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"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you."
December, 2015
The sound of the glass shattering echoes through the silence of the kitchen. Taehyung is stuck in place. He can't move, and it feels like everyone is speaking at once in his ears, when really, no one is there. He feels his heartbeat racing, his palms sweaty, and his fingers trembling. Taehyung curls his arms around his middle, trying to control the shaking of his body. The tears come soon enough. Immediately though, a pair of arms wrap around his middle, encircling his shaking body.
Seokjin.
"It's okay. It's just a glass. Don't worry." Seokjin chants over and over again in his ears, but it is futile. Taehyung somehow gets more overwhelmed, not even able to move an inch of his body. He feels numb, and he's crying uncontrollably now. He doesn't want to do this. Doesn't want to do this in front of Seokjin. In front of his best friend and roommate, who he's in love with. But somewhere deep down he knows Seokjin is the only one who knows how to handle him when he's like this.
Seokjin somehow manages to get him in the comfort of his own room. He sets him down onto the soft mattress, and Taehyung immediately pulls his knees to his chest, arms circling his knees. He begins to hyperventilate; his air passage feels blocked, and suddenly, it's not because of the glass anymore. It's because of everything and nothing. Seokjin wastes no time and is immediately beside Taehyung, rubbing his hand up and down his back, hoping it provides some kind of comfort. Taehyung can't help but lean into his touch and curls up at Seokjin's side.
Seokjin freezes. The fight comes flashing back in his eyes.
-
"Stop it, Seokjin! Stop looking at me like you want me whenever you feel like it, and then stop!" Taehyung yells at the older man in front of him, his eyes glassy. It is at that moment when Seokjin's world comes crashing down. He stumbles back a few steps and nods dumbly, leaving Taehyung in his own room, closing the door behind him softly, not wanting to startle Taehyung or himself.
-
Taehyung feels all the things he said coming back to him. He had tried his best to stop feeling like this. But every time he had even gotten closer to stepping out of the dark void that depression is, it felt like it pulled him back, every single time, no matter how many meds he took. He won't ever win against it. All he can do is pop pills and get angry at others and push everyone away. Push Seokjin away.
After the fight he felt like it was worth it. At least Taehyung won't think about every little thing Seokjin did. At least he'll be able to move on. But in the way of making himself happy, he pushed Seokjin away. This thought runs through his mind at once, and Taehyung can't even see anymore. It feels like his heart is in his throat. Seokjin wastes no time and pulls him to his chest. Arm around his shoulder and the other hand on the back of his head.
He wants to sleep. He wants to stop all the thoughts that crawl back into his mind and just sleep. But he can't. He knows he can't. It's the same when he sleeps. The dreams reflect his conscience, and all they're about is some black matter eating him out. That's what he feels every day. He loves Seokjin. He doesn't want to mess up Seokjin. Doesn't want to be a burden to Seokjin. Doesn't want Seokjin to go through his pain. Doesn't want Seokjin to see the ugly person that lives within him.
Seokjin could practically feel Taehyung shaking in his arms. The older man cups his face and forces Taehyung to look into his eyes.
"Taehyung. Taehyung," Seokjin repeats, but Taehyung is deflecting his gaze and looking anywhere but at him. The older manages to make his hold firmer and gaze into Taehyung's eyes, hoping it would make things a little better.
"Taehyung. Look at me. Look at hyung. Hyung's here, okay? Don't worry, you'll be better. Hyung will make everything better. Please don't cry; it breaks my heart."
Taehyung thinks he can see lights in Seokjin's eyes. Somehow that makes him feel better. His breathing returns to a normal pace, and so does his heartbeat. He swallows, and even though he wants to turn away from Seokjin, he can't. He's stuck in his place, too selfish to even let go of him. Somehow, Taehyung just burrows closer and draws his hands to his chest. Seokjin's arms become tighter, if that was even possible.
A few minutes later, Taehyung just stared into space, but Seokjin's hand in his hair didn't stop cascading through his chestnut locks. Taehyung breaks the silence, almost startling Seokjin.
"I don't feel like myself anymore, hyung. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm fucked in the head, and no matter how hard I try, it's worthless. Everything just keeps crashing down."
The hand in Taehyung's hair freezes, and Taehyung worries he might've said too much. But to his surprise, Seokjin starts his movements again and speaks.
"It's okay if you don't feel like yourself. Listen, what you feel, you can't control it. Sometimes those thoughts just come and go away. Sometimes they stay for a long time. But that doesn't mean you stop living. It doesn't mean you isolate yourself and push others away. What if they don't want to be pushed away? What if they want to be there for you? Be with you?"
