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What a pain. It's 9 o'clock and he just managed to leave the H.A.N.D headquarters after a full work day. His back and throat hurt like hell and he had that typical never goes away kind of sting on the back of his eyes.
Just another day of working for the government I guess.
He could take a shorter way home, call a taxi or something, but if something helped relieve his pains after his 9-5 (more like 5-9) job, was walking through the busy streets of Lumina Square.
The artificial lights glowed like stars at this hour. People going back to their houses, some after a day of working, shopping or everything that one can think of. Some are even just starting their day. Honestly everything is possible in New Eridu, and that's the beauty of it.
The sound of music, traffic, laughter, or even the bangboo fooling around. It all speaks about how alive the city is, it helped him remember why he has worked so hard his entire life. He felt proud of it one way or another.
That and the pharmacy. Mostly the pharmacy.
It was no use to wonder about it, so instead he wondered what to eat once at home. Maybe he should buy some takeout since he barely feels like cooking. Hell he barely feels like arriving home. Everything in this city is possible so why isn't there some sort of teletransportation device or something? There is this girl at H.A.N.D that can literally open portals as she pleases how come I'm stuck using public transport.
It's cold and all he can think of is his bed waiting for him.
He wasn't done crossing the street when the murmur of the city quieted down. That's weird, suddenly everyone was looking at him.
Harumasa wasn't a stranger to attention, you could even say he was some kind of idol, but this was different. Their faces didn't show admiration or excitement. Everywhere he looked, he saw eyes filled with fear. Huh?
He bumped into something. A kid. Maybe ten years old. Wait, isn't he way too small?
"Hey kiddo, I'm sorry. Are you lost or something?" The kid didn't react. He looked directly at him while giving Harumasa a plastic bag.
Inside of it were countless pills. Pills he knew too well to ignore.
How did...What is happening? Who is this kid?
He could feel a drop of sweat running down his neck. With trembling hands he looked back at the kid. He wasn't there, not the same one at least. Instead he saw a yellow-eyed kid in a hospital gown, one wished he wasn't so familiar with.
Is that...
He went to grab him. He needed to. But the moment he touched his younger version, he saw it.
That wasn't his hand.
Was it?
His blood went cold as he saw a black hand. Was it even a hand? A claw? You could barely call it that. It showed veins of that classic shade of green he trained himself to recognize everywhere.
As he struggled to understand what was going on, screams began flooding the street. Everyone was running away. Away from him. What? Why? I didn't do anything wrong I'm sure of it.
He was trembling. He was so so cold but so hot at the same time. Everything began to shift as he started running too. No no don't leave It wasn't me
It wasn't me
it wasn't me
It wasn't me
It wa
The screaming increased but he didn't care. There was no reason to run away from him and he needed someone to understand that. Anyone.
He isn't a monster, he isn't an ethereal, he could never be one but he also knew that was a lie. It was inside of him. No, it was him. But for dear life he clinged so bad to that thread of hope. Someone had to believe in him, right? He wasn't a monster, he never wanted to be one but life had to make a joke out of him. Eyes filled with fear, with every step he took he could feel how he was losing himself. Every sharp breath felt like a knife to his lungs
It was just too much. Everything was shifting and hurting and as much as he ran he never moved.
Until he saw it. He saw her.
He felt how the ground came back to his feet the moment those green eyes locked with his. He had something to rely on. Someone by his side. Someone who believes me.
He so desperately needed a hug. So he ran. She just looked at him with that sweet smile that made him feel like he was normal again. Like he never stopped being it. The relief was too much.
More than was allowed for him.
It happened in the blink of an eye. Suddenly his shivering arms were sticky, tainted in red, and those eyes he was so in love with no longer showed affection.
They showed fear.
And for the first time in his joke of a life he knew.
