Work Text:
Tw: Suicide mention.
(From Silent Salt’s POV btw)
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“You were one of the best things that have ever happened to me. You never hated me or resented me for the things I had to do to keep my kingdom together in fear of them crumbling or worse, falling into their hands. The beasts, the same ones who caused this to happen.
All is meant to end I used to say, and all you can do is push forward and keep going. But for some reason I am stuck, after learning the news on what had happened and what that blue cookie had caused and the damage he had done that can never be repaired. And it’s the fact I can’t do anything about what he had done that hurts, I had sealed us away in the tree for millennia and yes I craved freedom but at this price? I would have stayed in that tree for another.
You said you would never let me fall, that I would never become one of them and that I would manage to keep my kingdom alive and our friendship. But it seems you couldn’t keep that big of a promise, I don’t hate you for it I never have it was all my fault and you couldn’t save me.
That same night I came crawling back to you, hoping you would have taken your sword and ended my miserable life. I would prefer you killing me rather than anyone else in earthbread. So at least I would have been killed by someone I loved rather than loathed or despised. Because I love you, I worshiped you, I cherished you, I adored you. Even if I wasn’t that great at showing it, I did and forever will until my time comes.
I always showed up to your kingdom unannounced and you hated it because you felt as if my time was wasted on waiting for you, but I loved waiting for you to open the gates for me because I knew I would be greeted with your smile and welcoming words.
I remember when I first showed up, the faeries hid wondering who I was, they were afraid of me because of my sword and armor, but you assured them I was a trustworthy friend who wouldn’t do harm like the other cookies did, and that I was a gentle soul.
That was true then, but now that is nothing more than a fleeting memory about me. Now I am wretched, broken, I feel nothing but self-hatred towards myself. And I am no gentle soul any longer, I have killed many including my own followers and am haunted by each of their souls daily to remind myself of how I failed them, and how I failed you as a friend. And I am not trustworthy. I kept secrets and I was not worth your friendship.
Trust I have now learned is something that only comes a few times in your life, and if someone trusts you that you should cherish them because those kinds of people don’t come often and that trust they share with you is a fragile thing, almost like glass. You can hit it a few times but once it shatters it’s almost impossible to mend back together without it shattering more.
You would be disappointed if you saw me now, for a cookie you came to love spending time around, that you laughed with, shared food with, had meetings with, you would be disgusted, and if I ever came to your gates ever again, I would be waiting there until nightfall, just for them to never open. Not for my voice or for my cries for help if I ever needed it.
I am no longer the gentle cookie who would help you feed the animals of the faerie kingdom, I am no longer the cookie who helped you water the flowers in the garden, I am no longer the cookie who used to talk about my horse and how he was doing every time you invited me into your kingdom, I am no longer the cookie who seems hope in cookiekind and the possibilities that could have happened, and I see our friendship as a waste
Not a waste because I didn’t cherish it, but a waste because I couldn’t protect you and a waste because we ended up like this in the end. I had plans for us, we could have taken my horse and explored every place you ever mentioned. We could have watched the stars at night as we traveled, not having to worry about our duties when we got back from our travels.
But it’s too late for that, it’s too late to say goodbye, it’s too late to hug you, and it’s too late to go on adventures, it’s too late to save cookiekind, it’s too late for me to ever change. And I hate the fact I can’t change for the good anymore and I can’t change for you.
You're like the dirt under my nails, no matter how many times I try to erase you from my memory, the feeling of you is still there and I can never get rid of it. No matter how hard I try you’ll be burned into my mind permanently because now that I have nothing to live for your all I can think about.
Sometimes I wake up hoping you’d be in the room next to mine but you're never there, and nothing about it seems right. It's too quiet without hearing you discuss plans for the kingdom and parties that you plan for the kingdom to have even if it was for the smallest things. Your warmth is gone, something I loved about you is gone and I hate it, I hate it. I miss how sometimes I would wake up next to you and I was too scared to even breathe wrong so you wouldn’t wake up, but little did I know you were doing the same, you were too scared to also breathe and we would both just lay there faking sleep until one of us were confident enough to move.
I no longer have anyone from my past, you're gone, my kingdom is gone, my soul is gone. For those things were the things I loved and treasured dearly, even if I still couldn’t show it. As I think about this I slowly realize I was never good with words and that's my fault, maybe I should have talked to other cookies more to help spread kindness like the other 4 beasts used to do. But I never could be them, for they served a better purpose than me and for that I’m useless.
As I stand in front of your grave, I wish this was all a dream or a cruel prank, or maybe even a dumb lie or rumor that stupid damn blue jester spread, but no it’s reality and that only thing that scares me is the fact I can’t face it, it’s the fact I am scared is what scares me the most and it’s the fact your not here to comfort me is what scares me also.
I haven’t stopped decorating your grave everyday, I adorn it with flowers and tree branches that fall off of the silver tree to create some kind of nest to go around a picture of you the other faeries have hung up on the silver tree, the kingdom is quieter now and I’ve been sneaking in at a certain time just to talk to you even if your not truly here and make sure no one has ruined your grave that i work on everyday.
..I met this white haired cookie, she is the other half of my souljam and.. for once I found a cookie who is actually dedicated to her goal, just like we were old friend. Her goal is like ours to attain true freedom for all cookiekind. At first I thought she was an insult to freedom but she proved her worth to own the other half of my souljam, and I think I have found someone I can finally trust again.. even if it’s just for a little while. You would have liked her, I wish you could have met her, she reminds me of you a lot but it’s too late for that now also.
Old friend, this is the last time I will visit you. War is coming and I cannot bear to come back here everyday without feeling more guilt on my shoulders that only weighs me down more then this armor I bare. Goodbye for good and just.. don’t forget about me in the afterlife. If that even exists but if it does please watch over me, though I’m sure you’ll be watching your kingdom as well.
Take care my dear friend I-”
Then I hear those familiar footsteps, I must have stayed later than I anticipated. It’s sunrise now, meaning I’ve been here for 3 hours. Which is way later then I wanted to stay but every moment is worth it in the end.
As I quickly rush off silently into the night finding my horse Nox outside the faerie kingdom walls I feel heavier.. I don’t understand why, this was supposed to make me feel lighter.
Maybe.. I am supposed to feel this guilt, and maybe I’m not worth him watching over me.
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