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fact: kim seokjin is perfect.
fact: min yoongi is not.
yoongi knows this better than anyone. he repeats it to himself every time he wakes up, every time seokjin gives him one of the special “only for yoongi” smiles that make yoongi’s heart do a weird little dance in his chest, every time seokjin does that laugh-and-clap when yoongi says something that’s only vaguely funny. he repeats it to remind himself that seokjin is better than yoongi in every fathomable way but despite that, seokjin still chooses him.
(but only as a best friend. the only time it becomes something more is in yoongi’s head, and maybe at two a.m when they both can’t sleep and seokjin lets yoongi slip into his bed. yoongi’s head always ends up nestled on seokjin’s chest while he watches him scroll through social media. seokjin doesn’t talk about it. yoongi doesn’t either. it’s just something they do. )
“yoongi, are you waking up anytime soon?” seokjin says, popping his head into their shared bedroom. yoongi groans and pulls the blankets tighter around his head. the only thing exposed is his crown of hair, blonde and a little fried. yoongi is almost certain seokjin is rolling his eyes. scratch the ‘almost’, he’s never been more sure of anything in his life.
“you need to eat,” seokjin tuts. yoongi actually has a regular eating schedule now thanks to his roommate, but seokjin always acts like the world is ending whenever he has to skip a meal. “and shower, probably, knowing you.”
“let me be disgusting,” yoongi moans into his pillow, but he knew getting more sleep was a fruitless effort as soon as seokjin came into the room.
“hmm, let me consider that for a moment: no. now get up, it’s like three p.m.” yoongi hears footsteps traversing over the carpet and then there’s a hand on his back, seokjn’s hand, rubbing a harsh circle. “get up and i’ll make you whatever you want.”
yoongi rolls onto his back, expecting seokjin’s hand to move, but it stays there, comfortingly warm and heavy against his belly. “anything?” he questions, cracking one eye open.
seokjin sighs, not for the first time. “you heard me. i can’t believe i’m rewarding you for getting out of bed before five p.m.” he pats yoongi’s stomach twice, first gently, and then roughly when he doesn’t move. “up, now. no more lazy yoongi. lazygi. laugh at that or i’ll spit in your food.” yoongi coughed out a weak ha and watched seokjin exit their room. he hung back for a moment, though, looking back at yoongi with one hand on the doorframe.
“you need to get yourself together, yoongi. this is happening way too often,” seokjin says softly. he hangs there for a moment- expecting a response? yoongi’s mind is blank. finally he sighs, not for the first time since yoongi woke up. “see you in a minute.”
his mind is heavy as he scrubs his hair in the shower, working the shampoo into a much thicker lather than strictly necessary. get yourself together, yoongi. he knows that. he knows he has to work harder on himself instead of his music. he’s an adult in age only; without seokjin, where would he be? in his parent’s basement, probably, if they would even let him back in the house. he can’t function on his own. it’s not fair to make seokjin be the one who always cleans up the mess that is min yoongi. he wants- he wants to try harder. he wants to wake up when seokjin wakes up. he wants to be good enough for him. he wants, he wants, he wants.
he swears as shampoo trickles down into his eye. he can’t even shower correctly on his own. no wonder seokjin is getting sick of his shit.
when he wanders out of the bathroom with fresh clothes on, there’s the distinct smell of something good cooking wafting in the air. yoongi can hear seokjin humming and the gentle thump of a knife against a cutting board. usually the sounds would fill yoongi with a homey domestic warmth that he never felt in his childhood home, but today, with seokjin’s disappointment fresh in his mind, it just makes him guilty that seokjin is doing something nice for him again.
“he’s finally left his lair,” seokjin says with a little smile, looking up from the cutting board full of chopped onions briefly to look at yoongi. “i’m making soup. you’ll like it.”
“i know i will,” yoongi says, because he always likes whatever seokjin makes. seokjin smiles at him, brighter this time because he loves compliments. yoongi tries to pretend that complimenting seokjin isn’t one of his favorite hobbies. he’s written four songs about seokjin’s face and how it changes when it smiles and they will never ever see the light of day.
---
seokjin sets a bowl beside yoongi’s laptop and gently pushes a hand against the back of it, silently telling yoongi to save whatever he was working on and fast before seokjin shut it. he had a strict no work at the table rule. yoongi followed it as best he could, but he ended up eating a lot of meals guiltily in his room. “if you don’t eat all of it i’ll kick you out of the apartment,” seokjin says faux-sternly. they both know he’s too sweet to follow through with that. (and besides; yoongi pays most of the rent. at least he’s good at making money.)
