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The date was 23rd of December. Kevin was in the midst of an emergency.
It was, unfortunately, a self-inflicted one.
KAJ’s yearly gift exchange was tomorrow, and Kevin was still distressingly empty-handed.
The moment he came to that realisation in the middle of sipping his mid-afternoon rice porridge, he shoved the bowl in the fridge and drove to the nearest mall as fast as he could without breaking any traffic laws.
The worst part was, Kevin didn’t even have the excuse of ‘I forgot’, because he didn’t forget. He’s been thinking about it since November, but choice paralysis and having to buy gifts for his family members kept him busy, until in the blink of an eye – it was already the day before Christmas eve.
There was a reason why this kept happening every year.
Kevin’s never self-identified as a good gift giver. Don’t get him wrong, he’s far from selfish – always willing to lend a hand to someone in need, without having to be asked, without payment – but a gift? One singular optimal object, out of all the objects in the world, meant to encapsulate how much he appreciates someone in the jolliest time of the year?
It was too much for Kevin to handle. Too much!
But alas, he lived in a consumerist society, and thus he must consume.
Axel was, by nature, the hardest to get presents for. His taste in clothes (and everything else, really) got more expensive year by year. He’s famously picky and hard to please. If Kevin tried to get Axel something he think he’d like, Axel would thank him and fawn over his present like nothing was wrong. And then he’d make an unsubtle jab at him a few hours later about having terrible taste. Ouch.
Jakob was significantly more chill and less picky. In fact, he was so chill, he looped back around to being difficult. Kevin once straight up asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and it went a little something like this:
“What do you want for Christmas, Jakob?”
“I’m okay with anything.”
“Do you have anything specific in mind? Anything at all?”
“Not really. It’s up to you, man.”
“...”
So, yeah. Not very helpful.
At least Axel helped him narrow it down to a couple of categories with his choosiness. Kevin considered getting Jakob a box of assorted snacks, but he already supplied Jakob with snacks all year round. It’ll hardly be special.
He just so happened to walk past a perfume shop and spotted a new line of unisex fragrances, displayed front and center. These, perhaps? A bottle each for Axel and Jakob?
Wait – that’s basically telling them they stink! Kevin scrunched his nose in disapproval. Better stay clear of fragrances from now on.
Before he knew it, Kevin noticed he’d absentmindedly walked around the entire mall thrice-over with his hands glued into his pockets. He exhaled a frustrated sigh.
The huge red words ‘Christmas clearance sale!!!’ lured Kevin towards a large outlet store. It was mostly empty shelves, the best goods picked clean by eager shoppers in the weeks before, leaving the unpopular items to pile up.
Something caught Kevin’s interest. He stepped into the store for a closer inspection.
When he processed what it was, his hand flew to mouth, and a silent giggle tickled his palm.
This was perfect.
——
Kevin, Jakob, and Axel were hanging out at Jakob’s place, absolutely racking up his electricity bill with how high they’ve cranked up the temperature to seek refuge from the bone-deep winter chill.
They sat on the couch – Kevin in the middle, Axel and Jakob at his sides – taking in the pile of presents on the coffee table, as per tradition.
Jakob and Axel had already exchanged their presents because they simply couldn’t wait, while Kevin held back, doubt seeping into his spine.
“You’ll love what I got for you, Kevin.” Axel cheered, grabbing a large box-shaped present from the table and handing it to him. “Open it!”
Kevin elegantly cut the tape holding the wrapping paper with his penknife and pulled it open. Inside, was a cardboard box – the picture printed on the front told him it contained a stand mixer.
“You complained about your current mixer not working, so I got you a new one.” Axel explained enthusiastically while giving his knee excited little pats. “It should be an upgrade! Look, it’s bigger, it’s more powerful, it comes with all these different attachments –” Axel showed him the smaller pictures at the side of the box with a self-satisfied grin.
“Axel, I…” Not that Kevin wasn’t grateful, he really was, but he saw the brand of the mixer and felt his stomach drop. “...this can’t have been cheap.”
“Don’t worry about it!” Axel reassured. “As long as you pay me back with some of the cookies you’ll make, I’m good.”
Classic Axel. His budget for gifts was as large as his budget for jeans – mathematically infinite. He took Kevin’s needs and wants to heart, giving him something practical for his day-to-day, something he wanted but had been putting off on buying. And boy, Axel did not cheap out on it either. The quality of this mixer was top notch.
Kevin felt a warm glow radiate in his chest, spreading all the way to the tips of his fingers.
