Work Text:
Lu Guang lies awake before the sun rises, his body shivering underneath his blanket. His gaze is fixed on the ceiling. Beneath his bed, Cheng Xiaoshi snores the early morning away, babbling incoherent nonsense to himself every once in a while. While Lu Guang can only barely understand what he’s mumbling even when he listens, tonight, he can hardly hear him over the chaos of memories swirling about in his head.
Sleepless nights aren’t anything new to Lu Guang. It’s his price to pay as he lives through this timeline that isn’t his own and bears the weight of pasts that only he remembers. Tonight, his mind repeatedly travels to the “beginning” of this timeline, just after he dove back in time through—
The photo.
The photo of a sunset that was taken when they reunited met at university, but for Lu Guang, was taken moments after he’d held Cheng Xiaoshi’s body in his arms and made a silent, damning promise to change everything.
Lu Guang…
Are you also a freshman from Guidu University?
I’m sorry…
I live in the “Hero Photo Studio” nearby.
Save… them…
If anything is wrong with your camera, come find me.
Lu Guang brings a hand to his forehead. A pain akin to a sharp crack of lightning strikes his skull as fragmented, disordered timelines claw at the borders of his mind. He lets out a low groan and squeezes his eyes shut as they begin to water, hoping and praying that he hasn’t woken Cheng Xiaoshi up.
Through the storm raging in his head, Lu Guang is suddenly possessed with the need to see the photo; to hold it in his hands, to know that it’s there.
His eyes won’t open as they still sting with unshed tears, but Lu Guang doesn’t spare a moment for his hurt when he pushes the blanket off of himself and places his foot on the rung of the ladder. Lu Guang stumbles a little when he lands on the floor, but quickly rights himself and forces his eyes open despite the burn. He moves swiftly towards the bookshelf, and pulls the red, golden-trimmed book from its confines.
Just as he lifts the cover of the book, a pair of steady hands that have gone cold in his wraps around his middle. A pair of lips he’s seen stained with blood presses against his neck, sleepily murmuring his name into his skin.
“Lu Guang… what are you doing out of bed at 4 in the morning?”
Lu Guang takes a breath and shivers as he’s brought back to the present, and the frigid chill of being out of his blanket on a wintry night finally registers for him. He drops the cover back onto its pages, and remains silent as he tries to get his thoughts back in line.
The photo is in the book, as it has always been. The two of us were discharged from the hospital two weeks ago. We’re taking a break from client work to focus on our recovery. Our injuries are still healing, but we are alive. He is alive.
Cheng Xiaoshi is still here.
“Lu Guang, say something… you’re scaring me. Did your wound reopen? Let me see it.”
My wounds are nothing compared to yours.
Lu Guang blinks, clearing his blurred vision. He slowly turns around and lets his gaze fall upon his Cheng Xiaoshi, whose bleary eyes can barely open. He gently places his fingers on Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheeks as he takes his partner’s visage in: his mussed hair, his loose comfort T-shirt he loves to sleep in, the sleep lines in his skin. Cheng Xiaoshi jumps at his touch, and he quickly withdraws his hands.
“Wait wait wait, I wasn’t ready! Your hands are so cold. Come back… I’m ready this time, I promise…” Cheng Xiaoshi whines. Lu Guang huffs and softly smiles as he places his hands back on his partner’s face, tenderly brushing away the sleep crust that’s gathered in the corners of his eyes with his thumbs.
“Lu Guang?” Cheng Xiaoshi tilts his head and subtly pulls Lu Guang closer by his waist. “You didn’t answer me. Are you okay?”
At the reminder of why they stand awake, his eyes well up, and the harsh, unforgiving burn from before returns. He buries his face into Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulder.
“Y-yeah.”
Sleepless nights aren’t anything new to Lu Guang, and neither are they new to Cheng Xiaoshi, who has long been witness to his insomnia ever since it began to pull him apart in the timelines after the first. He’s always been able to gather the pieces of himself back together before Cheng Xiaoshi realizes he’d ever shattered, but there must be something in the air of this particular night. His voice must have trembled more than he’d meant for it to, because Cheng Xiaoshi immediately places his hand in his hair and lays his cheek on the top of his head.
“Oh, Lu Guang… what’s wrong?”
Cheng Xiaoshi is still here.
At Cheng Xiaoshi’s offer for comfort, everything hits Lu Guang at once, and he breaks apart. Lu Guang lets out a fragile sob as his first tears fall, darkening the gray fabric of Cheng Xiaoshi's sleep shirt with his grief.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Lu Guang whispers. He clutches Cheng Xiaoshi’s shirt in his hands and burrows his face further into his shoulder. Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t need to see him like this. “I’m sorry.”
“W-what for, Lu Guang?” Lu Guang is too afraid to look at Cheng Xiaoshi’s face, but he feels his arms instinctively tighten their hold around him. “It’s okay that you woke me up, we can always go back to sleep…”
“I-it’s—not that—you s-shouldn’t—” Lu Guang chokes in the flood of his sorrow, his breaths coming out in a shuddering staccato as his lungs refuse to work properly. Cheng Xiaoshi quickly runs his hand through his hair and begins to slowly sway their bodies back and forth in an attempt to soothe him. It only makes him sob harder, raw cries tearing their way out of his throat like wounded beasts that have been trapped for too long.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything. I’m here for as long as you need me.”
