Chapter Text
It had been six weeks since San Lorenzo, and practically the entire town of Hillwood had been abuzz with the latest gossip. Helga Pataki, the biggest, strongest bully in town, had a crush on Arnold Shortman, the kindest, most optimistic boy in the tri-state area. The entire town had heard about it, and soon, it wasn’t uncommon for people to see the two walking around town, hands clasped and chatting amicably like they were old friends. Reactions ranged from stupefication (“Arnold? And Helga? Does she have him under some kind of crazy mind control? Did he hit his head in San Lorenzo and get amnesia?” Sid had said) to smug satisfaction (“I told you, my marriage predictor is never wrong!” Rhonda had proclaimed.) to simple happiness for them (“He’s a bold kid, that Arnold. But Helga, I think she’s even bolder.” Gerald had smirked, wrapping an arm around Phoebe’s shoulders) but one thing had become abundantly clear as sixth grade started.
The betting opportunities had been huge.
Grandpa Phil had been the first one to announce the betting pool. The bet? Simple. “How long until Shortman and his scary girlfriend kissed in public?” The shorter the wait and the more specific the timeframe, the bigger reward you’d get at the end. And the result had been instant. Stella and Miles were the first to put money down, taking the longest shot bet that they wouldn’t kiss in public until they were eighteen. Grandma Gertie had snorted and placed her bet that they’d kiss in public before Halloween. The bets soon swarmed in, Mr. Hyuhn, Ernie Potts, and of course Oscar putting down bets. And of course, it wasn’t too long before news of the wager extended beyond the borders of Sunset Arms.
Gerald knocked on the door, crossing his arms and waiting with a smile as the door opened, revealing Grandpa Phil. “Well hello there, buddy! Short Man’s not here right now, last I heard he was doing deliveries for Mrs. Vitello at the flower shop!”
“I know.” Gerald said with a smirk. “That’s why I’m here. Word on the street is that the adults in this building have a little wager going on. Something about the timing of when Helga and Arnold kiss in public?”
“What!?” Phil shouted incredulously. “Are you implying that I would place money on my own grandson? That his parents would do it too? You are absolutely wounding me, sonny, and I haven’t been wounded since 1952!” Gerald only responded with a raised eyebrow, and Phil slumped. “Alright you got me. What, you want us to stop?”
“Heck no!” Gerald laughed, before leaning his shoulder on the railing of the stoop, his smirk turning conspiratorial. “I want in. In fact, I’ll make you an offer. I’ll organize the betting pool, keep an eye on the lovebirds for the sake of an accurate report, and get bets from all the neighborhood kids. In return I only ask for…ten percent?”
“Two percent.” Phil shot back.
“Seven percent?”
“Three.”
“Five!”
“Deal! You happy?” Phil sneered.
“No. You happy?” Gerald replied.
“No.” And the two shook on it, with Gerald very quickly running off. Of course, at PS 118, they had to be a bit more discrete. If Helga or Arnold found out, they’d either blow their tops, or worse, they’d want in, which would skew the entire thing!
So the group gathered at Gerald Field after school, with Helga helping out at home and Arnold spending time with his parents, the group having an opportunity at last for some privacy.
“Dude, put me down for them breaking up before summer vacation.” Sid said, incredulous still. “Those two are like a powder keg going off. Just a matter of time.”
“I dunno, Sid.” Stinky rubbed his chin. “Helga can be pretty sweet when she wants to be…which isn’t often.”
Surprising everyone, Phoebe was the first to slap twenty bucks down. “Before the end of the month. Helga’s had this crush forever, but she won’t be able to help herself.”
Gerald smiled and placed down his own twenty. “Same bet. Arnold’s a hopeless romantic. He won’t be able to resist planting one on her.”
Harold, Stinky and Sid collaborated before plunking down 30 bucks between them. “I bet they’ll kiss in public before the end of the week!” Harold shouted with a grin.
“Now THAT’S a longshot.” Rhonda sneered, pulling a crisp hundred dollar bill from her designer purse. “Put MY money on them kissing on Christmas day, the most romantic day of the year~.” She sighed theatrically. Nadine and Sheena of course backed up the Queen Bee of the sixth grade. From there, other bets came pouring in, with Curly betting on Halloween, Eugene on Thanksgiving. The only one who actively refrained was Brainy, on the peripheral as always.
