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Kip and I walked from the inn into the glorious spangled velvet of the night. The warm moist air was still a fresh change from the closeness within, and I rejoiced in having my dear friend to myself as we passed the fountain and set foot on the green. After a couple of songs I had caught Kip’s eye, and he had instantly realized that I wanted some time away from the others—or perhaps he had the same desire and took my glance as confirmation. The dinner had been pleasant, lightened further with the hilarity of Rhodin’s realization that his correspondent was indeed Sardeet Avramapul. But now, finally, I was with Kip, walking across the green toward a place where we could sit, alone and hopefully undisturbed.
The fireflies swirled around us like dancing courtiers as we walked across the green. Under the canopy they were more numerous and defined the edges of the trees, surrounding us more closely with each step we took. I stopped us, and with my free hand I settled the harp more firmly on my shoulder before slowly reaching out. Several swirled around my cupped fingertips, their golden bodies shining in the lights of their tails, their wings a blur around them. Then one lit, blinking, on my forefinger. Turning toward Kip, I gently lowered my arm to bring it between us.
"Today is generous with gifts and marvels."
"As the one it chose, you may make a wish."
"A wish?" I looked at Kip’s strangely lit face, his dark eyes reflecting constellations of fireflies. And I wished. I wished Kip would kiss me. And he was.
A hand behind my head lowered my mouth to his. His lips brushed mine, moved up and down over mine, and pushed in, exploring for a separation, which I granted without a thought. I could hardly have a thought except that Kip held me, his mouth against mine. I must have pulled him closer, our joined hands pulled to my chest, the hand that had held the firefly reaching around his back almost to his opposite shoulder. The kiss went on, his lips traveling and moving against the upper, then lower, while his hand moved steadily against my neck and skull. It was like a conversation with him, a questing, a proposal, an offering, heady and inviting and deeply transgressive to everything I had been. Our mouths had opened, and our tongues were exploring each other’s contours and that of all that surrounded them. Again, the dialogue of darting thrusts and twisted entanglement, of suction and release, pulled me in.
Had I ever kissed so? Knowing who I kissed so well and yet had hardly ever touched? My whole body woke to him, and I pressed my erection against his hard hip and firm stomach, barely constraining myself from lifting against that ridge. My closer leg had slipped between his and pushed in to meet his arousal—and met softness. His kiss was all fire, his chest pressed tight against mine, but below, nothing. I did not want to stop kissing him. I could not continue.
I pulled my hand across his back, never losing touch. I traced up his shoulder to his face and slowly bent my head forward to lever our jaws apart. I cradled the side of his face. I kept my forehead against his as my breathing steadied, and though I did not move away—nor did he—I relaxed the hold I had on his hand and tilted my hips back. Still, I was close enough to know his breath was coming quickly, that he was not calm, though whether excited or upset I could not tell. I would give myself a few more breaths before leaving this wordless closeness. Those few breaths were themselves a snare, as they allowed the scent of him into the innermost walls of my defenses and soothed and comforted a hurt I could scarcely examine. I did not want to draw in any other air.
Still, I feared he would pull away, that he would be hurt if I did, that there was something both sharp and fragile between us, that we were sharp and fragile. The hand that had cupped the back of my head was now on my shoulder. I lowered my cheek to press it there and turned to touch my lips to it before I straightened up and moved my free hand to his shoulder. I needed to see his face.
His eyes, still sparkling with firefly reflections, were huge, amazed, and puzzled, and his mouth, lips slightly parted, slowly settled into a slight smile. I did not recognize that expression, as much as I had studied his face. Perhaps it was closest to that when I had announced him as my Lord Chancellor before his community. But something, more than one thing, was different. He was not repelled, but I could find no hint of my own earlier elation, my deep completion, in him.
"I enjoyed that very much, Kip. But I gather it was my wish, not yours, that was being answered. I won’t assume it was. Was it unwelcome?”
“Unexpected, and yes, I was disturbed for a moment, but you were so clearly pleased I was happy to continue. Strange though, to feel myself move without thought.”
That made me uneasy. Made me wonder if the wish had changed how he felt. “You had no similar wish?”
"My.. Fitzroy, my wish would not have been so specific." He was smiling, perhaps a bit ruefully, but that reassured me as well. This was Kip, completely himself.
"But you do have a wish, or perhaps wishes, for us, for the two of us? I know I do. When we returned from your marvelous gift of a vacation, you mentioned knowing me as a friend. I remember every word you spoke on that occasion."
"Every word is as true now." He drew my hand to his lips and stroked the back of my hand along his cheek. "When you left, I realized that you took my purpose with you. I had done what was most important to me and lost any enthusiasm for governing. Changing the world was just work when I was no longer able to present it to you. Of course I didn’t neglect my duties, but I could see others were putting more into them as well, doing them better than I could."
