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Being an alien wrestler was weird, and probably not for the reasons you’re thinking. When Kris Statlander started training to be a wrestler, she told her trainer that she was an alien. It didn’t really afford her any extra powers, enhanced strength or stamina. She was, well not average in any way, but didn’t have any sort of advantage over anyone. When she told him he laughed, clapped her on the shoulder and told her it was a great gimmick and she should roll with it. And roll with it she did.
And then that was where the weirdness came in, not the fact that she was an alien who was still relatively new to the planet, but because in a world where dead men, demonic entities, worm eating weirdos, man-bulls and roosters wrestle and fight, people could not seem to get over the fact that she was an alien. When she wrestled on the indies, every new show brought a different commentator who was confused or amused by the fact that she was an alien. They would question her background, her sanity, make jokes, every comment about her alien-ness.
When she joined AEW she thought it would be different, that because she was a regular player they’d have the same questions and jokes at first, then they’d move on to bigger and better things to talk about with her! But the same thing happened, they could not get over the fact that she was an alien. Maybe that was because they believed it or because they thought she was committed to the bit, either way it befuddled them.
And don’t get her wrong she was leaning into it. The makeup, the booping, the occasional mind powers, it was fun and she was having fun. Why couldn’t everyone else have fun with it?
Then backstage, it was like everyone had to confirm with her. To be sure that she was sure she was an alien. She’d be at commissary putting food on her plate when someone would saddle up beside her and say the dreaded question.
“So…an alien huh?”
Like they were being casual about it, nonchalant and cool. Like everyone didn’t ask the same god damn thing! So she would respond with the same god damn thing.
“Yup,” pop a piece of food in her mouth and walk away.
Apparently everyone thinks she’s ‘meta-acting’. Whatever the hell that is.
Then she tore her ACL. Again. Well the other one. And she was gone for nearly a year. 9 months on the shelf, training and being ready to be better. She was better after her first injury and she would show that she would be better again. She was a constantly evolving, always changing being and she was going to prove it.
And all the time also made her think about the way she presented herself to the crowd. She liked being silly, she liked having fun and booping everyone. But it seemed as though she could never be Kris Statlander. Only Kris Statlander: The Alien. And she didn’t like that. Not because she didn’t want to be seen as an alien, but because she was more than an alien, more than a woman.
So when she came back she decided to let it go entirely, keeping some of the space themes but for the most part pretending like the alien ‘gimmick’ never happened. It hurt a bit, to be billed from where she crash landed instead of where she came from, but it led her to getting gold her first night back.
People would bring it up every so often, different question, same repetition.
“So…thought you were an alien?”
So she continued her bit as well. Different response, said in the same way as the last though.
“Nope,” and walk away.
-
After all these years, the friends that she made, the enemies she fought, the groups she was part of, there was only one person who never brought up the fact that she was an alien. Never shouted about it in a promo, never questioned her about it backstage, never teased about it in an innuendo (though that was sort of exclusive to Toni), and of course that was Willow.
Not when they met, not when they fought, and definitely not during the odd unease they were in. But now they had made up! They were friends again, and maybe even something more soon.
And now a hypocritical, unending nuisance of a voice in the back of her head wouldn’t stop wanting Willow to ask, to tease, to bring it up in some way.
Did Willow believe she was an alien? Did she believe that Stat believed she was an alien? Did she assume it was just a gimmick and never bring it up because why would she?
But Statlander could never bring it up. Absolutely not. What would she even do, pull up a chair, sit down and say, “So, I’m an alien. Thoughts?”.
Nuh uh no way, Willow needed to bring it up so Stat knew where the question was coming from. Was it coming from curiosity? Confusion? Genuine worry for Stat’s mental health? With that knowledge she would know what angle to come from, with explanations and assurances of sanity.
But stupid, courteous, kind, respectful Willow never brought it up. Not when Kris brought up her idea to pop up out of a spaceship for Full Gear, not when she started wearing more sci-fi clothing for backstage segments. No no Willow had to be polite and tell her that the entrance was awesome, and that she looked hot in the clothes but nothing more.
What is an alien to do?
