Chapter Text
Anthony watched the snow float slowly to the ground from the safety of his office. He watched it settling over the street, covering the grime with a brood, white blanket. Just for a moment, a few days, the world was clean again. Fresh and new, no mistakes just yet. Anthony turned away from the window as his phone buzzed on his desk, his mother’s name flashing on the screen. Wondering where he was on Christmas Eve no doubt, they would be waiting for him, probably. But he just couldn’t bring himself to go. He hadn’t in years now. By now most likely they would wait a hour and decide he wasn’t coming anyway, so what did it matter? He felt the deep ache of loneliness settle into his bones for the millionth time and he closed his eyes to push them aside.
He’d made his choices, made them so long ago now, but he still remembered the way Kate had clung to him that day in the airport her voice aching, tears running down her face, her voice desperate in his ear.
“Please don’t go, Anthony. Please don’t go.”
And everything in him had wanted to stay with her. He’d wanted to take her hand and sprint out the door of the airport, abandoning his luggage. But they’d agreed. A break for a year, to set them both up, and then he’d be right back at her door.
He’d pulled back, looking her in the eyes, his thumb running over her cheekbone, brushing her tears away, his heart still aching. “Kate, I love you so much. A year in New York’s not going to change that. A hundred years couldn’t change that.”
So he’d left, walking backwards down the aerobridge, blowing her a kiss. And it had been the last time he’d ever seen her. Because that had been before. Before he hadn’t been there when it mattered most.
And most of the time, he didn’t think about her. Some times he managed to go whole weeks without remembering her laugh or the way her eyes had crinkled when she’d smile or the smell of her perfume that seemed to haunt him in the middle of the night. It was easier to pretend he hadn’t ruined his life while he was at work, with mountains of paperwork surrounding him. But not today, apparently.
A knock sounded on his office door and his assistant entered, tapping away at something on the screen of her iPad.
“A few messages before I go.”
“You should have left hours ago, you know.” Anthony sighed dryly. “No need for us both to be miserable.”
“Huntington wants to rearrange the meeting for the 2nd of January. He’s going away with his family after all. And A…” She paused, searching for the name on the screen. “Kate Sharma called for you today. Said it would be great if you could call her back.”
Anthony froze, his pulse pounding in his ears. A thousand memories rushing back all over again. Them at University together, tangled in the sheets, Kate sitting with Hyacinth on her lap, her voice hot in his ear I can’t wait to have a baby with you.
“You’re sure it was Kate Sharma?”His voice cracked and he tried to clear it.
“Quite sure, yes.”
“Er… right.” Anthony swallowed, “Did she leave a number?”
She plucked a post-it note off his desk and scribble down the number. “Right, I’m off. Enjoy your Christmas!”
“Yeah, enjoy your Christmas.”
Anthony was barely paying attention as she left. He was staring at the phone number in front of him. His fingers itching to reach towards the phone.
It was eating him alive. Gnawing at him, why had she called? Now, after so long, when she must have known how to find him for the last five years at least. He’d waited for it, almost, and she never had. Year after year of letting things go, and apparently he couldn’t anymore.
Anthony reached out, his hand shaking as he picked up the receiver on his desk. He pressed the numbers slowly and deliberately, desperate to get them right.
“All work and no play makes Anthony a very dull boy you know.” A dry voice from the door way caught his attention. Agatha Danbury arms crossed over her chest, an eyebrow raised.
Anthony startled and slammed the phone back down.
“It’s nine o’clock on Christmas Eve and you’re still at your desk. Do you not have a family to go to?”
Anthony cleared his throat, straightening his tie. “I was just finalising these depositions. And you’re still here as well.”
“Well, I’m allowed to do whatever I want.” She rolled her eyes, “Go home, Anthony. Part of being a partner is that you can leave at midday if you want. Go to your family, go and pick up a girl. Do anything other than sitting here with that face on.”
“Right, my family.” He hadn’t even considered a family, not since he’d left all those years ago. Hadn’t even wanted to. “Goodnight, Agatha.”
Anthony let the cold air swirl around him the entire way home, his footsteps crunching against the snow as he stepped out of his car, smiling to the doorman of his building as he stood by the elevator. Nothing but aching loneliness pressing down on him as he opened a bottle of scotch.
He took out the piece of paper he’d folded into his pocket as he got out bed, his head slightly fuzzy. He took out his phone again and dialled the number, anticipation swirling in his chest. It rang once, twice, and then connected with a click.
