Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Cady, honey, can you do me a huge favor?"

Cady blearily looks up from her half-soggy bowl of frosted mini-wheats when her mother comes barreling into the kitchen. Her mom is already in her pantsuit and loafers, hair done and briefcase in hand. Needless to say, a stark contrast to Cady's old Mathletes t-shirt from high school, Winnie the Pooh pajama pants, and Simba-shaped Lion King slippers. "Hm?"

"I have to make something for my work holiday dessert potluck thingy tomorrow, would you be willing to go to the store today and pick up the ingredients for me?" her mom asks, quickly grabbing a Kälteen bar from the cabinet and slamming it closed with a bang that makes Cady jump. "Oh, but I won't be home until late... maybe you should just buy something from the bakery."

"No, it's okay. I can make something," Cady replies. "What do you want to bring?"

"Whatever strikes your fancy. Just nothing too extravagant. Can't be setting any kind of bar," her mom says with a chuckle. Cady grins faintly as her mother comes to kiss her forehead the way she did when Cady was a little girl. "Thank you, dear. It's so wonderful to have you back home."

Cady chuckles sardonically. "Yeah. Thanks, Mom. Have a good day."

"You too. It'll be good for you to get out of the house for a while."

Cady sighs and tries valiantly not to roll her eyes. "I know, I know."

"I love you. I'll see you tonight. I think your father said he'd be home early today, so you'll have some company."

"Okay," Cady replies, downing her last mouthful of deliciously mushy cereal. "I love you too."

Her mom smiles and swings the door shut behind her. Cady looks down at her crumb-filled bowl of milk and at her own, pale reflection with a quiet sigh. She looks like an absolute mess, and not just because of the stray strands of wheat in her reflected red hair.

She picks up the bowl to drink the cool, cereal-sweetened milk. Some of it drips onto her shirt when she gets a little overzealous, and she sighs again as she realizes she now has to do laundry on top of everything else. Her goal was really just to hide inside and in bed until at least New Year's.

But Cady knows her mom is right. She can't even really remember the last time she felt the sun on her face, other than slithering through the blinds before she crankily stomps over to flick them closed again. She needs to get out. She needs to stop wallowing.

As a first step, she carries her bowl and spoon to the sink, sets the water so hot it almost burns her hands, and scrubs them clean. An almost fluorescent pink stains the tips of her fingers by the time she's finished, and her shirt has water drops clinging to her belly where the spoon fought back.

Cady breathes more easily than she has in weeks as she watches it fall into the dirty clothes hamper in her bathroom. The shower starts to steam up the mirror, and Cady feels some of the stresses and worries and sadnesses melt off of her as she steps under the hot current of water.

She relishes in the pulling sensation of her fingers tangling in her hair, finally getting it scrubbed clean and conditioned soft and bouncy. The comb gets gently tugged through tangles until it glides smoothly and Cady can see her red curls springing back after it. She scrubs herself clean with her loofah and some sweet-smelling vanilla body wash until her flesh is pink and all she can see in the mirror upon climbing out is a vaguely person-shaped reddish blob. It's the first time she's felt even close to person-shaped in months, so she's glad to see it.

She towels herself dry and applies some products to keep her hair intact, and slathers herself in the matching lotion to her body wash. She darts around her room in her undies on chilly legs, trying to find an outfit warm enough to wear out into this Chicago December day. Most of her clothes are still somewhere between here and California since shipping is delayed for the holiday season, and the pieces she does have aren't really warm enough anyway.

She decides a pair of dark-wash jeans and a slouchy white sweater she thinks might be left over from her high school days will have to do. Once she's no longer shivering where she stands, she heads back into her bathroom to wipe up and dry her hair so it doesn't freeze as soon as she sets foot outside.

She doesn't bother much with styling it, just tugging her white beanie over the roots and letting it drape naturally down her back. She does kind of regret smushing her newly-refreshed curls, but she shrugs at herself in the mirror as she realizes that it doesn't really matter. It's not like she's going to see anyone important, or do anything exciting. A quick trip to the grocery store, making some kind of treat, and right back to her bed rotting.

She pulls on her boots and her coat with a little sigh, grabs her keys, and heads out the door. She's immediately hit with a stinging burst of cold air, and she winces until she's safely shivering inside her car.

Cady thanks her lucky stars that the snowplows have already been through and she doesn't have to try to remember how to drive on ice just yet. She still takes the drive to the store slow and steady and careful. She's not about to risk her life for some damn cookies.

Cady hustles through the parking lot, and breathes a sigh of relief as the sliding doors part for her and welcome her into the warm haven of the grocery store.

It's at this point Cady realizes she didn't pick a recipe, and has no idea what she needs, or what to make.

She sets off towards the baking aisle anyway. She'll need some basics like flour and sugar regardless, and maybe wandering among the sweets and the candies will give her some sort of inspiration.

It doesn't.

Cady pulls out her phone and enters a frantic DuckDuckGo search for cute holiday-ish treats, browsing the aisles while she scrolls.

She jumps a little as her hand nudges someone else's, both reaching for the same bag of chocolate chips Cady decided she just wanted for a snack. "Oh, I'm sorry-"

"Caddy?" a familiar voice asks.

Cady jolts and looks up upon hearing that nickname. Only two people have ever gotten away with calling her that.

A smile spreads across her face when she sees her. "Janis! Hi, how are you?!"

It's been too long since they've seen each other. Cady knows it, and she hates it. They were best friends, for Pete's sake. Sure, things got weird after their junior year. None of them really knew what to do with themselves, or each other. They graduated, and all spread across the map for college or their other after-high-school plans. They kept in touch for a while, then less, then just birthdays and holiday wishes and the occasional like on an Instagram photo. Cady obviously saw her sometimes when she came home for visits, but the pandemic brought all that to a screeching halt, and neither of them ever quite bothered trying to rekindle it.

Cady's not sure what the etiquette for this kind of situation is. How do you greet your former best friend, close enough to give a touching speech at your wedding but no longer close enough to tell that you're freshly divorced? How do you say hello to an achingly familiar face you haven't seen or said more than a passing greeting to in nearly ten years?

Cady shyly pokes out a hand for Janis to shake. Janis pulls a face at it. "Bro, fuck that."

Cady laughs as Janis uses the outstretched hand to pull her into a tight hug. She hesitates for barely a second before she gently winds her own arms around Janis' back, trying very hard not to bash her ribs with the basket hanging off her elbow. Janis gives her a squeeze felt even through the thick down of both their puffer coats, and Cady gently tucks her nose against the shoulder of Janis'. She still smells like paint the way she did in high school, and the cold, scratchy fabric tickles something inside Cady's nose.

"You look good, Cads," Janis says with a fond little grin as she pulls back, gently holding Cady's shoulders and looking her over.

Cady smiles back. She has no idea. "Thank you. You do too."

"You home for the holidays?" Janis asks, finally pulling back. Cady misses the warm pressure of her hands on her arms.

She takes a quick inhale, and her head makes a small jerk from side to side. "No. No, uh, just... just home." Janis' eyebrows raise a little, but she very kindly doesn't say anything. Cady quickly takes advantage of her shock and moves on. "What about you, what are you doing here?"

"I never left," Janis chuckles. "Evanston's a tangled web. Never quite clawed my way out."

"So you're..."

"I teach art at the elementary school just outside the city," Janis explains. "I'm on my lunch, I just came to restock my class candy stash."

Cady takes a closer look and smiles at her brightly-colored-paint-stained black overalls. "That's amazing, Janis. I always knew you'd do something like that."

"Yeah, I don't have much mystery left in me," Janis chuckles. "How about you, what are you here for?"

"I'm not sure," Cady replies with an exasperated little puff. "My mom has her like, work... nondenominational holiday potluck cookie party thing tomorrow and she asked if I could make something, but I needed a shower and forgot to like... look for a recipe or any ideas."

Janis laughs. "Yeah, that sounds like a kinda critical step."

"I was hoping something would come to me if I just kinda wandered for a while," Cady replies, sheepishly massaging the back of her neck with her chilly fingers.

"Has anything?"

"No," Cady sighs.

Janis hums thoughtfully. She pulls out her phone and scrolls for a second before flipping it around to show Cady. Cady coos at the adorable cookies in the photograph she shows her; simple sugar cookies with piped chocolate antlers and eyes, and a red M&M candy nose. "Think you could handle something like this? I made these for a bake sale last year and all the people our moms' age went nuts for 'em."

"Yeah, they look easy enough. And they're so cute!" Cady says. "You did great."

"Thanks," Janis chuckles. "How many do you need?"

She helpfully directs Cady around the store, finding the best deals and putting all the ingredients necessary for a few dozen cookies into her basket. Cady wishes she had Janis to shop with every time. She even slips Cady the extra bag of chocolate chips they had accidentally fought over in the first place. Cady beams at them, surrounded by other delicious ingredients, then back at her friend. "God, Jay, thank you. You're a total lifesaver."

Janis grins, but there's something melancholy behind her eyes. "Been a while since I heard that nickname."

"I haven't been Caddy in years," Cady agrees softly.

Janis gives her a gentle nudge. "You always have been to me."

"I missed hearing it," Cady replies with a small smile. "Do you, um... have time for coffee or something? I'm sure you're busy, but I'd love to catch up-"

Cady manages to catch herself just at the beginning of her ramble and cut herself off as Janis pulls her phone back out to check the time. "Yeah, as long as I'm careful, I should. I have a free block right after lunch before I get my third graders."

"Aww," Cady coos. "God, I can't imagine you working with kids, and it's the most fitting thing I can think of for you at the same time."

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Janis chuckles. "Most of mine are decent kids, at least, they make it pretty easy. My whole career I've only ever had one put an air bubble into their clay project on purpose so it would explode in the kiln."

Cady blinks. "Well, that's nice."

"Yeah," Janis agrees with a little smile. "C'mon, that great little cafe we used to go to with Dame all the time is still in the same place up the road."

"Oh, really?" Cady asks eagerly.

She remembers so vividly a spread of seasonal fall and winter drinks being laid in a row before her and her best friends watching her carefully from across the table, eagerly waiting to see and judge what her basic-bitch autumnal flavor of choice would be like she was picking her starter Pokemon. Damian said since JK Rowling had turned out to be a major asshole, the drinks were an even better personality test than deciding her Hogwarts house.

She can't believe it's been ten years. It feels like yesterday.

For now, she rushes after Janis, watching her shove assorted bags of fun-size candy into her basket without much thought. She stops near checkout to get a variety pack of some fun little holiday-themed plastic rings, erasers, pencils, and tiny squishy keychains for her kiddos that have allergies, and she and Cady go through the checkout line one right after the other. Cady's so busy watching Janis unload her treats onto the belt behind that weird plastic separator bar that she misses the cashier asking for her payment the first three times.

