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While it was between seasons and the valley was getting warmer every night, the evening air felt cool against Adam’s hot, freshly shaven skin. Soon, though, the temperature would increase, and—because it was so far a dry year—the sun would cook the Earth, leaving only dry grass and cicadas in the river bottom. The heat was coming, and soon his sons would not be able to stay outside the house for too long without growing exhausted.
The thought of his sons being home in the evening worried Adam. He still was not accustomed to their company. And with his dear friend Samuel dead and... now with Lee leaving, Adam realized too much was changing too fast.
Adam wondered, however, if the world really was changing around him as quickly as it seemed, or if he had only recently woken up to those changes. He had sons—God, how often he found himself forgetting about his sons—and his wife had gone and built a whole life without him. It was shocking to Adam that these people had been living for the past decade and he was unaware of their progressions. The person Adam found himself thinking about the most was Lee. Adam felt like he hadn't even gotten to know Lee like he wanted to, and now the man was announcing his retirement. He had thought the man was only there to cook and clean at first and then found a helpful and intelligent confidant, but never had he considered that Lee might have had a life himself. That he had hopes and dreams and a family. Thinking about Lee gave Adam a strange feeling, and that strange feeling in turn made him feel worse.
After a minute, Adam heard the door behind him open and close, and he tore his eyes away from the pink horizon to find Lee beside him scowling.
“I’m sorry for wasting the tea like that,” Adam apologized, remembering his spilled cup. Lee had no doubt picked it up from the hard wood floors that he had been cleaning and carpeting with care under Adam’s unobservant nose.
“It was wasted as soon as you put sugar in it,” said Lee. “I did not think you would get so worked up about what I said.”
“I don’t even know what it was that you said that has me so upset,” Adam relented. “It’s not just you leaving. It was…”
“It was all of it.”
Lee was right. It was all he said, and it was all that was happening in Adam’s life.
At this moment, however, his sons were still out, and Lee was still here. Adam still had the time to talk to a trusted friend.
“You know what is funny, Lee? I have spent all of my life on the move. When I was young I lived as a vagrant travelling all around with strangers. When I was tired of that, I worked on a farm with my brother. And when I grew tired of that I travelled all the way to California. I’m not afraid of change, Lee. In fact, I worry that I chase it a little too much.”
“I do too,” Lee agreed. “I wasn't aware you moved around like that.”
“I try to separate that time in my life from myself. It wasn't all bad, I must say. I saw many places and met many people. Maybe if I weren't so emotional I could have enjoyed it, but I never did find what I was looking for out on the road.
“I thought when I moved out here I might find whatever that was, but you saw just how well that turned out for me.”
“If you're trying to make a point about my bookstore, then don't. I've already made my decision.”
“I'm not. And I know,” Adam sighed. “I will be trying to talk you out of it, though. For as long as I have you here.”
“Why did you live like that for so long?” Lee asked, moving the point of conversation away from him.
“I was young and upset with my father. When I was a boy he forced me to join the Calvary. Maybe I've spent all my life running away from that.”
“Yes, and you don't need me here telling you that. You also don't need me to point out your apparent habit of upheaving your life in the face of change. You've already done something drastic this week, and I know you're plenty aware of the motivation behind it.”
“I've done more than talk to Cathy. I also purchased an automobile today,” Adam admitted.
“What will you do next?” Lee mused.
Adam did not pick up on Lee's sarcastic tone and answered the question honestly. “Well, I was thinking of moving into town.”
Lee sighed. He knew Adam was stalling, but he admitted that it would be a good idea for him to get off the ranch. He was getting older, and it had long since served its purpose.
“You’re a wise man, Adam. In the sense that you understand the things that drive you. It must be difficult not knowing why you're worried now.”
Adam did know why he was so worried, but it was unlike anything he had ever felt before. Living on his own, moving away from his brother didn’t affect him like this because he had had no one to love and miss before. Not in the way he had it now. He never expected it to come from his Chinese servant.