- 1 -
Kris had almost forgotten how nice it was to travel with friends. Over the past year or so she’d gotten used to getting from show to show on her own after Stokely left. Occasionally Harley would travel with her, but more often than not Kris encouraged her feline friend to stick with Willow. They were tag team partners after all and should work together whenever possible.
Not that Stat was ever good at tag teams. She and Willow were a good mix, well until she fucked it all up.
But now her and Willow are good again! And the three of them can travel together as one big happy group. Though somehow even with Stat and Willow kinda dating kinda not, she ends up being the third-wheel to the Babes of Wrath.
It’s worth it though. Sitting in the back seat watching Willow and Harley make up songs on the go as Willow drums on the steering wheel. She wouldn’t trade it for the world.
-
“Statlander! Would you like some of my, patent pending, Harley Homemade Highway Hodgepodge? It’s like trail mix but betta! Now try it, tell me what you think, and I’ll put you down for an investment of, let’s start with 3K? We’ll fine tuna the details later, just give it a try!”
Harley was reaching over Willow in the seats of the airport gate to wave the unmarked ziploc bag in front of Stat’s face. The airport was fairly crowded that morning, so while waiting for their flight to board they were all stuffed into seats in the waiting area, with Willow sitting between Stat and Harley.
“I’m sorry, did you just say fine tuna?”
“Why does it matter which fish is in the details, it’s usually the devil anyways! Just try the damn hodgepodge so I can put you down for 5K!”
“Alright alright I’ll try the mix”
As Stat went to grab the bag Willow quickly looked up from her phone alarmed and took the bag before Kris could.
“What? No you won’t. You’re not trying the mix Kris, it has raisins in it”
“Ah so we have a coward in our midst! Statlander I saw you partaking of grapes only the other day! You are so gutless as to enjoy them in their fresh stage and not in their dehydrated state? For shame Statlander for shame”
“No Harls it’s an allergy, she’s allergic to dried fruit”
Harley moved her head back and forth looking at Kris and Willow at different intervals, not understanding what was being said.
“She’s allergic to the fruit of the dried variety?”
“Yes”
“Yet not the fruit itself?”
“Yes”
“It-it’s weird I know it’s weird,” Kris covered her face with a hand and slumped in her seat. It was something to do with the gasses used to dry the fruit, at least that was what Kris thought was the explanation. It wasn’t unheard of for humans to have a dried fruit allergy, but it made sense that maybe some of the Earth gasses didn’t sit well with her alien biology.
Willow reached out to put a hand on Stat’s shoulder, “No it’s not weird. Allergies happen, some humans are allergic to water. Some people are even allergic to the sun”.
“Likely story, I know that’s just Big Vampire covering their tracks,” muttered Harley.
Stat opened up her fingers to peak out at Willow, to look at her center, her primary. All the words she could use to describe the woman she orbited around, lost in the gravitational pull that was Willow Nightingale.
Willow was looking at Harley in the way she so often did, a big smile that showed a mix of confusion, astonishment, and pure delight.
Did she know why Stat had this odd allergy? Did she attribute it to her human nature or an alien one? Her phrasing was so hard to decipher sometimes, maybe she was saying it so Stat knew it was okay that she was an alien, or because she was just humoring Statlander, or the occam's razor of that Willow was just trying to comfort Stat and as usual she looked too deeply into it.
“Flight 5203 to Cardiff will begin boarding shortly”
“That’s us. Sorry I can’t try your snack Harls”
“That’s alright, I still have you down for 7K”
- 2 -
“I feel like it’s almost like a Tamagotchi ya know? Like you gotta clean it, take care of it, maybe even name it. Did you name it? I kinda wanna name mine but Boss says that-”
Kris leaned against the wall of a hallway backstage at a show listening to Billie Starkz talk about belts and the proper maintenance of them. She was trying to pay attention to what was being said but was stuck on one word. Tamagotchi.
What the fuck is that.
It sounded Japanese, maybe it was a ritual, or an animal she’d never heard of. Or it was something that Billie made up just to mess with her, either could be true.