“Axel…I love it, thank you.” Kevin muttered, circling his fingers around Axel’s wrist, the same hand that was on his left knee.
“You’re fucking welcome.” Axel replied. But from his gentle smile and nonchalant shrug, Kevin could tell what he really meant – it’s no big deal, Kevin.
…there was no way his own gift came anywhere close to this level of thoughtfulness, was there?
Before Kevin could dwell too much on it, Jakob enthusiastically shoved his own present onto his lap. It was a vaguely round-looking thing that’s flat on the bottom. The shape made it tricky to work the wrapping paper around, but Kevin was sure Jakob tried his best.
Kevin ran his hands across the curved surface, mind racing to guess what it might be.
“What are you waiting for?” Jakob beamed, peering over his shoulder.
Kevin peeled off the tape holding the mystery object, and the paper fell apart in one swoop.
Jakob’s present turned out to be a helmet of some kind. Kevin grasped the helmet and lifted it up – what he held in his hands was a brand new ski helmet.
“Woah.” Kevin gasped in awe, turning it over to tug on the strong, yet comfortable feeling straps.
“No offense, but your current helmet looks like it belongs to a history museum.” Jakob joked.
“Yeah, it’s my dad’s.” Kevin giggled, recalling the multitude of scratches and a dent or two at the side. He knew he should’ve replaced it long ago, lest it failed to hold up mid-ski and he injured his head, but laziness always stopped him from doing so come ski season each year.
Wait.
Kevin suddenly recalled something odd that happened about two months ago.
“Jakob,” he began, turning his neck to look at Jakob’s wide, expectant eyes. “Was this why you were doing the thing?”
“What thing?” Jakob nervously said, eyes darting to the side like he’d just been caught doing something wrong.
“The thing.” Kevin teased with a smirk, tracing his fingers around his forehead to the back of his skull.
“Uh, yeah. That’s right.” Jakob giggled, a light shade of embarrassed pink dancing across his cheeks, while Axel snickered behind him.
– Some time ago…–
Kevin and Jakob were casually hanging out one day.
“Has anyone told you about how big your head is?” Jakob randomly brought up.
“Huh?” Kevin hummed intelligently, caught off guard by the odd question.
“I, for one, think it’s pretty big.” Jakob continued. “Can I measure it?”
“Um, why?” Kevin raised a confused eyebrow at him.
“I – uhh – it’s nothing weird.” Jakob stuttered. It was definitely something weird.
“I’m doing a head measuring contest, to see who’s got the biggest head!”
Kevin raised his other eyebrow in amusement.
“I’ve already measured Axel,” Jakob declared, then leaned towards him and whispered conspiratorially, “and personally, I think yours is bigger.”
Kevin chuckled at Jakob’s interesting choice of words.
“Sure,” he decided to entertain whatever Jakob was up to. Follow his lead, Kevin sat down on a chair as Jakob took his place behind him, pulling out a measuring tape and draping it around the circumference of his head.
“...and done.” Jakob announced. “Thanks Kevin!”
“Will you be telling me who won after you’re done measuring everyone’s heads?” Kevin teased, just to see how much deeper of a hole Jakob’s willing to dig himself into.
“In a way, yes.” Jakob responded. He then proceeded on to change the subject like nothing happened.
A few days later, Kevin brought up Jakob’s suspicious behaviour to Axel.
“Hey, did Jakob measure you recently?”
Axel almost did a spit take of his coffee.
“He did what?”
“He measured the size of my head. What else could he have possibly measured, Axel?” Kevin said, feigning innocence.
Axel gave his mug a long, conspicuous sip to avoid answering the question.
“So he was lying about having measured you.” Kevin wondered, drawing his brows into a frown. “What is he hiding?”
Suddenly, Axel’s eyebrows slid up his smooth forehead.
“Oh.” Axel realised.
“What is it?”
“Ah, it’s nothing.” Axel waved a dismissive hand at him. Kevin could tell – it wasn’t nothing. Axel and Jakob were plotting something together. But what?
Kevin also knew that trying to pry would result in the both of them running circles around him; it was totally futile. So, he let the curiosity simmer at the back of his mind in the months since, trusting that he’ll find out one day.
——
“You guys are ridiculous.” Kevin mused. Jakob threw his head back and hollered at the memory.
“I know, I wasn't very subtle…” Jakob giggled.
“‘Head-measuring contest’, really?” Axel jabbed.
“You try coming up with a believable excuse to measure someone’s head!”