Janis smirks a little, clearly trying not to laugh, as Cady flushes what must be a remarkable shade of pink and hands over her card.

Janis has fewer bags to carry, so she helpfully snatches some of Cady's from her hands before she can protest and marches off into the parking lot. Cady scrambles after her, the bags bouncing against her legs until she catches up and leads Janis to her car. The bags get unceremoniously shoved into her trunk, except for the one with the eggs, and Cady retaliates by scooping Janis' bags off the ground and carrying them to her car. Janis chuckles as she unlocks her trunk and flips it open.

"Thanks, Cads," she says.

"No problem," Cady pants a little. "Coffee?"

Janis nods. "Do you wanna just walk? I know it's cold, but it's literally like, right down the block there."

"No, it's fine, I'm not that cold," Cady agrees, trying to hide her chattering teeth.

She apparently wasn't entirely successful. Janis grins a little and bumps against her side. "C'mon, we gotta get some Chicago back in ya. I can't believe you guys moved to California."

"For work!" Cady humphs in her defense.

"Uhhuh," Janis hums with a little smile. "Not just so little miss Africa could get back to a warm climate."

Cady has to walk quite fast to keep up with Janis and her long legs, so she does start warming up before long. She grumbles, "I'm back now."

"I'm teasing," Janis chuckles. She holds the door open for Cady as they're finally, blessedly standing outside the coffee shop.

Cady thanks her and ducks into the heavenly warmth of the heated cafe, taking a heavy breath and enjoying the aromas of teas and coffees and other sweet treats. They stand in line side by side, and both quietly scan the menu.

Janis seems to decide what she wants first, and quietly asks, "You said at the store that you're home, does that mean, like... for good?"

"Huh?" Cady replies, jolting away from her trance she had been in, staring aimlessly at the tea selection. "Oh, um... yeah. For-for good."

"You guys are moving home?" Janis asks with a delighted little grin.

Cady's about to sigh and suffer through explaining, but she's saved by the barista calling them up to take their orders. Janis gets a peppermint mocha, and Cady stutters for just a second before eventually settling on some gingerbread chai thing. She's not totally sure what it entails, but she loves chai more than life itself, so it can't be too bad.

They wait in an awkward sort of silence for their drinks at the end of the counter. Janis snorts into her paper cup when the barista yells out, "Caddy!" and Cady slumps and shuffles forward to get her tea.

"C'mon," Janis beckons. Cady grimaces a little as she sees her companion waving her back out into the cold, but she does obediently follow after her.

She smiles as Janis leads her to their old favorite bench on the patio behind the shop. The frigid wind making the winter day so harsh is blocked by the solid brick building, and though nobody else is outside, there's a torch burning some distance away providing a touch of cozy warmth.

Cady holds her cup between her bare hands and lets the steamy hot liquid inside warm her aching fingers through the cutesy paper decorations. Janis does the same, and Cady jolts a little when she speaks again.

"So tell me about you, Cady," she says. "Who have you become since you outgrew your cargo pants, hm?"

Cady was bracing to hear her former last name, and she giggles a little both in relief and at Janis' question. "Well, um... I'm... I'm not really sure. I was a professor of statistics at Berkeley. Still working on my PhD. Aaron and I had this great little apartment for most of our time out there. Ridiculously overpriced, but I still loved it. But that's all... everything is different, now."

"Are you guys settling down back here?" Janis asks gently. Cady knows she really is just curious to know how she's been after all this time, more than she could've learned over their scattered text messages or browsing Cady's sparse social medias. Cady wants her best friend back, too. Wants to know how she's been and all.

She still doesn't want to talk about this.

But she knows she can't have one without the other. So, she takes a sip of her tea for fortification, and sighs a little as she pulls the cup away from her lips. Janis follows the motion of it with her eyes as Cady shakes her head and quietly says, "No. It's, um... it's just me. Aaron and I... we're divorced. He's staying out west, but there just... I didn't have a reason to be there anymore. There wasn't anything to keep me so far away from all my people without him, and I needed something... I dunno, I needed something new, away from him, but I wanted something familiar at the same time. So... I'm back in my childhood bedroom, and... starting everything over. New job, new school, new... everything."

"Oh god, Caddy, I'm sorry," Janis says immediately. Cady can't count the number of times she's heard that. As a math professor, that's concerning.

But as a heartbroken woman feeling like she's trapped back in the life of a teenage girl, she's glad for the little scraps of sympathy. She shrugs. "It couldn't be helped."

It's quiet for a moment, both of them cradling the warm paper cups in their hands and staring off into space. Janis is the first to speak, seemingly mostly to herself. "Wow."

"Hm?" Cady hums, taking a cautious sip of her tea and almost relishing the burning sensation coasting over her tongue.

"I just can't believe you two split. All of senior year you two were all over each other," Janis murmurs. She chuckles faintly. "Everyone knew you two were gonna be the first of our class to get married."

Cady huffs a little breath and nods slowly. "Yeah. We must've been pretty annoying."

"Nah. We were all happy for you," Janis replies softly, gently nudging her knee against Cady's. Cady grins faintly and nudges her back. "What happened?"

Cady inhales. Janis seems to realize what she's just asked, and quickly backpedals.

"God, no, that's ridiculously personal. I'm sorry," she says. "I'm still not the best at uh... thinking before I say things."

Cady chuckles faintly, more a loud exhale than much else. She stares at her cup, traces her index finger around the indentation in the lid. The dry winter air stings the inside of her nose as she breathes herself through the words swirling through her head like a snow-globe. "...I had a miscarriage."

"What? Jesus, Caddy," Janis murmurs sadly.

Cady doesn't look at her as the words drip from her tongue like a leaky faucet. "About a year ago. We... things hadn't been great for a while. We never went out anymore. We barely spoke, honestly. We were more like roommates who had sex sometimes. And then I got pregnant, and he... I don't know, it was like a switch flipped. It was like the honeymoon phase all over again. He didn't let my feet touch the ground. We went out every Friday, and we started going on little weekend getaways again."

Janis nods. Cady feels a warmth on her fingertips, and finds them lazily tangled with Janis'. Just enough pressure for her to know she's there without them technically holding hands or anything like that.

"I lost it when I was thirteen weeks," Cady says shakily. "Just some awful fluke thing. It was pretty early, but... it still messed me up. I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. I didn't cook, or clean. I didn't go to work for the longest time. Aaron tried for a while, but... he couldn't handle it anymore. I was too depressed. Then the wheels just started coming off."

Janis hums sadly.

"He never said... he never said directly that he blamed me for it. The miscarriage," Cady says hollowly. She feels Janis tighten next to her. She still doesn't look. "But I could tell he thought it was my fault, even if it was deep down in him. And we just stopped talking after a while. Like before, but... worse, somehow. We served each other papers at the same time, on the same day."

"Jesus," Janis whispers.

Cady shrugs. "It needed to happen. We both knew it. I... I don't..." She takes a breath to recenter herself. "I'm glad he was my first. My first everything. My first love, my first boyfriend, my first... uh, you know." Janis snorts a little. "My husband. I'll always have love for him somewhere, I think. But I know it wasn't working. And it wasn't working... long, long before everything that happened. I think if we had stayed those teenagers who couldn't let each other go in high school we... we could've made it work. Those kids could've taken on the world. But we... we were young. For all of it. We got engaged at 20, married at 22. I got pregnant at 24, miscarried at 25. I was too young. And so was he. We just... we grew into different people, you know?"

"Yeah," Janis mutters, gently pulling Cady closer.

"Even beyond not handling it the same way, we... we just weren't compatible anymore. We weren't happy," Cady says with a shaky sigh. "The miscarriage was just the catalyst we were both looking for all that time, I think. But knowing that doesn't make any of it less painful."

Janis nods. "I'm so sorry, Cady. That's awful. All of it." Cady nods too. Janis inhales hesitantly before adding, "For what it's worth... it's cool that you're home. And you seem just as great as my best friend in high school was. Even if it is in some new ways."

Cady finally looks up at her. She grins a little, and Janis grins back. Cady falters for a brief moment before she gently settles her head on Janis' shoulder, cushioned by the thick down of her coat. "Thanks, Jay. My best friend in high school was pretty great, too. You should've met her."

"She does sound pretty cool," Janis chuckles. "Mine was a huge dork."

"Mm, mine was too," Cady agrees with a nod.

"Hey!"

Cady laughs as Janis starts poking her in the ribs. She can't really feel it through her coat and thick sweater, but she shrieks and jerks away anyway, swatting her away with her free hand and trying desperately to keep her tea steady with the other. "Hey, leave me alone! You so were!"

"I was not!" Janis insists. "You were the queen of the dorks!"

"I was the queen of the school, thank you very much," Cady hums haughtily. "And I never claimed I wasn't a dork, I just said you were a dork too. Dorkiness is not quantifiable and therefore not finite."

Janis blinks. "I rest my case."

Cady giggles. "You were the best kind of dork."

"You still are," Janis chuckles fondly as Cady settles back against her side. "I'm glad, I was kinda worried when you married a jock."

"He was not a jock. He played like, two sports," Cady scoffs.

"Two more than normal people."

"And he gave them up when he became an accountant. He actually probably did more math than me in his day-to-day. I just taught it."

"Aaron Samuels became an accountant?" Janis asks in apparent disbelief. Cady nods. "Good grief."

"We met in math class, I dunno why you're so surprised," Cady giggles. "He may have gotten a C in that class, but he's smarter than people give him credit for."

"But never as smart as you," Janis replies. "I dunno why I was so worried, your dork is in your DNA. Nobody could make Caddy Heron not a nerd. Not even the Russians."

Cady laughs again. "And nobody could make you nice to me."

"Hey, I think of dorks and nerds in the highest regard," Janis defends. "Especially you."

Cady grins. "I've always admired goofy punks."

"Ooh, admired?" Janis teases. Cady rolls her eyes, though not without fondness.

"Yeah, yeah," she huffs. "At least you admit you're goofy."

"I'll allow goofy," Janis chuckles. "You did cede to being a nerd, after all."

"I'm proud of it!" Cady defends. "Being a nerd brought me everything I have. I like being a nerd."

Janis looks at her fondly and carefully nudges into her arm. It's only then that Cady remembers her drink, now tepid from the cold air she hadn't been paying attention to either, in favor of talking and reminiscing with her friend. "You should be proud. You've done a lot of good with it."

"You have too. I'm sure you're a great art teacher," Cady replies softly. Janis smiles at her with warm eyes. "Maybe you could actually teach me something sometime. I still can't draw straight lines. Makes graphing really hard."

Janis laughs outright at that, and Cady wonders if the warmth she feels is what all those people writing Christmas carols all those decades ago felt, too. Janis' laugh has always been like that. Rich and deep and hearty. Like the chiming of bells. "I'd be happy to. I bet you'd be better behaved than most of my kids."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure," Cady giggles. Janis flushes pink when Cady winks at her. Cady didn't wholly intend to flirt with her, if indeed that's what she's done. But, for whatever reason, she finds herself not really bothering to take it back, either.

