Work Text:
Nagising si Kim as how he usually did –
[bzzt… bzzt… bzzt…]
[call connecting…]
“Mahal,” Pancho’s gruff morning voice greeted him first thing in the morning. “Gising na?”
Kim only grunted into the phone, still refusing to open his eyes dahil sa antok. Laging nagigising si Kim on Pancho’s call – almost always, exactly, 5:10 in the morning. 10 minutes since Pancho wakes up at 5 AM on the dot.
“Tumayo ka na diyan,” paalala ni Pancho, alam na alam kung paano si Kim in the mornings. There were sounds of a cabinet opening and creaks of doors on the other side of the call; Pancho’s much better in this ‘morning routine things’ than Kim – kaya sinama na rin niya sa ‘to-do list’ niya yung paggising kay Kim.
(The first time he did it – it was the day immediately after kinwento ni Kim na he’s one tardiness away from a minor offense. Grade 7 palang si Kim sa JHS, at ‘di pa nakakalipat si Pancho since Grade 6 palang siya.
Kahahatid palang sa kanya ng school bus, later than usual kasi club time. Nakahintay na agad si Pancho sa labas ng gate nila, agad-agad na tumayo once nakita niya si Kim through the small bus window.
“Kung gusto mo,” naka-nguso si Pancho habang nag-iisip. “Pwede kitang tawagan? Maaga rin naman ako ginigising ni mama.”
Napa-blink lang si Kim – parang nagtataka, ‘Huh? He’s willing to do that?’ Ang hirap kaya magising sa umaga. Tapos Pancho would take it upon himself to wake him up?
“Kaya yan,” Pancho answered him, as if reading his thoughts. “Saan ko pa gagamitin yung bagong phone na nakuha nung birthday ko?”
“Are you…” Hindi talaga maisip ni Kim how can this be beneficial for Pancho. “Why?”
“Wala lang,” he shrugged. “Kung nahihirapan ka, edi tutulungan kita. Simple.”
Maybe, in hindsight as he looked back at this specific memory, that could’ve been one of the warning signs that said na shet, I’m falling in love with my best friend. The simple act of wanting to help without question – that’s something that Pancho is good at doing. So natural at doing so na minsan naw-whiplash siya.
“Okay,” he whispered, not entirely sure what he’s agreeing to. “Pero if you forget, okay lang rin. Wag mo nang isipin.”
Pancho did it on 5:00:48 AM – not exact timing, but it felt like it is. The moment na nagising si Pancho, the first thing he did was to call Kim. It took him two rings before he woke up. Pancho did this for the rest of the week and got Kim’s mom shocked with how early he goes to shower.
Eh, success. Almost six years later, it became part of their own routine.)
“I’m up,” Kim reluctantly said as he stretched. “Go get ready na po. Will go shower na.”
“Got it,” he easily replied, laying his uniform down on his bed (as he heard sa background). “I love you. Good morning.”
Pancho and his little rule of putting those three words first before anything. “Okay po, love you. Good morning,” he still repeated, still feeling the same kilig.
In Kim and Pancho’s usual mornings, it always starts off with this: slow mornings and quiet actions of love.
The Valle household operates like this –
Kim gets woken up by Pancho by 5:10 AM. After a few minutes (average 2-5 minutes), gigising na yan and goes to shower. He’s the earliest out of the four – mostly because Pancho and him need to consider the travel time. His mom wakes up around 5:30 para asikasuhin yung baon ni Denden (his younger brother) before starting her own routine. She wakes Den up by 5:50 to 6, and si dad naman right after.
Dad brings Den and mom with him, while Kim goes to commute naman with Pancho. Pa-Makati silang tatlo kaya out of the way yung UST, and his dad told him nung Grade 9 na medyo mahal na yung bayad for his bus service. Sabi nila, ‘Nagco-commute lang si Pancho diba? Gusto mo bang sumabay nalang sa kanya?’
(Kim suggested to commute nung Grade 7 siya, which both parents vehemently refused. Masyado raw bata si Kim at nakakatakot ang Maynila. But, in all things, they trust Pancho more especially when it comes to protecting Kim from danger. Never mind nalang talaga na mas bata si Pancho sa kanya by a year.)
Medyo naging complicated lang nung naging Grade 11 na si Kim while Pancho’s still in Grade 10. Nag-iba na schedules nila at may times na naghihintayan silang dalawa. In this year, they explored around the school a lot, trying to study in different places habang hinihintay mag-end yung isa. Usually, si Pancho yung naghihintay because of Kim’s horrendous SHS sched. (But that’s okay. Sabi ni Pancho sa kanya repeatedly, ‘Kahit gaano naman katagal, hihintayin at hihintayin pa rin kita.’)
As a freshly turned 18-year-old, kaya na ni Kim mag-isa sa umaga. Shower, bihis, kain ng breakfast (by that time gising na si mom, so there’s food na on the table), then tatawagin na siya ni Pancho –
“Kim!”
He can hear the gate opening and just sat waiting for Pancho to walk in. He followed the sounds – pagsara ng gate, tunog ng sapatos, pagbukas ng screen, mga bati ng parents niya, at ang nakakairitang comments ni Denden.
“Kuya,” asar ni Denden, nakabulong. “Knight in shining armor mo andito na.”
Madalas, masyadong bangag si Denden para mang-asar. Minsan, maraming comments ‘to si Denden tungkol sa kanila ni Pancho.
Sa pamilya nila both – in Kim’s family of four pati in Pancho’s family of five – si Denden palang yung (alam nilang) nakaka-alam about their… thing. It’s part of Denden’s hyperdependence on his kuya, kahit tinatry na niyang di ipahalata ‘to kasi ‘malaki na raw siya’. He had a front row seat to Kim and Pancho’s friendship na para bang nage-exist na bago pa magka-malay si Denden sa mundo. Pag gusto niyang kalaro si kuya, kalaro rin niya si Pancho. Pag gusto niyang hiramin yung phone ni kuya, mamaya raw kasi kausap pa niya si Pancho. Pag gusto niyang maglaro ng patintero sa labas kasama si kuya, hindi raw pwede kasi may sakit si Pancho. (Specific yung last kasi hanggang ngayon bini-bring up pa rin ‘to ni Denden pag nagtatampo siya. Core memory, canon event – ganun.)