Would you stay if you knew how long I’ve needed you for?
“Deep breaths, Guang Guang. Can you do that for me? Breathe like you’re a biiig balloon!”
Despite himself, Lu Guang laughs wetly through his tears as Cheng Xiaoshi begins to exaggerate his breaths, inflating for 4 seconds before deflating for 4 seconds. He feels his own chest rise and fall with Cheng Xiaoshi’s, and lets the feeling carry him through his next few breaths as he follows suit with his partner, shakily inhaling as deeply as he can. When his next inhale sounds more like a pained gasp, Cheng Xiaoshi begins rubbing circles into his back and maintains his steady breathing patterns for Lu Guang.
In, two, three, four.
Out, two, three, four.
Eventually, Lu Guang’s breathing evens out, and his form stops trembling in Cheng Xiaoshi’s hold. For a few moments, they exist just like that, in their own tender dance as they draw the crisp, morning air in and out of their lungs.
When Cheng Xiaoshi goes to pull away, Lu Guang immediately tightens his grip on his sleep shirt before loosening it just as quickly. As if sensing his uncertainty, Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands cover his. He gently pries his grip loose and lowers their hands to be between them, gently rubbing his palms in silent reassurance. Lu Guang relishes in the soothing way Cheng Xiaoshi’s thumbs gently trace the lines in his palm, quieting all of his other thoughts and senses so that he’s nowhere else but here.
It’s a calming, ticklish feeling that makes him feel as though he’s floating. Lu Guang begins to blink slowly, trying and failing to fight the sleepy fog permeating his brain the more Cheng Xiaoshi rubs his palms. With his eyes feeling sore and heavy from crying, he realizes that perhaps he was more tired than he’d thought.
“Hey,” Cheng Xiaoshi whispers, momentarily pulling him out of the fog. Lu Guang looks up with another slow blink. He can see the concern in Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes, carefully veiled underneath a sappy, affectionate gaze. He knows Cheng Xiaoshi still wants to talk about what’s wrong. He also knows that unlike how he used to, Cheng Xiaoshi will likely not pry again—not after Lu Guang has shut down his questions every time. From past experience, he knows that it hurts Cheng Xiaoshi to not have Lu Guang’s trust with these feelings, but that regardless, he will always rush to Lu Guang’s side in a heartbeat to be there for his sake.
Lu Guang’s heart squeezes, because regardless of what Cheng Xiaoshi believes, he himself would trust Cheng Xiaoshi with his life. Has trusted him with his life.
I just need you to trust me with yours.
With a slight tip forward, Lu Guang lays his forehead on Cheng Xiaoshi’s and nuzzles against him. He hopes against all hope that it could be enough to convey everything he feels for his partner. When he feels Cheng Xiaoshi nuzzle him back, he blinks away the sting that threatens to return to his eyes.
“Come back to bed with me?” Cheng Xiaoshi whispers.
“...Mm.”
Lu Guang lets Cheng Xiaoshi pull him forward by his hands and lead him towards the bottom bunk. He trips over his own feet when Cheng Xiaoshi tugs a little too eagerly, and they all but clumsily tumble backwards into Cheng Xiaoshi’s bed. The pillows and blankets bounce into the air around them upon their landing, and he lets out a quiet oof when he faceplants straight into Cheng Xiaoshi’s chest. He grumbles as he feels his partner's chest shake with laughter beneath his cheek.
“Your fault…”
“Yes, yes, my fault," Cheng Xiaoshi coos. "Sorry, Guang Guang." He pulls them further up on the bed so that their heads are where they should be on his pillow, and Lu Guang adjusts so that his head is tucked underneath Cheng Xiaoshi’s chin. Cheng Xiaoshi wraps his arms around Lu Guang and hugs him to his chest, letting out a contented hum.
Once the both of them have properly settled, Cheng Xiaoshi raises a hand to the back of Lu Guang’s head and lightly scratches his hair in the way he knows Lu Guang always melts at. After a minute of his touch, Lu Guang releases all the tension in his body with a deep sigh, letting himself sink bonelessly into the comfort of Cheng Xiaoshi’s warmth and his old, worn mattress.
Just as he’s about to fall asleep, he feels Cheng Xiaoshi plant a soft kiss on his forehead and bury his face into his hair.
“I’m here. You know that, right?”
It’s just barely audible, passing through the still, morning air with the weightlessness of a dandelion seed, but Lu Guang hears the worry lingering in his voice anyway. He buries his nose into the pulse in Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck and nods wordlessly in reply.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s breathing immediately slows with ease, and Lu Guang feels his fingers gradually go slack in his hair. Just like that, Lu Guang knows he’s fallen asleep. As his own eyes slowly fall shut, he places a hand over his partner’s chest, against the heart that beats steadily there.
Cheng Xiaoshi is here.
It’s not long before Lu Guang finally falls asleep for the first time that night, bundled in warmth and dreaming of golden sunsets.