"Oh, shit, speaking of kids," Janis says upon looking at the time on her phone. "I really have to be getting back."

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot," Cady gasps. "I totally lost track of time."

"I did too, it's all good," Janis chuckles. "We always got sucked into conversations, didn't we?"

Cady laughs and nods, remembering all too well how much trouble they used to get in chatting during class back in high school when they were meant to be working. Janis has always been so easy to talk to. "Still, I'm sorry."

"No worries, Cads. It was great seeing you," Janis says. "Do I still have the right number for you?"

"I think so," Cady says with a nod. "Do I have yours?"

"You should. It's the same as it was in high school," Janis chuckles. "One of us will text, then?"

"Yeah, absolutely," Cady replies, nodding eagerly. "As long as we promise to actually do it this time."

Janis shuffles her coat sleeve back a little and pokes out her pinky finger. Cady grins and twists her own around it. Janis gives it a little squeeze and says, "Promise."

"Promise," Cady echoes.

They hug goodbye, and then realize they're still outside the coffee shop and they both left their cars in the grocery store parking lot. So, they get to talk a little more as they trudge their way back through the slushy grey city snow.

Once they're actually back standing by Janis' trunk, they give each other another proper squeeze. Cady's head still only reaches Janis' shoulder. She grins as she's smushed into her coat and swallowed in her tight embrace.

"Bye, Jay," she says, muffled into Janis' shoulder.

"Bye, Cads. Thanks for the coffee," Janis replies softly.

"Thanks for the tea. And have a good... rest of your work day, I guess," Cady giggles.

Janis grins and nods. "I'll try. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Yeah," Cady replies with a nod. "See you soon."

With that and a last wave, Cady watches Janis climb into her car, and shuffles back across the parking lot to get into her own.

She smiles the whole drive home.

——————

Cady sighs as she looks at all the bags sitting on her countertop and laces up her apron behind her back like she's suiting up for a duel at dawn.

Once that's handled, she sets to removing everything from their brown paper prisons and seeing just how many things she has to deal with. Butter, sugar, flour, chocolate chips, vanilla...

Cady stares at the crowd of supplies now sitting on her counter. One step at a time.

The actual base of the treats is, blessedly, just a simple sugar cookie. No fancy shapes, no special decorations or flair in the cookie dough itself. She can handle this. She's made cookies before.

With Janis, she thinks to herself with a paradoxical sort of melancholy joy. Her first real Christmas in America, after the shit show that was their junior year, Janis invited her over to give her a fantastic proper American Christmas experience. They wore matching red and green tartan jammies and reindeer slippers, and stayed up all night watching holiday movies. All the classics, and some of Janis' more out-there favorites or ones that didn't quite fit the brief. She and Janis talked and laughed and covered her coffee table in art supplies while Janis showed her how to make all the fun kiddy crafts she got to do at the holiday parties in elementary school.

But Cady's favorite part was standing side by side with her best friend; in her warm, cozy kitchen; getting covered in flour and sticky with sugar while they made delicious cookies. They made sugar cookies, and gingerbread people, and snickerdoodles, and chocolate chip (though Janis insists that's an always cookie and therefore barred from counting as a Christmas cookie), and even decorated gingerbread houses. She and Janis danced around to Christmas music while their treats baked, swirling through the enchanting aromas of cinnamon and chocolate and vanilla and sweet, sweet sugar.

In all the years since, Cady's not sure she ever felt the spirit of the season as strongly as she did that day. Even in all the Christmases she spent snuggled with her husband. Even going to their work parties in the fancy red dresses and suits with green ties, drinking the cocktails and greasing palms. Even decorating their little California apartment with artificial versions of all the things that couldn't grow surrounded by so much warmth.

Looking back, how could anything compare?

Cady smiles a little as she peeks into the last bag. I never should have let myself lose touch with her. I'm so glad we got to talk.

Her smile grows as she realizes that the last bag doesn't belong to her. Somehow, in spite of the great care they took, Cady wound up with one of Janis' treat stashes. There's some fun-sized chocolates, boxes of Nerds, and the novelty erasers inside. Cady leaves it as is and sets it by the door. She'll have to make sure Janis gets it back. I'll get to see her again.

She does a happy little tap dance back to the kitchen, and rapidly deflates upon once again being confronted with cookie supplies. She opens the recipe Janis sent her and scrolls through it while she sorts through the menacing pile of ingredients on her counter. The things she doesn't need for the cookie dough get put off to the side to be dealt with when their time comes.

It's a small dent made in the pile, but a dent nonetheless. Cady takes a deep breath. I got this. Let's do this thing.

Cady takes a big mixing bowl out of the cabinet and starts combining everything according to the recipe. Creaming the butter and sugar with her mom's hand mixer is nearly a disaster, but she manages with one shriek, a small splatter of butter on the counter, and a rapid unplugging of the machine before she turns it back on at a much lower speed. The flour gets added, along with the vanilla (plus a little extra). Salt, baking powder, egg...

Cady smiles as her dough comes together, looking delicious and smelling even better. She carefully wraps it in the eco friendly beeswax wrap her family uses instead of cling film, and leaves it to rest in the fridge.

In the meantime, she sets to sorting out the bag of M&Ms. She dumps a large pile of the candies on the counter and carefully picks out all the red ones, eating a good portion of the other colors as she goes. Once she has each and every red candy in a separate pile, she deposits them into a special little dish off to the side and puts the other colors back into their bag to snack on later.

She's not totally sure her cookie dough is right at this point, but it looks... dough-ish. She decides to go with it and just hope for the best. She rolls it out and cuts some simple circles, carefully scooping the cutouts away from the excess dough and draping them on a cookie sheet. She's glad Janis showed her this recipe. The only cookie cutter her family has is this circle, so it worked out perfect. Almost like she knew Cady's family wouldn't have much in the way of supplies.

Once Cady gets as many circles cut out as the dough can manage, about three dozen, she starts cycling the trays to bake. One of the cookies is just a lump of the extra dough she couldn't roll out enough to get a last cookie from. She decides that one is her reward for doing this great service for her mother.

She nibbles on her special, knobbly cookie while she waits for the others to cool. Hers is still warm, and sweet, and delicious. She hopes the others are just as good. Just maybe a little less doughy in the middle.

Once the cookies are cool enough that Cady can touch them without burning her fingertips, she carefully pries them off the tray and lets them cool in the fridge. Janis said cooling was the most important step, so all the chocolate decorations don't melt off. Cady is very devoted to following her instructions to the letter.

While they're chilling in the fridge, Cady sets to getting the dishes washed and the chocolate prepared to decorate with. She manages to limit her snacking and only sneak a few chocolate chips from the bowl she pours them into to melt. Janis said she used a ziploc bag as a piping bag, and Cady trusts her strategy here far more than anything she could come up with on her own.

With her bag of delicious, rich, gloopy chocolate and her bowl of red candies in hand, Cady sets to work.

There's definitely a bit more of a learning curve than she had anticipated, but eventually, she finds her groove and her cute cookies come out better every time. She pipes the chocolate in lines to make little antlers, and some small dots for eyes. She uses a tiny dab to stick the candies M-side down just beneath them to make Rudolph noses, and soon amasses a small army of delicious, adorable reindeer cookies.

Her dad comes home early, just as her mother said, while she's finishing the last dozen. "Hey, binti."

"Hi, daddy," Cady replies, poking her tongue out as a critical aid to her concentration so she doesn't smear the chocolate antler she just piped. "How was work?"

"Ah, nostalgic. Did a newborn checkup on that new giraffe at the zoo," her dad replies.

"Aww," Cady coos, straightening up to have a proper conversation with him and popping an ache out of her lower back at the same time. "...I miss home."

"We all do," her dad replies softly. "Especially when times are hard."

Cady gulps down the tears threatening to spill. "Everything was so much easier."

"Things would've gotten hard no matter where we lived, binti," her dad reminds her gently. "Part of becoming an adult. But you're handling things better every day. Getting stronger. You'll come back."

"I'm tired of being strong," Cady chokes quietly. "I got to be soft when we lived in Kenya."

Her dad frowns and gently pulls her into a hug. Cady leans into his strong chest and takes a break from her responsibilities to let herself feel the powerful waves of emotion flooding her like a hurricane. "Yes, in a lot of ways you did. But you also had a lot less... you had less richness. You have such a beautiful depth to your spirit and your energy now that you didn't have then. You're growing into a fine woman that I am very proud to call my daughter. But you're still young. You'll find that balance between the softness and the depth, too. But it takes time. It'll be a fight. But you will always, always be my brave explorer. You'll find your way."

Cady sniffles and lets her back be rubbed, just the same way her father used to after every skinned knee or bad dream. It's nice to have a brief bit of comfort while she processes his words.

"Finish your cookies now. They look delicious," her father says, patting her on the back and propping her back up on her own two feet.

Cady grins and gently whacks his hand away from one. "They're for mom's office party, no snacking."

"I can't have one?" her dad huffs.

Cady giggles and rolls her eyes, full of nothing but fondness. "I suppose I can manage losing one."

Her dad grins like a child sneaking a treat before dinner as he picks his cookie and nibbles on it while he heads off to finish his work reports for the day.

Cady finishes her decorating while his words whirl through her head. You're still young. You'll find the balance.

You'll come back.

Cady can almost feel those words coming true as she sticks on the last candy-red nose. Contentment and peace like she hasn't felt in years flood through her like a warm, comforting wave, as rich and soothing as the melted chocolate she eats right out of the bag.

So many great things happened today. How wonderful to be reminded of all the good that's come into her life since she was that bubbly little dork wandering through America in too-big vests and cargo shorts. How many amazing friends she's made, relationships she's formed, people she's met. Places she's been, memories she's made.

It's good to be home.

Cady smiles as she arranges the cookies on a cute tray and cleans up the mess she's left on the counter. The piping bag gets thrown away, extra candies added back into the bag, chocolate dribbles wiped off the granite countertop, dishes set to soak in the sink. Cady snaps some pictures of her clearly homemade, but adorable, cookies, and sends them right to Janis.

She jumps when Janis answers almost immediately. It's comfortingly weird to see her name pop up in her notifications again.

janis: cute!!! you did so good!

caddy: Hehe thanks
caddy: And thanks for the idea you totally saved me lol

janis: lmao anytime anytime

A minute or so passes. Cady gnaws on her bottom lip, desperately willing something else to say to come to mind and hoping the conversation doesn't end after just four short messages shared between them.

janis: it was great seeing you again cads

caddy: Yeah it was amazing to see you
caddy: I've really missed you Jay

janis: i've missed you too
janis: you gotta stick around tho i'm not letting you slip outta my clutches again

caddy: Lol woah there

janis: 🧙‍♀️
janis: look if you're gonna leave me basically alone with damian for like ten years this is just what happens ok i can't help it

caddy: I guess that's not too surprising lol
caddy: I'm back to save you now

janis: my hero

Cady grins at her phone like a lovesick teen. Wait, lovesick?