Iba naman kasi si Denden compared to Pancho’s kuyas – masyadong malaki yung age gap nila kay Pancho. Pinanganak na si bunso, 2nd year high school na yung panganay habang Grade 6 na yung pangalawa. They were Pancho’s guiding force, pero they weren’t there to witness their bunso falling in love helplessly for his best friend.
(Hindi rin alam ng pamilya nila na ‘di sila straight. Kim realized he was gay nung Grade 2, when he realized na habang crush ng mga kaklase niya si Sakura, crush naman niya si Naruto. Si Pancho naman – he realized he was bisexual after Kim kissed him when they were 16/17. Ramdam naman na niya yung pagmamahal kay Kim, pero ang turo kasi sa kanya ng lahat ay ang lalaki ay para sa babae lamang.
Pero – ikinamumuhian ba siya ng Panginoon dahil minahal lang niya si Kim nang tapat? Dahil gusto niya ‘tong makasama habang buhay? Kung ang mga turo ng bibiliya ay naka-sentro sa pagmamahal ng kapwa, bakit ipagbabawal ng Diyos ang pagmamahal niya para kay Kim?
This is still a dilemma that Kim knew Pancho was going through. This is still a thing their relationship is going through.)
Nilapat ni Pancho kamay niya sa ulo ni Kim. Looking up, parang bumilis tibok puso niya nang makita niya yung ngiti ng mahal niya. Walang kupas – kahit anong gawin ni Pancho, kinikilig pa rin talaga si Kim. (Di rin nakakatulong na mas gumagwapo si Pancho recently. Is it because of puberty? Di naman nagwo-work out si Pancho aside from PE, pero bakit ang laki ng katawan niya?)
“Ready na?” tanong ni Pancho sa kanya. Mouth still full, mabagal na umiling si Kim. Sinignal nalang niya na konti nalang natitira – isang subo nalang!
Pancho took the time to quickly catch up with his mom and Den. Simpleng tanong lang about mom’s new favorite sa team niya, and even Den’s progress with his history project na he asked Pancho for help. Kim sipped his Milo patiently, eyes darting to and fro pero lingering much longer pag nasa boyfriend niya, of course.
Gulping it all down, bringing his dirty dishes to the sink and cleaning them quick – dun lang siya naging ready to go. Grabbing his bag and adjusting his polo around the straps, he walked over to Pancho to tug his polo to alert him.
At this age, they don’t need words anymore. Pancho looks at him and subtly wraps an arm around his waist to turn him around towards the screen door. “Alis na po kami,” bati ni Pancho, even another one nung nakita niya si dad bumaba ng stairs. Kim doesn’t bother – too nonchalant because it’s his own family we’re talking about – and just walks straight out. “Bye rin raw po sabi ni Kim,” Pancho just says for him. Mom and dad laughed at this – they know their son too well.
Paglabas nila ng bahay, they were welcomed by the soft sounds of early morning Manila. Wala pa yung matirik na araw, pati yung mga maiingay na busina ng kotse sa traffic. Asa kanto lang nila yung main road, usually a Grab driver’s hell pagdating ng rush hour. Right now, it’s peaceful enough for Kim to romanticize it all – mas lalo na when he has his own TDH who smiles real cheesy when Kim tries to link his pinky with his. Pancho squeezed his pinky like a code. (As a closeted couple, they have to rely a lot on codes. Buti pa they were childhood best friends before this – secret codes were their norm.)
Kim learned na kahit they don’t have the freedom to just say those three words out loud, Pancho does enough in his actions to show it either way. Considering he literally risked their friendship for a chance of this, Kim is okay with reading Pancho’s actions like a secret code they both share. The little pinky squeeze was him saying ‘I love you’ and another ‘good morning’. They had to let it go before embarking on their journey – a long commute into the depths of Manila just to reach España.
Doing this since 9th grade, the motions come as second nature. A quiet walk to the main road, isang jeep pa-Quirino, tapos isa pang jeep pa-UST sa may Noval side. Si Pancho na bahala sa lahat – pagtawag ng jeep, pagbayad, pati na rin sa pag-para. Tinry nila once na mag-para si Kim, pero sa may pinto pa talaga sila umupo noon – ‘di narinig ni kuya at muntik na silang lumagpas kung di nagsalita si Pancho. Sa mga rare na panahon na mag-isa si Kim umuwi, tumatabi talaga siya sa may driver para marinig siya.
In this mundane routine, kita niya pa rin yung little actions of love ni Pancho. He’s doing all this not because he was forced to, pero dahil gusto lang niya. Alam rin niya na hindi talaga pala-salita si Kim dahil sa hina ng boses niya, kaya siya na bahala sa commute. The gentleman that he is – he makes it a point to let Kim walk at the inner side of the sidewalk, pati na rin pinapauna niyang pumasok ng jeep, lending a hand on his backpack for support. Si Pancho na rin yung bahala sa pamasahe nila, inaabonohan nalang ni Kim with food or coffee.
Nasasampal siya ng buhok ni ate na katabi niya. Little pet peeve niya actually ‘to na di niya vineverbalize kasi baka insensitive for women. Pero kasi naman, ang kati sa mukha masampal ng buhok sa jeep. Ang lala pa pag bagong ligo – mas mabigat yung sampal tas nababasa pa pisngi ni Kim.
Sumuko na tuloy si Kim sa pagtingin sa labas – ineenjoy pa naman niya yung simoy ng hangin. Umusog siya palayo at tumalikod nalang para umupo nang nakatingin kay Pancho. Medyo pa-simple actually ni Pancho na ilagay yung kamay niya sa may bintana – medyo malayo yung hawak na parang hindi sinasadyang nakapulupot kay Kim.
Kitang-kita yung inis sa mukha ni Kim, alam na agad ni Pancho anong problema. Tinawanan lang siya nito at inusog pa siyang mas palapit sa boyfriend niya. (Mukhang may silbi naman yung mahabang buhok ni ate na hindi niya matali-tali.) Sumandal nalang si Kim kay Pancho lalo – anong magagawa niya? Ang payat-payat kaya ni Kim tas ang bilis humarurot ng jeep. Mga ganyang bagay, hindi niya yan macocontrol, ‘no?
