Chapter Text
It was a Saturday night, and you had planned to hang out at Yunho’s place with him and San and watch a movie. Tonight you were running late and had forgotten to get the snacks you had promised to bring. Hoping San had anticipated your failure, you arrived empty handed, but at least almost on time. But there were no snacks and the mood was tense when you arrived, still a bit out of breath.
“Sorry I’m late, what’s up?” you asked, after Yunho had released you from his welcoming squeeze.
“I’ve just gotten here, too,” San said, smiling at you and drawing you into a hug, like always.
“You didn’t bring anything, either, did you?” you asked him, looking at the living room table that was already set with soda and empty bowls. San shrugged and raised his hands.
“The one time I was counting on you and didn’t bring extras…”
“The one time I’m late, you decide to count on me?” you replied and cuffed his shoulder. Turning to the other guy, you caught him glaring at San. Somehow you felt there was more amiss than just the lack of snacks. Yunho sighed, turned and started rummaging through his cupboards.
“I’m really sorry, but I’m not sure I have anything but wasabi-flavored gim left.”
“How about we go on a snack run? It will be fun, just like old times,” you tried to rally them.
“It wouldn’t be a movie night without, so, sure,” San agreed. Yunho grabbed his car keys and off you went.
Lately something was up with them, ever since San’s last girlfriend Ji-yeon had called it quits. She was one of those pretty, petite girls who made you feel like a lumbering oaf, but you were used to that. You always stood in the back row in pictures. You could get the things on the high shelves without a problem. You often felt you stuck out like a sore thumb, while the shorter girls got asked to dance. Sometimes you hated it, sometimes it was great, but in the end it just was. You couldn’t change it, it was your life. And you had really liked her. She was sweet and caring, never complained that San wanted to spent time with Yunho and yourself, and her sense of humor had fit right in. You never managed to get San to tell you just what had happened, but more than once you suspected that it had something to do with Yunho. Whenever her name was mentioned, the guys exchanged heated glances, and both were quick to change the topic.
The drive to the store seemed to lighten the mood a bit, mostly because you had the guys laughing at you recounting the string of little catastrophes that had led to you being late. It had just been one of those days when everything went slightly wrong. At the store, you had just started prowling the aisles, when your sight fell onto a display of soju bottles.
“Oh, do you guys remember?” you exclaimed excitedly.
“Drinking soju by the river?” Yunho grinned. “You mean when we were still in school and definitely shouldn’t have been doing that?”
“When we took advantage of the clerk thinking you were older because you were taller than us?” San added.
You straightened your spine. “And, in some cases, still am,” you laughed.
“Barely,” San replied with an easy smile. He had never cared that he didn’t quite manage to catch up with your height, even when Yunho surpassed you both.
“It will be fun and nostalgic,” you tried to convince them. San looked at the display, and you could tell he was considering it.
“I’m driving, so no soju for me,” Yunho said. “But I don’t mind if you get some. As long as I don’t have to carry you both.”
You grimaced. “I should have thought about that, sorry.” He shook his head and smiled.
“It’s not like it’s a mild summer evening and you’ll want to spent hours outside, is it?”
“I just remembered the fun we had,” you said. “We can do it another time.”
Yunho looked at you for a moment, his smile softening. “Hey, if San is up for it, I’ll even have a sip to raise a toast with you. But not more.”
“San?” you asked hopefully. “Just a bottle?”
You ended up choosing two bottles each and Yunho got a soda he liked. With the drinks and some snacks, the three of you wandered down to the river. You chose a random park bench and plopped down.
“It’s nice here,” you announced and the guys settled down at your sides. “Even if this isn’t our old spot, I like how the lights reflect in the water,” you said, looking out over the water.
“I’m not sure if our old spot still exists,” San said. “Didn’t they rebuild around there to make it more appealing to families?”
“Too many teenage delinquents there, hu?” you joked. You had hardly been that, even if you had been breaking the law.
Yunho rubbed his hands. “Enough reminiscing, get the booze out,” he ordered. You laughed and handed each of them a bottle.
“To old friends,” you said, raising your bottle.
“To old friends,” San joined in.
“To sticking together,” Yunho added and you clinked the bottles together and drank. Yunho kept his word and set the bottle aside after taking a sip, opening a can of soda. It was nice just sitting there for a moment and sipping your beverages. The lights dance on the surface of the river, and you enjoyed the nostalgia that came with sitting like this. Tasting the fruity soju, that was just as deceptively mild as it had been when you were teenagers. You talked about your school days, laughing about how grown-up you had felt then. You suddenly remembered how they made fun of your ex who complained when you wanted to wear high heels. But they didn’t ask you out, either. You had accepted being one of the guys. You were best friends; an amazing trio and you got to be yourself around them.
“Just like old times,” San said after a while.
“Nope, you’re still awake,” you teased him. “Usually, it only took a few sips for you to get sweepy.”