She shakes her head to clear it and watches the typing bubble bounce while she unties her apron and washes her hands. She hurries upstairs, settles into bed, and snuggles under the same covers she had tucked into the last time she and Janis talked like this. It's been too long.

She and Janis talk the way only old friends can, well into the night. Cady's eyes start to flutter after a few hours, and she yawns as she tip tip taps out her latest message.

Janis eventually has to roast her into going to bed, teasing her for the amount of typos in her messages and poking fun at how sleepy she always was when they had sleepovers as teenagers. Cady pouts after another yawn and valiantly soldiers through her exhaustion.

caddy: :(((

janis: go to bed cads
janis: god i should've been in bed hours ago too i have first graders first thing

caddy: Oh goodness
caddy: I'll let you go then

janis: mmmmmmmmhm

caddy: You are such a child

janis: comes with the job lol

caddy: I guess it's a good thing then

janis: definitely helps
janis: talk soon tho?

caddy: Absolutely
caddy: I'm not letting you get away again either

janis: tits
janis: goodnight caddy

caddy: Goodnight Jay

Cady hesitates before making one last addition.

caddy: Love you

janis: love you too cads

Cady grins as she clicks off her phone, plugs it in, and finally gets to drift off to sleep. Her cheeks ache by the time her breathing evens out and she's finally off to dreamland.

What a day.

——————

Cady wanted to give it a few days, but by the second morning, she knows she just can't wait any longer. She suits up for another brisk winter's day and heads out into it with a smile. She did pause, put her car back in park, and do a frantic search of the staff directory to make sure she's actually going to the right school, but that's the only thing that stops her from just getting going today.

Part of her chides herself for being so eager to see Janis again, and leaping at the opportunity so quickly instead of trying to space out their meetings. But, what if these treats Cady accidentally stole are important? What if some child gets a question correct or behaves well for a class period and has to settle for a Jolly Rancher instead of the elf-shaped eraser their heart so desperately desires?

Plus, Cady tells herself, it's not like she has to ration seeing Janis. They live in the same city again, now. They may not be best friends again, at least not yet, but Janis clearly doesn't have any qualms about seeing her. They'll be able to do it more than once a year or so, now.

So, why not today?

Cady stops on the mat just inside the doors to stomp the snow off her boots. She tugs open the door as she's buzzed in and carefully pulls off her mittens. The lady behind the front desk looks up at her expectantly as she hangs up the phone. "How can I help you?"

"Hi, um, I have some stuff to drop off for a friend of mine. She left it in my car by mistake, I just wanted to be sure she got it back," Cady replies, resting the grocery bag of treats on the granite desktop to demonstrate.

"What's the name?"

"Janis Sarkisian," Cady replies.

The woman taps away on her keyboard. She frowns suddenly. "We don't have any students by that name."

"Oh, no, she's the art teacher," Cady replies. She pauses with a little pout and adds, "I'm 26."

"Oh!" the secretary replies with a little jolt. She enters something again, and this time, she simply nods a little. "My mistake. We'll make sure she gets this, thank you."

Cady's about to nod and leave, but she gets a sudden little burst of confidence, and decides to take it by the horns and use it, by George. "Is there any way I could take it to her?"

The secretary squints scrutinizingly at her. "Well, we're really not supposed to allow unannounced visitors in during school hours."

"I understand," Cady replies, though she can't help deflating a little.

The woman grins kindly. "I'll make an exception just this once for the holiday season. Sign in, please."

"Thank you," Cady says with a wide smile, pulling the bag back to rest on the floor and taking one of the pens fastened to the desk with a little chain to sign in. She jots down her name and the date and time and her purpose for being there, and sticks on the visitors badge the woman passes to her. Cady gives the secretary another smile and a wave as she pushes out the door into the school.

It's very cute, as Cady looks around. All the doorknobs are so low to the ground for ease of the smaller students getting in and out. Cady doesn't actually know where she's going, so she looks around the empty cafeteria as she passes through, hunting for some kind of sign or map to guide her to where she needs to be.

There's a huge mural on the wall, flanking a large hallway that Cady can only assume leads back to the main classrooms. She grins a little as she scans the various cartoony-looking animals all running around and playing on a playground together; comprised of all the mascots of the elementary schools in the district.

There's a tiger and a bulldog pushing each other on a swing set, and an eagle flying overhead while a shark goes down a slide and a panther plays hopscotch with a chipmunk. Right in the middle is this school's mascot, a grizzly bear, smiling and giving the viewer a friendly thumbs-up. Cady smiles the biggest when she sees some familiar initials etched in the corner.

She can see the brightly colored playground covered in snow through the doors she's headed towards, waiting for the weather to warm again for the spring and the students to come play. There's some music faintly echoing through the cavernous room, chased by some happy chatting and the clanging of metal trays as the cafeteria staff prepare for lunch.

As an adult, Cady's glad she had the childhood she did. She's thankful she was homeschooled and got to learn at her own pace, and to experience her wonderful life in Africa. But a little part of her does still wish she got to grow up surrounded by so much color and happy noise.

On the opposite side to the lunch line is a hidden hallway, tucked away on the side of a stage and leading to a fire exit. Cady can hear a cacophonous blend of out-of-tune recorders all playing on top of each other even muffled by the door at the end of the hall. The one closer to her is open, and decorated with colorful butcher paper to look like the entrance to a gingerbread house.

She peeks into a colorful wonderland, and smiles as she sees a familiar form so clearly in her element.

Janis is hunched over talking to one of her little students, so she doesn't see Cady as she comes in. She helps the kid figure out how to get his watercolors to stop blending together and gives his hair a proud little ruffle when he finally gets the hang of waiting for things to dry a little and rinsing off his brush before switching colors.

Another little girl comes running up to show off the progress she's made on a clay castle. Janis lets her hand be taken by a little one and led back to her table to see. Janis gasps happily and crouches again to get a closer look.

"This is great! Did you do the slip and score like I showed you?" she asks. The girl nods proudly, showing off her toothy smile. Janis grins back. "Yes, Lucy! This looks amazing!"

Janis gives the girl a gentle pat on the back and turns to see who else needs her attention. Cady smiles as her eyes fall on her huddled in the doorway, and suddenly brighten.

"Caddy! Hey, what are you doing here?!"

Cady laughs as Janis winds her way around the maze of student tables and rushes into a hug. She squeezes her back and explains, "Your treats got mixed up with my stuff, somehow. I found them in my trunk, I just wanted to make sure you got them."

"Oh, shit," Janis says, quietly so her students can't hear. "Thank you."

"No problem," Cady replies with a little smile. Janis takes the bag as she pulls back and peeks in to make sure everything is in order.

"How'd your cookies go over?" she asks, waving Cady over to her desk tucked into the corner.

"They were a hit, apparently. Thank you so much. You totally saved the day," Cady chuckles.

"Good. I'm glad I could help," Janis replies, lounging back against her desk with a smile.

Cady returns it and nods. "I guess I should go. Let you get back to your kiddos."

"I'll see you soon, though?" Janis asks. "Dame and I wanna drag you out for dinner soon."

"Absolutely," Cady replies with a giggle. She gives Janis another hug, and feels brave enough to leave a quick peck on her cheek. It's the holiday spirit, she tells herself.

They're both a very Christmassy shade of red as Cady pulls back and shuffles back to the door in her bulky winter coat. She pauses just before leaving and waves.

"Bye, Jay. See you soon."

Janis smiles and waves back. "See ya, Cads. Thank you."

Cady smiles and heads back into the hallway. Just as she leaves, she hears a voice ask, "Was that your girlfriend, Ms. S?"

Janis doesn't reply other than a flustered, "Just focus on your drawing, Jordan."

——————

That night, Cady's making dinner for her family when her phone pings. She carefully sets her sauce-dripping spatula on its special platter to save the countertops and picks it up to check. 

Her smile nearly spreads off her face when she sees a text waiting from Janis.

jayjay: hey thanks for bringing that stuff back

peanut: Oh it was no problem!

jayjay: my kids all said to tell u you're really pretty lol

peanut: Aww how cute
peanut: You're so sweet with them

jayjay: lmao you haven't seen me with the fifth graders

peanut: Well I'm gonna choose to believe it's exactly as sweet and wholesome as you with those little ones

jayjay: whatever floats ur boat lol
jayjay: it was really nice of you to bring it all that way tho fr

peanut: You helped me out so much the other day I just wanted to return the favor a little
peanut: Holiday giving spirit and all that lol

Cady worries her lower lip between her teeth just a little before she adds another message to her teasing.

peanut: And I really just wanted to see you again

jayjay: i was excited to see you again too
jayjay: u should come by more
jayjay: sometime when i'm on lunch i'll show you around a little
jayjay: as long as deb at the front desk lets you in lol

peanut: I would love that
peanut: I got to see a little bit this time
peanut: That mural you did in the cafeteria is amazing

jayjay: oh god that thing
jayjay: thank you
jayjay: they asked me to do that my first year there and they won't let me do it over

peanut: They shouldn't!!!
peanut: It's so cute

jayjay: i am haunted daily by a single one of the bear's teeth that i fucked up

peanut: Most of the viewers are like six years old Jay
peanut: I can promise you're the only one paying attention to his teeth

jayjay: yes and that's exactly the problem lol
jayjay: anyway
jayjay: are you free next friday?

peanut: Yeah I'm free basically all the time right now lol
peanut: I'm not even trying to do any job or apartment hunting until the new year everything is just so crazy right now
peanut: So I have kinda nothing but free time lol
peanut: And I'm rambling again

jayjay: it's ok i've missed your rambles

peanut: Again I think you're the only one

jayjay: more for me then
jayjay: anyway dame and i are taking you to dinner
jayjay: it's happening u can't say no

Cady laughs. Her cheeks are starting to ache from smiling at her phone.

peanut: I wouldn't dream of it

jayjay: tits
jayjay: he will not stfu about "getting the band back together" and he says we absolutely have to go to that diner by north shore we used to live at

peanut: !!!!
peanut: God yes

jayjay: thank u for saving me from his bitching lol
jayjay: ok you just have ur cute butt ready by eight ish we'll handle the rest

peanut: Sounds tits 🥰

jayjay: YES
jayjay: mwahahaha
jayjay: ok see you then love you

peanut: Love you too Jay

Her dinner for tonight is terribly burnt, but Cady still can't wipe the smile from her face or the warmth of excitement from her core. Something as simple as a dinner with her old best friends has her hands shaking so much she can hardly scrape the crusted bits of her formerly delicious meal off the bottom of the pan. Dinner with Janis.