Inadjust nalang ni Pancho yung bag niya para mas maka-sandal pa si Kim. For a couple like them, they take the small wins when they come.
Pancho has always wanted to be an engineer like his papa. To follow faithfully, he took up STEM in SHS tas sa college he’d apply for electrical engineering. Panganay na kuya niya is a graduate naman in business, habang the second one is I.T. Kim naman has no solid plans pa on what he wants to take – nag-STEM nalang siya kasi sabi nung teachers niya foolproof naman if yung strand na yun kinuha niya. (Also, he knows na Pancho’s gunning for STEM. Edi easy?)
Although kaya namang magbigay ng notes or materials ni Kim kay Pancho, his boyfriend refuses to kasi napaka-OA lang talaga niya when it comes to academics. He always studies like he has something to prove – something he wants to achieve.
“Pangarap ko…” Pancho mulled as they laid down beside each other in Kim’s bed – one of the rare times they risked a sleepover now that they’re dating. “…pauwiin si papa. Nagt-trabaho na rin naman sina kuya – mataas kaya sweldo ni Kuya Francis kasi kaka-promote palang. ‘Di ko alam bakit gusto pa rin ni papa mag-stay sa Abu Dhabi. Baka dahil hinihintay nilang makatapos ako? Kung ganun edi pagbubutihin ko talaga para makauwi na si papa.”
OFW yung papa ni Pancho – long since a few years bago pa siya pinanganak. In the few moments na nakakauwi siya sa Manila, Pancho always welcomes him with bright starry eyes. Dun lang niya actually hindi masyadong nakikita best friend niya – pag nakauwi si tito.
Kinwento niya once na ang number one hero niya ay ang papa niya. Kaya naging matulungin si Pancho eh – naging little helper na siya ng tatay niya since he could walk. Tulong sa pag-aabot ng materyales, kasama sa biglaang bisita sa mall kasi may kailangan si mama, tulong na rin sa paglilinis sa bahay para hindi masyadong mapagod si mama.
In the core of his papa’s actions is a complete devotion towards his wife and children. Pagmamahal. Lahat ng sakripisyo niya at hirap ng buhay bilang OFW, it all is because of the sole purpose of giving his family a better life. This is where Pancho takes inspiration from in his life’s purpose. A life centred on love is a life of kindness, understanding, patience, compromise, and devotion. He’s seen how his papa was as a husband and a dad – Pancho wants to be like him in these aspects the most.
(Franco Ezekiel K. Pangilinan. May ‘Jr.’ sana yan kung hindi nilagyan ng middle name. That doesn’t matter naman – he’d be his papa’s Jr. in practice.)
Kim on the other hand… He has a complicated relationship with his parents. On the surface, it all looks good naman. He’s given everything that he wanted, he’s sent to the best schools, and he lives in a comfortable home. By right, parang wala namang ikaco-complain si Kim eh. That’s what he’s been saying to his mind in recent years.
Pero, I guess it’s just part of the eldest child experience. The moment pinanganak si Denden as their ‘surprise blessing’, parang all attention just shifted towards him – both from his parents and to their relatives na rin.
How can they not? Denden has been a cute kid since he was born – mapisngi, malaki mata, tas ngayon ang tangkad-tangkad, yung tipong nalagpasan na niya si Kim at age 14. Super bibo rin ni Denden while Kim was more mahiyain – they can never convince him to dance otso-otso sa Pasko even for 1000 pesos. Denden naman, one ask lang, he’d immediately do it on the spot. He became their favorite dancing baby tuloy, while Kim was just reprimanded for being ‘maarte’ and ‘KJ’.
He doesn’t want to hate his younger brother when Denden did nothing but to stick by his side at all times. Parang kahit anong gawin ni Kim, gusto ring gawin ni Denden. Nahilig lang naman si Den sa anime dahil that’s all Kim wanted to watch on TV eh. He learned how to imitate Naruto’s Tagalog dub voice kasi tawang-tawa si Kim dun. Now, it became his party trick whenever may Christmas party sa school.
Kim could never hate Denden. They were twins in name. (Joakim Aiden T. Valle. Denden’s naman – Joaquin Kayden T. Valle. Naging Denden siya because of Kim.) He just hates the situation he’s in because of… him.
Kaya when his dad told him na mag-commute nalang while Den gets hatid-sundo, he just nodded. Expected na rin naman. He has long learned na it’s easier for him to try and live independently than constantly expect his parents to dote on him like they do with Denden. Less disappointment, much easier na rin once he gets to move out. It gives him opportunities to spend more time rin with Pancho – that’s the biggest upside of it all.
So, yeah – he never had the same hero worship for his parents as Pancho did, and while it used to both baffle and bother him as a child, he’s now fine with it. His parents are both in business – mom in marketing while dad in accounting – but he doesn’t have any interest in following their footsteps. He saw their resigned faces when he said na he applied for STEM and not ABM. He’s pretty sure Den might want to do ABM naman.
Kim’s priority is just to finish SHS and get into for UP – according to plan. The plan is his only beacon of light at this point. He already applied for UPCAT early this year, and it’s been a few weeks na since the exam itself. If all goes to plan, he’d get in.
UST Freedom Wall
September 18, 2025
#USTFreedomWall9564
pancho from 11 stem, may girlfriend ka na ba???? asking for a friend lang (ako yung friend)
Submitted: 2025-08-25 16:42:04
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JR Peñaflor
Gago Pancho Panglininan online online rin kasi pag may time!!!
Princess Mae Policarpio
seatmate niya here – single yan!!! go for it teh :P
Naomi Del Rosario
nako girl sa walang socmed presence ka pa talaga nafall huhu nyeta pancho pang-ilan na ‘to!!!
Princess Mae Policarpio
Pancho ang hirap mo retohan!!!
Echo Vargas
lollll paalam muna kay best friend Kim Valle
Echo: kims
Echo: kita mo yung post sa freedom wall????