“Alright, if that’s all the money put on this…” Gerald reached into his backpack and revealed a large metal lockbox, which he opened, carefully wrapping up everyone’s bet with a rubber band, writing their name and their corresponding bet on a plastic bag before sealing it and tossing it into the box, and then locking it with a key kept in his wallet. “I know y’all, so we’re gonna lay down some ground rules. First, it has to be out in the open. If they’re smooching it up in the janitor’s closet and you see it, it doesn’t count!” There was a chorus of complaints. “Alright, calm it down. The second rule is you can’t engineer it. It's gotta be natural. If you’re caught trying to force it, you’ll be out of the bet and your stake will NOT be refunded. Alright, that’s it.” Gerald blinked as he saw Helga and Arnold approaching, holding hands as if it were the most natural thing ever. He quickly shoved the lockbox into his backpack. “Hey Arnold, Pataki! Glad you could make it! Alright folks, let’s play ball!” Everyone cheered and rushed to grab their gear.
As Arnold and Gerald exchanged their secret handshake and Helga grabbed her usual catcher’s mitt and pads, Harold, Sid, and Stinky kept close.
“What are we gonna do, guys? All that money, and all the stuff from the adults too! We could each afford a thousand Mr. Fudgy Bars with that money, and we’ve only got a week to win it! Oh me and my big mouth!” Harold whined.
Stinky hummed. “Well, I reckon we just–” But both were caught by Sid grabbing their collars.
“Don’t worry about that. We can still engineer it. It's just gotta look like an accident!” Sid chuckled sinisterly. “Just follow my lead when I say so, and that’s our ticket to all that money!”
“HEY PINK BOY!” Helga hollered. “Are you done with your cheerleader squad or are we playing ball!?”
“Yeah yeah, keep your shirt on, Madam Fortress Mommy!” Harold grumbled, grabbing his bat and stepping up to the plate. At the dugout, Gerald and Phoebe watched as the game began.
“Gerald, as fun as this is, I admit I have reservations about this…” Phoebe said quietly.
“Ah, don’t worry, sweetheart.” Gerald smiled. “You and I know these two better than anyone! We’ve got this in the bag!” The pair shared a simple secret smile, all while the pair everyone had been gossiping about was none the wiser…
Helga and Arnold were walking through PS 118, hand in hand, chatting away as Arnold carried her books for her. Or rather, book.
“I told you, Football Head! I don’t need you to carry a single book for me!” Helga protested, crossing her arms.
“Of course you don’t, Helga. But I’m your boyfriend now. I’m supposed to do nice things for you!”
Helga let out a loud lovesick sigh, before shaking her head vigorously. “Whatever floats your boat Arnoldo.”
“Whatever you say Helga.” Arnold replied with a smile, and this was the situation Sid and Stinky found themselves watching from around a corner.
“Gosh that looks…nice.” Stinky said with his usual smile.
“Alright Harold, we got eyes on the target.” Sid whispered into a walkie-talkie, safe and sound behind a wall. “Are you in position, over?”
“Uh, over what?” Harold answered, and Sid had to repress a face palm. “Anyway, I’m where you told me to be.”
“Good. Just bump into them, get their lips to touch, and remember, MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT!” Sid hissed. “Alright, they’re rounding the corner in 3…2…1…NOW HAROLD!”
CRASH!
Sid and Stinky rushed to the scene, along with half of the 6th Grade class, to see Harold nursing a wound on his head, and Arnold and Helga laying on top of one another in a heap.
“Oh geez, Helga and Arnold are kissing!” Harold jeered. “Gross!”
Helga seethed, grinding her teeth together. “We are NOT kissing, you overweight hock of ham! YOU bumped into us and we barely avoided cracking each other’s skulls thanks to your idiocy!” All eyes turned to Harold, who now looked quite sheepish.
“Well, it seemed like you two were kissing…” Stinky tried to save the situation, and Sid could only sweat as Gerald’s eyes turned to him.
“Alright you weirdos, I’m bringing Ol’ Betsy outta retirement.” Helga rolled up her sleeves when Arnold placed a hand on her shoulder.