And she said my butt is cute.

—————

As instructed, Cady is showered and styled and made up and dressed and dropped off by eight on the dot the following Friday. She tried waiting for her friends inside the diner, but she's so excited by getting to see them again that she started to overheat a little in her cozy sweater. So, she plops on a bench outside, bundled in her coat, and tries her best to play a math game on her phone with steadily-numbing fingers.

Cady jolts a little when she hears a bellowed, "Caddy! Marie! Heron!"

She barely has time to push herself to her feet before Damian is swallowing her in the biggest, tightest, most amazing hug, lifting her off the ground, and whirling her around in circles. Cady laughs into his shoulder and tries her best to squeeze him back. "Hi, Damian."

"Oh my goooood!" he sighs as he carefully deposits her back on solid ground and helps smooth her clothes and hair back out. "It's been so long."

"I know, it really has," Cady agrees softly. She carefully pops up to leave a friendly kiss on his cheek, and follows it with a little pat for good measure. "Too long. I missed you."

"I missed you too! How are you? How's Cali? You've turned into such a beach babe!"

Cady laughs. "Dame, I was in San Fransisco, not Hollywood."

"Far as he's concerned you've been out swimming with the turtles every day. Living your best Moana life," Janis snorts. "Either that or you've become besties with all the celebrities in our stead."

"Well, the turtles and the movie stars have nothing on you two doofuses," Cady giggles.

Her chest fills with a comforting warmth. A sense of just right. Almost nostalgic, but like it's supposed to be happening right now, at this very moment, all at once. They're supposed to be together. The art freaks, the gay-fecta, the Three Musketeers of North Shore back in action. She can't resist wiggling her way between the both of them for a group cuddle and relishing in the feeling of two strong, comforting sets of arms winding around her and squeezing her close.

They linger like that for a long, long time. They do have nearly ten years of decent hugs to get caught up on, after all. Cady feels Damian's cheek eventually settle against the top of her head, and Janis' tucks on top of her shoulder. None of them seem ready to let go.

In fact, the only reason they disperse is because Cady can no longer breathe. She pulls back with a sniffle and tries to keep the tears swimming in her eyes just where they are as she quietly murmurs, "I really missed you guys."

"Hey, no crying," Janis warns, sounding a bit choked up herself. Her winter-chilled thumbs gently brush the escaped tears off Cady's rosy cheeks, and she gives a chastising boop to the tip of her nose. "You've had enough of that. It's Christmas, no more crying allowed, missy."

Cady giggles and wipes her nose on her sleeve. It's so cold that that mere action already makes it sting a little, and she's sure she now looks like Rudolph. "Okay, okay, sorry. Happy times only."

"Wait, wait, no! Why are you crying, what happened?!" Damian asks frantically.

Cady sighs. "Aaron and I just finalized our divorce a few weeks ago. I'm... sort of in the process of moving home. And... dealing with all that."

"Oh, baby," Damian coos sadly, pulling her into another, much more gentle hug. "I'm so sorry. Do we need to kill him? Any body part removals need to happen?"

"No, no, it's okay," Cady chuckles. Damian nods, and Cady leans into his comfort. Nobody gives hugs like Damian.

Suddenly, he gasps, and rests a hand on his heart like he's come to a shocking revelation. "Oh my god, I get to be the gay best friend in How Caddy Got Her Groove Back."

Cady laughs. "You're making a movie about my divorce?"

"No, the real thing!" Damian insists. "I gotta take you to get a makeover and drink ridiculous amounts of coffee and cocktails and stuff. Like they do in the movies. Bitchy walks on the beach. Shopping spree."

"Good luck with that," Janis replies dryly, squinting at them through the haze of falling snow. "Can we go? I'm gonna freeze my tits off."

"Yes, we must away. Madame," Damian says, offering Cady his elbow, which she takes with a delighted giggle. "Just promise me one thing?"

"Hm?" Cady hums in reply.

"Don't ever dye or straighten that hair," Damian says longingly, twirling a ringlet around his index finger.

"You have my solemn word," Cady nods with a chuckle.

"Let's go!" Janis insists crankily, nudging at the backs of their boots.

"Alright, alright, yeesh! We're not reindeer, chill your fucking jets, turbo," Damian huffs.

"On Dasher, on Dancer, on Ginger and Fruitcake. I'm fucking hungry," Janis replies.

Damian and Cady both laugh at their new nicknames and mush their way through the snow into the restaurant. They all breathe a sigh of relief as the warmth floods through their icy cold extremities. Damian goes to see about getting a table while Janis and Cady shuck their big puffy coats and fold them over their arms.

The hostess leads them back to a booth tucked away, quiet and cozy near to the back. Damian ends up smushed inside the booth facing the window, and Janis immediately takes the opportunity to slide in across from him to have some space. Cady hesitates, wondering who to sit by, but Damian presses himself as far into the booth as he can and pats the blue vinyl next to him. Cady grins a little and plops herself down at his side. Her foot nudges Janis' under the table as she settles into place, and she jumps and blushes as she gets a little, very intentional nudge back.

"Sorry," she says sheepishly, shoving her coat across the table with Damian's to make a pile next to Janis out of the way of their meal. Janis splutters a little as she gets a zipper to the face, but does kindly stuff them against the wall next to her with her own.

"No worries, Peanut," Janis chuckles. Cady feels another little affectionate tap against her foot, and she grins shyly at the beautiful woman across the table. Whoa, what?

"God, I haven't been Peanut in so long," she chuckles, hoping to dissuade whatever the hell is swirling through her head harder than the snow starting to fall outside.

"You're like, four and a half feet tall. You're always Peanut sometime," Damian replies with a chuckle.

"I am five foot three!" Cady humphs.

"Peanut." is Janis' simple reply.

Cady pops open her menu and hides behind it, still grumbling under her breath about "rude, giant friends" and "not that short" and "first time I've really seen you guys in seven years, supposed to be nice to me" when the waiter comes up to take their order. She can tell her friends are both once again choking back laughter when she happily orders her cinnamon swirl pancakes, the perfect holly-jolly dish, while they get "normal" things like a burger with fries and grilled chicken with vegetables.

"I'm starting to remember why I stopped hanging out with you people," she huffs jokingly when Janis finally breaks at her ordering some chocolate milk to drink with her delicious breakfast-for-dinner. "You guys are so mean."

"You're the one who ran off to Cali with your boy toy hubby and left us behind!" Damian scoffs defensively.

"Not my fault you were too big to fit in my suitcase," Cady cracks back, making everyone laugh with her this time. "...You guys could've come to visit, too, you know."

"We wanted to," Janis replies gently. "It just never felt like-"

Everyone chimes in with her when she says, "The right time."

Cady knows they're right. They never really had a reason to travel all that way just for her. By the time she and Aaron were married and moving, things between them were already strained by the pull of time and distance. College in different states, other relationships to focus on, the burden of heavy memories shared between the three of them from Cady's early adventures in America.

But now, sitting bunched up with them once again, those memories don't feel quite as grating. As sharp, as mean, as invasive. Cady's not sure if it's the "time heals all wounds" cliche coming true, or just having people to share them with again.

"I felt like the new kid until I moved back," Cady jokes weakly. "People in California are so mean! I thought Chicago had rude people, but oh my god! Someone told me that my hair being so curly was a sign I needed more fiber and my protein was out of balance. And of course, if I took their eighty dollar supplement with absolutely no federal regulation or testing or anything, then all my... I dunno, my chakras would realign and all my stuff would be balanced and I'd finally be beautiful."

"Someone call Pixar, we have a new hit," Damian chuckles. "I just could never subject this beautiful skin to a flight that long. Or a road trip with that one for any duration of time."

Janis scoffs as he points across the table to her. "I'm great on road trips!"

"Lake Michigan?" Damian replies simply, like that sums up absolutely everything.

"Is like, at most a thirty minute drive," Janis retorts. "Doesn't count."

"Uhhuh."

Cady sits quietly. There's obviously been some incident-laden trip that she wasn't around to hear about. She grins watching her friends banter the exact same way they always used to, but there's a painful tug somewhere in her chest at the same time. She's glad she had her time in California, her time with her husband. Losing touch with people back home just felt like the natural order of things at the time. But now... is she even allowed to say she regrets some parts of it all? Can she say that and say she doesn't regret doing any of it, getting married and moved and divorced, even a little?

At this point, her entire life may as well be constructed of contradictions. She's always questioned if she's allowed to feel more than one way at the same time. Do more than one thing, be more than one thing. She decides this is probably yet another one of those times and tries to move on.

"Caaaadddy?" Damian calls like he's summoning a ghost from the beyond. Apparently she wasn't entirely successful.

"Huh?"

"Where have you been?" Janis chuckles fondly. "You okay?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Cady replies immediately. "I was just... thinking and stuff. Nothing important."

"Girl, you were zoned out for a full five minutes," Damian retorts.

"Alright, it was like, forty-five seconds. Be reasonable," Janis says. She looks at Cady with a tiny, reassuring grin. "You sure you're good?"

Cady nods. "Yeah. Sorry." She takes a breath to steel herself and presses on. "So tell me what happened at Lake Michigan."

Damian tells a long and winding story that lasts through their meals being deposited in front of them and results in some of Cady's delicious chocolate milk coming out her nose. She's just glad she decided not to order a soda.

Janis peppers in with the anecdotes Damian misses, including the final incident on the last day of the trip where she ran over a "frighteningly, really just too large" fish on the jet ski their airbnb provided and managed to rack up a repair fee that she had to take extra shifts for a month to cover. She still insists that the fish crashed into her, thank you very much.

Cady's laughing so hard by the end of it that Damian is essentially the only thing keeping her upright. She's sad to have missed it, but laughing with the two of them feels just like it did when they were seventeen and all squashed on that tiny loveseat in Damian's basement watching classic movies on VHS. She's missed it.

"We should do something this summer," Janis says once they've all settled to giggling and wiping tears of laughter from their eyes.

Damian gasps. "Yes! Caddy needs the beach frolicking scene to prove her groove is back!"

"Who says I lost my groove to begin with?" Cady giggles. "The divorce was a mutual thing, you know."

"But you had to uproot your entire life and move home! Start everything over!" Damian insists. "Babe, the drama! The intrigue!"

Cady can't help but laugh. "Okay, okay."

"He's just desperate to be the gay best friend in a sitcom and/or early 2000s chick flick," Janis sighs fondly. "You're his in."

"I do probably need it," Cady sighs, jogging her straw up and down in her glass of chocolate milk and taking a small sip.

"Do you have plans on Christmas Eve?" Janis asks, prompting Cady to peek her eyes up at her across the table.