“Hello?”
Anthony’s stomach dropped. She sounded just the same as he remembered and it made the ache settle into his chest even more. God, he wished he’d done so many things differently. He wished he’d called her when he’d come home for his father’s funeral but he’d felt so broken then. He still felt broken now.
“Hellooo?” Kate asked again. “Ah, if you’re talking I can’t hear you. Maybe hang up and try again.”
Anthony did hang up. He let his phone drop onto the bedside table. Enough now. What was the point in dredging up ancient history? What would it solve?
Anthony laid back against the pillows and for the first night in a long time, that night when his eyes closed, the last thing he thought was Kate.
________________________________
The first thing Anthony noticed, before he even opened his eyes was the smell, tickling at his nose. Something clean and floral and achingly familiar that he just had to open his eyes and see it. And there it was, exactly as he’d expected. There was a tangle of dark hair sprawled across his chest, legs intertwined with his, an arm wrapped tightly around his waist miles and miles of smooth skin stretching on before him, and he couldn’t help the smile that rose to his face.
His head was pounding just a little, confusion welling in his chest as he looked around.
He had hung up on Kate and gone to bed had he not?
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Kate stirred on his chest but stayed asleep.
Christ, This must be where she lived. He must have called her albeit drunkenly, and met her here and they’d fallen into bed together. Anthony ran his fingers lightly through her hair, something rising in his chest as she started to stir again. She made a contented sleepy noise and nested closer for a second her lips pressed against his stomach. Kate sat up a little and rubbed her eyes and Anthony’s eyes followed the motion helplessly and it was then that his stomach dropped. He saw them, glinting in the morning light creeping in through the window.
Wedding rings.
”Fucking Christ, Anthony, you’ve really fucking done it this time.” He hissed to himself, his head starting to pound. “You’ve just fucked your married ex girlfriend on Christmas Eve.”
Kate smiled at him, brushing their lips together, her tongue tracing his lazily. “Merry Christmas.”
Heat was rising in Anthony’s cheeks, “Ah yeah, Merry Christmas.”
Her lips were hot against his ear, her hand playing with the edge of his boxers -No definitely not his, these had reindeer on. Fuck these must be the poor sod she’s married to. He’d taken his wife and his underwear. New low, Anthony, definitely a new low.
“Last night was pretty fun.”
“Kate, listen. I don’t really do that kind of thing-”
Kate cut him off with a laugh, her lips finding his again, hips grinding against his thigh. Fuck she was just as beautiful as he remembered. More so, maybe.
“Oh yeah, you’ve never done that to me before.” Christ her lips had always felt so good on his neck. He was so weak for her.
She had a point, Anthony supposed but that didn’t make it- “It’s still cheating, Kate.”
She pulled back, her eyes searching his for half a second, brow furrowed, “Sorry, are we role playing now? It’s a little coy for a Christmas morning shag but I’m down if- Christ. Look alive.”
She was off him in seconds, settled beside him now, as footsteps pounded in the hallway. Panic rose in Anthony’s chest, but they weren’t heavy enough to be her husband’s. She must have a child. Fucking hell, her child was going to walk in on-
A boy bounded through the door, carrying a baby on his hip a corgi sprinting after them as he bounced on the bed,
“SANTA CAME! SANTA CAME!”
Kate took the baby kissing his forehead. Anthony scrambled from her bed, trying desperately to get away from this nightmare, his socks skidding on floor.
“Anthony? What’re you-?” Kate had started, her brow furrowed concernedly.
But then the little boy bounced around to face him, his little face alight with excitement, just like Greg’s had been at four and Anthony’s heart stopped as he said.
“Daddy! Santa Came!”
“Daddy?!” Anthony’s voice felt hoarse and his head was spinning as he stared down at the tiny boy.
He had Kate’s dark curly hair tumbling over his forehead and a smile that he recognised as his own. Anthony could hear his pulse pounding in his ears as he stared at the boy who couldn’t be more than four years old. It had been a decade since he’d seen her. He knew it had been. This couldn’t be his son.
“Neddy, baby.” Kate said gently, eyeing Anthony warily before she caught the boy’s attention. “Why don’t you go down and try and guess what your presents are. Daddy and I just need a second. We’ll hold on to Milo.”
Neddy gave Anthony a small frown, a tiny crease popping out between his eyebrows but he nodded and gave Kate a hug before he scampered off the bed, hugging Anthony’s legs as he passed.
