I said, we can definitely plan something to do without him - if you want to do anything.
Oh, hm... we haven't been to the cafe in a while, right? Maybe we could go there...
You said you'd get me the... bird... thing, last time?
Ohhh, I completely forgot about that. We can!
The, uh... Bird's Milk soufflé. That's what I wanted to get you.
We could go later this week? I dunno when you're free, so... you know.
Maybe this weekend? I'm free then.
Sure. It'll just be the two of us, no Vadim... unless you wanna invite someone?
Oh, um, I don't really know anyone else that would want to go, so... no.
That's fine.
...Where's your apartment, by the way? We've been walking for a while.
It's right here, by the edge of the block...
Oh, that one? Okay.
We approach my apartment. I put the code into the door into the complex.
I turn the handle... and stop halfway. I should ask Marina if she wants to come in. I want to talk to her about something... and it's only polite, besides.
...Marina, do you want to come inside? It's, um, kind of cold, so... I don't want to leave you out by yourself.
Oh... sure, I'll stay for a bit.
I have to force the door open, since it's a little frozen. I let Marina go inside first. I head in after her, and shut the door behind me.
We're at bottom floor of the stairwell of my apartment complex. It isn't very warm, but at least it's warmer than it is outside.
Brr... it really is cold outside. I'm completely frozen.
Yeah... it is. Do you want my scarf? I'm pretty warm already...
Oh, no thanks, I'm not gonna die or anything. Thanks for the offer, though.
...Where's your apartment?
It's, um, on the top floor.
If you don't want to come up, it's fine. It's a lot of stairs, so...
It isn't that bad. I live on the top floor of my complex, too. I'm used to it.
Oh... okay.
We climb the concrete stairs. Our footsteps echo up the stairwell of my apartment complex.
Eventually, we reach the top of the stairs. Marina catches her breath behind me as I unlock the door to my apartment. The door swings open.
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
No reply. The apartment's empty. I guess they're busy tonight, like usual...
...I guess they aren't here?
I guess so. ...Do you want tea or anything?
Nah, I'm okay. I'll just sit for a while.
I walk with Marina through the entrance of the house. The hallway is a little cramped, so I walk in front of her. I bring Marina to the living room.
Once we arrive, Marina places her plastic grocery bag by one of the coffee table's legs. I put the cookies she bought for my on the table. Marina throws herself on the couch, sprawling across it.
I sit on the armrest opposite to Marina. She takes up most of the couch's cushions, anyway. I take one of the pillows and put it on my lap, resting my hands on it.
We sit on the couch for a while. Marina looks like she's fighting off sleep. I'm not as tired, though.
I... I wanted to talk to her about something, didn't I? ...Right, I did. About Ira.
Um, thanks for coming with me.
Yeah, it's no problem, I guess. Why're you thanking me?
I... wanted to talk to you about something, in private. W-without Vadim at least.
Uh, okay...? What do you want to ask, then?
It's about, um, Ira. How have you been... dealing with it? Her disappearance, I mean.
There's a long silence between Marina and I. She just looks up at the ceiling with a deadpan expression, staring into space. She doesn't look tired anymore, just... defeated.
She lets out a short sigh. Even though it's short... I can still hear her voice crack with sorrow. As she speaks, I can hear her choke on the words.
...I haven't. Not at all, really.
You... haven't?
Lately... not really. I feel like since we've started doing... this... it's gotten worse.
It's just... whenever I'm alone, at night, the scene of her coming back to my apartment replays in my head. The state she was in... how she just... left.
What should I have done? should I have chased her down? could I have done anything different? It-it's a silly thought, since I can't change anything now, but...
I-I kind of hate myself, for not doing anything when I could have. Especially considering... you.
I dunno if she'd want me to say this, but... you, um, meant a lot to Ira. She-- she liked you.
And now she's gone, so... she never really got to say that to you, did she?
Marina starts tripping over her words. Between every sentence and pause I can hear a barely choked-back sob. But... but I'm not even paying attention to her while she rambles.
...I'm really-- I'm sorry for her, for you, for everything. And I just... it's a lot for me. And-- and I can't just keep it all in me.
I just... I try to feel nothing about it... but it's... it's impossible. And... and now, there's just this... vague absence in the shape of her in my heart. It eats away at me... and I can't even ignore it, because all of that nothing takes up space.
And-and I just can't forget about her and get rid of it. B-because she... she gave me this hairband as a stupid birthday gift and now if I-- if I throw it away, I'll throw her away too. And I want to keep remembering her, and it's just... I hate it!
Marina turns over, smothering her face into the pillow she was lying on. I hear her starting to cry.
Fuck!