She chokes a little trying to get her sip down fast enough to speak and coughs out a quiet, "Um, no, I don't think so."

"You're coming to our Christmas party," Janis says, leaving no room for Cady to protest even if she wanted to.

"Okay," Cady replies with a giggle. "I'd love to."

Damian gushes about the party they throw every year, and many more stories are shared as they gobble up their delicious meals. Cady boxes up a single piece of bacon to bring home to her dad like she promised, and tugs her coat back on once Janis passes it across the table to her.

She shuffles out of the restaurant wedged firmly between her friends, and Janis helpfully takes hold of her fingers as they poke out the end of her sleeve to guide her through the parking lot. Cady just leans into the warmth and chases it through the blustering cold December wind.

She huddles in the backseat still bundled tightly in her coat for the drive home. Damian carefully creeps through the city until they're pulling into Cady's driveway.

"I'll walk you up," Janis says, undoing her seatbelt and opening Cady's door for her.

"Thanks," Cady replies, smiling at her from beneath her hood as she hauls herself out of the car and upright.

She fumbles for a second pulling her keys out of her pocket and unlocking the front door with frozen fingers. Eventually, the door swings open, beckoning her with a warm white light into the cozy haven of home.

Instead, she turns around, looking at her friend standing behind her with her hands shoved in her pockets, squinting in the wind, and smiling fondly back at her.

"Can you come in for just a second?"

"Sure," Janis replies. She respectfully kicks the snow off her boots as she follows Cady inside and stands in the doorway.

Cady tries to be quick pulling off her own boots, and shedding her coat and scarf and hat. "I'll be right back."

Janis nods as Cady squeezes past her and runs up the stairs to grab something from her bedroom and back.

"I wanted to give you this," Cady says softly. "I know I'll be seeing you closer to Christmas, now, but... I wanted to make sure I got a chance to give it to you alone. It's nothing crazy! But... yeah."

Janis grins faintly at the little box Cady carefully hands her. "Thanks, Cads."

Cady nods and nibbles anxiously on her lower lip as Janis gently slides the box open and smiles at its contents.

"It's beautiful," Janis says, carefully lifting the small silver bracelet off its cushion to admire. She chuckles faintly at the charm dangling from the chain right in the middle. "A horse?"

"It was meant to be a zebra," Cady replies sheepishly. "They've always reminded me of you, but I couldn't find any good zebra charms with the thingy in them."

"Thingy?"

Cady nods and carefully takes the bracelet back to demonstrate. "The gem has a picture inside. Look."

Right where the "zebra's" eye is, is a little diamond-looking gemstone. It takes a few rounds of peeking through either side and trying to shine a flashlight around or through or near it, but eventually, they find the right way to view it, and Janis closes one eye as she squints through the little stone. Cady watches a smile spread across her face as she looks at the picture inside.

The picture of them, so many years ago. Arms around each other in a loose sort of hug, probably having just finished one of their impromptu dance parties they were so fond of back then. They're clearly moving, in such a way that only the two of them are really in focus and the background is all a blur. Cady's hair is swishing in front of them one way, Janis' the other way behind them. They're clearly laughing; at themselves, at each other, at some old-to-them memory, who can say. But their eyes are locked on each other, shining and bright and happy; with smiles to meet them spreading across their cheeks and almost to each other.

Cady doesn't remember when or how the photo was taken. She doesn't know who took it, though she can guess it was probably Damian. She doesn't remember that day or what they were doing, what was happening around them.

All she remembers is the girl in front of her. All she knows is that it's a photo she never wanted to delete from her camera roll even when her phone kept running out of storage space. That it's one she backed up in at least six places.

That she hoped they would smile and laugh and hold each other like that again. For years, she hoped.

Janis carefully pulls down the bracelet and looks at Cady with a smile just as wide as the original. She yanks Cady against her and squeezes her in the tightest hug. Cady smiles and settles her head against her shoulder, just relishing in being close to her best friend.

She frowns a little when Janis lets go with one arm and starts digging in her pocket. She pulls out her phone, and scrolls through it for a moment before she holds it so Cady can see the screen.

Cady smiles as she sees the same photo above Janis' contact name for her, Peanut. She looks up at Janis with her head still pressed against her shoulder.

"I never changed it," Janis explains softly. "I always loved that picture."

"I did too," Cady says quietly. "Do you like it? I wasn't sure how much jewelry you still wore, but I know your necklaces are Damian's spot and your rings are for you, but I wasn't sure if you actually wear bracelets so-"

"I love it, Caddy," Janis replies with such gentleness that Cady is immediately settled. Cady nods and nuzzles more firmly into her shoulder.

They stay like that for a long, long time. It feels like forever to Cady, but in actuality is probably only a few minutes. Janis eventually loosens her arms from around Cady and tries to latch her new bracelet around her wrist.

Cady giggles as she fumbles with it for a second, poking out her tongue in concentration and bending her arm every which way to try to get it to stay put while she gets the clasp fastened. It does not work.

"Let me help," Cady says, reaching to snatch Janis' flailing wrist out of the air and pull it close to help. Janis' hand is warm and soft when her fingers brush it and fumble with the clasp. It takes a few tries, but she manages to get it hooked and securely on.

It's then that her eyes fall to the only other adornment on Janis' wrist.

Another from her, a long, long time ago. A little thin thing she wove from some leather cord. Janis had always liked the bracelet Cady's mother had made for her, and when Cady learned of the concept of a friendship bracelet, she made Janis her own. It's faded now, fraying and almost molded to the shape of Janis' arm.

"I can't believe you still have this," Cady murmurs, gently brushing her fingertips over it.

Janis grins at her almost sadly when Cady glances up to see her face once more. "I never took it off."

Cady comes to a critical, thrilling, terrifying and wonderful realization right there and then. The lights seem to fall away, and a spotlight shines on this moment from above.

She's in love with Janis Sarkisian.

And she has been for a very, very long time.

"You alright?" Janis asks, gently settling a hand on Cady's burning cheek. "You look a little flushed."

"Oh!" Cady gasps, actively trying not to lean into Janis' cool touch. "Y-yeah, I'm fine. I'm just... still not used to the cold. Messes with... circulation and stuff. I'll be fine."

Janis nods, but she still looks worried. "I have your present too, but maybe you should go lie down."

"No! No, I-I'm really okay. It's just the temperature shift, I'm fine," Cady says, desperately trying to reassure her. Janis still squints at her just a little. Cady sighs and adds, "I promise I'll lie down for a bit when you leave."

But I wish you didn't have to.

Janis finally seems assuaged with the reassurance that Cady is fine and that she's promised to take care of herself anyway.

Cady smiles as she nods and rushes out the door with a quickly promised, "I'll be right back." Cady counts how long it takes her to run to grab her present from the car and back, and true to her word, Janis is back in just over ten seconds. "Here."

"Thank you," Cady giggles as Janis stands panting before her. She carefully removes the tissue paper from the small bag and reaches inside to remove its contents. Her fingertips brush against something plush and soft, and she smiles, anticipating some kind of stuffed animal.

Her jaw drops when she removes her hand, and with it, a handmade stocking.

Janis made all of her family's stockings by hand in her (mandated) home economics class in high school. Back then, her family was just herself, her mother, and her little sister. Cady knew Damian got as close to a copy as Janis could manage when they were in college and it was finally time for them to admit they were stuck as part of each others' lives for good. Cady remembers admiring them all hanging in a neat little row from the mantle whenever she was visiting at Janis' house over the three Christmases they actually spent as friends.

And now she has her own.

It's very much a classic stocking, made of soft red velvet and a plush white trim around the top. Her name is embroidered in delicate cursive on the trim, and all the decorations on the velvet are personalized to her. A Christmas tree in the middle, with glittering sequin ornaments shining in pink and green and yellow and blue, her favorite colors. A nutcracker doll by the toe, a toy airplane by the trim. There's a little Santa face with beady black eyes and a pompom on his hat, and a plush-looking giraffe made of impossibly tiny and intricate bits of felt.

Cady blinks away tears as she looks it all over. Her very own Sarkisian stocking. She can tell Janis put an incredible amount of time and effort into it. She must've stayed up all night working on it at least once to have gotten it finished and so beautiful so quickly.

All of the stockings Janis has made are completely unique. All have the same (or as close as she could get to it) red velvet and white trim, but all the little appliqués and decorations are personalized. There's some commonalities, though, and Cady knows this for a fact.

Namely, all of them have a Christmas tree in the middle, just like Cady's. But Cady knows all the others have a year embroidered on the pot holding the tree. The year they joined the family. For Janis' mother, it's the year she married Janis' father. For herself and her sister, it's the years they were born. For Damian, it's the year she finally gave up and decided to call him her family for real, and make it all official.

Cady's pot is blank.

Maybe Janis didn't notice, or she just forgot, or ran out of time. Cady's so busy admiring everything else that she has a hard time noticing it, either.

"Thank you," she chokes, throwing her arms around Janis and giving her a tight squeeze. Janis slips her arms around her and squeezes her back, providing some comforting rubs up and down her spine that leave a paradoxical trail of goosebumps and warmth in their wake all at once. Cady sniffles and murmurs, "I love you. It! I-I love it. Thank you."

"My pleasure," Janis hums, faintly nosing against the side of Cady's head and giving her another squeeze.

Cady lingers in that tight hold as long as she possibly can. Every last drop of love and affection she can squeeze out of her... friend.

They both sigh a little when they pull back, like neither of them have quite been breathing in the right rhythm. Janis gently swipes her hands over Cady's cheeks to dry the tears that managed to slip out, and Cady giggles.

"Thanks."

"No problem," Janis chuckles. "I should probably go. Dame's gonna get cranky if I don't put him to bed soon."

Cady laughs harder. "He's just a baby."

"You're fuckin' telling me," Janis snorts. "I'll see you soon, though."

Cady nods, gazing up into those soft, wide brown eyes. "Yeah."

Janis looks back into hers for another long, too long beat. "Yeah." She coughs a little, and massages the back of her neck as she takes a half-step away. "I, uh... I'll text you the party details and everything. It'll be a good time."

"Okay!" Cady agrees, a touch too eager as she snaps back into herself. "Let me know when you guys get home safe, too. And thanks for tonight. It was a lot of fun."

"Yeah, it was," Janis agrees. "Okay, uh... bye, then."

"Bye," Cady echoes softly. "Drive safe. And tell Dame I said thanks, too."

"I will," Janis agrees quietly.

Another moment of tempting silence passes between them. Cady looks at Janis. Janis looks back.

Janis leaves.

Cady closes the door after her and pads up to her room. She sits on her bed, still in her outfit and coat and all, and tenderly traces the pads of her fingers over her new, amazing Christmas stocking. She can almost feel the love and the intention Janis put behind every stitch.