It was me
He opened his eyes as his chest moved like he just got out of a hollow. No, worse. Sweat clung to his skin as the sheets felt unbearably cold and wet. He could feel his heart in his ears, and for a moment he had no idea where he was. The only thing keeping him together was that sharp pain that ruptured his lungs for every breath he took. It felt familiar, at least.
He felt himself regain his awareness. He was in bed, out of danger.
What even happened?
His hand clung to his chest. He tightly grabbed his shirt as a way to calm down. He's in his house. In his room. There's nothing wrong. His brain was struggling to understand anything.
Truth is, nightmares weren't uncommon in his daily life. They started long ago, far too long ago to resemble any kind of normal kid behavior. So Harumasa was, in some kind of way, used to it. Or, as used as you can get to see yourself lose your humanity on the daily.
Still, it didn't make it any easier, that post-nightmare terror that felt deeply rooted in his bones.
Suddenly he felt something over his hand. Startled, he looked around him and there they were, those beautiful green eyes looking carefully at him. They weren't scared nor panicked, they showed worry. So much worry.
She's here. She's here and she's okay.
And for a moment he let himself relax. He so much wanted to melt in her arms and cry out loud. But she was here. With him.
But all that relief vanished the moment shards of broken and fake memories resurfaced all at once. He could faintly feel the warm rush of blood over his hands. It felt so real. Way too real. And suddenly he couldn't breathe anymore. I hurt her.
"Haru, are you ok?" He blinked and pushed himself as far as he could go. "It's just me, you don't have to be afraid." She said as softly as possible. Belle reached out once more to him, but he flinched. He hated himself so much, the only thing he wanted was her touch, her warmth, her love but he was afraid of himself. So afraid of hurting her again.
Harumasa looked so pathetic, he knew that. But there's no way he's going to risk harming Belle, the only one that would look at him.
She still tried anyway
"You had a nightmare. Everything's ok, everyone's ok. Try breathing with me" he followed her. It was hard not to. Every instinct screamed at him to run, but he wanted to believe. God, he wanted to cry so bad.
As Belle whispered sweet reinforcements, he could feel his body coming back to him. The adrenaline ran out as his senses returned. I'm ok, Belle's ok, I'm not a monster, at least not yet. He still felt that ghostly wetness, and he still was so cold.
"Can I hug you?" Just like that, he’s so sure she can read his mind.
And he didn't resist for a second more. He just couldn't do it anymore. All these lonely nights trying to calm himself down, hating his brain so much for tricking him like that. Cold nights, where he just braced himself so he could go back to sleep and hope Yanagi wouldn't notice his ever growing eye bags. Scratch that, hope Yanagi wouldn't say anything about it.
Still, Harumasa was so relieved. He had someone with him. Someone who saw the ugly, the broken and still stayed. She should be annoyed at being woken up by some scared grown ass man, like, you're an adult get your life together. But she wasn't. She showed him patience. She listened and understood him. So he allowed himself to indulge in this. Just once wouldn't hurt, right?
He immediately threw himself. He let himself loose and cried on her shoulder. He took all in, her warmth, her smell, the rise and fall of her chest. Because he needed to make sure she was here, she was alive and not dead in his hands.
Belle held him gently, telling him that everything was alright, not to be afraid anymore. And honestly, she was so sweet. Too sweet for him. Harumasa didn't deserve this.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
No, the last thing he wanted was to be back out there. He still could faintly hear the screams, but he wasn't that cold anymore.
He once told Miyabi. As his direct boss (Yanagi was technically his coworker, even if she gave him that pain in the ass one associates with a boss) she needed to know the reasons for his lacking performance in out-of-field work. He didn't want to, he hates the way everyone looks at him whenever the topic comes out. Like he's a crystal figurine with a "FRAGILE" sticker on top. Which, as much as he loathes it, is true. Still, Miyabi was the first to actually see him, she saw his potential, his ethics and deliberately chose him to be part of this legendary team of hers. So he told her.
And, for once, he felt a little of that burden of his disappear from his shoulders.