“Hey!” he protested. “I can handle my alcohol by now!”
“Can you?” Yunho asked with a slightly mocking tone. “I’m not so sure.”
San rolled his eyes. “At least I don’t get loud and annoying when drunk,” he taunted back.
“It’s called being energetic and fun,” Yunho retorted. “You should try it sometimes.”
“Hey, what’s up with you guys?” you asked. Yunho shrugged and San muttered something, but they fell silent. You felt a bit guilty for having started the bantering, but it used to be so natural between the three of you. When did light-hearted teasing turn so mean? San reached for the bottle Yunho had opened and you shifted a bit. Yunho leaned against you.
“Are you cold?” he asked and wrapped an arm around you.
“A bit,” you replied, enjoying his warmth too much to correct his impression. What if he thought you had cuddled up to him? It wasn’t as if you didn’t pile up when watching a movie. Looking at San, you decided you didn’t want him to feel left out, and you tugged at the sleeve of his hoodie.
“Come close, let’s share the warmth,” you muttered. He scooted closer.
“Mhm, sharing,” he murmured. Next to you Yunho shifted. San leaned back and drained the soju bottle.
“Wow, Sannie, you must have been very thirsty,” you said. “I’m still nursing my first bottle!”
San shrugged and reached for the shopping bag again. Yunho dragged it away from his hand.
“I think you had enough,” he said softly.
San snorted. “You’re thinking a lot lately. Wish you would keep your thoughts to yourself more.”
You’ve had enough, getting up and turning to face them, you set your hands on your hips and frowned.
“What the hell is up with you lately?”
They looked up at you, eyes big and lips turned down. There was a beat of uncomfortable silence, then San shook his head. “I wanted to tell you,” he began, but Yunho interrupted him: “San, don’t!”
San barred his teeth at him and hissed: “It’s all your fault anyway!”
“This is just going to hurt us all,” Yunho got up as well. “You’re both drunk, let’s just forget about it.”
San laughed and you shook your head, holding up your soju bottle that still had some liquid left inside. “I’m not drunk, I want to know why my best friends are at each other’s throats all the time!”
“Best friends, sure,” San said mockingly.
“Sannie…,” Yunho’s tone had become pleading, and he reached out a hand.
“Don’t you ‘Sannie’ me!” San slapped the hand away and got up, too.
He turned to you and there was an ugly sneer on his face. “You want to know what’s up? Yunho ruined my relationship and is going to ruin this, too!” he gestured between the three of you.
“Me?” Yunho barked. “You fucked it up with Ji-yeon all by yourself! And now you want to wreak everything?” He turned to you, begging: “Please, just let it go. We can talk about it when we’re all in the right headspace.”
San pushed him aside. “The right headspace? Like the headspace you were in when you told me you planned on ruining our friendship? When you goaded me in front of my girlfriend?”
Yunho laughed bitterly. “Yes, I made you act like a prick, I ruined everything, when you are the greedy one, the jealous one, the one…”
“Stop it,” you barked. They were facing each other, fists balled and chests heaving.
“What the fuck happened?” you demanded to know. Yunho’s look was bleary, almost haunted. He made an “after you”-gesture at San. The latter sneered and then turned to you.
“Yunho told me he wanted to ask you out and I said that’s against our agreement…,” he started, but you held up on hand.
“Stop. Yuyu – you what? And what agreement?” you prodded. Yunho ran his hands through his hair and turned away. San’s eyes grew and bit his lips, looking like he just realized what he had said.
“What. Agreement.” Their reaction proved that something was very wrong. You felt as if somebody had draped a heavy, icy cold weight over your shoulders. Yunho kicked against one of the empty bottles, walked a few steps, turned back, but wouldn’t meet your eyes. San just stood there, frozen, except for his face, which slowly grew more bleak.
"I’m waiting,” you said, your voice not sounding like your own, but cold and as if somebody else was talking. You looked from one to the other, folding your arms, afraid you might start slapping them. San made a step towards you, but you stepped back. He stopped, shoulders hanging, his eyes bigger than you had ever seen them.
“I’m so sorry,” he said softly. “You weren’t supposed to know.”
“What, San? What the hell wasn’t I supposed to know?” You looked past Yunho to the path leading back to the street, ready to just walk away, if they didn’t start talking.
“We made a pact, San and me,” Yunho finally began, voice hardly more than a whisper. He still didn’t look at you. “We both,” he paused, licked his lips and looked at San, still evading your gaze. “We both liked you and we knew it. So, we swore that neither of us would take the first step and ask you out. If you’d asked one of us, we promised to accept it, but…”
While he was speaking, you felt your face twisting. Your eyes must have looked huge, your jaw going slack, your eyebrows climbing. Then something snapped inside you and you started laughing. It wasn’t joyful or pretty. It was an ugly, barking sound, wrecking your lungs.
They startled and both reached for you, but you took another step back, hands raised to keep them from coming closer.
