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Part I – October 2011
Jon felt his stomach drop, nothing to do with the way his bike ran down Torrhen street, more so with the way Robb laughed, taking his hands off the handlebar. He felt the smile he had been carrying die in his lips as he watched.
They crossed the dark spot between the light of two lampposts, Robb first with his hands back to the handles, and Jon right after. He closed his eyes as he felt the wind against his face, Robb was back in the light when he opened them again.
Robb looked back at him, smile still on his lips, Jon tried to ignore the feeling at the pit of his stomach at that. It had been a long time since he had been able to control his reactions around Robb, the way he’d lose his breath, feeling weightless in a second, and like someone was crushing his chest in the next.
Jon had tried not naming it, pretending it wasn’t there, as though if he did it for time enough it’d go away but eventually he’d get distracted, and it’d crawl back into his mind as effortlessly as Robb made everything seem.
He felt dizzy with it, with the weight Robb’s name had taken on his tongue, as though anything would give it away, make it real.
Pretending it was something else was easy in a way lying to yourself shouldn’t be, but it stopped working in times like this; when they were alone, the streets empty and the moon high on the sky, when the night was as cold as Jon felt and Robb seemed so warm.
It was an ugly, greedy thing growing in his chest, spreading through him every second he spent next to Robb. It filled him with hopes and crushed them just as quickly, made him tremble with the simplest of touches but it was never satisfied.
He wanted more, always more, he wanted Robb to look at him the same way he did, wanted to touch him, everywhere, to know his body and his soul; he wanted to know what his lips felt like in the morning, and at night, and right now. He wanted to hold him and not let go.
Robb’s touches were warm, his gaze soft, his smile bright, but they never seemed to share the longing Jon felt, they never felt as deep. He hoped—he hoped… and then told himself there was nothing to hope, he hid the way it hurt the same way he had hidden everything else.
He caught up with Robb, pressing the brakes as they reached the end of the street. They looked up, to the place where Robb’s house was all the way up the street. Only the lights of the front porch on.
They had left the house in silence, stumbling out with their bikes in the dark. For a second Jon felt eleven again, doing something they shouldn’t, fear and excitement mixed at the thought of getting caught. He had never wanted to kiss Robb more.
A car crossed the street in front of them, Robb shifted, restless even now, Jon tried not to think, not to make it even worse than it already was.
“Again?” Robb asked. Jon looked at him, the way he held onto the bike, his face flushed and a grin in his face, his hair falling on his face. Jon knew he was avoiding something, that he had probably gotten into an argument with his parents and this was his way of throwing a tantrum and forgetting about it at the same time. He also knew, as much as he knew Robb couldn’t know of his feelings, that he’d follow him all night if he asked. Even if he wasn’t sure Robb would do the same.
Part II – July 2016
Jon sipped on his drink, his eyes wandering to the ever growing crowd on the bar, Robb’s drink was untouched next to him; he was still busy dancing with a blonde girl who looked far too young to be there. Usually, Jon was pretty good with ages but in this case he wasn’t sure his opinion was trustworthy. He took another sip of his drink, clearly not drunk enough yet.
He was over Robb, had been long ago. Since when they traded bikes and high school for cars and college. When it was clear Robb would never feel the same way. He had even accepted, though he had never had to face it, that Robb would see other people—and the way he’d think of him seeing “other people” as though they had ever seen each other didn’t escape him.
When this sort of thing happened, when he sat alone looking at Robb while he looked at someone else made him wonder if he was truly as over him as he had thought, if the feelings had ever gone away, or if he just didn’t want Robb to be with anybody else. Jon looked at him again, the way he leaned over to whisper something at the girl’s ear, thought about how that made him feel. The girl laughed, and Jon downed his drink.
He felt seventeen all over again, Robb met his eye, Jon forced himself to smile and put Robb’s full cup up. He didn’t feel as he had then, there was no terrible longing, he had learned long ago to stop wishing for a different outcome but he still felt his stomach drop at the thought of Robb with someone else.
Robb walked to him, a grin on his face. He put a hand on Jon’s arm, sighing happily and sitting down before taking a sip of his drink, the ice on it had melted almost completely. Jon ordered another drink for himself, ignoring the way Robb kept sending looks towards the dance floor, where the girl had gone back to dancing with her friends.
Jon watched his cup sweating on the bar stool, the drink left a sour taste in his mouth. Robb looked at him with a slight frown on his face, his mouth opened, a question on his lips Jon never got to hear. The girl walked to them, taking Robb’s hand on hers and pulling him back to the dance floor, Robb went, sending a look over his shoulder and calling him through the blaring sound of the speakers.
Shaking his head Jon offered his drink as excuse, trying not to look too moody. Robb soon had other things on his mind, anyway. Jon looked at his phone for a distraction, the song playing was not his style, the club was too full and too hot. If anyone had been tempted to approach him he was sure seeing him nursing his drink for as long as he had been there had kept them away.
It wasn’t as bad as it had once been though, when he still had feelings for Robb. He told himself that, and when he finished his drink he didn’t feel so bad anymore. He looked at the dancefloor again, Robb had his arms wrapped around the girl, their bodies too close, their faces even closer.
Jon looked at the time, deciding it was time to leave. If nothing else, he at least would avoid seeing Robb leave with somebody else.
He stopped to say goodbye, he didn’t want Robb to look for him when he was gone. And if Robb noticed something wrong, he was sure the girl would make him forget.