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Leo could hear the worried shouts of his family behind him as he stumbled out of his portal, all but collapsing on the snowy ground on one knee and breathing heavily. His exhalations sent little puffs of vapor out into the Christmas Eve’s evening, swirling up in little clouds before disappearing entirely. The sting of the frigid snow was at least grounding for the slider, and he remained still for a few more moments until the weight of his actions hit him and he sank down, shell to an alley wall and head buried behind his knees.
He’d done it again.
He’d ruined everything.
Everyone had been having such a good time… they were finally—finally—laughing together and opening their first gifts before leaving the rest for Christmas Day. It had been going so well and but… not. It was so strange how he was now safe from Prime and the city was recovering yet he still couldn’t shake the feeling that at any moment all hell would break loose and something terrible would happen.
How could he relax when every bone inside his body—once broken by Prime—was screaming that he needed to be ready for an attack?
Leo shivered slightly, curling up tighter and trying to ignore the knowledge that as a turtle it wasn’t safe for him to be out in the cold like this. Brumation was a very real threat, and Donnie would never let him live it down if he passed out. Still he lingered, green finger drawing random patterns in the soft snow next to him. He could still recall Mikey grinning in his Santa hat and stirring some hot cocoa—a recipe derived from Jupiter Jim Sails the Seven Galaxies—and listening as Donnie yapped about some random Christmas facts and the science behind how each snowflake was formed in the sky and unique. Raph was next to them, laughing as April cracked a North Pole related pun and finally looking like he was fully at peace with his family. Even Splinter was nearby, watching his sons fondly and exchanging stories with Casey Junior about Christmases—stories from both the past and the future. It was a perfect picture except for one thing:
Leo wasn’t a part of it.
Of course he was there, watching the whole thing, but mentally he was far away.
Getting beaten over and over again by merciless claws belonging to a voice which taunted him day and night on how much he had failed his family and how they would never come.
Of course they had come for him (anata wa hitori ja nai, after all), but the abuse had left deeper scars than he cared to admit.
He had already put them through enough.
But as he watched their joy and the obvious relief and gratitude at being able to relax finally he could feel his mind begin to disassociate, his hands getting fidgety. Something was wrong. He couldn’t quite say what, but everything about this was just so… off.
They all seemed okay now. They were okay now.
But he wasn’t.
Normally Christmas was a time of cheer and family, being able to show appreciation for one another and find comfort in the familiar and fond presence of those you loved. But this year it only created a starker contrast to how broken Leo felt. How could he feel connected to his family when he was barely tethered to reality? How could he feel loved when he had spent so long truly believing that he had been abandoned? Yet here everyone was laughing and smiling while his trauma kept whispering that he didn’t deserve to be a part of their mirth and celebrations.
He needed to be alert and ready for danger to strike, because what else was he good for? All he had become was a broken plaything that Prime had tossed aside and he could hardly feel anything anymore at all. Any semblance of joy or hope he had to quickly smother because it only hurt more when he spiralled back to where he started. Christmas was the worst because it was so… infectious. Those holiday songs had gotten stuck in Leo’s head as they did every year and everyone was hanging out as a family more often to watch those classic movies they enjoyed, but the conflicting feelings of hope and fear of healing continued to war in his head, causing the panic to rise higher and higher until he had finally snapped and portalled away. But here he was in the freezing cold and he knew that he needed to get somewhere warm, but somewhere that would also keep him distracted.
And he knew just the place.
”Heya Bone Man!” Came an enthusiastic voice Señor Hueso knew all too well, but the skeleton still couldn’t help but jump slightly as none other than Hamato Leonardo portalled onto his armchair without a warning, glancing around the office where Hueso had been looking over reservations. “And Merry Christmas! It’s cozy in here.”
Hueso pinched the space between his eyes. “Pepino, how many times have I told you not to barge in here unannounced? Today is a very busy time for the restaurant and I have no time for whatever shenanigan you wish to drag me into.”
”Aww, don’t have time for your favorite nephew? Gee, that hurts.” Leo flopped down in his chair to stare dramatically at the ceiling, legs dangling off the side. “And on a holiday too. Me has hecho daño, Tío.”
Hueso crossed his arms. “You are correct on one account, and that is that today is a holiday. Why are you not with your brothers?”