What the fuck was happening?! How did he get here?! Wherever the fuck here even was?!
God, his chest was starting to feel tight.
Kate slipped off the bed, tucking the baby onto her hip as she made her way towards him. “Okay, what’s going on?”
“What’s-? What’s going on?!” Anthony said, feeling slightly hysterical. “How about the two kids you’re claiming are mine?!”
Kate’s eyebrows shot up, “Claiming? Did you…? Knock your head against the headboard last night?”
“Last night?! I don’t even remember last night! Now we have kids!”
“What is going on with you?!” Kate was looking at him like he’d gone insane. And maybe he had. “We’ve been married for a fucking decade Anthony. I remember you being pretty involved in making the kids!”
Anthony’s stomach dropped again. He struggled to draw breath into his limbs as he snatched up a pair of sweatpants that were hanging over the dresser and a Christmas sweater and shoved them on.
“Anthony?”
“Yep!” Anthony said manically, running towards the door. God, these weren’t even his clothes, did he even have any shoes here?!
He sprinted down the stairs, trying to get away. If he could just get home he could store all of this out. He could see a pair of boots by the front door and started shoving them on his feet. He’d apologise to Kate’s husband later.
“Merry Christmas!”
The front door swung open to reveal a man and a woman that Anthony recognised immediately as Kate’s parents. They were a little older than he remembered them being when he’d sat at their dinner table a decade of christmases ago with a hand made scarf around his neck and their daughter sitting on his lap while they played boardgames. But their eyes lit up in recognition of him.
“Anthony!” Kate’s mother said, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. “How are you, sweetheart?”
“Mary.” Anthony said, still feeling breathless. “Tharman.”
“Where are you off too, son?”
Why was it not a surprise that he was here? In their daughter’s home? With their grandchildren?
“Granny and Poppy!” Neddy squealed from the living room and Anthony took advantage of them turning towards their grandson to run out the front door and onto the driveway.
He took a deep breath as his boots crunched through the snow and took in his surroundings. He was on a residential street, definitely not in London. It was too quite for that. Too clean as well honestly. Anthony’s stomach churned and he doubled over as nausea welled in him.
A car pulled up in front of him and wound the window down while Anthony fell to the snow.
“Jesus, Ant. The wife giving you a hard time already?”
Anthony’s head shot up at the sound of his brother’s voice. Ben was hanging his head out the window of his car. His wife Sophie was looking curiously at him from the passenger side.
“Oh my god, Ben.” Anthony felt like he could breathe. Finally someone he could talk to. Finally someone who could tell him this had all been some massive fucking joke. “How did you know where to find me?”
Ben threw his head back and laughed, “Because you’ve lived here for fucking years, mate.”
“I live in London!”
Ben turned off the engine and got out, making his way round to the other side of the car to help his wife out. His heavily pregnant wife, Anthony realised with a start.
“We know I support most of your delusions, Ant. But calling Surrey, London is a stretch.”
Anthony narrowed his eyes, managing a hollow laugh, “Funny. You’re hilarious. I’ve learned my lesson, whatever it was. Let’s get in the car and go home.”
Sophie gave him a confused look, “Anthony…”
Ben clapped him on the shoulder, steering him away from Sophie. His voice dropped seriously. “What the fuck is going on?!”
“You tell me!” Anthony hissed, “I don’t know what I’m doing here?! I don’t know what everyone wants from me?!”
“Is this about Dad?”
Anthony’s stomach dropped, and he felt defensive. “Why would it be about Dad?!”
Ben ruffled his hair, heaving a deep sigh. “Maybe because you’re telling me you don’t know what you’re doing with your wife, who you fucking love more than anything. You love being a dad. So you’re obviously having some sort of fucking crisis.”
Anthony studied his brother’s face. He wasn’t lying. Ben had a tell. He always had. The left corner of his mouth always twitched when he lied and it wasn’t now. Anthony brought his hand up to cover his face for a second and startled at the gold ring on his hand. He slid it off, staring down at it while his pulse poised in his ears.
Kate to Anthony, 15th August 2015
“I’m married to Kate.”
It felt final, when he said it. As though the world wasn’t spinning around him. This had to be a dream. That was it. Anthony decided. This was a dream. And he’d wake up from it any minute.
“Yeah, you are.” Ben said, “God knows why but she loves you.”
