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It’s always the stars that Kyungsoo goes back to.
His childhood room is a collage of neon lights and glow in the dark stars, creating a starburst of spectrum whenever his mother turns the lights out as he pretends to fake sleep. He stays up just to stare at it, pretending to map out constellations from his very own night sky. The image glues itself to the back of his eyelids even when he’s asleep. And it conjures up a beautiful array of dreams of floating in space every time.
But nothing compares to actually staring at the night sky, sneaking in his parents’ bedroom whenever he gets the chance because the roof outside offers a spectacular view of the night sky. He misses it so much because now all he’s got is light pollution and these flickering city lights outside his window ever since he’s moved from Gyeonggi-do to Seoul.
Plus, it’s not like he’s got time to do that anymore. He’s got classes to pass and a scholarship to live up to. He finds it funny. Quite ironic, really. He’s an Astronomy major yet he barely sees the stars anymore.
But during the difficult times, whenever he’s barely passed finals, whenever he feels lonely, it’s always the stars that Kyungsoo goes back to. There are only a number of stars, still countless, but not like the night sky he liked to look at as a kid, but it doesn’t matter. He can still pretend he’s a million light years away like they are.
It’s always the stars that Kyungsoo goes back to. And it always will be.
Kyungsoo meets Baekhyun in an observatory, a couple miles away from the city. It was a suggestion from their professor. Said that Seoul’s got one a few minutes away from the city, where there’s less light pollution and more stars visible in the sky.
Baekhyun’s a professor’s assistant, accompanying his professor for a quick lab tour and managing to sneak out along the way. He’d stood between Jupiter and Saturn, looking up in awe at the models and the lights illuminating his face and Kyungsoo had never seen anyone look at celestial bodies the same way he did before.
The flickering lights flicked off and in a minute, Baekhyun was standing in front of him with a smile on his face.
“Hello.” he had grinned, bright, beaming. “Noticed you were the only one here who looks the same age as me.”
Kyungsoo had blinked wide eyes at him, adjusting his glasses to the tip of his nose. “Hello,” he responded curtly. “It’s nice to meet you. My name’s Kyungsoo.”
“My name’s Byun Baekhyun.” the room bursts to a supernova. “It’s nice to meet you too.”
They toured the observatory and caught the train together, after that.
Baekhyun, Kyungsoo finds out, is only a couple months older than him. He’s taking up Meteorology in one of the state universities, a ride or two away from Kyungsoo’s very own. He’s a fan of video games. He likes to laugh and make people laugh. He’s got a mole above his upper lip.
Baekhyun asks to meet Kyungsoo in Kyungsoo’s university café two weeks after they meet, after Baekhyun handed over his phone to Kyungsoo before he got out of the train for the younger to type in his number. “I’m taking up an elective in Astronomy,” Baekhyun had grinned that same grin, “Who knows when I’ll need someone to explain to me about the red shift?”
So here he is, sitting in front of the café, holding a book they’re supposed to read by Thursday and sipping his coffee. Black. No sugar. It’s how he likes it.
“Kyungsoo!”
It startles Kyungsoo to see Baekhyun just like this, clad in his university sweatshirt and black pants, far from how Kyungsoo saw him in the observatory before: lab coats and black shirts and looking like a serious student. Now, Baekhyun looks so carefree as the wind blows and tangles his hair.
“Did you wait for long?” Baekhyun asks, taking a seat in front of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo uses a finger to bookmark the page he’s currently reading and removes his glasses.
“Not really,” Kyungsoo says, folding his glasses and placing it on the table, beside Baekhyun’s fingers. “It doesn’t matter. My book kept me company.”
“Huh,” Baekhyun says. “Maybe I should bring a book to keep me company too whenever I get stood up on dates.”
Kyungsoo cracks a smile at that, smiling at the way Baekhyun laughs after the sentence, indicating that it’s a joke, but he’s looking at Baekhyun and wondering how anyone would even choose to not show up on a date with him.