Statlander learned early into her time on Earth that the more times you asked what certain words were and who people were referring to, or generally just giving confused looks when people were talking about things that you didn’t understand, the more people thought you were raised in a bunker. Or a cult. Either way that came with some confusing questions.
So Stat learned to just nod along and not question it, laugh when it looked like she should laugh, then discreetly google whatever the fresh hell they said. Stat googled a lot.
But sometimes google didn’t understand her. After her conversation with Billie she tried to google whatever the fuck a tamolatchy was.
Tamolatchy
Tagavatchy
Toboyashi
Tamapashi
Tampogami
“You mother fucker what the fuck is this fuckin-” Kris’s hand tightened around the phone, threatening to crack her phone case from frustration. Everything she tried to google either did not exist or just came up as World of Warcraft characters.
“I think the phone gets the point Kris,” Willow seemed to appear from the cosmos, scaring the shit out of Statlander as she gently pushed the phone away from Kris’s face.
“No, no it does not get the point because it won’t tell me what the fuck a Tomamachi is”
Willow’s face scrunched as she tilted her head in confusion, “Is that some kind of bug?”
“I don’t know that’s what I’m trying to find out! I was talking to Billie and she said something about how taking care of a belt was like taking care of a Tam-Toma-fuckin whatever. There’s like tasks and shit and I have no idea what she was talking about. Maybe she was just fucking with me,” Kris crossed her arms and grumbled.
“Tomo-Oh!”, Willow snapped her fingers and pointed at Kris, “Tamagotchi!”
“Yes! What the fuck is that!”
Willow pulled out her phone, quickly googled something and showed Kris a picture of a colorful keychain with a small screen that seemed to have a creature on it, “It’s a toy! It was suuuper popular in like the 90s and early 2000s. Basically you had a pet and you pushed buttons to help feed and take care of it! And if you left it alone it would die!”
“Oh my god, that’s a kids toy?”
“Yup”
“That feels like it would be traumatizing to a kid”
“Well yeah that’s like half the fun”
Kris rolled her eyes, unable though to contain the smile on her face.
“Sometimes I feel like people are speaking to me in a foreign language, just throwing out words and references I don’t understand”
Willow bumped their shoulders together, “You can always ask if there’s something you’re having trouble understanding. Either I’ll fill you in or we’ll figure it out together. Win-win!”
Yet again here was understanding, gentlemanly Willow, not teasing her for her lack of knowledge, not asking if she lived under a rock, just offering to explain no questions asked.
It made her heart ache.
- 3 -
Deep breaths, she could do this. Sure it was a secret that only one person in the world knew but she could do it.
It’s time.
“So I know this sounds…bizarre, and kind of like a prank. But I swear to you this is the entire truth,” Kris sat on a bench in an almost empty locker room, wringing her hands nervously.
She cleared her throat, eyes unfocused as she looked past the woman sitting across from her, “I um, I landed on this planet about 10 years ago. I landed in Long Island, but originally I came from the Andromeda Galaxy. I am an alien. Surprise,” she said meekly.
“Oh my god I knew it!” Harley’s face broke out into a smile, “You’ve been sly about it I will admit that. But you’re no match for Detective Harley Cameron! See it all started with the The Snowths-”
“Harley! Look normally I would love to hear how your brilliant brain cracked it, but I need to know if you get it, fully. This is not a gimmick or a character, I am from another planet”
“...Well yeah but that doesn’t change anything. Unless you’re going to probe me or,” Harley broke into a whisper and leaned closer to Statlander, “You’re planning on taking over the world. Honestly I’m not opposed, I have some ideas”.
“No, nothing like that. Biologically I’m nearly identical to humans, also probing is a human made concept. You guys are deeply weird. I know it’s a bit silly, after basically telling everyone I’m an alien. But I don’t think anyone actually believes I’m an alien. And you’re only the second person I’ve admitted this to”
“Oh so Willow knows! We can start a club then, Humans for Alien Takeover!"
The sound of the air escaping from between Kris’s teeth is the only noise permeating the eerie locker room until she says, “Willow doesn’t know”.
“WHAT! Who knows this fairly obvious yet surprisingly well kept secret then!”