“if i get fat it’s because of you,” yoongi says, for probably the hundredth time.
“good. you get less hostile when you get thicker. it’s for the good of the people around you.” seokjin squeezes yoongi’s waist with one hand and yoongi’s cheeks go red as he slumps over and stares deep into the bowl like it’s going to tell him his future. he decides that he likes it very much when seokjin touches him there.
“plus, it’s cute,” seokjin says casually, like it’s nothing, like it doesn’t make yoongi’s heart try to escape his body through his throat. it probably is nothing to him. “when you don’t eat you get bony and then you use your elbows as weapons and it’s so not fair. my point is that you need to stop whining and eat.” yoongi does as he’s told because even if seokjin doesn’t know it, he has him totally whipped.
it’s good. of course it’s good. everything seokjin does is good. he watches seokjin sit across from him and chatter lightly about nothing in particular. yoongi gets a little lost watching seokjin’s beautiful thick lips form vowels and consonants and god knows what else. then, of course, he feels guilty for not paying attention, which snowballs into guilt from earlier about being a mess that seokjin has to spend all of his time cleaning up. yoongi stirs his soup idly and stares at seokjin without really seeing him. seokjin notices. he always notices. it just makes the guilty knot in yoongi’s stomach tie itself tighter.
“what’s up, yoongi?” seokjin asks gently, leaning on his elbows across the table. “you got quiet...er than usual. still tired?”
“nah. yes. i don’t know. i’m always tired.”
“maybe if you didn’t stay up all night-”
“i can’t do my work when the sun is out,” yoongi interrupts, voice quiet but firm. “i have to stay up all night. it’s not- it’s not easy for me like it is for you, i can’t just will myself to have a healthy sleeping schedule and keep track of all my meals and clean the toilet regularly and be a fucking normal adult. i don’t know why and i’m- sorry, i guess.”
“you’re sorry?”
“i’m sorry. you always feel like you have to take care of me and babysit me like you’re my goddamn mother or something.”
“i don’t feel like have i to take care of you.” but yoongi knows seokjin better than anything on this earth, and he can tell when he’s lying by the way his head tilts just a tad, his eyes widening in a way that would convince anyone else that he’s innocent.
yoongi swallows roughly and gets up from the table, tossing his bowl in the sink. “i think i’m going to go to namjoon’s for a bit.”
“don’t do that.” seokjin followed him in. of course he followed him in. “i know what that means. what did i say?” yoongi shrugs noncommittally and grabs his jacket from the chair before heading towards the door, seokjin hot on his heels.
“yoongi, please-”
“i feel like a gigantic burden all the time. i probably wouldn’t survive without you and that’s so pathetic and i feel bad because i don’t do anything for you in return other than, what? paying the rent? you’re right. i need to get myself together.” he swallows, glad his face is turned towards the door so seokjin can’t see that his eyes are getting glassy. “i’m going to namjoon’s. i’ll be back in a couple of hours, probably.”
“yoongi, don’t. ” yoongi looks down as pretty crooked fingers wrap tightly around his wrist, and then back at seokjin. his lip is quivering so lightly that only someone who knows his face as well as yoongi would notice it. yoongi studies seokjin’s face like a textbook; he can tell when he’s hurting. “yoongi, don’t go to namjoon’s. please. i’m sorry if you feel like- like a burden, but you’re not, you never have been. i take care of you because i lo- i like to. i like making sure you’re safe. just don’t go to namjoon’s. i hate when you do that. please.”
silence.
“ please, ” seokjin repeats, voice cracking on one of the syllables. “i know what that means. i’m not stupid. i hate-i hate how you get when you come back from namjoon’s. please just- just stay. stay. okay?” his hand, somehow, has traveled from yoongi’s wrist to his hand, the pretty fingers that yoongi has admired for so long entangling themselves with yoongi’s. “okay?” seokjin asks again, hand tightening around yoongi’s.
yoongi chews on the dry skin of his lower lip. seokjin’s lips are never dry because he has chapstick like a normal human being. yoongi knows far too much about seokjin's lips. “i don’t know.”