Marina sobs into the pillow... I stare at her, dumbfounded. What. What? Her cries fade into the backdrop. She said-- surely she meant something else by that - I misheard her, right?
S-someone like Ira, liking someone like me? That can't be true, can it? I'm worthless compared to her. That's like... I'm like a gnat compared to the Sun.
Why would she care about someone like me? Why someone completely unworthy of anything?
I never deserved her. She wasn't meant for me to know... to be with... was she?
...Yes, she wasn't. She was like a shooting star. Something to be admired at by the lowly creatures of the earth... and then disappear.
Always out of reach, something--someone--you'll statistically never see again. Ever.
...But some part of me still thinks Marina's right. That she did. I don't know if it's true... or if I'm just indulging in my fantasies, but... I feel like she might be right. Maybe Ira did... maybe she still does.
And... she slipped through my fingers. I never got to... know her. To be with her, truly. I feel like our time together was... incomplete.
I... I asked you before, if I could see her one more time. I still want to. But now... I don't care if you think I'm greedy or not.
I-I want to see her again, please. I want to know. I don't just want... Marina to tell me, in her stead.
Oh- Marina is still... crying. That's not good, is it?
Even if Ira isn't here, Marina was an old friend to her... and I don't think she'd would want me to leave Marina like this. If I were Ira, I wouldn't. I'll... see if I can help.
I softly put the pillow on the couch, and sit on the floor besides Marina. Her chest heaves, her body shaking.
I touch her arm gently. Marina slowly stops... and looks at me. Her eyes are red and puffy. She sniffles.
It-it's okay. You can't really... do anything about it now, right?
I still just... I don't know. I... I feel like you do, about her.
B-but I'm here. You don't need to go through this all by yourself...
We can... remember her, cherish her together.
Our threads with her can't be cut, so long as we live, right?
Even if Ira isn't here anymore... she wouldn't want either of us to be like... this, right?
It's... the least I can do to help you, right? You're my friend... and Ira's.
...I-- th-thank you.
Marina almost forces the words out. It looks like it's taking everything in her to not burst again. She looks away... uncertain.
Can-- can I stay over... tonight?
Y-yes. Of... of course.
Marina pushes herself upright on the couch. She sits for a moment, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She takes a deep breath in, and sharply exhales. Despite everything, she looks at me with a small smile.
I-I need to call my brother. Um, just to let him know I'm here.
Oh, okay. The phone is over there... on the table.
Marina leans over the couch, picking up the phone from the end table beside her. She takes the receiver and brings it to her ear, then she spins the rotary dial to call... whatever number she's calling.
I sit on the couch, next to Marina. She puts one of her hands on mine she waits for an answer. If it makes her feel better, I don't mind. But it's not like I have a choice, she's squeezing my hand tightly... like she's afraid to let me go.
Hi, Lev!
...I-I'm okay, it's just... I've been outside all day. I'm just cold, that's all.
...Oh, I'm just calling to say I'll, um, be at a friend's house tonight.
...Y-yeah, you know I always have them. ...Don't worry, I'll be okay.
...Um, yeah, I've bought the groceries. I'll bring it... after school tomorrow.
...That's it. I'll call you back in the morning. Love you.
The receiver clicks as she sets it down. Marina sighs.
We sit in silence for a while. Marina breathes in and out, almost rhythmically. When she speaks, she returns to her usual attitude. It's almost like she didn't just... break down a few minutes ago.
...Um, wanna go to your room? I'm gonna get bored, here.
Oh... sure. Follow me.
I enter my room first. It's the same... nothing's changed. There's my bookshelf, stacked with my journals and a few copies of some books I like; my desk, with a few loose papers strewn across it... I should tidy it later; and my bed, I made it in the morning.
Marina looks around, surveying the new territory. She's only the second person who's seen my room. I don't bring anyone here, really, it's... my refuge, you could say. The last time anyone else has been here was... when Tosya was still here.
Oh, wow. Your room is... way cleaner than mine, haha.
Yours isn't?
No, it's just... I-I haven't cleaned in a while. Lots of unorganised stuff on my desk and shelves...
Oh, okay. I usually try to, um, clean my room every night, before I sleep. Maybe you should try that, if it helps?
...That sounds like a lot of work.
I mean... not really. Since I do it every day, there isn't really much to clean up...
I guess so...
...I'm really feeling tired now. I'm gonna go on the bed.
Marina flops on my bed, taking off her hairband and placing it gently on my desk. She goes under the blankets, wrapping them around her.
I stare at Marina on my bed, she looks untidy, dishevelled. She has some bags under her eyes... were they always there, or are they new?
...Honestly, I don't blame her. The way she talked about Ira's disappearance... it's been the same for me, too.
