Work Text:
Namo sat, slumped forward, his head resting on his crossed arms. His eyes were closed. Tightly. He was trying as hard as he could to keep himself from crying. The tears begged to come, clawing at his throat. He took a deep breath. Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying. He repeated in his head. But the tears still came, slow and hot down his cheek.
He was so stupid. He had thought today was the day. Today, for the first time ever in his life, he was going to make a friend. He spent his entire life wanting nothing more. He just wanted to fit in. He wanted to experience what everyone else was experiencing. Everyday he saw these people who looked like him and sounded like him, but he could never put his finger on what was different. What aspect of himself made people run away. What was so wrong with him that everyone hated him? Or worse just ignored him all together.
This morning he had stood in his bathroom, staring at himself through the mirror and rehearsed exactly what he was going to say. He decided homework was the safest option since he knew they had it in common. He had worked up the courage after two entire semesters passed without a single friendship, or acquaintance, forming. And he had failed.
He felt like everyone else in the whole world was born with an instruction manual he had never received. Everyone else he saw seemed to flow through conversations with ease, where he always made a fool of himself. He squeezed his eyes shut again, harder this time, remembering exactly what happened.
He had walked up to his classmate, a boy he say next to every day of the last year.
“Uhh, hey,” He had muttered too awkwardly. Maybe he had started off wrong. The boy gave him a weird look, but nodded at him nonetheless. “How do you think you did on the exam yesterday?” He asked, sheepishly. He hoped this would open the conversation and maybe eventually turn into something else. He couldn’t keep eating lunch in the classroom alone. Like he was now.
“I feel pretty good about it.” The boy said. Silence followed. Namo knew he should say something, but the boy hadn’t asked him any follow up questions. Did that mean he wanted to be left alone? Should Namo say something else?
Before he could decided another boy, one he didn’t recognize showed up slinging his arm over the other’s shoulder. “Did you see Pleng’s story yesterday?” He asked him.
The first boy smiled and nodded. “Yeah she invited me to that. Damn, I should have gone.”
Namo was lost. Should he leave? Should he talk? He didn’t know anyone named Pleng and it seemed a little odd to ask.
The second, unfamiliar boy glanced up at Namo. “Who are you?” He asked.
“Oh, I’m in his class. We were talking about the exam.” Namo caught him up.
The boys both snickered at him and gave each other a look Namo didn’t understand.
“You seem pretty serious about school. You ever consider being a prefect?” The second boy asked.
“Yes, actually! Don’t you think that would be cool?” Namo could’ve kicked himself now. No they did not think it was cool. But he hadn’t realized it then.
Both the boys nodded with fake smiles plaster on their faces and laughed. Namo’s heart sank. Being laughed at, even when you didn’t know why, always felt awful. He didn’t know what he said wrong, but he simply muttered a goodbye and left, trying as hard as he could not to cry. He would have killed himself if half the school saw him sobbing down the hallway.
Namo sat up off the desk and wiped his eyes, sniffling. He just had to accept that he would be alone forever. He would never make friends. It was useless. He sniffled again and used his sleeves to wipe his eyes. As he did, the door creaked open.
He tried his hardest to contort his face into a neutral non crying face. When he looked up he saw Wat, the boy the sits in front of him.
“Oh, hi! Sorry, I didn’t know you were in here.” Wat said as he walked over. “Are you okay?” He asked, concern etched in his face. Before he sat, he turned his chair to face Namo. No escaping it now.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” He sniffled, trying to be as quiet as he could.
Wat shifted slightly in his seat. He didn’t look like he believed Namo. “Did you eat?”
Namo nodded slowly. That was a lie, but he didn’t want to head to the cafeteria. He was hiding in here for a reason.
“What’s wrong?” Wat asked this so nonchalantly that Namo didn’t register what he said or a moment.
He had no urge at all to tell this boy he barely knew about all his troubles, but the words fell right out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I just feel like there’s something wrong with me.” His face flushed, the tears threatening to start again.
Wat tilted his head. “Why?” It wasn’t an accusation. Just a question.
“I feel like everyone has so many friends and I just can’t make any. And everytime I try it’s like I’m on an alien planet and I’m saying all the wrong stuff.” Namo bumped his head on the back of his chair. He couldn’t look at Wat. He felt so stupid. Wat was just trying to sit in the classroom and now Namo was spilling all his insecurities. This is why he has no friends.
“I understand.” Wat started.
“How? You have so many friends.” Namo interrupted. He winced. “Sorry.”
Wat smiled. “It’s okay,” His smile was pretty. The kind that goes all way up to the eyes. “And I’m not sure how you know that, but I’m actually in here avoiding my friends.”
Namo blushed. He noticed everything. He didn’t have anything to say so he just sat back and observed. Maybe that made him weird. “You don’t want to hang out with them?” He asked.
Wat sighed heavily. “It’s not that,” He paused, pressing both his lips together. “I just…I’ve been feeling kind of left out, I don’t know. They both just started dating someone and that’s all they talk about now.” Wat finished.
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.
“But, hey now we’re friends, right?” Wat smiled. He leaned forwards, much closer to Namo’s face.
“Really?” Namo asked in disbelief. It’s not that he didn’t think Wat liked him now, it’s that he believed Wat would still like him later. That was surprise.
“Of course.”