But is it the same love Cady feels for her? Has it ever been? Is it too late for them now, now that Cady's only just realized how she's felt all along? Or is this a sign Janis feels the same?

She's not sure how to feel. Not sure what to think.

A ping from her phone jolts her out of her haze. She fumbles for it in her pocket and giggles at the photo Janis sent of Damian all snuggled in bed and dreaming of sugar plums with the caption, home safe.

jayjay: thanks for going out with us

peanut: Any time
peanut: Thanks for dragging me out I needed to get out of the house for a while lol

jayjay: lmao it was our pleasure
jayjay: we'll have to do it again

peanut: Absolutely
peanut: And my treat next time

jayjay: ooh sold
jayjay: maybe that time will have to just be the two of us lol

Cady bites her lip. What is Janis doing? What should she do?

She decides it's best to just be honest.

peanut: I'd really love that

jayjay: me too
jayjay: maybe once you get a little more settled back here
jayjay: you gotta learn all the good spots again

peanut: God yeah
peanut: Might just have to cook you something in the meantime lol I haven't been getting out much

jayjay: it is peak hermit season tho

peanut: And I am living it to the fullest
peanut: Except when you guys drag me out of bed lol

jayjay: oh shit speaking of

Cady grins as she gets an obviously copy-pasted invitation to their Christmas Eve white elephant party. Janis never uses capital letters. Cady carefully sets the time in her calendar and makes a note to find a gift to bring.

peanut: Thank you
peanut: And thank you again for my stocking
peanut: I love it

She sends a photo of it hanging in pride of place from her bedpost before she can get it properly hung up by the fireplace tomorrow.

jayjay: i'm glad
jayjay: i love my bracelet

Cady smiles as she gets a flash-lit photo of Janis' hand displaying the bracelet as it rests on her pillow.

peanut: I'm glad you like it
peanut: I'll let you get some sleep you must be wiped

jayjay: never too wiped for you

Again, Cady doesn't know what the fuck to say to that.

peanut: Goodnight Jay
peanut: Thanks again for tonight
peanut: Talk soon?

jayjay: sure thing
jayjay: gnight caddy
jayjay: i love u

Cady feels a rush of warmth and her cheeks flushing pink.

peanut: I love you too Jay
peanut: Sweet dreams 🥰😘

jayjay: ♥️🥰

Cady trills her lips and falls back onto her bed as she clicks off her phone and lets it plop to her side.

What have I gotten us into?

—————

"Caddy!" Janis greets eagerly as soon as she pulls the door open to find Cady on the other side. "Hey, you. Come in. I can take your coat."

"Hi," Cady replies with a shyness she isn't used to. Her eyes are locked onto Janis like a magnet, refusing to let her pull them away from her shimmery gold sequined pants and flowy black top elegantly tucked into them. She has an especially hard time looking away from the tasteful bit of cleavage exposed by the satiny material. She suddenly feels horribly underdressed in her Christmas sweater and red corduroy dress.

"You look so cute," is Janis' comforting response. She gently reaches to feel the cozy material of Cady's sleeve.

Cady smiles. "Thanks. You look... beautiful."

"Thank you," Janis says. "Uh... Damian... buys most of my outfits now."

Cady laughs. "He has good taste."

Janis mutters something under her breath that sounds a little bit like, "So do I." Cady does her best to act like she didn't hear, and Janis quickly moves on. "C'mon, get settled in."

Cady smiles and follows her into the apartment Janis and Damian share. Damian has clearly been hard at work decorating and preparing everything. Cady blinks in shock at the sheer amount of sparkly tinsel and garland and twinkly lights bedecking practically every inch of the place. The man himself is stringing some last strands of shiny foil from their Christmas tree when he hears them come in.

"Caddy!" he gasps excitedly. Cady giggles as he hustles over and swamps her in a hug. "Our angel is here."

"She'd probably fit on top of the tree," Janis teases from behind them. Cady turns around and sticks out her tongue at her, and Janis sticks hers back before they both dissolve into giggles.

"Can I help set anything up?" Cady asks. "Oh, and I got this for the um... elephant thingy."

"Thanks," Janis chuckles. She takes the small, neatly wrapped present and carefully deposits it under the tree Damian just finished decorating.

Damian himself gently pulls Cady away from his shoulder and looks into her eyes. "You understand there's not actually gonna be an elephant tonight? It's important to me that you know this."

"She's lived in America for ten years, Dame," Janis replies. Cady's cheeks are cradled in Damian's hands such that she has just enough peripheral vision to see Janis rolling her eyes at him. "I'm sure she's past the point of expecting to see wild animals everywhere she goes."

"I did a lot of research, too," Cady mumbles sheepishly. They're both correct. Cady knows most places she visits will not contain any animal encounters. That being said, she was, for the briefest of moments, thrilled by the idea of a Christmas party at the zoo upon receiving Janis' texted invitation to their white elephant party.

Janis chuckles fondly and hands her a delicious looking cookie. "Of course you did."

"There's nothing wrong with research!" Cady humphs, defensively taking a nibble of the iced treat.

"I never said there was!"

"You implied it," Cady grumbles. "This is really good."

"Thanks," Janis chuckles. "My nana's recipe."

Cady coos and pulls back the cookie she's eaten about half of to examine in more detail. "You made these?"

"I decorated. Dame does all the cooking and baking," Janis replies.

"Few too many fires?" Cady asks teasingly. Janis flushes a delicate pink, and Cady is suddenly more than a little concerned. "Wait, really?"

"Listen," Janis says, and provides exactly no other defense.

Cady laughs. "Well, the cookies came out great anyway." She takes another few bites, stuffing her cheeks out like a hamster and still chewing as she asks, "Now, sheriously, can I hewlp with anyd'ing?"

Janis chuckles fondly at Cady's antics and looks around. Damian is frantically darting from decoration to decoration, tilting and twisting and adjusting everything just so. They decide it's best to just leave him to it. "Uh... here, you find a decent playlist."

Cady nods and settles on the couch with Janis' unlocked phone carefully cradled between her hands. She opens the music folder and selects an app at random, and types "holiday" into the search bar. Damian darts past and slides a bluetooth speaker across the coffee table at her, so she syncs Janis' phone to it and hides the speaker behind the couch so it seems more like natural ambiance. Damian did teach her a few things back in high school, after all.

As a joke, she picks a kiddy playlist, and Janis looks at her in horror from the kitchen as a choir of chipmunks start singing Silent Night. Cady just grins impishly and selects an oldies playlist comprised mostly of Bing Crosby. Janis visibly relaxes and nods a little as the music settles into something with her approval.

Cady stands and pads into the kitchen. Janis is plating some chips and vegetables around a Christmassy bowl of dip. Cady gently smushes herself against her back and presses her cheek to Janis' shoulder.

Janis chuckles and gently pats one of the hands Cady has settled on her tummy. "Hi."

"Hi," Cady replies quietly.

"Can I help you with something?"

"No."

"Mmkay," Janis replies, carrying on like nothing is amiss. Whenever she needs to grab something, she leads Cady, latched to her waist, around the kitchen like a mother swan carries its baby. And she doesn't so much as mention it. She almost seems... used to it.

Once all the food is displayed to her standards, she gives Cady's hands another gentle pat before she laces their fingers together, pulls Cady's arms out straight so she's pressed even more tightly to her back, and winds both their arms around herself. Cady grins.

"I was thinking the whole time I was baking those cookies for my mom about my first Christmas here," she says softly. "That we spent together. Do you remember?"

Janis straightens a little and goes quiet, like she's thinking very hard. After a minute or so, Cady feels a chuckle puff its way out of her, and a nod.

"Yeah, I remember. I'm surprised you do," she replies quietly.

"Of course I remember. It... it was my favorite Christmas I've ever had," Cady says, just as softly.

Janis chuckles again. "Really?"

Cady nods. "I loved it. Every minute. I've never had one since that felt like that."

"Like what?"

"...Like I was home," Cady replies simply. "I don't know if I ever thanked you for that."

Janis carefully turns around and settles her cheek against the top of Cady's head, still acting like this is all a completely normal activity for them. "You didn't have anything to thank me for. You still don't."

"I know, I know, but... our junior year messed me up a lot more than I think I let on. I was just so... horrified that I was the one who did all those awful things. That I could change so much so quickly. That Christmas was the first time I felt like myself in... probably at least a year. And knowing it was you, and I had messed everything up with you and you still insisted on giving me a real American Christmas and showing me everything great about it that I had missed... you're the only reason I decided to stay here. I had been begging and pleading to go back to Kenya that whole year. You totally saved me."

"No, Cads, you saved me," Janis replies, sounding more than a little choked up. "Yeah, there were a couple bumps on the way, but you... you were the first friend I had in so long. The first new friend. I had only had Damian for years by the time you came along, and you... things just happened, with you. And it all felt so natural. You're the only reason I didn't totally write myself off back then. You were really the first light at the end of that tunnel, you know? You were the one who showed me I could make friends again. Even if they knew who I was and what had happened. You barely flinched when you found out. The cutest, most popular girl with the perfect grades and the hot football player boyfriend or whatever was my best friend. I got to start over because of you. Try again because of you. I have the friends you get to meet tonight because you showed me I could. I should be thanking you."

Cady smiles against Janis' shoulder. "Maybe we just saved each other."

Janis opens her mouth like she's about to respond when the first of her friends come into the room. They both snap apart like the other is on fire and frantically smooth down their clothes and hair that had been rumpled during their little cuddle session. Cady wipes some stray tears from her eyes and plasters on a smile as she's hauled into the group to be introduced.

Most of the evening goes about like that. Cady's dizzy from being slung into and out of groups like a spinning top, whirling out of one conversation and into the next before she gets a chance to breathe. It's exciting, though, getting to meet Janis and Damian's friends from college and their jobs. One or both of them sticks by her side the entire time, just to make sure she doesn't get swallowed by the mobs of their friends. They both proudly introduce her as their best friend from high school, and boast about getting their old gang back together now that she's moved back to Illinois.

Cady laughs and chats as well as she can, trying her best to keep up with the stories of college antics that get tossed around every year and work dramas and other things she's missed in her years so far away. She pipes in with her own anecdotes about her marriage (with a couple cracks about it ending to lighten the mood) and her brief stint as a professor. She breathes a quiet sigh of relief every time she makes her friends' very cool friends so much as chuckle a little.

The white elephant exchange is a welcome respite from all the socializing. Cady's overwhelmed the entire time, but she comes away with a mini waffle iron that prints Hello Kitty patterns in them, and the Golden Girls themed succulent planters she brought are a smash hit with their recipient. The biggest joy of the evening is a rotisserie chicken that one of Janis' college buddies brought and wrapped, so Cady is blessedly not the center of the evening after that.