I've had sleepless nights - peeking out the curtains of my room, looking under the bright-white streetlights... hoping that maybe, maybe, she came back to Vorkuta-5. Back to me and Marina.
Then, if that happened, I would invite her in, make her tea... does she like tea? We could talk about something, maybe I could read her the poem I wrote... maybe she wrote one for me, too? Maybe we could even--
No, that's silly. She left for a reason. If she wanted to go, or if the universe wanted her to leave, then she won't return. Unless...
...Hey, Asya, where are you gonna sleep?
I, uh, don't have another bed, but that's fine... I'll just sleep at my desk, or on the floor, or...
You're gonna freeze if you sleep on the floor. The bed's big enough for both of us.
I... isn't that weird?
...Hmm? What is?
Um, you know... sleeping together. T-that's weird... right?
Not really... it's like a sleepover. That's normal. You never been at a sleepover before?
I-I have. Just not at my house... and we usually slept in different beds.
Oh, right. I should've... expected that. Sorry.
Still... I can make space for you. The bed isn't that small.
Marina lifts the blanket up, inviting me to sleep with her. I hesitate for a moment, but I reluctantly crawl under the blanket with her. If it'll make Marina feel better...
I lay down on the opposite end of the bed. Marina has the only pillow - she's the guest so... it's polite to let her have it.
...We can share the pillow. You'll ruin your neck if you sleep on the mattress.
I, um... okay.
I move closer to Marina, still staring at the ceiling. She does the same beside me. I feel restless in the silence between us.
Marina breaks the silence first.
...Why do you look so sad? That expression doesn't look good on you. Cheer up.
Hey! Stop that!
Marina pokes my side under the blanket. I slap away her hands after the surprise of the first few pokes.
Hey! Stop that!
Hehe... are you feeling better? ...I am.
Ow... not really...?
Marina pulls the blanket over my head.
Ah! Don't-- let me out!
Hey!- stop flailing, I'm not suffocating you, dummy! You don't think I'd do that, do you?
Marina re-straightens the blanket while she reprimands me. My lamp's light intrudes the seams of the blanket, lighting it just enough so I can see her.
Ha... you done now? You aren't gonna nip at me, are you?
No... I won't. Sorry.
It's fine...
We stare at one another in the cramped space. My bed's warm and comfy... I feel like I could sleep here forever. I close my eyes...
...Do you-- um, can I... hug you?
Oh- um... yes, that's okay.
Marina pulls me closer to her. I feel the heat from her body, her heartbeat, her soft breaths on my face, ruffling my hair. She's like a pillow.
She hugs me for a few minutes. I lightly put my arms around her, too. We don't talk, but I don't mind. It... it's nice. I like this, actually.
We're... we're gonna be okay, right?
Y-yeah, we will... d-don't worry.
I look up at Marina, she looks back at me. I quickly bat my eyes away from her. I don't want to look her in the eyes.
Now that I can feel it... I feel very warm. That's strange.
I feel filled, but... this moment, this scene, still, feels incomplete. This pinpoint in time, without Ira... it's like a portrait without a person.
I wish she could've been here with me, with Marina...
Though, honestly... I don't think Ira would like doing this. A sleepover, I mean. Doing whatever Marina and I are doing.
She'd never want to do that. No matter how hard I'd wish for her to.
But at least... Marina is here. She's something I can hold onto. Someone I can look forward to having, even if it's momentary.
I'm... I'm sorry she isn't here. I just-- still... I wish I stopped her.
...I wish I stopped her, too.
But it's okay, at least we're... um, together, right now.
It's better than being alone. Thank you, Marina.
Yeah... thanks, Asya. Goodnight.
I hug Marina closer. She chuckles under her breath, a little. I like her laugh, it's cute.
But... is this really how the night is meant to end? Marina and I together... and Ira, still missing.
Despite everything I've said and thought... if she's not returned, I can only hope she's okay, wherever she is. I hope she isn't scared. I wish I could be there with her, to tell her it's okay...
That it will all be okay.
Even if... even if she wouldn't want me there, or maybe she really, truly hates me. Still, I want to see her again, to say one final goodbye.
So my last memory of her won't be her crying and distraught. So we can talk. So I can really, really know if I meant anything to her. I wish I could...
I-I don't know, I'll figure it out later. Right now... my eyelids are heavy, I'm sleepy.
Maybe tomorrow I'll see her. Maybe you'll bring her back for me. If you do, thank you. My love for you will be infinite... well, it already is, but it'll be another plus one. And that will add up over time, won't it?
Whatever, I'm just babbling now. Goodnight, Marina. Goodnight, universe. I love you.