“I’ve got my own theories,” Lee continued, his voice underlined with a knowing tone. He was being short with his words, which Adam appreciated. He knew Lee could probably go on for hours about the inner workings of Adam’s mind, but was saving him the embarrassment. Perhaps he was saving himself too.
“You’re probably right in those,” Adam said. He knew Lee had picked it up. He must have by now. He was a much more mindful observer than Adam. He must have noticed the quick glances at dinner, the way Adam would get a little too close to his simple servant while drunk, or how their conversations would last hours after the boys had gone to bed. The two were developing some sort of relationship that could never come to happen, and the situation was becoming much too real for Adam. It was no wonder Lee wanted to leave.
“I want to remind you that I’ve had this dream of retiring for a long time. It has hardly anything to do with you.” Lee seemed to read Adam’s thoughts.
“And what it does have to do with me?” Adam asked, caught on Lee’s words.
“I feel the need to get out of here before I grow too attached. For both of our sakes.”
Adam turned towards Lee who was still gazing out at the river. He wanted to chuckle at his own forwardness. He felt like a boy again. “And do you fear yourself growing attached?”
“I’ve served you for almost twelve years, Adam. You said it yourself that you are a free man now. For you to still need me would be out of the question.” Lee spoke harshly which shook Adam from his flirtation. “I know, however, that you do continue to need me. I saw it just now as I told you I wanted to leave. It would be too much for me to bear. If you needed me enough, I would stay, and then where would I be?”
Adam was angered by what Lee said. It was intimidating to him how he could almost admit how he felt and yet still hold the higher ground, thinking he was doing the right thing by moving away. “Enough about me. What do you need?”
“I need a place of my own. I need a room that I can decorate myself. I need space to collect books. I need intellectual conversations,” Lee said quickly.
Adam was jealous. Could he not give Lee those things? “And what about this? I believe I’ve made it clear how I feel. Do you need this too?”
“I do not.”
“What about want? You would be the first to say those are two entirely separate things.”
“Not in this case.” Lee was right again, and Adam wondered if he had done as much research and self-reflection into this as he did most things. To want and to need were one in the same here. You could need the kind of relationship that Adam and Lee had been resisting all these years as hard as you could, but you would only ever be left wanting. Because to give in, to allow it to happen would be impossible.
Though the two were smart men, they wanted to challenge the impossible. Adam was more daring.
Adam could feel the heat in the air now as their argument hovered stagnant. There was a strong tension around the porch, and he didn’t know how to break it.
“You’re going to need help moving into town,” said Lee. “And it will be quite some time before you can find a place.”
Adam was grateful for what he said. That was Lee promising to stay for at least some time, even if he was not admitting his desire to the same degree as Adam.
“I would like that.” Adam wondered what he could do with the short amount of time he had Lee. “When I came home I said I might see a woman—”
“I know what you meant.” Lee still did not look at Adam but kept his eyes trained on the river. Adam wondered if he was watching for the boys to return home.
Adam turned out to look at his property himself. Shadows were coming down from the western mountains and blanketing them where they were nestled in the foothills. The sky had a beautiful pink glow that Adam had never seen before in the East. This, he realized, was truly the first time he was seeing it ever. Now that he had moved on from Cathy and could appreciate the beauty of his home.
Adam would have been content standing here with Lee, feeling the air cool and watching the glint of sun disappear from the shallow water of the stream, but he was pleasantly startled when he felt calloused fingers interlock with his own.
“I gave the boys a lot of arrows,” whispered Lee. “I expect it will be quite some time until we see them again.”
“A late supper is just fine,” Adam agreed.
The two went back into the house with their shy hands still holding each other.
Adam was already affording his loss. Soon Lee would be gone, and in the time that he was here, the boys would be spending most nights at home. Still, Adam wanted to make the best of it, being with Lee in the house he had built.