“i do. don’t- don’t go to namjoon’s. or at least not without me. we can watch a movie or something. or chopped? you like chopped, don’t you? i want to help, yoongi, please,” seokjin says softly, pulling yoongi closer to him by his hand. it’s happening so fast, seokjin’s chest in yoongi’s face until that’s all he can smell and see, senses blind to everything but the pink of his shirt and the warm vanilla of his skin. yoongi’s arms have forgotten how to work and hang limp and useless at his sides, but that’s ok, because seokjin does the work for both of them, like he always does. he wraps his arms around yoongi’s middle tightly, holding him tight like yoongi’s a broken vase that he’s struggling to glue back together.
“i don’t think i’ve been okay for a really long time,” yoongi confesses into seokjin’s chest.
“i know,” seokjin says, and it should sound rude but coming from seokjin’s mouth it doesn’t. “it’s okay. i mean, it’s not okay, but- look, i’m just sorry i made you feel bad because i know it’s hard for you, even if i don’t understand why sometimes. i shouldn’t pretend like i understand. i know you’re not lazy, okay? i just get so worried and you know how i get when i’m worried.”
“yeah,” yoongi agrees softly. “you get kinda mean.”
“i’ll work on that. will you work on trying to sleep at a normal hour?” seokjin’s hand is rubbing warm circles into his back which is making it hard to concentrate on the words coming out of his mouth. yoongi slumps against him and nods.
“are you still going to namjoon’s?” seokjin asks, voice layered with something that sounds almost like nervousness. “i shouldn’t have told you not to. i’m not your mom. i was just… afraid you wouldn’t come back. because you were mad.”
“mad? i never get mad at you. you know that.” yoongi’s insides still feel like a lava lamp, especially since a few of seokjin's fingers have edged up under the hem of his shirt, lightly stroking up and down the base of his spine. yoongi looks up at seokjin, resting his chin on his chest.
“let's watched chopped,” yoongi says. it's a peace offering, and an apology. seokjin's fingers still and he nods with a knowing smile.
“let's,” he says, and yoongi wonders for the millionth time how he get so incredibly lucky.
---
“i don't fuss over you because i feel like i have to,” seokjin says suddenly. yoongi is nestled tightly against his side. halfway through the show seokjin slung his arm around him and yoongi felt like he forgot how to breathe. yoongi looks up at him, eyes urging him to continue. “i like it, you know. i wouldn’t do it if i didn’t like it. even if you were on top of things all the time i would still make your meals and nag you and… i don’t know. i just like taking care of you.”
“well,” yoongi says quietly. “i sorta like when you fuss over me. i haven’t eaten cup noodles in months thanks to you. i just… i feel like a big weight you have to drag around all the time.” seokjin rolls his eyes (could he stop doing that) and grabs yoongi’s face gently, squeezing his cheeks in between his long fingers so yoongi is forced to look at him.
“listen to me. you have never, ever been a burden. i do wish you would care about yourself more, but you’ve never weighed me down. i like seeing you happy and healthy and safe. okay?” seokjin asks, voice turning somber. “i'll prove it to you if i have to. you- you mean a lot to me, yoongi. you take care of me too, even if it's not in the same way that i take care of you.”
“i don't-”
“you’re really going to make me list all of the things? fine. you always shut off your computer as soon as i get in bed because you know the light bothers me, even if it was something important. you have dinner heated up for me when i get home from work even though you hide in our room and pretend you didn't do it. oh, and remember that time you looked up how to do massages just for me since i have to stand up all day at work-”
“i get it,” yoongi cuts in with a blush. that last one was more for his own benefit than seokjin's. he got to put his hands on seokjin's bare back for ten glorious minutes before seokjin fell asleep and ended the whole thing. afterwards yoongi let himself brush his fingers up and down seokjin's back because seokjin made little pleased noises whenever he hit a sensitive spot. it was a good day.
“do you? i don't want you to say you're fine just to shut me up-”
“i'm serious. i understand. you can let go of my face now.”
“stop interrupting me, kid,” seokjin says with false irritation, but he stops squeezing yoongi's cheeks.
---
“yoongi? “ seokjin whispers into the darkness of their room. yoongi perks up groggily. he was awake, but only barely. hearing seokjin's voice helped wake him up a bit.
“yeah?” yoongi says softly, propping himself up on his elbow so he can make out seokjin's form in the darkness.
seokjin sighs out loud and yoongi hears fabric rustle. “never mind. sorry, i was just… checking.”
“checking on what?”
seokjin hesitates so hard that yoongi can almost hear it. “could you…?” he doesn't have to finish. yoongi understands; this isn't the first time seokjin has asked.