“If I were you, I would have done it while Kevin was taking a nap.”
“Doesn’t matter, I got it in the end,” Jakob retorted, squeezing his thigh excitedly. “As long as he likes it,” he turned towards Kevin, who was struggling to process exactly how much premeditation Jakob was up to, just to get him a ski helmet that was a perfect fit for his head.
“Do you like it?” Jakob asked tentatively, eyes rounded in anticipation. Kevin could not resist but break his face into a wide smile.
“Of course I do!” he huffed, and his heart soared joyously as Jakob’s face lit up with pride. Jakob might be more conservative with his money, but that doesn’t make him any less thoughtful. Ever the perfectionist, he had to get his gift right, down to the very last detail, knowing for a fact that the fit of a ski helmet around one’s head was important for safety.
Kevin couldn’t wait to try it when spring arrived, where the sun started to laze high in the sky, the daylight lasting long enough for him to ski to his heart’s content, when the snow was plentifully thick without turning into sludge. He’s not great with selfies, but he’ll take one for Jakob’s sake, as a little token of appreciation.
Jakob grabbed the relatively smaller, flattened object off the table – Kevin’s gift for him – hands already vibrating in excitement.
Kevin felt his mouth run dry.
It seemed funny at the time when he bought it yesterday, but after seeing the jaw-dropping amount of effort (and money) Jakob and Axel put in just for him…it didn’t feel so funny anymore.
“I want you two to open yours at the same time.” Kevin suggested while handing Axel’s gift to him. Maybe they’ll find it more humorous that way.
“You gave us matching presents?” Axel implored, to which Kevin nodded apprehensively.
He held his breath as the two of them tore away the paper and unfolded their gifts – matching sweaters, both coloured KAJ green.
Axel pushed his glasses up to observe the design at the front of his sweater.
Kevin braced himself for…awkward laughter, a disappointed pout, a sarcastic jab, maybe – something that told him Axel expected more from him, and he fell short by a lot.
“This is fucking perfect!” Axel cried, quite on the contrary.
“Really?”
“Yes!”
The sweater, turns out, featured the body of a tiny Santa on the front from the neck down, which meant whoever wore the sweater would complete the image, becoming the comically large head atop the small Santa body.
“It’s a long story, but I’ve sort of become the designated Santa of my family.” Axel explained.
“Why am I not surprised?” Jakob cackled.
“Last year, my aunt put a Christmas hat and fake beard on me and told my cousins to whisper their wishes into my ear.” Axel continued, smoothly ignoring Jakob’s insult calling him old.
“This year, she texted me a picture of the same hat and beard, saying ‘you wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids, would you?’”
“Damn, that sounds like a threat.” Jakob commented.
“How’s that relevant to the sweater, though?” Kevin asked.
“She didn’t commit fully and buy a Santa costume, so she made me wear one of her red coats.”
Axel ran a hand down the front of the sweater, his lips graced with a wistful grin. “This…the kids would love this!”
“You’re telling me you were gender neutral Santa all along?” Jakob gasped.
Axel shot him a baffled look. “What are you talking about?”
“Do neither of you remember gender neutral Santa?”
Axel and Kevin shook their heads.
“But it was really funny…” Jakob whined. He deflated his whole body into the couch cushions in defeat.
Kevin had not the foggiest idea as to what obscure reference Jakob was trying to make.
“Did they pay you for your Santa services, at least?”
“They compensate me with plenty of food!” Axel laughed “I can’t accept any form of currency, okay? That will be considered undeclared income and the tax collector will hunt me down.” Axel’s face drooped into a wide-eyed, traumatised look at the thought of taxes.
Jakob lazily tugged the sweater onto himself and pulled on the fabric to look down at the design.
“I may not be as patient of a Santa as Axel, but at least I’ll be cute.” he wondered out loud, absolutely fishing for compliments.
Kevin could not help but bite.
“I think you’re the cutest Santa in the whole world.” Kevin said, raising his hand up to ruffle Jakob’s hair.
“Ohmygod you’re so right!” Jakob gasped dramatically, eyes sparkling, bringing both hands up to sandwich his face.
“Please tell me you got one for yourself!” Axel pleaded.
“I did.” Kevin said. He opened his bag to pull out yet another identical sweater, and put it on himself at Axel’s instruction.
They were now three tiny KAJ Santas in their matching green sweaters.
Naturally, Axel grabbed his phone to commemorate this momentous occasion with a selfie.