The train to San Francisco arrived and departed on time. Lee noted this sourly as he boarded. Not once in his life had he ever had a train arrive on time, but he figured it was just luck that he should be leaving Salinas quicker than he had arrived.
There had been no arrival, Lee reminded himself—only a passing through to help the Trasks move into their new home. There was no point in memorizing the layout of the street or calculating the length of time it would take the boys to walk home from school or noting the staleness of the pastries in the window of Reynaud’s Bakery and how Adam would have to be sure to hire someone who knew a good recipe for pie.
There was no point, so Lee would do best to purge those thoughts from his mind now unless he wanted to spend the entire train ride thinking about how much he was going to miss the Trasks. He needed to get to San Francisco before he even began to yearn to go back.
As the train left the station and picked up steam, a family settled in two rows ahead of Lee. There was a bearded man with a sharp suit and his wife who wore an elegant green dress that Lee would have liked to admire. Lee noted the bouncing curls of their daughter who sat between them, chattering on about gossip of her classmates.
Lee found himself staring into the backs of their heads and trying to catch glimpses of their conversation: the girl's excitement, her parents' interested tones as they relayed their advice.
Lee had always desired a family of his own, but he had never been able to get the wife and kids he thought he would have. Lee could admit that the closest he ever got to feeling like he had a family was with the Trasks. He had felt protective of the boys since the day they were born and was always there for them. He had spent years caring for them, cleaning them, cooking loved meals for them, and observing their mischief. He loved Cal and Aron as if he was their own father—although he knew he was not.
The feeling of belonging and likewise the paranoia that he didn't actually belong with the Trasks had only grown in these recent months when Adam had come out of his decade-long mood and become soft and intimate with Lee. Lee of course relished the times they had spent together, but he was always telling himself that it was completely inappropriate for a man and his servant to live like this.
Adam had wanted to convince Lee to stay. He did not realize he was making it harder for him to do so amidst all the affection.
Lee thought back to Adam’s reluctant wife Cathy who had left all those years ago. She had said Adam loved her too much and she felt stifled in the home. While Lee knew he was in an entirely different situation than the woman, he wondered if Adam had a tendency to shower people with love when he feared them leaving. He wondered now if Adam had come to this realization himself and if he had changed the way he treated Lee so as to not have a repeat of his runaway bride. He especially wondered if Adam was now reacting the same way he did when Cathy left.
Lee felt guilty about leaving Adam like he had, but he did not feel like he had any other choice. He had not wanted to, but it would have been dangerous for him to wait until he felt the need to leave. Now Lee was grappling for a good enough reason to have left so that he did not feel so bad about it himself.
Lee spent the few hours of his trip going through the same cycle of thoughts. He tried to come up with a good enough reason for leaving the Trasks that wouldn’t hurt him or Adam, but he was unable to think of anything. He hoped seeing his new home would prove to him that he was meant to leave.
The tracks whisked Lee away from the nestled town of Salinas, through the mountains and up the increasingly populated peninsula until he reached the San Francisco Bay. The air around the busy station was muggy, and the atmosphere was noisier than one who had spent the past decade living on a ranch would expect.
Lee stepped off the train and grimaced at the busy station. He stared out into the cool waters of the bay to orientate himself. He was meant to stay with a cousin for some time before he got his shop, but he figured since the city was still abuzz with business and the water was still yet to have a shadow casted upon from the sun setting behind the city, it would be a few hours before his cousin was ready to host him. Lee decided to take a walk along the water and pass by the building where he planned to spend the rest of his days.
The smell of fish from the wharf caught Lee off guard, and he walked briskly to escape the odor. As he weaved in and out of the crowds to travel further south, he noticed that he was not feeling too exhausted. When Lee was not in the kitchen, he spent most of his time sitting at his desk reading or lounging with Adam. He had thought he would now be spending most of his time at his desk as an old man, but realized as his legs carried him with ease that perhaps he was not as old as he thought he was. He would have to plan on more days spent alone in the bookshop than he had originally counted on.