“Orange. I told him a while after I joined the Best Friends. He helped me a lot in the early days learning about Earth stuff. Plus I don’t think he really cares and he wouldn’t tell anyone. I’m sure others suspect but you’re the only two I’ve fully told”
“You have to tell her Stat, you’re on rocky roads already and there’s no reason to be keeping this from her”
“I knoooow,’ Kris groaned and put her head in her hands, “It’s irrational and completely in my brain and there’s almost zero chance of Willow being upset or disgusted but I keep getting stuck at the almost. Because there is a chance, you can’t deny that Harls. And what we have right now is so good! I’m her friend again and she looks at me,” Kris felt all the air almost knock out of her lungs with the last sentence.
She looked up to see Harley watching with a serious face. Harley just about never had a serious face. Jesus it was scary.
“She spent months Harls, months just looking through me, past me, towards others and other things. Every time I entered her vicinity I watched her smile drop. I can’t do anything to jeopardize that again I won’t”
“I know Stat. But the longer you keep this to yourself, the higher that chance gets. I know it’s scary, but I believe Willow will do the right thing. She always does”
“Yeah. You’re right I’ll tell Willow-”
“Tell me what?”
Kris nearly jumped out of her skin seeing Willow peer from around the corner, “Holy shit! How long have you been here?”.
“I just walked in to hear that last part, sorry am I intruding?” Willow glanced back and forth at Kris and Harley tentatively.
“No of course not my wrathful babe! Statlander and I are just discussing y-”
“Your upcoming match! With Mercedes and the others. Since I beat her I noticed she’s been spiraling and bit so I thought Harley and I could brainstorm”
“Any reason I wasn’t invited to the team huddle?” Willow didn’t seem hurt, but she seemed cautious. Trying to feel out why she found her two closest allies alone in a locker room mentioning her by name.
“Honestly it was just pure chance,” Harley thankfully stepped in for Statlander, “Stat was getting ready to leave when I walked in, she asked if I had thought much about the psychology for the match, I said I hadn’t and it became an accidental tete a tete! You walked in as we were about to text you and let you know we were meeting. Do not worry my furious chick, I have made no attempt to steal your paramour! Though I doubt Statlander would be immune to my wiles”
Harley attempted to waggle her eyebrows, how did one waggle brows? And what an odd word waggle was, waggle waggle wraggle wragal-
“-aggle waggle waggle waggale”
“I don’t know what you’re doing hun but I don’t think it’s working. And I agree I don’t think anyone could resist you. Sorry if I came off suspicious I-”
“No I get it you came in to something that definitely looked suspicious,” Kris looked up at Willow and put a hand on her arm.
“I know, I trust you though”
Kris felt as though she was staring up at the sun. Warmth and light came from Willow and it was too difficult to look at as tears prickled the corners of her eyes.
Willow trusted her.
And Kris was breaking that trust.
- +1 -
It was cheesy, it was the cheesiest of the cheese, cheesier than a whole pot of fondue. But Kris had a sneaking suspicion that Willow liked a bit of cheese.
So for their first date, Statlander took Willow on a night time picnic so they could stargaze.
Cheesy.
But, it was for a reason. Tonight was the night Statlander told Willow that she was in fact a real life, not a gimmick, for real alien. And stargazing was the perfect excuse to bring up the fun tidbit that Kris was totally not avoiding telling her.
She had a plan.
Phase one: Wine and dine Willow and romance her so hard that the other wrestler has no choice but to fall deeply and madly in love with Kris! Or if she decides they’re better off as friends it’s fine because they’re still friends!
Phase two: Seduce Willow with her totally sexy and not at all nerdy facts about space. Who wouldn’t fall in love with someone talking about how space smells like gunpowder, ozone and burnt steak?
Phase three: Use that conversation into a segue about the improbability of humans being the only beings in the universe and the high likelihood of alien life.
Phase four: Tell her.
Phase five: She can’t think about that yet.
A perfect ten out of ten plan with zero notes and no way of going wrong! Stat was sure of it. Well no she wasn’t, not at all. But it was either blind confidence or crushing anxiety. She’ll take blind confidence any day.