Jakob rushed to be by Axel’s side, kneeling on the floor in front of the couch and putting himself in frame. Axel slung his free arm around Jakob's shoulder, pinching Jakob’s cheek until his already wide smile stretched even wider. Kevin scooted to Axel’s left, hovering his hand upwards to make a peace sign that peeked over Axel’s head, giving him little bunny ears.
Axel shaped his mouth into a dashing smile, angled the camera to highlight the small Santas, and began filling up his phone storage with dozens of selfies. Kevin could picture him posting the most unflattering one on their Facebook page, captioned:
Hire three adorable KAJ Santas to perform at your grandchildren’s Christmas party for the low low price of 4000€! (*not sold separately)
As tinkling laughter filled the merry atmosphere, Kevin was almost sure his best friends enjoyed his gifts. But there was a bitter itch at the back of his brain that refused to subside despite the evidence; that if he let it fester, would swell into a migraine when next Christmas draws near.
Putting his own presents beside Axel and Jakob’s, the difference was night and day. They put in so much more thought into their presents than he did, determined to outdo themselves every single year just to make him happy. Kevin knew it was the capitalist hegemony speaking, but they both spent on him like their wallets were bottomless, while he bought them sweaters on clearance, for goodness sake! Yet here they were, joking and giggling like he was anywhere near their level, like he was worth their time. Why?
Kevin couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Hey guys…” he whispered. “If you don’t like what I gave you, there’s no need to pretend. Just be honest with me.”
Axel and Jakob’s laughter died down as they glanced at him, concern hanging heavy in the silence.
“I know I don’t, um, I’m not good at this…but if you’re disappointed, tell me.” Kevin's voice wavered out of his control. “It will be a wake-up call. I promise I’ll do better next time…”
“Oh, Kevin, it’s not like that at all –” Jakob surged up and grabbed both his shoulders, like he was prepared to shake Kevin back into reality.
“I didn’t give you these presents because I expect something of equal worth from you! I just – I do it because I want to. Is that so hard to believe?”
Kevin stared deep into Jakob’s boundless eyes. He’s never been a good liar. What was coming from him was nothing but the complete, honest truth.
“That’s how I feel as well.” Axel agreed. “It would be nice to receive something I want, but I could just buy it for myself. For me, it’s the act of giving that brings the most joy – figuring out what someone might appreciate, making them smile…”
Axel gazed at Kevin softly, a dreamy sigh escaping his lips. “...isn’t that what Christmas is about?”
Normally, Kevin would poke fun at Axel for being too corny, but he found himself unable to shake off the rising warmth in his chest. As shitty as his gift was, Axel and Jakob did truly appreciate it, and it certainly made them smile.
It wasn’t like Christmas with his extended family, where unspoken expectations about his career, love life, and well, life in general hung thick in the air, all the judgement condensed upon the presents he got for them each Christmas. He was with Axel and Jakob, his friends, with whom he’s free to let loose, be unabashedly himself around, flaws and all.
“Hypothetically speaking,” Kevin tested the waters. “If I came next year with nothing, how would you react?”
“I’d start calling you the mime Santa.” Jakob immediately crunched his eyebrows, mimed throwing an imaginary sack of presents over his shoulder, and stroked his nonexistent beard. “That’s Santa’s secret French brother who gives invisible presents.”
“The naughtiest children don’t even get coal, they get a visit from mime Santa!” Axel chimed in.
“Wouldn’t that make us the naughtiest of children?”
“Jakob, I am not naughty!”
“I dunno, tax evasion seems naughty to me.”
“Shh…” Axel stuck a finger onto Jakob’s mouth to shut him up.
“Santa doesn’t have to know.” he warned darkly.
Kevin doubled over in bubbling laughter brought forth by the utterly nonsensical conversation happening before him. His boys could make a joke out of literally anything, no matter how inane, and it never failed to tickle his funny bone.
That laughter, in the end, was the cure to his insecurities; soothing the doubts that had plaguing his him all this time
“Thanks…I – I don’t know what to say.” Kevin stammered.
“There’s no need to.” Axel replied.
“Feeling better?” Jakob asked. Kevin gave him an affirmative hum. But that wasn’t enough – Kevin encircled his torso with his arms and pulled him into a tight hug, to show him how grateful he really was, both for his present and for helping him up when he’s feeling down.
Kevin saw a flash of jealousy (??) make its way across Axel’s face. He flicked eyebrows at him to taunt him into joining the hug. Axel of course falls for it, launching himself onto them until they were a KAJ pile stacked messily on the couch. Kevin was rendered breathless, both from laughter and his friend’s combined weight squeezing the air out of his lungs.