The store which Lee was planning on buying was located a few blocks away from the busy Dupont Street but was tucked away with its entrance from a thin alleyway so that it felt reclusive enough for a retiree. Lee had been writing to the man selling him the property—the son of the previous owner of a printing press. He stood now in front of the empty store, staring into the large, dark room through the window. Lee could not have selected a better vacant store, he thought. There was one large room with built-in shelves that would harbor all of his collection, and there were several small rooms that could be turned into storage or an office or a bedroom. The wood and brick were good and sturdy. Lee could imagine the ideal layout of his shop in his head just by looking at the room. It was perfect.
However, Lee could not ignore the thought in the back of his mind that had been pestering him ever since he had left Adam waving to him from the doorway. Lee doubted if he really wanted the bookshop. Looking at the dark, cobweb infested room now only made that thought louder.
“It’s foolish to want to go back…” Lee muttered to himself.
Lee suddenly became aware that his talking was audible to the pedestrians around him, and he looked up to see the worried glares he was getting. Lee had a habit of talking to himself especially when he was alone in the kitchen. He could definitely upkeep that habit as an eccentric book keeper, but he knew it wouldn’t be the same.
Lee was paralyzed on the street. He knew as well as anyone knows their own name that he was not going to be staying in San Francisco, but he knew he could not return like this. He needed to have a good reason for returning to Adam’s hopefully still open arms. And in order to have a good reason for Adam, he had to come to term with his feelings himself.
Lee could not do that kind of thinking on an empty stomach, so he pulled the slip of paper with his cousin’s address written on it and found his way to the small, hidden room before the city became dark.
He received a warm welcome from his cousin—also a Lee—who was already preparing what looked to be the best meal Lee had had in a long time.
“I don’t plan on staying for long,” Lee prefaced. “I’m going back to Salinas.”
“What’s in Salinas?” the cousin asked.
“My family.”
Lee could tell his cousin wanted to ask about Lee’s reply, but he knew not to. Besides, that was a good enough answer for him. He was a member of the Suey Dong and had gotten into some dangerous business amidst the ongoing gang wars. He had his own family that others knew not to ask about.
Lee’s cousin was a good man if not very smart, and did well to entertain Lee over the course of the evening. He spent a good few hours talking mainly about his recently uptaken hobby of cooking. They had eaten fried noodles.
Over the next five days, Lee returned to pacing around Chinatown with his telescope bag on hand in case he had the sudden inspiration to hop on a train. He was trying to draft a speech in his head that he could give to Adam when he returned, but could not form his thoughts well enough to even come up with a coherent sentence.
Everyday Lee would make a line between his supposed shop and the pier. He would walk out to the bay, watch the gentle waves grow dimmer as the day progressed, and, after their rhythm cleared his head of the unusable lines he planned to give Adam when he returned, he would turn around and walk back. Lee did this until the sun set and he would return to his cousin’s aromatic apartment.
Lee wondered if he could just return without saying anything. He wondered if he could come up with a clever enough lie. One day he had walked around swinging his bag of money carelessly near the dangerous corners of the city, hoping he would get robbed just to have an excuse. Lee eventually concluded that it would not be right for him or Adam if he lied. He needed his reason to be completely sound if he wanted Adam to take him, but he could not think of anything more substantial than the simple fact that he had been happy with the Trasks and would not be happy alone here.
On Saturday, Lee had spent the entire day inside his cousin’s apartment. They had talked a little about gang politics, played a few games, and spent most of the day in silence. For supper they ate a wintermelon soup that Lee’s cousin had been preparing for days.
“I hadn’t noticed how much work went into this one,” Lee said. “I suppose I have been stuck in my head too much lately. This city sure is good for that kind of attitude.”
“I agree. I am almost glad to be stuck in my apartment. It gives me a lot more time to think. What do you usually do to relax?”
