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I arrive at the train station early. I don't think Nick is due to arrive for another twenty minutes, at least.
I pull Nick's jacket tightly around me, but that doesn't stop a shiver from running through my body. It's not the cold- it's nerves.
The station hums with noise. Announcements echo through the speakers overhead. People chatting with one another. Children laughing. Lovers embracing. It almost angers me how easily life seems to move around me. Like there's joy to be had. I haven't known joy in eight long months and it feels unfair that they can just go about their day without a care.
These past eight months have hardened me in ways I had never wanted, but they've also taught me patience, though that's something I never asked for, either. Counting down each and every day, clinging on to every letter. Some days, feeling relieved by the silence, grateful to know he's safe. Other days, the loneliness of tucking myself into our cold bed, empty on his side, was almost too much to bear. I've cried into his pillow more times than I can count. Desperately trying to find ways to feel close to him, no matter how small.
The letters I did receive, I read them over and over and over again. Running my fingers over the words. Letting them sink into my soul. Nick never went into detail about what he was going through. I know he didn't want me to worry. That didn't stop me from worrying anyway.
And then there were those few precious phone calls we were allowed, ones way too short, it should be illegal. Hearing his sweet voice say my name. Char. It felt like healing medicine to my broken heart, if only for that moment. Then once I heard the beep, knowing we had been disconnected, my heart would break all over again. Curling up in the corner of the room, I would cry for the rest of the day.
On those days, friends and family would stop by. Tao and Elle. Tara and Darcy. Tori and Michael. Dropping off meals and treats to try to cheer me up. But I could hardly eat. Instead, I would continue to replay our conversation over and over in my head, as many times as I could, as not to forget the words he spoke or the way his voice sounded when he said them.
I miss you, darling.
Don't worry, Char, I'm doing alright.
I'm coming home soon, I promise.
But I knew that was something he couldn't promise. And that's what made me sick to my stomach.
Every day he was gone, I was on edge. What if he doesn't come home? It's a thought I couldn't dwell on or it would plunge me into the deepest depression.
Nick's train is due to arrive any minute now; it was just announced overhead. My hands fidget with the delicate bouquet I have for him, held tightly in my grasp.
I wonder what he'll be like now. How have these past eight months changed him? Someone can't go through something like that and come out the other side unchanged, can they? Nick basically experienced hell on Earth. I wince at the thought. My baby, having to go through that. It's unfair. He's the last person in the world who deserves to go through something like that.
I let myself wonder the questions I've kept locked away for so long.
What if he's quieter now?
What if he's lost the spark in his eyes?
What if he's distant? Cold? I don't know what kind of trauma he's been through.
What if this experience has shaped Nick into a different person? One that can't relate to me anymore.
What if we're no longer us? The Nick and Charlie that we once were.
I squeeze my eyes shut, brushing my tears away.
A train whistles loudly as it rolls into the station, causing my heart to beat faster. I'm almost certain that this is his train.
As the passengers exit through the doors, my eyes dart back and forth, searching each face for his.
Then I see him. He's wearing his uniform. Bag slung over his shoulder. Hair buzzed short. Skin tanned. Shoulders more broad. A scar runs across his forehead, one that I've never seen before.
He looks different. Of course he does. I should have prepared myself better for this. How naive of me to have expected him not to have changed.
His head turns in my direction, and our eyes meet for the first time in what feels like forever.
His eyes widen.
Then he smiles.
An unguarded smile that reaches the corners of his eyes.
The kind of smile that I know is only reserved for me.
No, he's not the same.
But all my worries vanish in this moment between us.
Because he's still him.
He's still Nick.
My Nick.
He always will be.
I can see it in his smile.