“You’ve got a nice laugh.” Baekhyun smiles. “What time is it, by the way?”
Baekhyun’s fingers clasp his wrist, turning Kyungsoo’s hand so he can look at the watch. And Kyungsoo is distracted. He already knows Baekhyun’s touchy, what with the way Baekhyun held Kyungsoo’s arm in excitement in the observatory when they came across a huge telescope, but he can’t help but freeze a little before relaxing under Baekhyun’s hold.
“It’s only 9:12 in the morning. Perfect for breakfast.” Baekhyun stands up, grinning. “I’m going to order some breakfast for us and additional coffee for you. Wait for me.”
When Baekhyun disappears through the doors, Kyungsoo glances down at his closed book. He had been too distracted by Baekhyun’s hand that his finger had slipped out, forgetting his bookmark. Kyungsoo exhales out of his nose as he opens the book again. He remembers stopping somewhere along Halley’s comet, remembers thinking how lucky he’d be to encounter something like that. Something that can only be seen once or twice in almost a hundred years.
The first time Baekhyun calls him, he called to ask about Saturn’s Rings. His brother has just left for America. Kyungsoo had been drinking with his friend Junmyeon and Jongdae on Jongdae’s living room floor.
Kyungsoo’s not drunk but he’s not sober either. He could still explain to Baekhyun what the rings are made of, even with the slight alcohol in his system and Jongdae and Junmyeon’s howls of laughter behind him. But somehow, their conversation keeps stirring into other stuff. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo realizes, has always been good at letting Kyungsoo loose, with or without alcohol in the younger’s system.
“Are you drunk, Kyungsoo?”
There’s static noise on the line, Kyungsoo hears, when his giggles die down. Junmyeon and Jongdae are hogging in the distance, Kyungsoo can see their figures from his position as he lies down on the carpet floor.
“Would I be able to tell you that Saturn has six main rings if I were drunk, Baekhyun?” The carpet feels rough and itchy on his skin but he’s too tired to sit up. He’s going to have to deal with carpet burn tomorrow.
“You’d be able to explain to me about Hubble’s Law even in your sleep, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun laughs; Kyungsoo hears a light shift of a bed spring, Baekhyun must be lying down. “But you giggled at my cheesy joke and called me cute, Kyungsoo. That’s got to take at least five bottles of whisky for you to say something like that.”
Kyungsoo squints at the ceiling. I called him cute?
“What, are you saying I don’t appreciate you when I’m sober?” Kyungsoo says, and it must be obvious with his slurred speech and his light hiccup, but he doesn’t stop bickering with Baekhyun.
“Not really,” Baekhyun hums. “You don’t need to be drunk to realize that I’m cute.”
Kyungsoo snorts. He can hear the grin on his voice and he can imagine Baekhyun’s playful wink. “Whatever you say, Baekhyun.”
“No, but seriously, are you drunk? You don’t sound like you’re in a club though. Are you drinking alone?” Baekhyun pauses. “Are you sad, Kyungsoo?”
Kyungsoo stops. In the distance, he can hear Junmyeon and Jongdae giggling and whispering. There’s a slight hollow feeling in his chest. Or maybe it’s the alcohol toying with his mind. He doesn’t know, his brain’s starting to become weary.
“Not really.” Kyungsoo purses his lips. “Just kind of lonely.”
Baekhyun’s silent on the other line.
“And very sleepy,” Kyungsoo continues, suddenly feeling very, very tired. “Good night, Baekhyun.”
Kyungsoo wakes up with carpet burn the next morning. And a text from Baekhyun that says ‘don’t be sad anymore. the stars wont like it’
Kyungsoo snorts softly. ‘the stars dont give a fuck about what i feel, baekhyun’
He receives a reply ten minutes later, when he’s in traffic and the driver of the taxi he’s in is cursing the car in front of him. The honks are loud. Kyungsoo’s incessant thoughts are louder.