“I…” Anthony swallowed, “I had a weird dream last night.”
“Are you coming back in?”
Kate’s voice startled him its closeness and he spun around. God, she was beautiful. Maybe he’d never really fully appreciated that.
“You should have put a jacket on.” Anthony found himself saying, wrapping his arms around her instinctively.
“Well, if you weren’t standing out in the snow I wouldn’t be out here.” Kate nudged him, playfully but her brow was still furrowed.
“My fault.” Ben saved him. He leaned in to kiss Kate’s cheek. “I messaged him to meet me out here and bring in the presents.”
“Just as well, Neddy’s getting impatient.”
“Well, when you name a kid after his father, and that father’s Anthony, that’s what happens.” Ben nudged Anthony.
“My name’s not Neddy.” Anthony said, bemused.
“I’m obviously talking about your middle name, dickhead.”
He felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. Neddy was short for Edmund. He’d been named after his father. A son, named for his father.
Anthony squeezed his eyes shut against the torrent of emotions, taking a deep breath. “Right, yeah.”
“Amma! Daddy! It’s time for presents!”
Right. Presents. And then he’d wake up. Surely
__________________________________
“Today was… weird.”
Anthony was sat uselessly on the edge of the bed, watching his alleged wife move around the room. Everyone had gone home hours ago, and Anthony had chosen to stand there, washing the dishes rather than put his kids to bed. Mostly because he had no idea what that even would have looked like.
He’d spent all day in a haze. Sandwiched next to Kate on the sofa, with Miles, his apparent one year old on his knee. He hadn’t known what to do when Neddy had excitedly unwrapped a bicycle.
“That one’s from Daddy.” Kate had nudged him. And Anthony hadn’t been able to do anything but nod. Staring at the child that really did seem to be half him and half Kate. Perfect.
“Daddy!” Neddy squealed, running up to him. “You’ll help me learn right?”
Anthony’s throat felt choked. For a child that didn’t even exist. “Of course I will.”
He’d reached out and ruffled Neddy’s hair. Imagining for a moment how it would feel if this really were his life.
Anthony had spent all day staring around at the pictures lining the walls. There was a picture of a wedding he didn’t remember, but he was smiling so brightly. He was dipping Kate low, their lips meeting as he held her there, smiling against hers. There was a photo of him holding a tiny baby that must be Neddy, tears in his eyes while Kate kissed his cheek. Photos of Neddy’s first steps with Anthony’s arms outstretched, waiting to catch him. Pictures, and pictures of him, happier than he’d been in his real life in a decade.
“See you at work, Son.”
Anthony had blinked at Kate’s father, “I’m sorry?”
Tharman had frowned at him. “Work. The office we share.”
Anthony forced himself to respond. “Right, yes. We work together. We do… not for profit law.”
He was sure that was what Kate’s father did. Luckily he was right.
“Sure do.”
Anthony nodded, “Well, it was good to see you both.” He meant it as he leaned in to kiss his mother in law on the cheek. They’d been just as kind as he remembered them being all those yers ago.
He’d noticed Kate watching him carefully from the doorway when Neddy ran up to him, hugging his legs tightly. “Night Night, Daddy!”
Anthony had felt himself smile but it still felt stiff and awkward. “Night Night, Neddy. Did you have a good Christmas?”
“The best!”
“Have a good sleep.”
Kate handed him Miles and Anthony had kissed his forehead, not sure what else to do.
He was ashamed to say he’d loitered in the kitchen, not quite sure what to do. Right up until Kate had wrapped her arms around his chest from behind.
“Early night?”
“Sure. Sure, yeah.”
Now he was sat here, watching Kate pulling clothes from the chest of drawers in the corner. Anthony stared at the framed picture resting on top of it, both of them grinning wildly at the camera while Kate held up her hand to show off the engagement ring that was still resting there now.
“Yeah, sorry.”
Kate turned around leaning back against the chest of drawers. She crossed her arms over her chest and gave him that same look she’d always had that made him feel as though she could see right through him. Pinning him in place. “Ant, is something wrong?”
“Nope.” Anthony said quickly, not needing to sound insane to another person today. Even if it was only a dream.
She came and sat beside him, resting her chin on his shoulder and Anthony breathed in deeply. God, her presence had always been so calming. He could almost feel the tension leaving his shoulders.
“I know that you miss your Dad on days like today.”
Anthony screwed his eyes shut, heaving a deep breath. “It’s not that.”