Echo: nako bahala ka
Echo: pinagppyestahan na jowa mo
Echo: bakod naman pag may timeeeeee
Denden: [sent a link]
Denden: KUYA COMMENT KA PLEASE
Denden: di ka nagcomment dun sa mga nauna eh sabi mo magcocomment ka na pag minention uli si kuya panch sa freedom wall
Denden: DALI NA
Kuya PJ: naks si pancho may feature nanaman sa fw ng ust
Kuya PJ: AHAHHAHAHA
Kuya Francis: Kung alam ko lang na heartthrob pala ‘tong kapatid ko hahaha
Kuya Francis: Tama na kas-study first! Hahaha
Kuya PJ: gusto ko malaman kung anong klaseng babae type neto
AAA - Papa: Nako po hahaha ayan na nga ang nag-mana ng kagwapuhan ko
AAA - Papa: Pancho nagjojoke lng nanay mo na mag-gf ka nang 30 yrs old ah hahaha
AAA - Mama Smart: Bata palang yan nako po
AAA - Mama Smart: Pero uso rin naman yung may kinekwento kang babae ganun… Hehe..
AAA - Papa: Tinanong na nga ko ng Tito Mike mo kung bakla ka ba ksi wla ka p gf.. Di tulad ng mga kuya mo hahaha
Kuya PJ: aasawahin muna yata ni pancho pag-aaral niya bago kahit sino!!
Pagdating sa Frassati, Kim and Pancho went on their separate ways – unaware of the commotion online. It was still a peaceful morning for the two of them – arriving to campus by 6:30 kasi they were both cursed with 7 AM classes. Students flittering around, some carrying cups of coffee na Kim knew were calling out to Pancho. Napaisip siya tuloy – should he daan muna somewhere to get him coffee? He knew na nagpuyat si Pancho kagabi dahil sa PETA eh.
Reaching his classroom, kita na niya agad si Echo na nakahiga sa table habang nagpphone. He took his usual spot beside him and stretched. Tangina, ang tagal pa until the start of the day. Mas matagal pa until the end.
Habang iniisip na ni Kim kung ano kakainin niya for after school, searching through his phone sa Tiktok in case may bagong ‘hidden gem’ around UST, Echo finally stirred awake and realized na Kim was there. He expected him to slink over him ulit like how he usually did, pero Kim only stared wide-eyed as Echo jolted up.
“Nakita mo?” tanong agad ni Echo with absolutely no context.
“Kita ano?” mahinang tanong ni Kim, super perplexed about everything.
“Yung sinend ko sayo!” diin ni Echo, pointing at Kim’s open phone.
“I’m on DND,” he said, deadpan. “About what ba?”
“Na-feature nanaman sa freedom wall si Pancho,” sumbong niya. “Ilan na yan since nagsimula yung year? Pangatlo?”
Ramdam agad ni Kim yung inis, pero he can’t be defeated by all these online strangers who can’t even confess kay Pancho irl. The fact of it all is siya yung boyfriend (and mahal!) ni Pancho, and no girl from this yellow school can steal his man away. Ilang years na investment kaya ‘to ni Kim, and he did a huge risk to secure him.
“Jokes on them,” mataray na sagot ni Kim. “Di naman active sa FB si Pancho. At most, Messenger lang for acads. Tiktok para i-secure yung 512-day streak namin.”
“Okay,” asar ni Echo sa kanya, rolling his eyes while he’s at it. “Wag mo nang pahalata na possessive ka beh.”
“Di naman possessive…” he pouted. “Ano lang…”
“Affected?” Echo interjected. “OA? Mayabang?”
“Alam mo ikaw,” binatukan niya ‘to nang malakas. “Saang kampo ka ba talaga, ha? Ikaw OA ka na rin magsalita ah.”
“Cute mo talaga Kim,” tawa ni Echo. “Lumalabas yung Tagalog mo pag galit.”
“Bahala ka sa buhay mo,” bulong ni Kim under his breath.
It was way worse nung first time nilang makakita ng post about Pancho in the freedom wall. For his first year naman kasi in UST SHS, Kim was pretty much under the radar. Wala masyado siyang sinalihan na org, pwera lang dun sa org ni Echo na napasali siya kasi Echo begged him to. (At most, for the number lang naman siya dun.) So, he didn’t expect na Pancho would suddenly shoot up in fame.
Pancho, compared to Kim, has always been more well-liked. Baka dahil sa natural extrovertedness niya and the fact na he’s just generally really likeable. In JHS, he managed to juggle the student council and his academics – landing Top 2 sa batch. Because of this, nagka-opportunity siya to gun for the Santo Tomas scholarship, which he of course tried to apply for to help his parents with the finances. He got in and is now working twice as hard to land Top 1 naman for better scholarship opportunities for college, and most importantly, pass UPCAT to get into UPD with Kim (aka, the plan).
So, yes – his boyfriend is amazing. Such a one-of-a-kind student na his teachers almost cried nung JHS moving up ceremony kasi they’re losing him. He knows what kind of an anomaly Pancho is and the insane potential he held for such a bright future – he’s so proud of the opportunity he has to stand by him through that.
Medyo Kim forgot lang na as he found all of this attractive, of course the general population would too. The first post went like this:
UST Freedom Wall
August 12, 2025
#USTFreedomWall9399
Pancho Pangilinan, your future girlfriend would be so lucky to have you.
Naging kaklase ko si Pancho in Grade 9, seating two rows behind him. Nakikita ko na siya around campus nung Grade 7 eh, pero grabe he glowed up so well nun!!! Parang mas naging sharp yung jawline niya na ang sarap niyang tawagin for nothing para lang makita siyang tumingin sa likod.
Pero aside from his kagwapuhan, he’s so attentive and easy to talk to. Kaya friend siya nang lahat eh!! There’s no awkward moments pag kasama mo siya. He’s a natural born leader rin but di rin siya pushover mas lalo na sa mga pabigat sa group project. Smart, a good communicator, athletic (KUNG NAKITA NIYO SIYA SA PE GUYS.) – parang nasa kanya na lahat ng traits na hinahanap-hanap nating lahat in a boyfriend!!
Di ako nakapag-confess before we moved up pero may pic kami nung ceremony kasi di ako sure kung sa UST pa rin ba ko mags-SHS. Pero well, here we are.
I heard na asa STEM si Pancho pero di ko pa siya nakikita these past few days… If you see this, baka naman wala ka pang girlfriend? If not, pwede bang mag-apply, cap? :)
Submitted: 2025-08-06 10:31:48
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Princess Mae Policarpio
Pancho Pangilinan omg… seatmate ikaw ba ‘to?!?!??