“Funnily enough, I do the same as you. I cook… and read…” Lee thought back to his life on the ranch. “Simple things like that. It’s not that I don’t like excitement in my life—I just don’t think this bookshop plan was the right way to go in order to realize all that. I do enjoy this soup. I should make it for Adam.”
The words had come out of Lee’s mouth so easily as if he had forgotten that he wasn’t living with the Trasks at the moment. However, that wasn’t the part that surprised Lee. Lee was forgetful; there’d be times in the past when he was serving a family he’d conflate the names of his old charges with his new ones. This was different. He hadn’t just said Adam’s name because he wanted to serve him. He had said Adam’s name because thinking of him had become so easy. Why shouldn’t he make the soup for Adam? He wanted nothing more than to share this experience with one he held dear.
And it wasn’t just as if Lee was thinking of Adam selflessly. He knew deep in his heart he wanted to share this with Adam. More than that, he needed to return to that kitchen with a new outlook. He wanted to feel at home in the Trask kitchen not as a worker but as a fixture taking care of his boys.
Lee’s cousin noticed how he had gone silent for the last few moments. He took a sip of his soup making a noise to break Lee from his thoughts. “I’ll give you the recipe. It takes a few days to prepare, so enough time to clear your head.”
Lee’s cousin had just finished telling him the recipe for the dish, when Lee pushed in his bowl and stood up.
“Good-bye, and thank you for the hospitality. I’m going to take the evening train. There doesn’t happen to be a liquor store nearby, does there?”
The cousin nodded. “Just on the east end of the street.” He was glad for the company but was glad Lee was going to wherever he felt like he belonged. “Good luck.”
Lee finally knew what he wanted to say and spent the entire train ride rehearsing it in his head. When Lee at last found himself staring at the Trask’s new home, he knew it would be a miracle if he managed to say it all outloud.
Adam sat staring at Lee from across the dining room table. He had poured some of the liquor into a cup of coffee but seemed to forget it. He instead took occasional swigs from the bottle with enough frequency that made the back of Adam’s throat burn just watching him. Adam tried to meet Lee’s eyes but he kept them shut as his breaths came closer and closer together.
“Lonesome? You really don’t mean to tell me that you gave up on the life you have been raving about for months because you… missed me?”
Lee laughed in a tone that shocked Adam. “I gave up on the life I have been raving about for months because I missed you!”
“There has to be something you’re not telling me.”
“There’s a lot I’m not telling you, and if you’d give me a second I’ll get there.”
“Do you have a whole speech planned again?”
“Yes. I just need to get drunk to get it out.” Lee lifted the bottle to his lips again before Adam pulled it away from him.
“There’s a line between drunk and deeply intoxicated, Lee, and if you go on like this you’ll pass it.”
Lee put his face in his hands and let his cropped hair fall over his eyes as he finally opened them. His face and exposed neck were already turning a deep red with the alcohol. He began to stutter out what was a well-rehearsed speech.
“Adam, even after I had left and walked to the train station, I could not help but imagine what it would be like if I had chosen to stay. At first… I thought about it in regards to you and how I felt you still needed me, but I began to think—”
Lee quickly took another much-needed swig from the bottle before Adam could jump across the table and pull it away from him.
“God, Lee! I am taking this away from you.”
“I began to think that maybe, all along, I needed you!” Lee shouted.
Adam sat staring at Lee, his mouth slightly agape. The bottle of ng-ka-py fell from his hands and onto the table with a clatter. It was only thanks to the cork stuck in the bottle that just a few drops of dark liquid fell onto the new wooden table.
Adam broke from his trance and righted the bottle before it could cause more damage. He looked wildly upwards to where the boys would be asleep. “Would you stop with that?” he pleaded with Lee.
“Oh, you made more noise than I did.”
“Well, you can’t get in trouble for dropping a bottle. But, Lee… what you’re saying… what you told me…”
Lee grabbed Adam’s hands to stop them from swinging around. “I know what I said before. I know I led you to believe that I didn’t care. That I was only here because it was my job, and that I wanted to be done. I’m telling you now that I was wrong, and it only took this stupid trip to the city to make it apparently clear to me!”