-
By the time Stat had gotten to phase three, she’d almost forgotten about the plan altogether. Willow was smiling, and laughing, and as far as Stat could tell she was having a good time. Statlander felt so much pure adoration bloom in her chest that it was hard to remember anything else happening.
Kris Statlander was deeply, undeniably, and stupidly in love with Willow Nightingale.
She was in 2023, when Mercedes Martinez had hit her in the back of the head with her own belt, laying her out on the mat when she’d tried to help Kiera Hogan. As Martinez was about to hit her again, Kris saw an angel. And suddenly Willow was there, peering down at her and helping her up with a smile.
How could Kris do anything but fall in love then and there?
Honestly though, Stat was probably at least a little in love with Willow all the way back in 2017, when they wrestled for the NYWC Starlet Title. Willow had picked her up in a fireman’s carry and slammed her.
1
2
3
Willow retained.
Kris fell a little in love.
Here they were in the present day, and Kris was more infatuated with Willow than ever.
They were both laying down on a blanket, holding hands and gazing up at the sky. Earlier Kris had pointed out a few constellations, Neptune was fairly visible so she pointed that out as well. They had lapsed into an easy silence, and she knew it was time. Phase three was ago.
“Do you think we’re alone in the universe? Like with all the infinity of space that we’re the only planet with life on it?”
Stat turned her head to look at Willow, only to see the other looking deeply confused.
“Babe…you’re literally proof that we’re not”
Kris scrambled to sit up straight, looking panicked, “You know?”.
Willow, looking concerned, followed suit and sat up, “Know what?”.
“That I’m an alien!”
“Waaas I not supposed to?”
“No of course I want you to know, I set up this whole plan to tell you,” Kris gestured wildly at the picnic set-up, “Wait how do you know?”.
Willow bit the inside of her cheek to contain a giggle, “I mean, it’s not super hard to figure out. You laid it on pretty thick in the indies, and with your first run, and technically second run at AEW. But after you tore your second ACL I noticed a total vibe shift. That’s when we really connected so I thought you probably didn’t want anyone to bring it up”.
“But what made you realize it wasn’t a gimmick?”
“Well, I always suspected. But then one day I asked you if you’d filed your taxes for that year and you panicked for like a week because you don’t have a social security number and technically don’t exist. That’s how I knew”
Kris exhaled till she felt all the air leave her lungs, felt the pressure until she inhaled and threw herself back onto the blanket, looking up at her origins of the stars.
“I’m an idiot”
Willow shook her head, laying back down next to Kris.
“No you’re not. You’re just kind of oblivious. Which I knew going into this. So because I haven’t said it before I’ll say it now, you being an alien changes nothing. It didn’t change anything to begin with. If there’s more you want to talk about, I’d love to know more. But you’re an alien, you’re also a nerd-”
Kris let out an indignant, “Hey!” at the rib.
“And you’re proud, protective, and something beyond the universe that I can’t describe. You are a cosmos of a woman, and you being an alien is just a star in the being of you. It’s part of it but there’s also so much more to the space”
Kris reached out blindly to take Willow’s hand, “I can’t believe I told you that I don’t exist and that’s why I can’t pay my taxes. Then forgot I told you. Then spent the past few weeks trying to poorly hint at the fact that I’m an alien”.
“Is that what you were doing? I knew you were acting weird. I thought it was something to do with Harley and her being suspicious of you being an alien, or you trying to figure out how to tell her”
“Well, remember when you walked into the lockers? I told Harls I was an alien and we were trying to figure out how to tell you”
Willow squeezed Kris’s hand, “You scared the shit out of me that day”.
“I know. And I’ll keep messing up, I’ll keep saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or overthink something and accidentally keep secrets from you, or for some reason do something super suspicious because apparently I’m great at that. But I’ll never stop trying to be good for you, and I’ll never stop fighting,” Kris moved to nestle against Willow’s shoulder.
“I’ll explain every toy, movie, or reference I have to. I’ll keep you from eating dried fruit no matter how many times I remind you to check before you eat. I want to hear every star fact you know. I want to be there after every match so I can make sure you’re okay. Whatever comes next, the championships, the wins, the losses, the betrayals, we’ll take it. Together”
“Together”