Nathan Almario
BIG TIME PALA ‘TO. KALA KO JOKE TIME LANG
Naomi Del Rosario
kinikilig ako!!!!!!
Martin Bautista
Gago kaklase kita nung Grade 9 kung kaklase mo si Pancho… sino ka
Kayla De Chavez
huhu op sana po u can bag ur ideal man! ship ko na po kayo malala
PJ Pangilinan
KAPATID KO TO Pancho Pangilinan
PJ Pangilinan
gago inunahan pa ko magka-freedom wall confession ni bunso
Valerie Pangilinan
HAHAHAHA KUYA DESERVE
Francis P
Pancho Pangilinan psst
Beatriz Salud
HELLO PO MAY UPDATES PO BA? OP CONFESS KA NA PLEASE
Cassandra Marie
LOUDER PLEASE!! tropa ko si op and she’s too chicken to do anything!!!
Cedric Santos
Lol advice from a guy stranger po pero if you confess po there’s a high chance he’d accept it hahaha girls who make the first move are super attractive! Good luck!
The post garnered more than 2k interactions. Even got cross-posted pa sa Twitter where it blew up like crazy. It became inspiration for those K-Pop social media AUs, which Echo kept on sending, one by one.
Kim hated every single bit about it. Although he’s proud na his boyfriend is basically the epitome of a woman’s type for a guy and prouder na he’s the one who gets to be loved by Pancho, it’s still hard to see all that and hear people wish them well. Did they ever consider the possibility na baka nga may partner si Pancho? Ano yun, they’d just ship him with a stranger who can’t even confess when there’s an actual person who’s affected by it all?
He asked Pancho about it by the end of the day kasi biglang lumabas yung post around 1 PM. Apparently, the moment it got posted, yun na yung topic ng block niya since. ‘Mag-reply ka!’ his blockmates urged him pa nga.
Sabi nalang ni Pancho na not now. Kasisimula lang ng academic year, tas tumatambak na yung gawain. ‘Uh… Hintayin ko nalang siyang mag-confess? Kilala naman niya ko diba so… Baka pag nag-PM nalang siya?’ he said to appease them. His blockmates asked if agad-agad ide-date niya yung girl if nag-PM, so he said, ‘Pag-iisipan ko nalang pag nag-PM nga.’
All of this was a lie. He still wasn’t out aside from Kim, Denden, and Echo (who only found out the year before) and he wasn’t going to take the jump and out himself to almost the whole school. He once asked Kim if nab-bother ba siya about it, but he knew where Pancho was coming from. Kahit nga siya di pa out eh, and he’s known of his sexuality far longer than his boyfriend. ‘Basta you don’t do anything, that’s fine with me,’ Kim reassured him instead.
To his good graces, the poster didn’t PM Pancho. The issue died down a week after, until another person confessed after a few days naman. Then this.
Kim can only massage his temples as he felt an upcoming ache. The curse he has talaga for dating such a catch. This is a happy problem, I guess. Oh no, my steak’s too buttered! Yeah, whatever.
But, he has heard of Pancho’s family’s reactions to the news – they all got excited kasi finally they can hear something love-life related about their bunso. Wala silang naririnig tungkol sa mga crush or GF from him eh, tas biglang andami palang nagkaka-crush sa kanya? Where did all of this come from?
Kim had to sit through it as he ate dinner with the Pangilinans – all three of his family were in Den’s school for a performance.
“Gwapo gwapo talaga ng anak ko,” his mama boasted habang kinukurot pisngi ni Pancho. “Alam mo nak, basta makahanap ka lang ng girlfriend na aalagaan at mamahalin ka nang tapat, okay na sakin yun. Pero wag muna agad-agad ha?”
Girlfriend. He still can feel the chill down his back whenever he hears the heteronormative expectations on Pancho. He can only squeeze his own thigh to hide any other obvious reaction. Buti pa, kuya PJ chimed in agad, “Ma, kala ko pag-30 years old pa?”
“Kung may mga babae na sobrang in love na in love pala sa anak ko, edi di ko na yan mapipigilan,” tita dreamily reacted. “Basta masaya si Pancho, dun ako.”
Tita, what if I tell you na he’s happy with me?
He stole a look to see Pancho’s reactions through it all – he did nothing but embarrassingly chuckle and fidget. He can see the sweat form by his hairline and Kim’s trying so hard to not reach out and hold his hand.
(They didn’t address it as the night continued, even if they sat alone in Pancho’s bedroom. Parang nagka-temporary lull sa mundo – parang walang nangyari, parang walang problema. They tried to clear their to-do list in silence, hiding from the elephant in the room.)
Can they still keep on hiding from it?
Mr Pangilinan: kimmy, daan tayo 24 chicken today?
Mr Pangilinan: medj need ko lang mag-stay saglit kasi may meeting pero super saglit lang yun don’t worry
Kim: yes poooooo
Kim: :D
Kim: idm waiting naman, go do ur thingg
Mr Pangilinan: ok po
Mr Pangilinan: chicken’s on me
Kim: NO
Kim’s day continued on boring as per normal. He wondered what Pancho was doing for the day, secretly sending him Tiktoks during class hours. The videos he sends vary from cat vids (kasi Pancho liked sending those rin kasi parang si Kim raw kumilos), food ‘hidden gem’ recommendations (for their after school lakbay), and just random funny stuff. He knew na Pancho would only go through it once he has to send his One (1) video to save their streak.
Through lunch, he listened through Echo’s rants about his new Bumble match. Long story short: gago nanaman. They actually had a strong feeling na baka this dude would be new and safe kasi grabe yung memory recall niya when it came to Echo’s hyperfixations and interests. Sadly, parang it’s all deliberate. He ended up going back to his ex after three months of talking.
“What if…” Echo groaned, parang pinaglalaruan yung rice meal niya. “…maging straight nalang ako? Or bisexual man lang? Parang ang dali ng buhay ng mga straight… tite lang yung ginagawang utak. What the fuck?”