Seokjin's voice cracks at the end of his sentence, and at the same time, so does Taehyung's heart. Taehyung holds Seokjin now, feeling a little brave. If he can't have him, he's happy with this.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you. I didn't mean anything. I guess now's the right time to say this. I...I'm in love with you, Seokjin-ah." Taehyung sputters out and instantly regrets it. This could ruin everything. Ruin his friendship with Seokjin, which is the only thing keeping him sane. There is a brief moment of silence, and Seokjin doesn't say anything. But the moment Taehyung opens his mouth to speak, Seokjin is already tilting his head up with the hand that was in his hair.
He feels it before he even registers it. A light brush of lips against his own. He feels sparks go down his spine, but Seokjin is already staring at him, with a small smile on his face.
"Was this enough of an answer for you?" Seokjin whispers. He nods mutely, feeling a little sheepish. But then Seokjin's leaning again, Taehyung's fingers curl into Seokjin's sleeve, and he closes his eyes, waiting for the contact. This time, Seokjin doesn't stop at a peck. Their lips meet like two pieces of a puzzle fitting into each other. Seokjin lets out a sigh of relief at the contact, and Taehyung exhales. The lips move against each other like muscle memory.
It isn't perfect. Their noses bump into each other. Tears slip out of Seokjin's eyes, and he hugs Taehyung impossibly closer to himself. Taehyung lets out a sob, and Seokjin pulls away, resting his forehead against Taehyung's. His hands come up to cup Taehyung's face and wipe the tears gushing out his eyes, ignorant of his own tears. Taehyung opens his eyes and sniffles. Seokjin chuckles at this and kisses the tip of his nose.
"I love you, I love you, I love you, Taehyung." Seokjin chants over and over again, and Taehyung lets out an ugly sob, throwing himself at Seokjin.
"I promise I'll learn from my mistakes." Taehyung lets out a muffled sound into Seokjin's sweater.
"And I'll always be here to fix you."
Seokjin lies down with Taehyung on the bed, pulling the covers over them. Taehyung immediately buries his face into Seokjin's chest, and Seokjin pulls his arm around the younger boy.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing. And I don't know how to fix it," Taehyung mumbles, his voice muffled. Seokjin rubs his back in a soothing motion.
"And that's what scares me the most, Seokjin. That if you learn who I really am, you'll go away."
Seokjin swallows and begins to speak. "You could never scare me, Taehyung. You don't know how happy I am you told me. I'll be here for you, on your good days and your bad days. Everyone has flaws, Taehyung. But the flaws make them a real person. Your flaws make me fall in love with you. Not only your imperfections. Your flaws are what make you perfect. Now tell me, how could I ever be scared of this person who lives within you?" Seokjin says, his voice cracking here and there. He couldn't help it. Couldn't stand the fact that the boy he loves feels this way.
"Can we...can you stay here tonight? I just want to feel like I'm wanted. Can we make love?" Taehyung asks, with his heart beating out of his chest. He feels like throwing up. But to his surprise, Seokjin is leaning down again, tilting his face up to kiss him fully on the mouth. He pulls away just for a second to say,
"I'll give you anything you want, Taehyung. But just promise me you will never, ever, keep what you feel to yourself and always come to me."
"I promise."
After that, everything feels like a rush of adrenaline. Clothes come off gently. Encouraging words are whispered. Seokjin hovers over the younger as he opens up Taehyung gently, adding his fingers one by one to let him get used to the intrusion. Taehyung has his head thrown back because of the pleasure that flows through his veins. Seokjin leans down to leave hot, open-mouthed kisses on his neck that have Taehyung pulling on Seokjin's hair.
Seokjin enters Taehyung with the tenderness of a promise kept, both letting out soft sighs at the feeling. Seokjin moves slowly, always murmuring the words 'I love you' into his ears. Taehyung wraps his legs around his waist and lets his hands wander around the broad expanse of Seokjin's back. Seokjin comes into Taehyung while, at the same time, Taehyung comes on his abdomen. Taehyung feels complete. He feels the peace he has been craving for ages come to him in an instant by Seokjin's gentle touches and tender movement.
Later, when they're all clean and in bed, with Seokjin's body engulfing Taehyung's from the back, arms wrapped around his middle, while Taehyung draws random shapes on Seokjin's forearms which were around his torso. Seokjin whispers against Taehyung's ear and the younger shivers a little.
"There are lights in our life. Even now. Even when everything feels darks and consuming. These lights guide us home."
"And what if I don't find these lights?"
"But you have, Taehyung-ah. I'll be your light. I'll be the light that ignites your bones. And even though I know I can't fix everything, but I will always try to fix you."