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Alyss watched from the wings of the ballroom as Will dazzled members of the court. No matter how many times she noticed it, she was endlessly impressed by Will’s ability to charm anyone from a pig farmer to the king himself. Socializing was threaded into his very being, an undeniable part of him. She knew how hard it was for him to self isolate while on duty. Seacliff was brutal on his soul, but now that he had been reassigned to Redmont, he was thriving. The ranger cloak would always be a barrier between him and the rest of the townsfolk, but this was still the place that had raised him. No amount of ghost stories or tall tales could rewrite the history that had originated here.
“Why the long face?” Horace asked as he came up beside her and handed her a goblet of burgundy wine.
Alyss pulled her shoulders back and forced a smile. “Long face? What long face?”
Horace poked her cheek, “That one.”
She pushed at his arm which, infuriatingly, didn’t move. “I’m fine Horace, go bother Cassandra, or better yet, Will.”
“You haven’t looked “fine” all night. Want to tell me what’s actually bothering you, or do I need to start guessing?”
“Horace.” She said in a warning tone that used to work much better when they were ten but no longer seemed as potent. Apparently, life at court could toughen one's resolve quite a bit.
“You and Will had a fight on the way here because he wants to get married in secret tonight and you are still on the fence about whether you want to put up with his god-awful lute playing for the rest of your life.”
“Mandola,” She corrected reflexively, “and no.”
“You heard rumors about an assassination attempt and are trying to figure out how to stop it without disrupting the evening.”
“What? No.”
“You-”
“Horace,” Alyss cut him off, “you are a terrible guesser.”
Horace grinned, “So there is something to guess then.”
“No, there isn’t. I’m fine. Will and I are fine. Everything is fine.” With each fine Alyss could hear her voice tighten, could feel her chest tighten, but she couldn't stop it.
Horace dropped the joviality from his tone. “I know I’m not generally considered one of the “smart ones” in our group, but I don’t think anyone who’s actually fine feels the need to say it as much as you have tonight.”
“You’re smart in your own way Horace.” Alyss remembers saying the same thing over and over to Horace throughout their childhood as he struggled through their writing and mathematics lessons. At the time, she wasn’t sure how much she had meant it. Now, she’s certain she does.
Horace rolled his eyes, the words clearly not having the same nostalgic effect on him as they had on her. “And you’re deflecting Alyss. Tell me what’s going on.”
Alyss sighed and her eyes drifted towards Will. His eyes were sparkling and his hands danced wildly as he spun an elaborate story. Suddenly the group surrounding him burst out in a cacophony of laughter. A bright grin broke across Will’s face at the positive reaction. “He’s really enjoying himself tonight.”
“And… that’s bothering you?” Horace frowned in confusion.
“No of course not!” The words rushed out.
“But, it kind of is?” Horace pressed.
“I just wish I could be like him. Always so, on. Always so happy.” The words were tinged with green envy and their edges sharp.
“You don’t feel happy?” Horace asked softly.
Alyss leaned back against the wall behind her, needing its support. “Not as much as I’d like.” She whispered. “Not enough to keep up with him.”
“Have you talked to him about it?”
She scoffed, “What would I say Horace? “Hey Will, I need you to be a little more miserable to make myself feel better, thanks.” God, even saying it to you makes me feel like a monster. I should be happy that he's happy.” Tears splashed down onto her midnight blue gown, painting dark rivers down the fabric.
Horace wrapped his arms around her, consuming her in his warmth. “I don’t think you’re a monster Alyss. And I don’t think you want Will to be less happy, not really. It just sounds like you want him to be able to empathize with how you’re feeling.”
“I guess.” Alyss’ words come out muffled against Horace’s chest.
Horace pulled back and clasped Alyss’ face between his hands gently. “Talk to Will. Be honest with him about how you’re feeling. He just wants you to be happy, Alyss. And if there is something, anything, that he can do or change to make that happen, he’ll do it without complaint. I promise.”
Alyss shook her head and hunched her shoulders inward, “I don’t want him to change, to have to dull himself for me. All his life he’s struggled with feeling like he wasn’t enough. Now that he’s finally feeling comfortable with himself, how can I go and tell him he’s too much? That I don’t know how to cope now that I’m not the only one who sees his greatness?”
“Well, I wouldn’t put it like that. But Will knows you better than anyone else, Alyss. If I picked up on something upsetting you, he definitely has. And knowing Will, he’s probably already convinced it’s something he’s done and is stressing out about what it is and how he can fix it. You’d be putting him out of his misery.”