“You have absolutely no interest in the female anatomy,” reply naman ni Kim, eyes focused on his bacsilog. “Mas realistic ata kung sinasabi mong magiging celibate ka nalang kaysa pumatol sa babae.”
“Hoy,” Echo poked him by the shoulder. “Back to you rin ‘yon.”
He and Echo became close kasi they found out early on na they were both gay. Sabi nga nila, birds of a feather, we should stick together, I know— ay, parang mali. Echo suddenly became Kim’s closest confidante and vice versa, telling him things that especially Pancho shouldn’t know (kasi tungkol sa kanya).
Echo met Pancho when he was waiting for his then-‘best friend lang’ to end his student council meeting one day last year. Di pa niya boyfriend si Pancho nun actually, still stuck in the depths of gay yearning. The timing was immaculate – Echo was curled up against Kim’s side as Echo forced him to watch a K-Pop music video ‘to culture him’. Si Pancho, na kapapasok palang ng Black Scoop nun, was absolutely floored. Sino yung guy? Why is he so close with Kim? Bakit okay lang si Kim with this dude? What does this all mean?
(He didn’t know yet na he’s terribly and helplessly in love with his best friend rin. TBH, he thought he was innately homophobic.)
Pancho talked to them so rigidly and so on the edge na Kim had to explain na Echo’s just a friend. Pancho didn’t know much about dynamics so he didn’t get it when Echo started laughing out loud at the implication na they might be dating. Kim didn’t know how to explain, yet Echo was too crass to care.
“Di kami talo,” he just simply stated. “Sa kama, parehas kaming nakatuwad. Sinong magpapasok?”
In insane embarrassment, natulak ni Kim si Echo nang sobrang lakas na nahulog siya sa sahig. Si Pancho naman, uminit nang todo yung mukha because of the visual imagery. He never really had to imagine Kim in… such a provocative position. Nung time na yun, he still couldn’t explain to himself why that image got stuck in his head for days.
When they got together after a whole series of events, Echo was there to be an empath as Kim went through the consequences of ruining the friendship. Echo’s still here now that their relationship is less rocky compared to before. Is it really less rocky? Or did they get better in avoiding it?
He doesn’t want to think about that now. Ang importante is the future – the two of them get into UPD together, get a dorm, and live life as an actual couple for once. This has been their favorite form of distraction when things get too overwhelmingly tough that they want to run away – imagining what they’d do after.
They’ve already casually searched for available dorms or condos around UPD – Kim has opened up na TBH his parents are okay with taking up more of the rent if kahati niya si Pancho, but of course, his boyfriend would hate that. Pero kasi, if they want a place for themselves, a condo is the best way to do it – kahit maliit lang. ‘Papaghirapan ko yang DOST scholarship na yan tas gagamitin ko yung stipend pang bayad,’ he stubbornly told Kim.
They love to imagine what their new routines would be once they’re in the same space. Pancho would still be the early riser, but Kim won’t have to listen to his morning voice through his phone’s receiver na. They’d have breakfast together, walk to campus together, and go home to each other. No need for paalams and late night uwi (kasi their parents are a bit iffy with sleepovers) – they’d sleep beside each other every single night.
No need for held back words and touches, no need for secret codes. The condo they’d have would be their home – a place where they can freely express their love.
Kim is one step away – UPCAT results nalang natitira and he knows na he prepared for it enough. Pancho would be applying by early next year, and he knew na his boyfriend has it in the bag. (Hello? Pancho Pangilinan na yan.) Once Kim gets into UP, he’d have a head start na in finding a condo. He’d prepare that space for when Pancho steps in. Just one short year of a ‘not-that-long’ distance relationship for three to four years of bliss.
To get there… well, he has to go through these mundane days of nothing. His last year in UST SHS won’t go away without a trip to hell.
Kim’s been waiting in the library for Pancho to finish his meeting. He’s been dozing off with the coldness of the room, it doesn’t help pa na he has Pancho’s sweater with him kaya ang comfortable to just fall asleep. Usually, nauuna na si Kim to where they’d meet, pero today’s Freedom Wall news was just too annoying kaya he wants to be with Pancho muna.
Mr Pangilinan: done na
Mr Pangilinan: san ka?
Kim: asa frassati pa me
Kim: i go to u!
Mr Pangilinan: okie
Mr Pangilinan: take ur time, gusto ata ako kausapin ni sir
Kim: okk
Pancho’s meeting place was near lang naman, so Kim slowly packed his things before leaving the library. It just one level down, and Kim reached the place in no time. Lingering sa may CR, he can see Sir Dante talk to Pancho excitedly while the other has his token customer service smile (na only Kim can differentiate from his regular one). Sir Dante was flailing his arms around trying to explain what he wants to explain, habang si Pancho naman tango lang nang tango.
Slowly walking towards the two, napansin na ni Pancho na palapit na si Kim. Widening his eyes in recognition, he subtly turned a bit and said something quick to Sir Dante that made him stop whatever he was saying.
“Thank you, sir,” he could now hear Pancho say, slightly bowing his head pa in gratitude.
“Basta ha,” paalala ni sir. “Consider it, Pancho. I see potential in you.”
Huh.
“Thanks sir,” Pancho repeated, smile now a bit tighter. “I’d get back to you on that.”
Kim could only watch as sir waved at them goodbye, walking back to his office. Pancho naman just stood there with his hands in his pockets. He knew na whatever Sir Dante said troubled his boyfriend kaya he instinctively reached out sana to hold his hand, pero Pancho angled his body away.
Seeing the shock in Kim’s eyes, Pancho grimaced guiltily, “Sorry. Public.”
Kim could only nod. Right. Tama.
With his hands now curled up in fists inside his pockets, Pancho could only motion with his head, “Lika na? 24 Chicken?”
Tumango nalang ulit si Kim. Looks like this is another thing they’d have to bury and hide from.
They strolled casually palabas ng campus, picking up a comfortable conversation along the way. Tinanong ni Pancho kung may update ba tungkol kay Echo, at sakto, yun lang naman yung pinagusapan nila buong lunch. Kim asked kung nakuha na ba nila yung result for that surprise quiz na Pancho’s been ranting about the past week – they had, and of course, highest nanaman si Pancho. ‘Kaya ba manlilibre ka?’ he teased. Pancho only laughed, ‘Could be. Or, gusto lang talaga kita ilibre. Ganun lang yun.’