‘well I do.’
It’s almost two months later that Kyungsoo realizes Baekhyun had wormed into his life, steadily, stealthily. His text messages are filled with Baekhyun’s name. The astronomy books in Kyungsoo’s dorm that Baekhyun borrowed are filled with Baekhyun’s post-it notes. Kyungsoo has started becoming used to his presence.
It’s not that much of a big deal, really. Jongdae had took three months to get Kyungsoo to open up. Junmyeon and Sehun had took four.
It doesn’t matter.
The glow in the dark stars stuck on his ceiling are starting to peel off and he thinks of visiting the observatory. Or maybe buying new ones in the supply store three blocks away.
He ends up doing none of the two, but dreams up the brightest star he knows, with the brightest laugh, that night. When he wakes up the next morning, he is left with a sense of wonder in his chest. Blooming into something akin to adoration.
It settles in his chest, warm, quiet, as he stares at the worn out glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.
The moon is full.
Back when his family used to visit his grandfather, he’d always go out to the sea with his brother whenever it’s a full moon. They would watch the waves crash to the shore and watch the moon fly big and high into the sky. He and Seungsoo would run in their worn out flip-flops, having a race to see who was the first to scale the whole beach, who’d make it the farthest. Seungsoo always won.
“Your ice cream is melting,” Baekhyun says, as they walk side by side.
Kyungsoo eats it, listens to Baekhyun humming quietly, listens to the ongoing Seoul night traffic, watches their feet walk in sync.
“Hey, Kyungsoo.”
Kyungsoo looks up. Baekhyun is staring far ahead. “What?”
“What were you doing at the observatory when we first met?” Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo blinks at him before staring at their feet again. “I just wanted to visit and see the stars again,” he says. “Back when I was a kid, our front yard offered a great view of the night sky. I didn’t grow up in the city so I still could see them clearly.”
They pass a park. The crickets chirp.
“My professor mentioned something about the observatory. He said it was one of the very few near Seoul. Just a couple of train rides and a taxi ride away,” Kyungsoo explains. “So I went.”
It’s quiet for a while before Baekhyun starts chuckling softly.
“What’s so funny?” Kyungsoo narrows his eyes, looking up at his feet and at Baekhyun.
“I was just thinking,” Baekhyun says, shaking his head and smiling. “If I had continued listening to my professor’s boring conversation with his colleagues, and if I hadn’t sneaked out, I wouldn’t have seen that beautiful model of the Solar System. It’s funny.”
He looks at Kyungsoo with a smile. “I wouldn’t have seen you.”
Maybe, that night, the stars were aligned. They’re always the ones Kyungsoo goes back to.
“Why’d you choose to take up Astronomy, Kyungsoo?”
They’re pressing buttons and holding joysticks, standing in front of two old arcades in front of a semi-empty store somewhere in the quieter part of Seoul. How they got here, Kyungsoo does not know. All he remembers is seeing Baekhyun standing on the soles of his feet in front of Kyungsoo’s school gate right after he gets out of class and how Baekhyun pulled him into the streets with a smile and a promise of ‘you’ll have fun and we’ll get back before the last train, i swear’ from Baekhyun.
There’re no alcohols in their systems, but Kyungsoo feels a bit lightheaded from running from one shop to another and drinking too sweetened juice out of juice boxes and laughter and Baekhyun’s hand holding his.
The sounds from the arcade game, a run down imitation of Donkey Kong, swim in his head. Baekhyun’s laughter resonates through the empty street, rings in Kyungsoo’s ears.
“Because-” Kyungsoo starts, successfully letting his character avoid a barrel, “-I liked staring at the night sky when I was a kid. It kind of fuelled my interest.”