"Oh, Kip, as if you could neglect anything. I’ve missed you! Even in the first heady rush of freedom, you were the touchstone against which I placed each action. After I joined Masseo, I was struck by how much I’d come to depend on your belief in me as a man. I was angry that he, that Jullanar and Pali too - only saw, only wanted Fitzroy, and I’ve learned that their Fitzroy is now more of a myth than the Emperor. Oh, does that disturb you?" I did recognize Kip’s look of dismay. This was the man who had hummed Aurora before the Emperor.
"It disturbs me that you felt unrecognized. Old friends and family are often slow to adjust to changes they were not there for."
"As you well know."
"I do. And you know they can’t help grieving for the man they knew, can’t help hoping for him to answer when they speak. How could they not miss Fitzroy Angursell?" Kip had, after all, written the paean declaring I should be named Poet Laureate. Perhaps I shouldn’t reveal my own conviction that, as Fitzroy, I had been a better poet than a man, and that I was no longer even a poet.
"Kip, most of them were arguing about continuing as the Red Company for months before the end. They, Damian and Pharia, wanted to settle with their children, and the others had had enough of adventuring. Enough of being chased and waking up not knowing what world they would be in at night. For all Jullanar believes in talking problems through, she hardly spoke to me those months."
"Perhaps they’ve forgotten that, or they now feel guilty that they were freed at your expense. My family regularly derides me for my youthful temper and boasting but claims they miss who I was. You had achieved so very much, had written the songs and poems that became the language of my heart, of many more hearts than mine. You made them legends."
"Perhaps they wanted to be men and women. Perhaps they wanted the common and ordinary goods I sang of, which to me were unobtainable wonders."
"Perhaps so. But Pali, Jullanar, Masseo, and Sardeet left their lives to adventure with you now, Fitzroy, so they must have missed it as well. Even I, longing to meet you as Fitzroy, entertain the fancy of adventuring with the Red Company."
"Even you, Kip? Even the man who flung himself across a chaotic, uncrossable world and a sea of storms to help his homeland. The man who took on a world full of unscrupulous aristocrats and tamed them into something resembling an effective government? I should think one of my sort of adventures is a stroll for a man who dances through fire. And I can’t speak for the Red Company, but I have long fancied adventuring with you.” His smile at this was one of complete and unrestrained joy. He looked down briefly then, his face still full of excited happiness, fixed me with those glorious eyes.
"Fitzroy, did you wish for me to kiss you?"
"Ah, yes, that. I did. I wanted you so much and thought you might want me but not feel sure enough to ask. You aren’t always as confident as you should be."
"Oh, I never imagined you would want me. I mean as a lover. I don’t imagine anyone being my lover. Or at least not until they ask. Wanting you as a friend, a dear friend, a great friend—yes, I want that; I imagined that. And then you were Fitzroy Angusell, and …"
"And if I ask? Will you imagine us? I do love your imagination. I had such hope when Basil said I was practically family."
"He was referring to an Islander custom." It struck me how important Islander customs were to Kip, and that it might please him to explain this one.
"Come, let’s continue to the Falls and hope to find a spot to rest while you tell me what he meant. I thought I had a comprehensive knowledge of marriage and family customs for Zunidh, but I must have—wait—you said "great friend"—those were the words you used for Aurelius and Elonoa’a. Kip, did you, do you, consider yourself Elonoa’a to my Aurelius?" I could tell the color of his face changed. Oh, how I wanted to have light to see that change more clearly. He looked delighted, abashed, and frightened perhaps, like he did not know if he could bear to look at me or turn away. I lowered my forehead to his and held his shoulders, feeling the imprint of his fingers on my freed hand.
"Kip, you are my dearest, my closest, my most beloved friend, and I will fight to spend every moment with you that you can bear."
"Fitzroy, that is every moment. I imagined every day, though I hoped only for some. I made sure there were rooms for you in our house. I wanted you to feel you can have a home there with me, with your household." Until he mentioned the house I hadn’t known the weight I’d carried, imagining him returning to a life in Gorjo City without me. It was as freeing as flying.
"Yes, Kip, yes. Beyond yourself, your company, your friendship, you could not offer me anything closer to my heart’s desire."
"Not even a kiss?"
"If it was your desire, Kip, it would be precious, but a home with you is incomparable." Some tension left his shoulders. He took a deeper breath, then another.
I did not want to move. I wanted to lean into his solid strength, into the compassion of his great heart, and yes, to breathe in the heady comfort of his scent. I had no qualms about relishing that.
"Fitzroy." My name fell from his lips, a bare whisper.
"Yes, Kip?"
"Will you be my fanoa?"
"Yes, Kip, will you be mine?"
"Oh yes."
"Now will you explain to me what we have promised each other?"