Tinake out nila yung 24 Chicken before they went on their commute pauwi. Now na it’s around rush hour, the trip is almost double or triple to their morning route. With the darkness of the night alongside the harsh red lights of the cars surrounding them, Kim has a harder time dissociating pauwi. Parang all of the lights were too stimulating, mind too tired, Pancho too far. (Again, he lulls himself with the thought of having dinner with Pancho at home. Kung ganito na traffic sa my city hall, what more ang traffic sa Ayala Ave.)
He didn’t have to look behind to know na his boyfriend’s lost in his thoughts as he looked out at the cityscape. Watching street kids weave around the stagnant cars, the bright lights of Manila, and the sounds of irritation through horns and beeps. He wondered what’s going on in Pancho’s mind, and if ever he’d get to know by dinner. If he’s not comfortable with Kim the boyfriend, can he still tell Kim the best friend?
It probably took an hour until they reached Quirino. Seeing the traffic papasok, narealize nila na mas madali nalang lakarin kaysa mastuck uli sila sa traffic pag sumakay sila ng jeep. Pinauna agad siya ni Pancho, making sure na Kim’s safe in all fronts and subtly moving him around from behind. Alam naman na rin ni Kim yung kailangan niyang gawin, but it’s good being taken care of by another, especially as the eldest child.
It's as if he can turn off his brain when he’s around Pancho. Of course, he can’t fully do that when subjected to the perils of Manila commute, pero ang dali mabuhay pag may Pancho na kasama. This just makes him more excited for the life they’d be living together.
Finally reaching their street, binuksan na ni Kim yung gate nila para makapasok sila. They didn’t even bother opening the living room lights – diretso sila agad sa kwarto ni Kim para magpahinga. Live in their little bubble, be a couple for a few hours until makauwi sina Denden. (Realistically, they probably only have an hour. Karma might bite him in the ass, pero Kim hopes na Makati traffic is way worse today than usual.)
Settling down on the floor, they both lied down like starfishes. Kinapa ni Kim yung remote ng aircon, wanting to open it kahit five minutes lang para lumamig yung kwarto. Once they could hear the familiar and satisfying whir, they both moaned in gratitude. Only then did Kim roll over to his boyfriend, rising up by his elbows to hover on top of him.
“Hello po, Mr Pangilinan,” he cheekily said, pressing a kiss on his cheek.
Pancho chuckled, wrapping an arm around Kim’s waist to pull him in and making him lie down on his chest. “Halika nga dito,” he murmured as he pressed his face into Kim’s neck. “Hello, mahal ko. Na-miss kita.”
(It’s easy to pretend that everything is okay when they both act like this when they’re in private. As if everything could be forgiven and forgotten, as long as Pancho can call Kim his ‘mahal’.)
“Missed you too,” Kim sighed dreamily, resting his head on his love’s chest and listening to his heartbeat. “24 Chicken na tayo, please? Gutom na ang baby.”
“Ang baby?” Pancho chuckled. “Sinong baby?”
“Ako,” Kim joked. “Ako si baby. Gutom na ko.”
Laughing, Pancho pulled the two of them into a seating position, dragging the bag of 24 Chicken nearer. Pagdating talaga kay Kim, two things matter the most – food and Pancho. Wag na nating tanungin yung exact order of priority. That’s a sensitive topic.
Kim could still see his boyfriend stare into nothingness while chewing on his drumstick, parang ang lalim ng iniisip. Tilting his head, he nudged him with his big toe. “Panch,” he called. “What’s wrong?”
Pancho’s eyes didn’t even meet his, only looking down at the bag of chicken and picking up another. “Wala,” he whispered.
“Tungkol ba ‘to sa sinabi ni Sir?” Kim asked. He knew na it was without even asking Pancho – parang nagsimulang maging off yung vibe ni Pancho nung time na yun eh. His smile was too tight, and sir was too excited. Ano kaya yung inoffer niya kay Pancho?
His boyfriend could only look into his eyes warily, but he knew na it’d be a losing game if he tried to run away from it. “Oo,” he ceded. “Hindi… May sinabi lang siya. Cinoconsider ko.”
“Tell me more?” he asked, scooting closer.
Pancho chuckled, seemingly hopeless, “Magagalit ka.”
“Bakit naman ako magagalit?”
“Kasi cinoconsider ko talaga.”
“Cinoconsider nga ang ano?”
“Sabi ni sir na mataas raw chances ko in renewing my scholarship para sa college,” Pancho shared, resigned. “He’d vouch for me raw, and considering the trajectory of my performance, mukhang sakin mapupunta yung scholarship. 100% deferment for tuition yun, Kim.”
“Oh?” Kim replied, weak. “UP naman state U ah, so free tuition. What’s the difference?”
He hates how Pancho’s looking at him right now. Parang may something sa mata niya na parang sumusuko siya from something… Parang naiiyak siya sa guilt or what. Pero para saan?
“Wala,” Pancho replied, voice gruff. “Wag mo nang isipin, Kim. Ako na bahala. Pinagiisipan pa naman tsaka wala namang choice to make nor deadline. Sinasabi lang ni sir.”
“Pero kasi,” Kim whined, not wanting to just let this go again with a ‘wala’. “Sabi mo magagalit ako kasi icoconsider mo. Na ano? At least pag nag-UP ka, di mo kailangan mag-maintain ng grade or risk losing your scholarship, diba? Free tuition siya from start to finish, eh paano kung nagka-one bad sem ka sa college tas kailangan mo nang bumalik sa tuition fee? Paano na?”
“Yes po,” Pancho only said appeasingly. “Wag na ngang isipin. Okay na, mahal.”
“Tsaka,” Kim only continued because he’s on a roll. Anong cinoconsider ni Pancho? “UP yun eh. Diba malaki ang push pag UP nag-graduate? Tsaka… Tsaka… Ako kasama mo. Diba yung point nga kung bakit tayo lalayo papunta ng UP is para di na natin kailangang umuwi? Wala tayong kailangang taguan sa QC, Panch. Diba?”
Hinatak lang siya ng boyfriend niya sa isang mahigpit na yakap, “Oo na. Opo, mahal. Sinasabi ko lang naman, Kim. Wag ka nang mag-alala.”