“He’s right, you know, you would be.” Alyss and Horace both jump at Will’s sudden appearance from the shadows. Both could have swore he was still on the other side of the great hall just a moment ago. He at least had the decency to look somewhat regretful for sneaking up on them.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I can’t turn it off sometimes.” He gestured to his feet, as if they were solely to blame for his habit of moving silently.
“How much did you hear?” Alyss asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
“Just the bit about me knowing something is bothering you and that it’s probably my fault.”
Horace frowned, “That’s not exactly what I said.”
Will rose an eyebrow, “But am I wrong?”
Horace decided that was the perfect time to leave Will and Alyss to finish the conversation on their own and told them as much. As he left he gave Alyss a reassuring squeeze to her shoulder that Will frowned at.
“Why is he acting like you need courage to talk to me?” Will asked gently.
Alyss bit her lip. “Because he knows I don’t want to tell you why I’ve been upset tonight.”
Will wrapped his calused hands over her soft ones. “You can tell me anything ‘Lyss. I hope you know that. You never need to be scared of how I’ll react to something you tell me. It’s my job to regulate my responses to information, not yours.”
“I know, it’s just,”
“Please, just talk to me, Alyss. I’m starting to get worried.” And he was. She could tell by the deep set wrinkle that had formed between his eyebrows. By the half frown that pulled his mouth down and the way his teeth caught the edge of his lower lip. By the way he tapped his fingers rhythmically across his knuckles. His tells. The ones she had caused. Just moments ago his eyebrows were raised in laughter. His mouth was wide in a toothy grin. His hands were relaxed and free. He had been happy. But within seconds she had strung his entire body with tension, like a bow poised to shoot.
This is what you wanted. A cruel voice in the back of her mind muttered. You wanted him to share your worry, your unease in this crowd. You got your wish.
She instantly felt like a monster. How could she want Will to feel anything but elation? And why did a miniscule part of her feel better now that he looked as downcast as she felt? How is it possible for her to feel both of those things?
“Alyss? Love? What’s wrong? What did I do?” Of course Will’s first instinct was to blame himself. To assume he had done something to disappoint her.
“Nothing dear. I’m just, having a day. You’ve been nothing but perfect.”
“Well, that’s certainly never been true. I have plenty of flaws. At least one of which is the source of what’s bothering you. I just wish you’d tell me what it is.”
“Will,”
“Alyss, please. Just be honest with me. I’d rather that than you trying to protect my feelings by hiding something from me.” He said quietly.
Alyss’ shoulders dropped and she sighed heavily. “You are just so,” she struggled to find the right word, but Will let her take all the time she needed. “Bright.” She landed on. Not certain it was the right one, but going with it. “You’re like the sun Will. Everyone is drawn to your light. Your warmth. You fill every room you step into and- and sometimes it can be exhausting to stand next to the sun. Sometimes I just want someone who can sit beside me in the quiet dark. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair to wish you were less than you are. Because who you are is magnificent. It can just sometimes feel like it magnifies everyone else’s shortcomings. Especially mine.”
Will, for the first time all day, was dead silent.
“Please say something.” She begged him.
He swallowed roughly. “I wasn’t expecting that.” He slowly pulled his hands away from hers and wrapped his arms tightly around himself.
“Will,” she started, but he cut her off.
“I don’t know how to be someone different from who I am Alyss. I like people. I like talking to them and making them laugh. But I’m not some kind of empty headed fool. I can have quiet, deep conversations too. And if you need more of that from me, or,” Will licked his lips nervously, “or if you just need less of me in general, then you can have that. You just need to tell me.”
Alyss felt tears begin to pool in her eyes. “I want all of you Will. Tonight was just a bad night. I wish I had never said anything to Horace!”
“I’m glad you did. This has clearly been bothering you. I just don’t know exactly how to fix it. Do you want me to be, duller? Smaller?” Will’s voice quivered with insecurity and Alyss had never hated herself more than she did in that moment.
“No, never. You are not the problem Will. The issue is my own insecurities, and that’s something I’ll need to learn to cope with. You should never, ever feel the need to be anything but your brightest self.” She pulled him to her and let him bury his face in her neck. She blinked back tears of her own when she felt moisture land on her shoulder.
“I love you just the way you are. Let’s go upstairs and leave this night behind us. Everything will be better in the morning.” She whispered in his ear, hoping she was right.