”Oh pffft, I was with those guys all day. Just wanted to drop in and say hola to you and maybe see if I could help out during the rush a bit…”
Hueso hesitated, seeing a hint of a peculiar emotion flash across his sobrino’s eyes before the slider was back upright and already striding towards the door. “I wonder if there’ll be any reindeer yokai? That’ll be cool… man I should’ve brought my clown nose to make one of them Rudolph…”
”Leonardo.” Hueso said suddenly, and Leo stiffened at the use of his full name. “Sit. I want to talk to you.”
”… Are you sure though?” Leo turned with an award-winning smile, the red Santa hat on his head tilted cockily to the side. But his eyes were clearly hurting, so Hueso nodded.
”Yes. I am not going to let you out into the kitchen in a state that would make you likely to drop a tray of eggnog.”The skeleton eyes Leo’s slightly-trembling arms. “So you can either go back home to where your brothers are surely waiting for you or you can talk about what is really going on. Tu elección.”
”Stop being such a Scrooge!” Leo groaned. “Can I get a hot chocolate at the very least? ¿Por favor?”
Hueso sighed. “One hot chocolate. Then you will tell me what’s bothering you.” The skeleton huffed slightly as he stepped out of his office. “Con Pepino en este estado, esta conversación requerirá crema batida adicional.”
Hueso strode back into the office with a full mug of hot chocolate and extra whipped cream piled fluffily on top, sighing as he addressed Leo. “Here is your hot chocolate, Pepino. It is quite hot, but while we are waiting for it to cool off perhaps you could inform me of what in the winter wonderland is going on with your family…” Hueso stiffened as he saw the room was empty, glancing around it with a mixture of worry and slight irritation. He set the mug down on his desk and placed his hands on his hips, scanning his surroundings for any sign of Leo. A small hiccup drew his attention to the armchair in the corner of the room and Hueso’s eyes softened.
Pepino always hid when he was upset.
”Sobrino? It is only me.” Hueso said softly, approaching the armchair and glancing behind it. Sure enough Leo was curled up behind it and trembling as he breathed way too quickly. Hueso frowned. “Pepino, ralentiza tu respiración. Te harás daño.”
”Sorry… lo siento, Tio…” Leo’s hands clutched at his throat as he tried to get in more oxygen, and Hueso immediately shoved the chair aside and grabbed his sobrino’s wrists.
”No Pepino, don’t do that. You will only make it worse.” Hueso clucked his tongue. “Breathe with me. In… and out. It’s okay. In… and out.”
Leo shook his head and began to shrink into his shell, causing Hueso to grimace and grab both sides of his face before it could disappear. “I do not know much about turtle anatomy, but I do know that ordinary animals do not have panic attacks. You need to maintain good posture to breathe properly. Focus on me, Pepino. You are here in my office and you are safe. Do you feel my hands? The floor? Estás a salvo.”
Leo whined slightly as his breathing continued to overoxygenate him, eyes wide and unseeing. Hueso frowned. “Can I hug you, Pepino?” After a pause Leo nodded, and Hueso drew him into a tight embrace. Leo pressed against him like the only thing anchoring him from his tumultuous thoughts, and Hueso gently hummed a calming Christmas tune as he wondered what Leo could possibly be thinking at this moment. He ran a hand comfortingly over the slider’s shell, patiently waiting for him to calm down.
Slowly but surely, Leo’s breathing began to return to a normal rhythm and he sagged against his Tio, exhausted. Hueso gave a sigh of relief and continued to hold his sobrino until he was ready to talk. “Sorry, Bone Man.”
”Do not be sorry, Pepino. You needed to let that out.” Hueso soothed. “But would you mind telling me what triggered all of this? Por favor?”
Leo hesitated. “It’s dumb.”
”Say that one more time and your complimentary pizzas are off the table.” Hueso said firmly, only half-teasing. “It is not dumb if it made you upset. Was it your brothers?”
”What? No no no!” Leo quickly said. “What would make you think that?”
Hueso raised a non-existent eyebrow. “Well, with your brothers is where you should be right now. It’s Christmas, Pepino. You should be enjoying the holiday with your family, not trying to work in order to avoid them. So what was it?”
Leo groaned. “It’s… it’s not them exactly but…” The slider went silent for a moment. “I just can’t this Christmas. I can’t.”
”Can’t… what?” Hueso prodded gently, and Leo sighed.