Baekhyun hums. Kyungsoo looks up and looks at Baekhyun in question, taking his eyes off the screen. Baekhyun is still playing. And his eyelids are drooping a bit but his eye’s still bright. There’s a smudge of mustard in the corner of his lips and a smile gracing his face. The light from the screen illuminates his face the way the lights from the observatory did when they first met.
“Yeah, okay,” Baekhyun says, finally looking back at Kyungsoo when he wins a level, their eyes meet. “But why?”
Why not study terrestrial things instead? The earth’s ocean? Why study celestial bodies out in space? Why study the stars?
There’s a slight colour in Baekhyun’s cheeks. It must be because of their sprint earlier, or maybe it’s the red and blue and the yellow from the arcade reflecting in his face, turning it to a beautiful amber blue. Ethereal. Heavenly.
“I’ve always been interested in celestial things even when I was a kid.” his diaphragm behind his ribs contracts; his character is dying on screen; Baekhyun’s looking at him with something in his eyes. “I’ve always been in love with the stars.”
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun go back to the observatory one day.
Baekhyun sleeps on his shoulder the whole train ride and when they arrive, he doesn’t complain about the tick in his neck because of the weight of Baekhyun’s head. But Baekhyun notices him flexing it so he massages the area with his fingers, hands coming up to rest on his nape.
“Don’t go passive-aggressive on me now, Soo,” Baekhyun jokes. “You can always tell me whenever you’re uncomfortable with something.”
“No, it’s fine,” Kyungsoo says. “But you’ve got an incredibly heavy head. Must be because it’s so big.”
Kyungsoo laughs out loud when Baekhyun pushes him playfully. Baekhyun smiles at this.
They enter the observatory, once again with Baekhyun staring in awe at the huge sign in the front. “It’s just a sign, Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo chuckles, covering Baekhyun’s open mouth with his hand.
“Looks like a New York billboard to me.”
They go to different places. Try out the telescope once again. Watch the 3D infographic video about the Big Bang, with Baekhyun whispering occasional questions. Outside, the moon is shining bright behind the clouds. The stars are flickering about.
“Hey, come along,” Baekhyun says when they finish watching the video. The hallway is dark, and Baekhyun leads him on with a hand clasped around Kyungsoo’s wrist.
Baekhyun is predictable, as it turns out.
They go back to the room where the huge model of the Solar System is. Baekhyun walks to the center and smiles at Kyungsoo. “This is where you saw me, and I saw you,” Baekhyun says, grinning as he stands at the spot proudly.
The planets above them are gigantic, the lights in the room adding in to the effect. Saturn and Jupiter are towering above them, and Kyungsoo remembers explaining to Baekhyun about Europa, one of Jupiter’s moons.
Kyungsoo remembers everything in detail.
“I got scolded by my professor when I snuck out that day, you know,” Baekhyun says softly, his eyes sparkling when he looks at Kyungsoo. “But I don’t regret it."
The models of the planets are immense and the fluttering in Kyungsoo’s chest are just as big. He feels so, so wonderstruck. So curious.
“I don’t regret it, too. Allowing myself to open up to you,” Kyungsoo says quietly. “I never will.”
Baekhyun’s fingers are cold when it touches Kyungsoo’s jaw. The flickering of the stars will never make up to the shining on Baekhyun’s eyes. Kyungsoo feels electric when Baekhyun pulls him in for a kiss. He closes in, pressing his lips against Baekhyun’s, curious, insistent. It’s nothing and everything Kyungsoo’s ever dreamed of. There are stars on the back of his eyelids.
Baekhyun is here with him, fingers touching his skin, tongue licking after his lips. Kyungsoo feels like his feet are glued on Earth, yet he feels an otherwordly feeling settle in his chest. Something unearthly. There's a supernova behind his ribs.
The Earth is rotating around its own axis. The stars are a million light years away. The sun is in the center of the Solar System. Kyungsoo is in love with Baekhyun. Baekhyun is in love with Kyungsoo.
That’s how it always is. And how it’s going to be.