“yeah. yeah, of course.” yoongi rolls himself out of the warm cocoon of blankets he made for himself and pads across the carpet to seokjin's bed. seokjin is broad and tall and the bed only barely suits his frame, but yoongi is small and he definitely doesn't mind the tight squeeze. seokjin holds the blankets back while yoongi slips into bed with him, then pulls it back over them both, messing with the comforter.
“what happened?” yoongi asks, because seokjin always fusses when he's upset. “bad dream, right?”
“the worst,” seokjin confesses. “sorry. i just- wanted to make sure you were here.”
“where else would i be, dumbass?” yoongi teases lightly, poking seokjin's stomach.
“you died. in my dream,” seokjin adds, voice muffled by the pillow. yoongi can only barely make out the planes of his face. “which is fine, everyone dreams about their loved ones dying, but it was extra extra awful because it was my fault. i think. it felt like my fault.” his voice is tight, like he's trying very hard to control himself. yoongi wonders just how bad the dream was. only a tiny part of him dwells on the fact that seokjin called him a loved one.
“did you murder me or something? that would never happen, seokjin, you're too..” yoongi can't finish the sentence. too sweet , he was going to say.
“no! no, oh my god. no, i think i started a fight or something, or maybe you did, but i- i lost my temper and you went to namjoon's and you didn't come back. then the dream kind of cut and the next thing i knew i was identifying your body at a morgue because you guys had gotten out of control and into a car crash or something, i don't know,” seokjin says in a jumbled rush. the pillow they're sharing is becoming damp on yoongi's end and he realizes seokjin is crying, too quietly and discreetly for him to even notice. yoongi reaches out blindly and manages to stumble upon seokjin's cheek. sure enough, it's wet with tears.
“it's okay, jinnie,” yoongi says quickly, mildly panicking because he is not the comforting type, at least not verbally. “i'm right here, see? did you ask me to stay? in the dream?”
“yeah,” seokjin breathes out. “i think.”
“exactly. i would never leave if you asked me to stay,” yoongi says firmly, brushing more tears away with his thumb.
“but today, when we were arguing and you almost left- that could've gone the way it did in my dream.”
“but it didn't. and it's never going to. i'm too lazy to die, jinnie.” yoongi doesn't use the nickname often because it makes butterflies erupt in his stomach, but it never fails to make jin smile because of how ridiculous it is.
“true. you're going to outlive us all.” seokjin says with a miserable little laugh. it's a start, at least. “i would never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me. so don't do anything stupid.”
“when do i ever?”
“i could list at least fourty-eight separate occasions off the top of my head.” and just like that, seokjin is fine. he's so hot and cold. yoongi pulls his hand off of seokjin's cheek and turns over now that he knows seokjin isn't going to have an emotional breakdown anytime soon.
to his surprise, seokjin doesn't let him go too far. “you're going to fall off the bed,” he murmurs, wrapping his arm around yoongi's waist and setting a hand firmly over his stomach. the touch of his fingers through yoongi's thin pajama shirt is lighting miniature fires all over his skin. yoongi takes a moment to thank god he's facing away from seokjin. he thanks god even harder when seokjin pulls him closer so they're back to chest. they're honest to god spooning now, something that had only occurred in yoongi's most grossly mushy dreams.
you need to tell him. this thought comes at least twice per day, usually when seokjin is touching him in ways that could be considered more than just platonic. he won't be upset. but if he does get upset, yoongi loses the only good thing in his life. tell him. seokjin's breath is hot against the shell of his ear and yoongi imagined tilting his head back so seokjin's lips touch the skin there. it suddenly becomes so unbearable, the act of keeping it a secret.
once it's out, yoongi will finally be able to stop obsessing over this. he can move on.
“yoongi?” seokjin says, as yoongi says “seokjin?”
“oops. you can- you can go first.”
“no-” yoongi starts, but if he doesn't do it now, he never ever will. he considers turning around in seokjin's arms but he doubts he has the self control to refrain from kissing him. “ok. um, i don't really know how to say this, because this is like some teen romance movie level bullshit. like, ridiculously angsty. remember when i told you i'm bi?”
seokjin laughs. “yeah. you read word for word from a wiki how on how to come out to your friends until you got too lazy to read it and said “fuck it, i’m bisexual, can we go get lunch now?” i remember.”