Lee attempted to find his spot in his speech but couldn’t for he was now in too deep and felt the alcohol filling the spot between his ears.
“I could not stop thinking about you. At every moment I’d think how I wished I could talk to you or share a meal with you or just be in your presence again. And, after too long of a while, I realized that feeling would not be going away, and the only way I could fix the big, gaping emptiness inside me was to come back.”
Adam had a look of undeniable worry on his face as he reached up to Lee’s cheek to frantically wipe away coming tears. Lee’s face was far too red and flushed for him to have even noticed he had started crying.
“It’s alright. It’s alright,” Adam consoled. It was clear he had never had to be so comforting towards anyone and was out of his depth, but he was trying his best. “I’m glad you’re back. So glad. I hope you know that.”
Lee chuckled. “You needed someone to make sure you and the boys were fed. Tell me, how many times did you send Cal and Aron to get supper from the hotdog stand this week?”
“That’s besides the point. And you know that is not true!” Adam snapped. “Lee, I don’t just want you here to take care of me. I am not that helpless. I wanted you here. I want you here even if you never cooked for me again in my goddamned life! I’d scrub the floors everyday by myself if it meant keeping you here!”
Lee laughed. He laughed a good, heart-felt laugh and felt his face cool enough to be aware of the red-hot tear streaks below his puffy eyes.
“Here, if I must then I terminate your employment. Lee, you no longer work for me.” Adam got real close to Lee’s face and whispered. “But I’d like to keep you around this time, if I can.”
Lee turned towards Adam. He could not decide if he wanted to laugh or shout for joy, and instead got so overwhelmed with emotion that he grabbed Adam’s face and pulled it into his.
Adam’s skin felt cool against his, and the reciprocating curve of his lips was everything Lee had ever wanted. Damn the bookshop.
Lee pulled away from the kiss after an appropriately long amount of time. “I am sorry,” he said.
“It’s alright,” Adam said with a big smile on his face.
“If that’s not a sign of intoxication…”
“It’s alright,” Adam reiterated. “As long as you did that of your own accord, then, Lee, I am overjoyed.”
Lee gazed into Adam’s shining blue eyes and felt at peace. He could stay here forever at this dining table without talking. For once he was silent not because he felt he had to but because he was comfortable with it.
After a few minutes, Lee did find his words again.
“There was… there was one thing I did really want to say to you,” Lee said slowly, trying to pull up the thought. “Samuel Hamilton loved everything under the sun, and you… you love so easily. All these years I thought that I would never be like that, even though I was envious. I thought… I thought I was just here, and I was meant to exist pass–passively. Why, I’d find things to bring me joy, but I never loved.”
“You really are drunk now, Lee.”
“I suppose that’s what I get,” Lee hiccupped. “I was worried I wouldn’t say what needed to be said if I were sober. Anyway, what I mean to say is I love you.”
Adam smiled and said it back. Of course he said it back. All Lee could see now what Adam as the kitchen faded to deep browns behind him.
“We need to find you a bed. You wouldn’t mind sharing my room for the night?”
“Mmh.”
Adam moved the mug and bottle out of the way before grabbing Lee to stand him up and guide him towards the bedroom. Lee gratefully leaned into Adam, feeling his familiar strength and his warmth.
In a minute, the two of them laid side by side in bed, and Adam breathed a sigh of relief to at long last not have the side of the bed be unoccupied. Lee quickly fell asleep and began to snore. In the morning, they would work out the logistics of their new relationship and Adam would spend the rest of his life spoiling Lee with all the beautiful things he deserved. For now, they shared each other's warmth and comfort that they had both so craved.
Upstairs, young Cal Trask laid wide awake. He had only heard bits of the conversation in the kitchen, and what he did here he could not begin to understand. Cal smiled, however. He was happy to hear that Lee was back, even if it did mean he now owed Aron money.