“So,” Jakob brought up, now that Kevin was well and truly trapped. “Whose present do you like more?”
Kevin groaned. There we go again…
Every year since they started exchanging gifts for Christmas, Jakob and Axel liked to bring an element of competition to the table by asking him to choose between their gifts. Unwilling to play favourites, he said he liked both equally. Every time, Jakob would accuse him of trying to spare their feelings by lying, and Axel would smack him in the arm and tell him to make up his mind already.
Kevin did have a preference this time round. Perhaps…it was time to be honest.
“I’m sorry Jakob, but I prefer the mixer. I still really like your helmet though!” Kevin tried to soften the blow, bracing himself for the hurt he’ll inevitably cause –
Jakob laughed.
What?
Jakob slipped out from between Axel and Kevin, tumbled onto the floor, and continued not only laughing raucously but also pumping his fists and chanting ‘YES!’ while jumping up and down.
“Kevin, what have you done?” Axel groaned.
“What’s going on?” Kevin exhaled. Axel gave a deeply dejected sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“We made a bet.”
“What kind of bet?”
Jakob bounced over to Axel and held out a hand.
“Pay up, Axel!” he announced in a sing-song voice, an insufferable grin stretching his lips.
Axel opened his wallet and reluctantly handed him a 10 euro note.
Jakob knitted his eyebrows and beckoned his fingers, asking, no, extorting more out of him.
“Fine.” Axel seethed, giving him another 10 euro.
“AHAHAHA suck it! You lost!” Jakob snatched it away and gleefully rubbed his victory onto Axel’s displeased face.
Kevin still didn’t know what the hell was going on.
“I bet that you’d prefer Axel’s gift.” Jakob explained.
“You made a bet against yourself? Why would you do that?” Kevin quizzed, unable to comprehend Jakob’s motives.
“An expert gambler never reveals his secrets.” Jakob blinked both his eyes audaciously hard.
“Axel, what did you –”
“Every single year, you said you liked both of ours an equal amount,” Axel fumed, visibly shaking in anger. “And the one year I put money on it, you fucking change your mind? How dare you.”
Kevin smiled mockingly, tilted his head, and poured fuel to the flames.
“I think that one might be on you, Axel. Sorry.”
“Kevin, you goddamn – ngh…” Axel jumped off him as if he was too angry to even touch him.
Kevin only chuckled in response, because one, Axel wasn’t that mad, he’s playing up his temper in good fun. Two, there was much fun to be had in teasing Axel until he’s flustered and out of insults to shoot.
“That smug bastard deserves what’s coming to him next year…” Axel hissed.
“ACHOO!”
A sound barrier-breaking sneeze made both of them jump out of their seats in fright. Kevin snapped his head towards Jakob, who was putting his winnings in his backpack.
“Heard you guys talking shit about about me.” Jakob grinned, nose flushed red.
“No!” Kevin denied. But Axel remained silent, giving Jakob a nefarious glare, and Jakob’s smile curled into a mischievous smirk in response.
Are they working with or against each other? Somehow both, at the same time?
Whatever strange gift-measuring contest was going on between them, as long as the presents kept on coming, Kevin enjoyed getting spoiled as the center of it all.
A high-pitched ding sound broke Axel and Jakob’s stare-off. Kevin saw Jakob perk up and sniff the air.
“Looks like the bread’s warmed up!” he whooped – and before Kevin could react – dashed into the kitchen to retrieve the food. Not long after, Jakob was back with a plate of saffron bread in hand.
Kevin took a piece, not caring that it was hot enough to burn his fingers if he held it for too long. Jakob, in the meantime, pulled out a bottle of chocolate sauce from nowhere and squeezed it onto his bread, smothering the soft yellow thing in chocolate and drowning out its original taste.
Kevin refrained from judgement. His bread, his rules.
“You want some?” Kevin offered his to Axel when he noticed that he didn’t touch the bread.
“No thanks.” Axel replied, patting his stomach. “I’m saving space for dinner.”
Kevin knew the truth – Axel thought himself above eating store-bought saffron bread that’s been sitting around in Jakob’s fridge for longer than he’d like.
Kevin shrugged and popped a piece into his mouth.
“Who cares, it's Christmas!” Jakob sputtered in between his noisy, open-mouthed chewing.
Who cares, it’s Christmas indeed.
