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dopamine is an addiction that you can’t just quit— maybe that’s why heeseung keeps torturing himself, forcibly downing shots of vodka, its bitter, rancid taste coating his throat, coughing out intelligible cries that sound strangely like “sunoo-yah.”
it’s pure torture, really.
yet he’s still addicted to that sweet, warm, and lingering feeling that builds up right after, a relapse into past memories where he could bask in sunoo’s warmth with no reluctance, delving into the ocean they had once shared together.
but even in its most torturous shots, even with his throat threatening to close up at the dry sensation, he’s still addicted to the small rush of dopamine that rushes subsequently through his veins. the masochist within himself now purposely deprives him of sunoo’s presence, averting every glance to a distant oblivion.
it’s like a knife to his heart, each jab twisting further into the cavity within his chest.
heeseung keeps his distance, knows of the pain it causes him, knows of the wall he put up between himself and the latter. this distance they have now is painful and cold, but he must endure.
“it’s only right for it to be this way,” heeseung acquiesced.
this wall, this facade, keeps him in check– a ghostly presence blocking him from overstepping the invisible line. he would much rather torture himself, only allowing for himself to admire sunoo from a distance than to break down these carefully built walls of his, risking the entirety of his world to fall apart.
yet in those rare moments of sunoo’s emanating warmth, heeseung’s cold world feels a little warmer, a familiar rush of sweet dopamine rising deep within himself.
✦
it hadn’t always been this way, of course.
their early days were met with soft and shy glances across the dance practice room, drawn out panting from their non-stop practicing, muffled by sweet laughs and giggles as perspiration beaded their foreheads.
despite the never-ending monitoring of their activities, they found room for each other.
solace, that is.
their relationship never went beyond much, residing just in the comfort they found in the latter’s hearts.
the pats of reassurance, the lowly whispering of compliments, the subtle fixing of each other’s hair— that was the premise of their relationship. just friends, friends who cared for each other.
yet in those affectionate moments that shouldn’t have meant more than it did,
heeseung found himself wanting more.
✦
the mellowness of their relationship turned into something sweeter for heeseung.
he found himself noticing miniscule details: the way sunoo’s eyelashes reflected delicate shadows on the apples of his rosy cheeks; the way sunoo's eyes shone as if they had encapsulated the entirety of the universe within them; the way sunoo's delicate, soft hands handled his calloused ones with so much care.
his world was suddenly all sunoo, for sunoo, and only sunoo.
at their first fan meeting, there was a segment where the two held hands, facing each other whilst answering questions and giving compliments. they stood there, and for a moment, it felt like the world went mute— a momentary pause in the matrix of time.
as the older took in the gaze of the latter, his breath hitched.
with the blaring lights of the stage illuminating the younger as if he was the sun, heeseung, in that moment, believed that he was the moon.
without the sun there would be no moonlight, and in that moment to heeseung, he thought deeply. without sunoo’s radiance, his world was barren. yet, today as he bathed fully sunoo’s radiance, he too, was illuminated.
it was cliche, really, but it was real.
the moment was supposed to be fairly mutual, just a moment shared as friends, teammates, a sweet gesture shown to their fans.
yet, as heeseung held onto sunoo’s delicate hands and looked into his eyes, he found something.
a puzzle piece, and even though it seemed like heeseung’s life felt complete— the hardships he endured as a trainee paying its debts off, becoming a member of a team he now cherishes, and above all, his debut— this puzzle piece, glowing in sunoo’s eyes, was missing from his board.
complete, but incomplete.
as sunoo's eyes pulled away from him, heeseung felt empty. this was the piece of him missing from his seemingly complete jigsaw puzzle, and even though the last piece was right there, heeseung couldn’t let himself take it right then and there. restraint is what holds him back, a question lingering as he asks himself:
is it really okay to cross the line?