Chapter Text
(Atsushi Pov)
It feels just like yesterday when I was by the river ready to steal just so I could live. I dont think I'll ever forget the day Dazai took me in the agency but that isnt the only thing I remember from that day. On that day the only reason I even met Dazai was because I saved him from drowning himself, while its not like I had known him at the time it was still scary to think someone would try and do that. I couldnt just let someone do that to themselves, I couldnt stand to see someone die before me and so I jumped in and got him out.
He wasnt pleased at all to see someone had saved him, he 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 it to work, he always wants it to. His attempts arent too often but when they do happen it always makes my heart feel tight. Ever since I had met Dazai I never once had understood why he'd want to take his own life, was it truly all just a joke? But I see how he looks, some days he's paler and his eyes look duller as if any happiness had drained out of him the night before. He still jokes around no matter what his eyes tell that day, no matter if the day before he tried to end it again, its all just a joke to him and to the others too.
They all act like its nothing, just a typical day, they even go as far as to say "maybe it'll work this time" and I cant help but feel upset at those words. How do they not care if Dazai lives or dies? It feels like me and Kyouka are the only ones who dont say that stuff, she doesnt worry outright but I can tell she doesnt find the jokes funny either. The others just joke about it, even Kenji doesnt seem all too worried about it either, he seems more interested in his desk plant than if Dazai were to attempt. Yosano, Ranpo, Tanizaki, and Kunikida all just joke about it and get annoyed with it and the president Fukuzawa and Naomi dont seem to acknowledge it at all.
Though I do know one person at least cares more than he lets on. He fidgets with his pen and checks his phone when Dazai is late, he does his work but also looks at the door seeing if Dazai is there. Its Kunikida. I never noticed that he does indeed care for Dazais absence until I started to try and distract myself from thoughts one day and now I cant help but notice it every time Dazai isnt there. Kunikida tries to act like he doesnt care but I can see he really does. If all three of us, Kunikida, Kyouka, and me all care about him then why does he still feel the need to end it?
I dont understand it at all and the more I think about it the more confused I feel. We all care, even if the others joke I know they must care even just a little so why does Dazai still do it? Does he not know we care? Do we have to outright tell him we care for him to know? Maybe we all should tell him, maybe then he'll stop or even open up to someone! My hopes are high and unfortunately my expectations were too. When Dazai came in today I knew I had to tell him I cared and so did the others!
Though the time for that didnt come until later, it was time to head home and some people were already gone while others were getting ready to leave. And so, the moment was perfect, it was the time to strike..."Hey Dazai!" I say to him as he's still lazying around, he sits up "Oh Atsushi, what has you coming to talk to me? I know im great but I dont need your attention, its too precious!" he says in his usual dramatic and silly way. Oh great...hopefully he takes what i say serious though, this was kind of awkward to have to tell him this but I'll do it nonetheless.
"Well I just wanted to say..." I pull out a sheet of paper I had decorated with the words 'we care about you!' in marker "We all care about you!" it was a bit awkward as i said that. Dazai smirked a bit then said "Oh im charmed you took time to say that to me but of course, I already know that" it felt like he wasnt taking my words seriously "No Dazai-" I put the piece of paper down "I mean it, we all do care about you Dazai....I know life isnt always the best or easiest but that doesnt mean youre alone or uncared for! All of the agency cares for you, even if its hard to see, we really do!" I hope my words will make him realize im serious about it but yet his words remain silly. "Oh what kind words you have there for me, thank you Atsushi but I dont need care, all I need is a beautiful woman with me in the end"
Why cant he see im being serious? Why wont 𝘩𝘦 be serious right now? "No Daz-" but he cuts me off before I can say anything else "Well its the end of the day, how about we head home, hm? The food is calling my name and I cant deny that" he says then stands up and saunters towards the door "Dazai!" I quickly try and follow but he is already out the office by time I make it to the door. Damnit, he didnt understand my words at all "Dont try kid" Kunikida says from behind me, I quickly turn around "What do you mean?" "Dont try to get him to understand what you meant, he knows but wont say it." but why? why would he act like he didnt understand then?
"So he knows we care?" It sounded like a stupid question but I had to make sure, Kunikida let out a sigh "He hears and sees it but....im unsure if he believes it." why wouldnt he believe it if we say it and show it? Kunikida speaks again "He's a grown man, dont worry about him, he can take care of himself. If he doesnt believe us then thats on him." he gets all his belongings together, ready to leave "But..." I want to say something but my words seem to not want to come out "He'll come to us if he wants to Atsushi....now go home, its getting late" Kunikida says then walks out the door to head home.
I stand there feeling defeated, there has to be something I can do to show I care, to make Dazai believe my words, right? There has to be, I 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 there is, I now feel more motivated to find a way to help, to show what I feel and maybe along the way I'll learn to understand Dazai a bit. While in the middle of my thoughts a voice interrupts them "Lets go home..." its Kyouka, oh yeah, she must be hungry for dinner. I snap out of my thoughts and nod "Yeah, lets go home." I smile and grab my stuff as me and Kyouka head out the door for the day, ready to go home and eat some food.