“It’s okay if it is. I know it’s hard for you, I just want you to talk to me, okay?”
How had she done that?
How had she made him feel like everything was going to be okay in just a few minutes?
Anthony nodded, “Sorry. Sorry, Babe.” The endearment rolled off his tongue before he could stop it. “I just… I felt out of sorts today.”
Kate’s hand was soft on his chin and she turned it slowly to face her before she leaned in, kissing him gently. “Shower?”
Anthony swallowed thickly at the idea but shook his head. “You go first.”
Kate sighed, kissing his cheek again, “I love you. You know that right?”
Anthony gave her a tight smile. He wished that were still true. He wished he was the person in those photographs who’d been able to love her the way she deserved. Not this version of him with nothing to offer her. “Mhmm.”
Kate took one last look at him, and disappeared into the ensuite. Anthony put his head in his hands, rubbing at his face.
It was fine. He’d wake up in the morning and everything would be back to normal. This would all fade away into nothingness and he’d be alone again.
Alone.
Again.
________________________________
Anthony woke the next morning without opening his eyes. He stretched out his right arm, feeling the other side empty next to him.
Okay, okay. It really had been a dream.
He kept his eyes closed and rolled towards the other pillow. He inhaled deeply, relaxing against it. And then his heart stopped.
Her scent was still on the pillow.
Anthony’s eyes shot open, taking himself off the pillow. He was still here.
Anthony sat up, looking around the room. The sweater Kate had been wearing yesterday was still hanging over the arm of the chair in the corner, and his stupid, smiling face was still looking back at him. A memory he didn’t have.
Anthony flopped back against the mattress, running his hands through his hair. What was he going to fucking do?!
Maybe this was some sort of alternate dimension? Did those exist? This was surely a pretty good argument that they did.
Anthony heard small footsteps out in the corridor and the door opened a fraction. Neddy peered through the crack he’d created, watching Anthony with a cheeky smile.
“Amma says breakfast is ready.”
Anthony smiled despite the fact that he could feel a headache coming on again. “Okay, I’ll be right down.”
Neddy pushed the door open wider, holding out his hand. “We’re having pancakes.”
Anthony sat up properly then pushed himself up from the bed. He took Neddy’s hand and felt his heart stutter in his chest as he stared down at the tiny boy, every bit as perfect as he’d always imagined. “Let’s go then.”
Kate was flipping pancakes onto a plate when Neddy tugged him into the kitchen, Miles already sitting in his high chair, babbling happily. She smiled at Anthony when she caught sight of him and Anthony’s chest felt tight.
“Hey you.”
“Morning.” Anthony felt himself relax into her when she leaned in and kissed him gently.
“Feeling okay?”
No, but he could hardly tell her that. “Much better.”
Neddy was busy scrambling up onto a stool and Anthony instinctively lifted him up the rest of the way. Neddy tugged Anthony’s shirt. “Can I have juice?”
“Sure.” Anthony said without thinking. He turned towards the cabinets suddenly realising he had no idea where to find a cup. He could see Kate frowning at him from the corner of his eye. Anthony quickly scanned the kitchen, looking for the most likely place and hesitantly opened the cabinet. He let out a sigh of relief when he found the glasses inside, taking one out for Neddy.
Kate was still eying him when he’d finished pouring their son his drink and sat down beside him.
“What are we going to do today?” Kate asked conversationally as she set Neddy’s pancakes in front of him.
“Daddy’s gonna teach me to ride my bike!” Neddy said confidently, grinning up at Anthony, his little feet bouncing with excitement.
“Is he now?”
“I can do that.” Anthony said quietly, feeling a lump in his throat that he couldn’t quite name. “Me and Miles can show him hey?”
He reached over and ruffled their younger son’s hair, blowing a raspberry on his cheek while the boy laughed.
“Miles can’t ride a bike.” Neddy giggled, “You’re silly.”
“Are you sure?” Anthony asked, “I think he could.”
“Nope!” Neddy said, shaking his head. “You gotta teach me and then I’ll teach him when he’s big like me.”
“Ah okay,” Anthony sighed, “We’ll try it your way.”
Kate sat down beside him, using a fork to eat off the plate she obviously meant for them to share. She put her hand on his thigh under the table and Anthony felt himself relax immediately.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Anthony decided. After all, if he had to have a vivid hallucination or fall into an alternate universe. Surely there were worse ones than this.