So maybe, if he told Belle about this, his chest could stop feeling like freezing.
So he did.
"I-I was going back home. On Lumina Square. Everything was normal but suddenly everyone just stopped talking and looked at me. Like I was some sort of... monster."
"Oh Haru..."
"And suddenly there was this kid handing me a bag of my pills, not even the tablets, just a bunch of pills b-but when I looked at him again he wasn't this random kid anymore but myself, a-and I freaked out." Tears started running down his cheeks.
"And everyone started screaming and running and it was just, too much and I was so, so scared. Scared of myself and... scared of being alone, I guess."
"Haru..."
"I was an ethereal but, god I needed to prove that they were wrong, I needed to prove to myself that I was wrong so I ran too. Until I saw you."
He faintly felt something wet on his hands. Maybe she started crying too. Fuck I'm so pathetic
But once the words started there was no way back. Breathing was getting harder by the second and the words felt like they were tangled to each other but he needed this, he needed this so bad so he pushed through.
"And I was so relieved I went to hug you but I-I guess I didn't control my strength a-and the next I know you are bleeding out on my arms and all I can see is that you were just as scared just like... everyone. Scared of me"
"..."
"And I am so afraid. I love you too much to handle the thought of hurting you, much less killing you." The words came out so fast there was no time to breathe. "Every day I fear what is going to become of me and what I am going to do to you. And I hate it. I hate myself so much for it"
Harumasa hardly opened up. They've been dating for months now but he never dared to speak up about this fear of his, like if somehow speaking about would make it real. But he needed someone, he just couldn't continue to do this alone. Belle always told him it was okay to ask for help. She'll understand, right?
However the silence kept growing. He opened his eyes (when did he close them?) to search for any kind of response.
Oh, but he wished so bad to have kept his eyes shut. Forever
He knew this was a horrible idea.
The warmth of her embrace cooled down the moment he looked down at his hands. Black claws that sliced her skin like paper. Fountains of crimson red blood that poured out of her fragile body out onto him. It was everywhere, his claws, arms, legs if you could even call them that. Everywhere he saw was tainted in that sickening, sticky and warm shade that shined in contrast to the almost neon green light that emanated out of his body. Out of him.
No no no no no no no no n
He flinched back as his ears began to ring once more. The once warm body, now free of its cage slumped forward, falling face down the now burgundy toned bed.
And once again, those eyes left him.
And he knew
It was me.
He was going to throw up.
He opens his eyes and looks at his hands. They were sweaty and trembling like never before, but there were no traces of red no matter how thoroughly he looked. Still, he could feel his heart on his throat and his blood on his ears, and the tears in his eyes and the red on his body.
His eyes wet and that flavor of vile at the back of his throat, ever threatening. Breathing hurt so bad but no matter how much air he sucked in he felt like nothing was reaching his lungs, just the stabbing he grew to find normal.
This time he gave himself no time to calm down. As something moved, he saw how those green eyes opened and looked at him. Annoyed at first, but incredibly worried merely seconds later.
No no no not again please I can't
So without giving it a second he ran. Somewhere far from her. Somewhere far from himself, if he could.
He ran because she loved him. She loved him so much it hurt. Harumasa knew when going into this relationship that it wasn't going to work. It was just impossible. He was too unstable and she was too stable. Belle deserved someone that could look at her in the eye and promise to always be at her side. Someone that could promise her a happy life, that could give her the movie-like ending she always dreamed of.
Honestly, it was hilarious.
That day they sat in a dark movie venue. Harumasa knew the movie was a tearjerker but he chose it anyway, hoping to see a flustered and somewhat vulnerable side of her. It was supposed to be cute, he would laugh a little at her before reassuring Belle that it was just a movie. He never intended to say those words to himself.
