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He walked into the room and froze. He was greeted by all the familiar sights and sounds; a bag of something clear dripping down a tube into her arm, the faint beeps from the monitors, the clean linen of the newly changed bed, the ever pervasive smell of antiseptic used on all the surfaces with a faint underlying scent of sickness and despair floating on the air. How many times had he seen this exact sight in the last few years? Too many to actually count and yet sometimes it still managed to take him by surprise. He went to the curtains and opened them to the bright morning light. He took a moment to admire the view, at least this room looked out over the front lawn of the hospital and the grounds were reaching their full summer glory, so much better than the last one with its unobstructed view of the oncology wing’s flat gray roof. At a sound behind him he turned to see the brown eyes of his wife watching him closely. In just a few strides he was at her side and gently kissed her forehead.
“Hey there,” he crooned gently.
“Hi yourself,” she replied with a wan smile.
It took his breath away, her smiles always did, but this one nearly broke his heart in two.
“So, today I’m going home,” she began.
“Yeah.”
“I’m so glad I’ll get to be with you and the girls before…” she stopped before she could finish the sentence.
“Me too,” he said and gently stroked the side of her face with the back of his fingers.
She reached up and took his hand in hers then held their twined fingers over her heart. They were silent together for a moment just enjoying each other’s company.
“Gray, I’m not afraid to die,” she said at last, “but I don’t want to leave you.”
That broke him. He had been shattering into pieces over the last few months as treatments had not proved successful and options had run out. He tried to keep himself together for her and for their girls, but this was the last blow. He crumpled around her.
“Oh Lucy, I don’t want you to go,” he sobbed into her shoulder. “I don’t know how I can go on without you.”
They shared that moment of grief; tears flowing into each other as “what if we tried...” and “if only we had more time” were washed away in the tide of “I need you”, “I love you”, “I’ll miss you”.
Gray covered Lucy’s face with gentle kisses; trying to memorize the contours of her visage with his lips. He wanted to stay there with her forever, but knew that only too soon their time would come to an end.
“I can’t do this anymore, my love,” she murmured.
“I know,” he replied gently. “I’ve seen how you’ve fought this disease and what it’s done to you.”
“I’m not half the woman I used to be,” she held up arms that had shrunk from disuse and the side effects of the chemo and then touched the fine fuzz that peeked out from the scarf she wore on her head, “You deserve so much better than this.”
“Lucy, you are still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You are the strongest, kindest, loveliest person it has ever been my pleasure to know.”
“Such the flatterer, my dear,” she smiled again.
“I’m only saying what’s true.”
“Gray, I need you to live for both of us now,” Lucy whispered into his ear. “When it’s too hard for you to go on, you must remember that you are also living for me. I want you to dance with the girls in the kitchen as you make dinner, and make up silly songs as you do chores together, and on warm summer nights take them out under the stars and teach them their names like I would have.”
Gray smiled as he recalled the summer night just last year when they had gone for a night time ride into the foothills. There, laying on a blanket, they had a clear view of the heavens and Lucy had started teaching them all the different constellations.
“I want them to have something from me, something for them to remember me by.” There was a pleading look in her eyes. “Will you promise to do that, Gray?”
He nuzzled the nape of her neck, kissed her gently, and then nodded.
“From now on I will give them the love of both their parents. They will grow up knowing the amazing, strong, and wonderful woman that you are. We will celebrate your life as often as we can, and mourn your passing when we need to.”
She gave a contented sigh and laid her head back into the pillow.
“I couldn’t ask for a better legacy,” she closed her eyes. “I hope we get to go home soon,” she said a little louder, “I want to be able to cuddle my girls as long as possible.”
“Mr. Fullbuster? Gray?” a knock and a familiar voice came from the doorway. The nurse entered the room holding a stack of papers. “There are a few things we have to go over before we can discharge Lucy home.” She looked back and forth between the two. “I can come back later if you need me to,” she said as kindly as she could.
Gray shook his head. “No need to come back, we want to get her home as soon as possible.”
The next day at the shift change meeting an announcement was made.
“I know many of you worked with Mrs. Fullbuster so you should know that she passed away early this morning.” There were surprised looks passed around the small room, they knew she didn’t have much time left but to be gone so suddenly. “Her family wanted to send their thanks to everyone who took care of Lucy,” the charge nurse’s voice cracked slightly. “They hope that you know how much you all helped to make her stay here as comfortable as possible in her last days. Thank you.”
That evening Gray took his children out into the backyard. They laid on the blanket looking up at the stars and talked about everything they loved about mommy. And if the stars sometimes blurred for him, it would be okay. His Lucy was up there now, and he could see her every night.