”Everything. I can’t pretend to be having fun, I can’t fake smiles when my stupid brain keeps disassociating, I can’t act like I enjoy all of Mikey’s awesome cookies when my stomach is all in knots…” Leo listed, and Hueso listened with a compassionate expression before interjecting softly.
”It sounds to me like you are doing a lot of pretending.” Hueso murmurs. “That isn’t healthy… but I am sure that you have a reason that you believe it is necessary. Tell me, what are you trying to hide?”
”Hide? Me? Pfffft!” Leo chuckled nervously, realizing that he said way too much. “Nah, I’m the Face Man! I’ve got nothing to hide because there’s nothing else to see, get it?”
”So you think that you are unimportant? Or that your inner thoughts are not worth other people’s time?” Hueso asked, and Leo spluttered slightly before stiffening as the skeleton drew him in for a tight hug. “Listen, I understand that you are scared to let people in. I’ve noticed that, you know, and I’ve never forgotten your sentiment about being nothing without your brothers. But at the same time you are tired of hiding and wish to be seen. You want someone to see past your lies but are too independent and terrified of connection to admit it.” Leo’s jaw dropped, and Hueso huffed. “I was not born yesterday, you know.”
”Well that’s obvious.” Leo muttered, but quickly laughed it off as Hueso gave him a look. “Just teasing of course! What’s your birthdate, in the BC? The Before Comedy era? Just joking about that as well of course hehe…”
”I’ve noticed that you use humor to deflect emotions as well.” Hueso told him calmly, and Leo groaned.
”It’s not like I’m trying to!” He defended. “It just… happens I guess.”
”Well please put forth an effort here. I’m worried about you, Pepino.” Hueso stared the slider firmly in the eyes. “And I’m sure your brothers are, too.”
”Oh sure, why not bring those mother hens into the mix? Can’t you just let it go and let me forget about them for a bit?” Leo snapped slightly, and Hueso’s expression softened.
”So… it is about them.” He commented, and Leo sighed.
”No… yes… kinda…” The slider slumped down. “It’s complicated.”
”I have time.” Hueso made a show of getting a bit more comfortable on the floor, and Leo rolled his eyes. “Now tell me what you’d like for Christmas, Pepino.”
”Wow, you actually have a sense of humor? Here, take my red hat and I can sit on your lap and tell you my whole list.” Leo teased slightly, and Hueso smiled.
”Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.” The skeleton looked at his sobrino with a patient expression. “Go on. I’m listening.”
”I just…” Leo hesitated, not wanting to trauma dump or anything but also wanting to get it off his chest. It was getting so heavy, after all, and if he was just a mess that he couldn’t even spend a nice Christmas Eve with his brothers then something had to change. “I just… want to forget I guess.”
”Forget…?” Hueso prompted, and Leo sighed.
”Yeah. Like my brothers are all on me about ‘expressing my feelings’ and ‘we’re all struggling and can help each other’ and all the mushy crap like that… but I don’t think I need any help.” Leo shrugged. “I mean, I’m fully capable of sucking it up and keeping going forward. But they keep pestering me about it and it’s making it so hard to let it all go!”
”Then they’re probably thinking the same thing as me.” Hueso’s face softened. “Which is that even though we all know how strong you are, we also know that you don’t have to carry the burden alone.”
”Heh, yes I do.” Leo chuckled darkly, and Hueso’s face clouded.
”No, you don’t.” The skeleton frowned. “Why do you insist on carrying it alone?”
”Because I can.”
”But you don’t have to.”
”I’m fine on my own.”
”You very clearly are not.”
”Yes, I am!”
”You are resilient, but resilience is not the same thing as wisdom! If you are carrying a heavy load and there are people there to help you, why break your back trying to do it yourself? Is it pride? Fear?”
”No!”
”Then what is it?”
”It was my fault, okay?!” Leo exploded, and Hueso was startled silent. Leo’s breath hitched. “It was all my fault. I tried to catch that stupid key because I’ve been so freaking terrified of getting someone hurt as the leader that I’ve been doing everything myself and leaving my brothers out and then I dropped it and started and apocalypse and then Raph got hurt saving me and then Donnie got sensory issues from the Technodrome and then Mikey’s arms are all scarred over and tremble sometimes and—“
”Woah woah, ¡disminuye la velocidad, Pepino!” Hueso worriedly told him, grabbing the slider’s shoulders as he started to hyperventilate again, but Leo shook his head.