Pero kasi, wala na, tumatakbo na yung puso niya dahil sa anxiety. Pag nag-stay si Pancho sa UST, gugustuhin rin ba ni Kim manatili? Four more years of this? Taking advantage of the little pockets of time na walang tao sa bahay? As much as a huge chunk of the reason of why he wants to move in a dorm is because of his relationship, he also wants to live away from the bitter resentment of being overlooked in his house. Kumbaga, he thinks na if he stays a tad bit longer, baka ma-hate na niya yung magulang niya, and much worse, si Denden. Ayaw niyang hintayin na mangyari yun. He'd rather realize na the ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ with regards to his family.
Kim’s set for the UP path, pero it won’t be the same without Pancho. If Pancho stays in UST, that means he still has to stay with his family. Wala pang mga asawa sina Kuya Francis pati Kuya PJ, kaya asa bahay pa sila nakatira. No point rin naman na mag-dorm si Pancho eh napaka-lapit lang ng España. Pero, yung pagkakaiba naman nila, is Pancho has no problems with living with his family. He’s just entertaining the move because of Kim.
(Kim also knows why Pancho’s even considering to stay. Staying means not having to leave his mom. Kahit andun sina kuya, iba pa rin yung time na mailalaan niya as the only student in the family. Sino nang kasama ni mama sa umaga? Baka may mga araw pa na makakasama niya ‘to sa tanghalian, nanonood ng It’s Showtime at tumatawa dahil kay Vice. Kim knew na these moments matter to his boyfriend, and it’s one in a million reasons why he loves him deeply.
He just knew na there’d come a time na Pancho might come to crossroads – his family, o si Kim? He doesn’t even want to think about it kasi he knew na he also doesn’t want Pancho to choose. Alam rin niya na pagdating sa panahon na yun, hindi malaki yung chances na siya yung pipiliin. And Kim doesn’t know what to feel about that.)
Sitting there, entangled in a hug with their forgotten box of chicken by the side, they let their frantic minds settle in peace. The elephant in the room grows in size, and it leaves them less room to breathe. However, di pa naman sila nasu-suffocate.
They can hear the grumble of the engine outside their house, and the sound of his dad opening their garage gate. Reluctantly, the couple knew na it was the time to go back into hiding. Packing the box and turning off the AC, they jogged downstairs and saktong naabutan yung pagpasok nina Den at mom.
“Hello mga anak,” bati ni mommy nang pagod. “Nakakain na kayo?”
“Yes po,” agad na reply ni Pancho. “Nag-chicken po kami.”
“Nako,” tawa ni mom. “Chicken nanaman? Si Kim nanaman pumili ‘no?”
“Konti nalang lilipad na si kuya,” comment ni Den habang paakyat ng hagdan. “Fly high, kuya.”
“Mauna na po ako,” paalam naman ni Pancho. “Samahan ko na po si mama.”
Kim lingered behind his boyfriend, waiting for him to finish his polite greetings. He’d walk him out of the gate and watch as he enters his – his usual night routine. Pancho steps out of the screen door, holding out for Kim to leave, and saying one last goodbye to his dad when he passes by. By the gate, Kim can only purse his lips in thought. Pancho knew na he’s still thinking about their conversation and couldn’t do anything. Once Kim has a thought, it brews relentlessly.
“Good night,” Pancho could only say. In public, with Kim’s parents still in the living room, he couldn’t risk saying the three words out loud. He just hoped na his ‘good night’ can carry it instead.
Kim sighed, “Good night, Panch. Sleep well.”
Every night, Pancho looks at him as if he wants to hug or kiss him before leaving. Every night, they have to stand there helplessly with itching limbs. Every night, they walk away from each other with so much yearning for someone they already have.
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As much as Kim’s mornings start with love, Kim’s nights end with yearning. The type of yearning that makes you want to plunge your hand into your chest, take out your beating heart, and silence it with your own hands. The type that makes you want to pull your hair in frustration. The type of yearning that popular media doesn’t capture – the type that makes you go insane.
He thought that being in a relationship with Pancho would stop the yearning. He already has the man, bakit niya pa kailangan mag-yearn?
Iba pala talaga yung state of yearning if hindi mo pwedeng i-express yung affections mo freely for the one you love. He thought it wouldn’t make a difference kasi they were already a bit more affectionate than your usual best friend pair. But, entering a relationship made the two of them more cautious about public perception, moreso si Pancho. Now, every hug shouldn’t be too long, sitting beside each other in a booth is too much. Kahit nga pag-message kay Kim in public, di niya masyadong ginagawang affectionate. He only calls him ‘mahal’ verbally, never in writing.
Pero kasi… si Pancho na ‘to. Ang hirap isipin pag hindi si Pancho yung mahal niya. Baliktarin na yung mundo at lahat-lahat, pipiliin niya pa rin si Pancho para makasama habang buhay. If he has to come out to his family and face impending doom, he’d do it if that meant living freely with his lover. If he has to face his relatives’ homophobic and demeaning comments for the rest of his life, okay lang as long as si Pancho inuuwian niya.
But he knows the complexity of the situation that he’s in. As much as he’s able to sacrifice, maraming hindi kayang i-sacrifice ni Pancho – especially when it comes to family. Hindi niya kayang pakawalan yung validation ng parents niya, nor the fondness his kuyas have for him. He’s super particular rin with how he presents himself to future employers – he has to maximise all avenues for employability. He has much more to lose than Kim.
If Kim has to be in the losing end, then so be it.
But can he actually keep on living in hiding?
Mr Pangilinan: good night kim
Mr Pangilinan: wag mo nang isipin yung pinagusapan natin please
Mr Pangilinan: wag ka nang mag-alala
Kim: im not na
Kim: good night pancho
Kim: alis tomorrow?
Mr Pangilinan: gusto ata magsimba ni mama nang 5pm
Kim: ahh ok
Mr Pangilinan: pero balitaan kita kung pwede ako before that
Mr Pangilinan: message kita sa umaga
Kim: ok!
Kim: lets see nalang tmr then
Kim: good night po
Mr Pangilinan: good night
Natulog si Kim as how he usually did —
With a tightness in his throat and a chest uncomfortably full.