There's a joyous dinner of exactly no Christmas foods at all. Janis explains that, after a few years of hosting, they realized nobody really wants to eat things like turkey and green bean casserole at a party. Instead, there's pizza, and buffalo dip, and lots of things Cady would've expected to see at one of Aaron's Superbowl parties. She shrugs and loads her plate with delicious, greasy pizza and lots and lots of cheesy pretzel bites. There is some mulled wine, and apple cider for the folks who don't drink, and an apple pie for dessert. Cady picks the sweet, mushy apples out of the crust of her small slice and laughs along to more stories about her best friends in the world.

After dinner comes more wine. People scatter and migrate around, some standing in the living room, others sitting at the table. Things settle a little. Damian brings out some games, and Cady joins in a couple. Janis is still talking with some other friends, and Cady sidles in next to her and spends a while contently listening to them speak and the music she picked out what already feels like a lifetime ago.

As the night draws on, and the sky gets darker, people start to trickle out. Janis and Damian see to their guests, and Cady sits in a peaceful, wine-dark haze on their couch, lulled into a dizzy sort of peace by the crooning voice of Bing Crosby still echoing from the speaker stuffed between the couch and the wall behind her.

As the last people finally leave, Cady decides it's time to do her part as a good guest, and starts scrubbing the dishes clean in the sink. She hums along to the music and lets her hands flush pink in the warm water as she contently washes away the memories of a wonderful evening.

Janis eventually makes a reappearance, and Cady turns around.

"You guys still throw great parties," she says, setting her drying rag on the counter and coming over to where Janis is standing by the kitchen island.

Janis smiles. "And you're still doing things nobody asked you to."

"You're my friends, I can't help with the dishes?" Cady says with a little faux-pout.

"You're also our guest, so no, you're making us look like assholes."

"Oh, I think you do plenty of that yourselves."

Janis scoffs and makes to roll her eyes. They catch on something at the top, and she tips her head up. Cady does too, following her gaze, and gasps softly as she sees a little green bunch of leaves hanging from the ceiling.

They look at each other. Cady's suddenly not sure if the warmth flooding her core and tinting her cheeks pink is from the mulled wine, after all.

"We don't have to," Janis whispers. "If you don't want to. Nobody's here."

Cady steps a little bit closer. "What if I do?"

"Wh-what?"

Cady giggles as Janis stutters in confusion. Her pupils dilate between her beautiful irises.

"Who says I don't want to?" Cady whispers back. She smirks a little as she echoes Janis. "Nobody's here."

"So you-"

"Good grief, Janis," Cady sighs, threading her hands around Janis' neck and using them to pull her down into a kiss.

The pressure of Janis' lips against hers is the single most delicious thing she's ever felt. Janis starts frozen, completely still. Cady holds her in place, hoping, praying she responds. That she wants this just as badly.

She smiles as Janis softens, seeming to melt against her. Her hands fall and tighten around Cady's hips, pulling her into herself and finally, finally kissing her back. Cady winds more of her arms around her neck and presses up closer, eventually standing on her tippy toes to get as close to Janis as she possibly can. Janis slips one of her own hands to the nape of Cady's neck, and delicately tips her chin up for a better angle to deepen the kiss.

Cady gasps softly as she swipes her tongue across her lower lip. She parts them, and Janis seizes the moment to take the kiss even further. Through all of it, she still cradles Cady so gently, like she's the most precious thing in the entire world, simply handed to her to hold safe.

And that's exactly what Cady feels. Janis' lips are so soft. So plush, so gentle, so right. Her palms are soft, warm, loving; settled in the small hollow of Cady's lower back and securely on the side of her neck. The world seems to just fall away around them. The rainbow lights on the tree, the music still playing faintly from the Bluetooth speaker now on the coffee table, the smells of mulled wine and cider and apple pie still hanging faintly in the air and making it smell sweet as they split for the briefest of seconds to breathe. None of it matters.

Nothing matters other than Janis' hand, solid and comforting on her back. The other, gentle and warm and anxious. Her lips, loving and insistent and almost never leaving Cady's on their own. Her smell, her touch, her everything. Her, her, her, her.

Before Cady quite knows it, she's falling backwards onto the sofa and pulling Janis after her. She's not sure how or when they stumbled their way over, locked in a strange sort of tango and waltzing their way to the living room. But here they are.

Cady's breath catches in the back of her throat as she feels Janis' hand on her chest, gently fingering the top button fastening her dress together in the middle. Pulled up by a high whimper, she murmurs, "Janis."

Janis only seems to realize who, what, where she is when she hears her name fall from Cady's lips. Cady's heart falls into her gut when that burning, comforting warmth is suddenly ripped away. Janis pulls back.

Cady sits up after her, trying to refocus her eyes beyond the blurry haze of arousal and adrenaline. "Jay, are you alright?"

"We-we shouldn't do this," Janis murmurs lowly. "You-you're not sober, the wine-"

"I only had two glasses," Cady retorts gently. "I can consent. I would've stopped you if I didn't want it." She pauses. "Do... do you not? It-it's totally fine if you don't, of course."

"God, Cads, I don't know," Janis replies, settling her head between her hands. "I had too much myself, I can't think-"

"Don't push yourself," Cady says tenderly. "I... I guess I should go."

"I'm sorry," Janis says.

"No, Jay, it's okay," Cady says. "You... you're right, we're not... we're not in our right minds. I understand." She stands and smooths out her skirt, redoing her buttons that Janis had undone. "Just promise you'll talk to me when you're ready?"

Janis nods and stands next to her. Cady smiles sadly at her, gently cradling her jaw between her hands. Janis barely meets her eye. "I promise."

Cady gently rises up and presses a tender, lingering kiss to her cheek. She sniffs faintly when she falls back onto the flats of her feet. "I'll see you soon."

Janis nods. "Text when you get home. And drive safe."

"I will," Cady replies with a nod of her own. She sighs softly as she pulls away. "Goodnight, Jay."

"Goodnight, Caddy."

Cady pulls her coat off the stand by the door and zips it up. Janis' shadow casts over her, blocking the light shining from the lamp in the kitchen. Cady takes one last look, and gives a little wave. Janis weakly lifts her hand in response.

Cady turns back, smooths out her coat, and leaves. The door clicks shut behind her, and she walks slowly to the parking lot without totally processing where she is.

The tears on her face chill as soon as she steps outside. Cady hunches in on herself defensively and picks up the pace a little, hustling to her car. She fumbles with her keys, dropping them to the ground and cursing as she bends to pick them up. Finally, they slip into place, and she climbs inside her cold car, suddenly crushingly small.

She chokes out a sob, slamming her hand against the wheel in front of her in a ditch attempt to get out her frustration. She clutches it in a tense grip, as tightly as she wants to grab Janis. Her head falls forward, settling at the top as tears pour down her face in rivers, pulled out by sobs she can't contain like the moon pulls the tide.

Just once, why couldn't love have worked in her favor?

——————

Cady clicks her phone off and drops it carefully to get lost in the sea of blanket she's nestled herself into. Her dad settles next to her on the couch with a quiet groan. Cady picks a Cheeto puff from the bowl he offers with her thumb and forefinger and lets it melt in her mouth. "Still no word?"

Cady just shakes her head. She can't bring herself to look at him lest the tears that have been brewing behind her eyes for the last six days, twenty-three hours, and thirty-one minutes should start to spill.

Her dad doesn't say anything in response beyond a gentle hum. Cady lets him pull her to rest against his strong shoulder, and sneaks another Cheeto as he rubs up and down her arm while they watch the New Year's TV programming in silence.

Cady's half-asleep and staring emptily at the television when she hears the doorbell ring. She hums sleepily as she lifts her head off her father's shoulder and her plush blanket off her lap. "I'll get it."

Her dad nods and gives her a gentle shove to help her stand on tired legs. Cady stumbles briefly across the living room before she gets some blood flow back and heads much more steadily down the hall to the front door.

Her heart seems to freeze in its beating and leap into her throat all at once when she opens it to find Janis on the other side.

Janis, for her part, doesn't even let Cady get all the way outside before she starts speaking. "Caddy, I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot."

Cady crosses her arms over her chest to keep out the cold and chuckles. Her comfy pajamas are warm, but not quite warm enough. Janis seems to notice and hesitantly steps closer. Cady doesn't protest, even as Janis gently winds her arms around her and gently holds the backs of her arms in her hands.

"I'm so sorry," she says, staring into Cady's eyes. "I just... I didn't want to ruin anything with you. I've barely seen you in the last ten years, I just got my best friend back, I... I was so scared I'd fuck up and lose you again. And for you, everything still being so... so fresh, I-I couldn't do that to you-"

"Janis," Cady murmurs, stopping her babbling apology in its tracks. Cady giggles faintly and gently winds her arms around Janis' neck, gazing lovingly up at her. "You couldn't ruin anything if you tried."

"But with Aaron-"

"Things end sometimes, Jay," Cady says softly. "It's part of life. Yes, it hurts knowing I don't have my husband anymore. My life, my family, isn't gonna look the way I expected. I do need time to finish coming to terms with that, but... I'm okay. I will be okay." Janis grins almost proudly and nods. "Aaron and I fell out of love with each other. But I don't see a minute of the years I spent with him as a waste. For a long time, he made me happy, and we loved each other. And... when that ended, we both deserved a chance to find that elsewhere. And I want that to be with you. If something happens to us however far down the line, then we can deal with that, Jay. But... denying us this chance at happiness won't do either of us any good. I want you. However long life lets us have each other."

Janis blinks away tears, and she nods again. "I want that, too."

"Then stop being so scared and kiss me, dummy," Cady replies, leaning in partway and smiling up at her.

Janis needs no further instruction. Cady's arms relax and fall to Janis' waist, squeezing her closer as Janis' hands slip to cradle her cheeks. Cady smiles so big Janis almost ends up kissing her teeth, and they both giggle into each other's lips. Just like the first time, Janis holds her close, her hands warm on Cady's chilled-pink cheeks. Her lips are soft and pliable, but tightened just a bit by a joyful smile. It all feels right. Like this is where they were meant to be all along.

They break apart when a firework explodes across the sky, echoing almost through them. Suddenly, the world is once again wider than just the two of them.

"Happy New Year, Jay," Cady whispers breathlessly.

Janis kisses her one more time. "Happy New Year, Caddy."

"I love you," Cady says with a smile, pressing up on her toes to nuzzle her nose against Janis'.

Janis grins and nuzzles her back, gently stroking across Cady's cheek with her thumb. "I love you. I've loved you since we were sixteen years old."

Cady smiles sadly. "I think I have too."

With one last press of lips, Cady slips her hands up to twine with Janis'. Janis gives her a gentle squeeze, and they look at each other almost in disbelief.

"Come inside," Cady beckons softly. "It's freezing out here."

"Really?"

"Well, I did have a glass of champagne," Cady teases. "Is that gonna freak you out?"

Janis chuckles. "I think I'll live."