“C’mon Helga. They’re not worth it. Besides, it was an accident and some bad assumptions, right?” He looked past her to Harold, who was nodding and smiling as much as he could.
“Fine, football head. Consider yourselves lucky, losers, or you’d be nothing but a smear on the linoleum.” She snarled, stomping away. As she and Arnold disappeared down the hall, Gerald stepped up to the pair, reaching into Sid’s back pocket and pulling out the walkie talkie. The chaos of the morning fading away, the students filtering back to their cliques and classrooms.
“Consider your stakes forfeit, boys. You’re out.” Gerald shook his head solemnly. “You’re lucky I’m getting rid of these before Helga finds out you boys coordinated it.”
“So…these three coordinated it huh?” All heads turned to see Helga standing there, arms crossed. “Thought you’d get a laugh at my expense, huh?” She began to stalk forward, rolling up her sleeves once more.
Harold was practically trembling. “W-Weren’t you gonna let us off the hook?”
“I was, but then I told Arnold that I needed to grab an actual textbook before the tardy bell rang. That’s when I heard about your little collab here.” Her tone was even, her face a grim line, the most dire of warnings. Gerald quickly took this opportunity to drop the walkie talkies at the boy’s feet and showed them all a clean pair of heels, rushing to his own class.
Helga stomped forward, snarling. “So, thought you could humiliate Arnold by making us kiss in public, huh?” Before anyone could refute her, she lifted Harold by the collar. “Save your words for Saint Peter, boys.”
…
Five minutes later, right after the tardy bell rang, Helga walked into class, followed by Stinky, Harold, and Sid, each one sporting a black eye. “Jeez, Helga, I thought you agreed with me that they weren’t worth it!”
“I didn’t hit them, did I boys?” Helga asked with a smirk. “They were just in such a rush to get to class after their little prank that they bumped into each other, right boys?”
The three nodded, not meeting Arnold’s eyes. “Yep, we just ran into each other. It was a big hullabaloo, but we got it handled.” Stinky added.
“Yeah, Stinky’s nose hit me in the eye and I slipped and fell on my gut.” Harold groaned. Arnold’s eyes turned to Helga, but the blonde simply adjusted her bow and batted her eyelashes at him innocently.
“Just…be more careful you guys.” He said in that tone that indicated he didn’t buy their story, but he was debating on whether or not they were deserving of it.
Gerald quietly crossed his heart and recited a prayer for them.
“That was really dumb Harold.” Big Patty sighed as she assisted Harold with icing his eye.
“Yeah, I know…I’ll apologize for it later. We’re already out ten bucks a piece.” Harold replied, although he gave Patty a bashful smile. That got the big girl’s attention.
“What are you talking about, Harold?” She asked, her eyes wandering from Harold to Sid and Stinky, the latter two almost trembling in her presence.
Harold however, showed no fear. He liked her after all. “Oh, almost the entire class is betting on when Helga and Arnold will kiss in public! I heard even some of Arnold’s family are betting on it!” Patty kept a hand to her chin for a moment, before nodding. She quietly stood, and stomped across the playground, over to a nearby table, where Arnold, Gerald, Phoebe, and Helga were standing. Of course, she didn’t tend to make a lot of noise even at the best of times, so Helga jumped out of her skin when she loomed over them.
“Sorry Helga. I need to borrow Gerald for a second. Do you mind?” Patty asked. Helga’s eyes flicked to Gerald, who seemed to be resuming his prayers. “Oh, and your friend Phoebe.” THAT got Helga’s attention. She stomped to her feet and looked Patty in the eye, the two sharing an intense staredown that got Arnold sweating. But then…Patty winked. Helga smiled and plopped herself back down on the bench, scooting closer to Arnold.
“Sure, Sister. Knock yourself out. Or them, haha!” She slapped her knee.
“Helga…!” Arnold shouted as Patty placed a hand each on Gerald and Phoebe’s shoulders and implored them to stand up and step into the gym, the pair going along with it because, well, would you resist Big Patty?
“Relax hairboy. I know Patty pretty well. She’s not gonna hurt them. I’m sure Patty just wants to ask them a question.” Helga waved him off.
“Whoa now Patty…! What did we do?” Gerald almost shrieked as Patty frogmarched him and Phoebe into the gym.