Harumasa said he had a good time, but the truth is, he hated the movie. Hated way too much to just brush it off as a weird-paced badly written mess. It was a mirror made to make fun of not just him, but him and Belle. To make fun of him and his feelings in this joke of a life he had to keep fighting for. The protagonist never cared how his fiancee felt. But Harumasa, he cares, he cares so much.
Now he knows it was too good to be true. Belle assured him that everything was going to be fine, that she knew Harumasa would never harm her, and that even if he did, she wouldn't care because she loved him so much and-
He was such a fool. For believing, for letting himself believe that everything was going to be fine, of course it wasn't going to be fine nothing is ever fine with me.
It was cold.
As he heard a rushed knocking, he opened his eyes (just stop doing that already). The first thing he saw was the cold white ceramic tiles of his bathroom. This time he wasn't shivering nor hyperventilating. He was cold but, calm, in a way.
He sat on the floor, between the kinda freezing surfaces of his toilet and the bath. After some further inspection he saw those familiar but haunting white dots scattered everywhere across the floor. At least he knew his delirious self didn't try anything stupid. Not that he would.
His stomach lurked like crazy, and there was this incessant noise he couldn't pinpoint. He saw drops of some fluid dripping down the cabinets that held the sink. At least that explains the god awful flavor on my mouth
He closed his eyes again. It was as pathetic as it gets. And what's worse, he couldn't call this the first time he found himself sobering up on his bathroom floor. Now his head throbbed with this constant rhythm that doesn't seem to stop-
The door. Right
He didn't think about it. He didn't have the energy nor the neurons to actually think and make the connection. So he moved on autopilot. Almost like when he was at work, running at those monsters without thinking because he know that if he stops to think for even a moment-
“Harumasa! Are you ok? What happened?”
…uh?
“You just took off running and locked yourself in here without saying anything I was so-”
He doesn't normally slam doors. Right, Belle. She wanted so badly to know my place she invited herself over for a movie night, which makes no sense with her running a literal movie rental. He was shivering again. But she brought over popcorn and almost every movie she could bring with her on her badly parked van she loves so much to drive around even after all those infraction tickets.
“Im sorry. Please just open the door…”
She was so impressed about how tidy everything was, talking about he she expected some sort of shithole since there was no way my lazy ass is physically capable of looking after myself in some sort of orderly manner. I didn't have the heart to tell her I don't have the energy to actually make a mess.
“You don't have to bear with this alone. Talk to me”
She also scolded me about having no sense of decoration. Too little stuff and too white, she said before taking out a collection of photos we took together since we met. Some with the team, with our friends, or just us. Suddenly my minimalistic way-too-white room “felt alive” with these disordered specks of color.
“Harumasa, please…”
I cooked her this recipe Soukaku would stop talking about at work. Belle took hundreds of photos before letting me eat, saying how envious Wise was going to be since all they eat is take out. For a moment I regretted cooking for her since she loved it so much she said she would be able to go back to eat the cold microwaved meals she lives on. Just for a moment though. She looked so happy I actually almost died at the spot.
“I won't leave until you say something. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but please…”
After the movie I volunteered to go sleep on the sofa, but she just looked at me with that shy look, too embarrassed to actually say it out loud. It was way too cute that it was unfair.
I couldn't resist it. Even though I knew I should.
“...let me be there for you.”
God, I'm so tired.
Before him, he faced the door. The fear of facing her. The fear of not being able to give enough. She deserves someone better but as selfish as it is, he really wants to convince himself that he is enough. Maybe, just maybe, he could indulge himself in his wish. Just this time.
So finally, he opens it. And he sees her. In his way-too-big clothes on her since she “forgot to pack her pajamas" and totally didn't want to steal them from him. Messy bed hair that told the story of what once was a peaceful night. Muddy makeup she forgot to take off. Wet eyelashes and trails of worry that fell down her eyes.
No blood, no pale, limp, broken body.
So it was a dream after all. Of course it was a dream
Honestly.
Now he was crying too.