“yeah, ok, so, i wasn't really planning on ever coming out because it didn't really matter much? like, i don't really… feel anything, for anyone. romantically, or, you know. but i had this crazy idea that if i told you i liked guys too,” yoongi said, pausing to lick his lips because his mouth has never been more dry in his life. “you would say something like 'great, me too, i'm in love with you, let's get married’ or something like that. because i was like… very intensely in love with you. still am, if i'm being honest. so, do with that what you will. just, uh, just putting that out there.” yoongi closes his eyes and waits for the inevitable awkwardness to follow. seokjin is definitely not going to want him in his bed anymore after this.
“god,” seokjin said. “you talk so slow. i was waiting for you to finish so i could tell you i'm in love with you too. a lot.”
yoongi freezes. “ok,” yoongi says, turning over very slowly. “i'm going to need you to run that by me one more time.”
“i love you too,” seokjin repeats. yoongi has never experienced an aneurysm before but he imagines that it feels something like this. the sirens in his brain are going off full blast warning him to abort this mission before all of his nerves fry. “not like a friend. it's in the 'i want to kiss you a lot’ way. that's the kind you meant too, right?”
“oh,” yoongi breathes. “i wasn't expecting that. fuck you, seokjin, why didn't you tell me like two years ago?” he says, thinking a gentle hand against seokjin's chest with a gummy smile on his face.
“i only figured it out like four months ago. i've probably been in love with you for years, i just had more trouble wrapping my brain around it than you did. better late than never, right?”
yoongi thumps his fist against the mattress. “ shit. i could've been kissing you for years now.”
“then we should start making up for lost time. now, maybe,” seokjin suggests. yoongi's whole body is burning bright red, probably visible even in the dark.
seokjin takes charge, and thank god because yoongi is basically useless at this point. he didn't think he would get this far. he starts off slow, edges his hand under yoongi's shirt and grips his hip in a soft-yet-firm way that makes yoongi's skin crawl in excitement. his thumb rubs a gentle circle into his hipbone while he leans forward and presses a soft kiss to yoongi's cheek. it's so lame but it's all yoongi's ever wanted.
“i think about kissing your cheek a lot,” seokjin confesses softly, lips brushing against yoongi's ear in a way that's too messy to be intentional. that makes it even better, knowing that seokjin is too excited to control his actions. “it's cute and soft like you.”
“it's been five minutes and you're already becoming too gay to function,” yoongi mumbles, breaking off into a soft sigh when seokjin's hand climbs farther up his side. his hand rotates between rubbing delicate little circles into the middle of his back and brushing his fingers over his ribcage. (aforementioned ribcage is far from visible anymore, thanks to seokjin's cooking.)
“i can promise you it's going to get worse.” seokjin presses a soft kiss to the gentle curve of yoongi's jaw, teeth skimming it as he pulls away.
“stop playing games and really kiss me,” yoongi whines, jumping as seokjin's hand brushes his chest and stops there.
“were you born in a barn?” seokjin chides teasingly. “manners, yoongi.”
“ please kiss me, jinnie.” that got him. yoongi knew it would. seokjin inhales a little like he just received an electric shock.
yoongi isn't exaggerating when he feels the world begin to stop. seokjin is smiling as he presses his lips to his, warm and soft and thick against yoongi's, kissing him like they're teenagers hiding from their parents, close mouthed and chaste but ridiculously enthusiastic. yoongi's lips part slightly of their own accord and seokjin takes it and runs with it, moving in sync with him and introducing him to a world that yoongi had only dreamed about. it's sweet and soft and fiercely caring and just a tad awkward, much like seokjin himself, and yoongi wouldn't have it any other way.
yoongi is the one to break away first, as much it pains him, but he has business to attend to. seokjin's hand holds tight to his waist as he gets up from the bed and settles himself on top of seokjin instead, planting himself firmly on his hips.
“i can reach you better like this,” yoongi explains, dipping down low to kiss him again. both of seokjin's pretty hands grip his waist, shirt rucked up under his chest.
“pretty view,” seokjin comments lightly.
“get used to it,” yoongi says, squirming as seokjin digs his fingers in a little deeper. “because i refuse to move until i've taken all the kissing i could've had if you had figured out your sexuality sooner. sounds good?”
“sounds perfect. let's get started.”
fact: kim seokjin is perfect.
fact: min yoongi is not.
but maybe, he realizes as seokjin is assaulting his neck with his mouth, yoongi never had to be perfect. he just had to be enough.