“You know what you did.” Was Patty’s monotone reply as she shoved them back into the hallway and slammed the door. She marched up to Phoebe, who was trembling in her shoes. “I heard you were betting on Helga and Arnold’s love life.”
“I-I assure you Patty, we have policies in place to prevent anything untoward!” Phoebe squeaked. Gerald of course, jumped in front of his girlfriend, ready to take a beating, only for Patty to reach into her backpack, pull out her purse, and slap a massive amount of money against Gerald’s nose.
“Give Harold, Stinky, and Sid their money back, and I’ll put this on them kissing by…” She thought for a moment, her eyes lighting up. “September 17th.”
“Why such a specific date?” Phoebe asked, before flinching as Patty’s gaze turned to her.
“No reason. Any other interrogations, or do you want 300 in the pot?”
“Three hundred?” Gerald’s eyes widened as he stared at the wad of bills. “How’d you even get so much money?”
“I don’t spend my allowance a lot. Harold likes to buy me things from his job at Mr. Green’s.” Patty explained simply. “Now, are you gonna take the bet or not?”
Gerald blinked for only a second before snatching up the bet. “You got yourself a deal, Patty. Pleasure doing business with you.” He gave Patty the thirty dollars, and the bigger girl nodded and stomped out, leaving Gerald and Phoebe to let out a sigh of relief.
“Why’d she place that big a bet you think Gerald?” Phoebe asked, clasping her boyfriend’s hand.
“I dunno, Phoebe. But I know one thing, I sure don’t wanna make her angry.” Gerald shivered, making sure to bag up Patty’s bet with extra care before tucking the lockbox back into his backpack. “Alright babe, you’re stealthier than me. Can you check to see if the coast is clear?”
Phoebe nodded and slowly opened the door back out onto the playground. “Positive we’re clear on extraction, but…Helga and Arnold are gone.”
“Man! During school? Those are some bold kids, I tell ya.” Gerald sighed, opening the door for Phoebe with a smile.
Arnold and Helga arrived in class seconds before the tardy bell rang. Gerald shot Arnold a knowing look, but the football head pointedly ignored him…and ignored how Helga’s bow was askew and his shirt was ruffled.
“Welcome back Class!” The teacher crowed, a nice enough lady. “Before we start Algebra, I have an announcement!” She began passing out fliers, and Gerald’s eyes bugged out as he saw it. “We’re having a Sadie Hawkins dance on the 17th! What this means is that the girls will be asking the boys to the dance, rather than the other way around!” Gerald shared a glance with Phoebe, who smiled and made a heart shape with her hands. Helga meanwhile turned towards the entire rest of the class and delivered a glare that would stop a charging buffalo in its tracks. “Alright, enough excitement, let’s get started!”
"Wait a second!" Rhonda shouted. "Aren't Sadie Hawkins dances usually in November? Ugh, this is so going to ruin my plans for a sixth grader's party..."
"That's very astute of you to notice, Rhonda. I guess you could say this is a Sadie Hawkins STYLE dance instead of an official one. Also the football team wanted the gym that day for their inevitable victory this season." The teacher added with a roll of her eyes.
Class from that point passed without incident, although something nagged at Gerald’s mind.
The dance was on the 17th. Patty had placed her bet for the 17th.
She knew about this. What’s she planning?
Its not like he could just ask her, or that Patty would be forthcoming. But as the class ended and he and Arnold exchanged books at the lockers, Helga’s hand SMACKED into the locker next to them, right next to Arnold’s head.
“H-Hey Helga…” Arnold stuttered, but whether it was out of fear or lovesickness not even Gerald could tell.
“Hey football head. I’m not letting anyone else have a chance to ask you.”
“A-Ask me what?” Arnold stuttered.
“Criminy, Arnold, are you seriously that dense? I’m taking you to the dance, DOI!” She growled, leaning in REAL close, and for a second Gerald thought Harold, Sid, and Stinky really would have won the bet. “Wear something nice, Football Head. I’m gonna show you a night you won’t forget.”
“Whatever you say, Helga.” Arnold replied, giving her that winning sunbeam of a smile that made her face go red.
“Man, Arnold. You are one sick puppy.” Gerald shook his head.
“Yeah…” Arnold replied, and Gerald sighed and shook his head, although he was smiling all the way.
“Not exactly a compliment man.”