”I… I get it now…” Leo sniffled, curling up into a ball as Hueso tried to comfort him by placing a bony hand on his shell. “R-Raph was always so scared so he was so harsh and self-sacrificing and stuff… but he always t-took care of us and I was so c-cruel to him because then I was scared but I can’t stop making these stupid jokes that made Raph made so he yelled more and that made me joke more… and now I’m the leader but I was useless before because we all kn-knew that the whole Face Man thing was a s-stupid joke and I couldn’t even handle that and I don’t know how to keep them all s-safe and I hate it and now they’re all hurt like I knew they would be eventually and it’s like I just proved to myself that I’m…” Leo’s breath hitched. “That I’m a failure.”
Hueso was silent a moment, comfortingly rubbing circles into Leo’s shell. There was absolutely no sound except for the crackling fireplace and the occasion sniff from Leo, snow gently falling outside the window as Leo’s breathing slowly returned to normal and his mind began to clear from his outburst. When Hueso finally spoke again, his voice was soft. “Pepino… you have been carrying far too much for far too long. It is no wonder you are crumbling like this.”
”Gee, thanks.” Leo muttered, but Hueso shook his head.
”I do not mean to chide you, I only mean to let you know that if you had told me this sooner, I could have informed you that you have been lying to yourself.” Hueso corrected, and Leo stiffened. “You are not a failure, Pepino. Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see a strong, loyal victor who is willing to do anything for his family. And that is something to be proud of.”
Leo averted his eyes, and Hueso sighed. “Look, we all make mistakes. It is inevitable, and a part of life. But do you know what we do when we make those mistakes? We are supposed to turn to those we love and trust for wisdom and support. That is what makes a strong team—and a strong family.”
”I know but…” Leo hesitated. “But I keep messing up. And it’s not their job to pick up my pieces.”
”Pepino, Christmas is a time of love and gratitude. It’s about realizing how much you have, and how much has been done for you.” Hueso murmured. “Your brothers love you so much, and when you finally trust them enough to open up and give them the opportunity to help you? That is when you will all become unstoppable.” He was silent a moment before adding. “You know, a very wise mutant once told me to not give up on my own brother, and that family should always stick together.”
Leo stiffened, but Hueso pressed on. “This mutant brought us back together and showed me how important it is to never give up on family. They are your greatest gift, Pepino. The ones that you should always be able to fall back on, knowing that they will catch you. That mutant saved my relationship with my brother by showing me how family is the most important thing in the world, and I can only hope that he will follow his own advice.”
”Heh, using my own words against me now? That’s low, even for you.” Leo snorted, and Hueso smiled.
”I just though that it would do you well to listen to yourself again. Hear your loyalty and determination and optimism… and perhaps how your quick thinking and leadership skills made our mission successful.” Hueso winked slightly. “Now that sounds pretty incredible to me. And I’m sure your brothers think so too.”
Leo was silent a moment. “You think I should go back, don’t you?”
”I do.” Hueso leaned back slightly. “I understand that this is a sensitive topic, but it’s Christmas. The time for new beginnings and hope. I’m sure that they miss you.”
”Yeah… yeah I know.” Leo sniffled slightly. “I… I miss them too. They were having so much fun… and we all love Christmas…”
”Shhhh, I know. It’s okay.” Hueso soothed as Leo started to cry again. “It is very difficult when childlike innocent is ripped away from you and you realize how cruel the world can be. But at this time of year? When family is around and the joyful Christmas spirit is following you wherever you go? This is the time when you can look around and realize that everything just might turn out fine. That maybe life is just as magical as you remember even though you have to look a bit harder to see it. And most importantly, you can see how grateful you are for what you have, such as brothers to help you through everything that you’ve been struggling with. Do you understand?”
”Yeah… yeah I do.” Leo hesitated a brief moment before crushing Hueso in a tight embrace. “Thank you, Tio.”
Hueso smiled and hugged his sobrino back. “Of course, Pepino. That is what family is for, after all. Now return to your brothers, and save me some of Michelangelo’s cookies for when me and Hueso Junior visit tomorrow.”
”I will.” Leo gave one more squeeze before standing up and picking his sword and Santa hat off the ground. He offered one of his usual cocky grins despite his still-teary eyes, and Hueso nodded fondly. “See you tomorrow, Bone Man. And Merry Christmas.”
”Merry Christmas, Pepino.” Hueso watched as his sobrino stepped through the portal back home, sighing in relief and contentment. “And to all of you a good night.”