“You’re saying – ha,” you tried to speak, but another guffaw broke out of you. “You were… pi…,” you tried taking a gulp of breath. “Pining for me? While I was at home crying my eyes out because I felt like a fucking freak?”
They made another attempt to come closer, but you shook your head. Yunho tried to say something: “Please, we…”. But you raised a finger and shook it in warning, like a caricature of an old-fashioned schoolteacher.
“No, no, no. You wait. Ha,” you looked up into the dirty-dark sky, an ugly bruise-purple color from the light-pollution around you. You blinked a few times to get rid of the tears that threatened to spill.
“You never said a word. You didn’t look at me as if I was a girl. You knew I was devasted every time a guy chose some little doll over me!” You took a few breaths. “I thought we were friends. True friends. I was okay with not being a girl in your eyes, since I thought at least you respected me.” You looked back at them. They stood there, shoulders hanging low, guilt and dejection carved into their faces. You snorted, shook your head again and turned to look at the river.
After a few minutes of silence, San dared to speak up again. “We do respect you,” he said. “We are your friends.”
You kept silent, arms gone from folded to hugging yourself. Yunho chimed in, his voice sounding flat. “We never wanted to hurt you; we didn’t want to risk our friendship. The three of us, together.” You bit your lips and the tears you had tried to prevent from spilling started running over your cheeks. You didn’t move.
“Please, forgive us. We never wanted to do anything to hurt you – you’re not a freak. You never where,” San’s voice had begun to sound pleading. You still wouldn’t face them, tears still running silently over your face. You felt a hand on your arm, large, warm, Yunho, and shook it off.
“What about Ji-yeon?” you asked, after swallowing some of the snot and tears. “Did she find out you secretly had a thing for hulking monster women?” Your throat hurt and you felt some kind of ice-hot, gleeful malice at the sharp intake of their breaths.
“She was there when Yunho told me about wanting to ask you out. My reaction…,” he halted, searching for words. “She accused me of being jealous and only stringing her along until I had a shot with you.”
You chuckled humorlessly. “So, she broke up with you, and you were back to square one, both single and neither could make the first step.”
“It’s not like that,” San protested. You finally turned. His face crumbled when he saw your tear-stained cheeks, eyes probably already red and puffy. You brushed some of the wetness away with your sleeve. They both looked utterly miserable. Your anger evaporated, leaving behind sadness, exhaustion and the eerie feeling that you didn’t really know the two men in front of you. Yunho still sounded flat, his lips moving just enough to form the words.
“I thought San was happy. I thought, maybe we could be, too. Instead…,” he faltered. “I just want to go home,” you said, speaking felt as if you were talking around a lump in your throat.
“I’ll take you,” Yunho offered and looked at San. “Both of you.”
Yunho dropped San off first. Though it made sense, since it would have been a detour to go to your place first, it obviously rubbed San the wrong way. He kept huffing and throwing annoyed glances at Yunho from the back seat. When Yunho pulled up to the building, you turned in the seat and looked at San.
“Give me some time, okay?” you said.
“We’ll talk.” San glowered at Yunho but nodded.
“Goodnight. And I’m sorry.” He hesitated but didn’t add anything.
Yunho waited until San vanished into the building, then restarted the car. The drive to your place normally took less than ten minutes. After about two minutes of silence, Yunho cleared his throat.
“San probably expects me to plead my case right now. But I know you’ll need time.” He paused. Maybe he was giving you time to say something or to think. You didn’t know what you could say, your mind was too numb. There had been a shift in your perspective, how you saw them, and your relationship.
When he stopped at a red light, he turned to look at you. Your gaze was fixed on the dashboard. It wasn’t fair. There had been a time when you dreamed about either of them confessing their feelings for you. But why like this? So softly you almost couldn’t make it out, he whispered: “I just know I can’t lose you.”
Finally, you looked at him. His eyes shimmered in the streetlights. The lights changed to green. It took a moment before he dragged his eyes away from you and resumed driving. When he parked the car and got out, you frowned, but Yunho always walked you to the door at night. Even when there were other people in the car still waiting to be dropped off, he never failed to see you safely inside. It wasn’t a change in him; it was a change in how you saw him. You walked in silence until you reached the door. Usually, you would quickly hug and say goodnight, but it didn’t feel right. You got out your keys and turned away from him, but he drew you back by your free hand.
“Don’t, Yunho,” you forestalled anything he could say or do. “I can’t…,” you faltered. His grip on your hand tightened for a moment, then he let it slip from his grasp.
“Just please don’t vanish?” he asked, desperation in his voice. He swallowed hard and looked as if he was about to grab for you again.
“I won’t. You’re still my best friends. Part of me wants to get on the phone right now and tell you about those two idiots who made a stupid pact. I just need some time to process.” You tried to smile, but you were sure it didn’t reach your eyes.
“Be safe,” he said. You nodded and turned, walking away.